Hey there, peeps.

Let's have a little bit of Katniss now. As much as I love Johanna, I feel like I've been ignoring the girl on fire recently...

Reviews are lovely as always. :)

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Katniss' POV

The moment I wake up, I can tell that something's missing. There's this feeling in my stomach that tells me something it's not right, but I can't quite place what it is.
It's when I open my eyes to see that I'm in my room alone that all the pieces come together.
It'not something. It's someone.

"Johanna", I whisper. I cover my mouth with a hand, but it's too late. I just did it. I whispered her name like a stupid girl with a crush.
Even though I'm alone in the room and no one can hear me, I blush.
I'm blushing way too much, recently. I can't decide if I like it or not.

Then, as the last bit of sleep abandons me, I go through a roller coaster of emotions.

At first, I'm disappointed.

I wanted her to be here. I feel like I'm missing out. The fact that she's not physically with me almost makes me think I imagined everything that happened. But then, I notice I still have her shirt on, so I calm down. I sniff the shirt because I just have to. I blush again.

That's when I realize I slept through the night without having any nightmare. I can't even remember the last time it happened.
She is the reason, I know it.
Johanna Mason, from district seven.

She is so many things.

At first, she was just the deadly warrior who convinced everybody she was too weak to be a real danger, until she dropped the act and showed no mercy with her axe.
The killer I had to fear.
The victor I had to avoid.
Then, she became this insanely beautiful, teasing woman who strips down in elevators like it's no big deal, causing people around her to either drool, gasp or faint. The looks she gets when she enters in a room...it's a mixture of sheer terror and pure lust. That's just how complex she is.
But my favourite version of Johanna so far, it's the one of the girl who kissed me like her life depended on it, and then washed my face because she wanted to see me without make up. The one who, free from make up herself, struggled to let her walls down, but then eventually did, and held me like I meant the world to her.
The one who cared about my safety enough to wake me up and tell me to go, even though I could see she wanted me to stay.

She's the reason I slept peacefully for the first time in months. All the three versions of her are. The scary victor, the sexy woman, the loving girl. Nothing about her is to be ignored. And I am sure there are other versions of her, hidden in those deep, green pools that are her eyes, begging to be found.

I smile to myself. This is crazy. I'd like to know if I had the same effect on her.

That's when I realize I actually can ask her, because I will see her in an hour or so. It's the first day of training here in the Capitol, and I should feel angry about it, if not scared. Except I don't. I feel anxious: a good kind of anxious, though. Like when you are counting the days that divide you from something you waited for a long time. And now it's finally going to happen and you restlessly move your feet and your hands because of the exciment you can't contain.

The butterflies I feel in my stomach are short lived, though, because I remember that I can't really ask her. I can't go and say: "Hey, Johanna, did you manage to sleep through the night after we kissed for what seemed like an eternity? Do you think we could do that again?".
I just can't, that would be sucidal.
I have to act like last night never happened. I have to be in love with Peeta, in front of everyone.
And then, eventually, I have to die.

Yesterday, it wasn't such a problem. I accepted my death like the last of a long series of sacrifices I was forced to make.

Yesterday, I had a plan. It was simple, and it didn't revolve around me.

Keep Peeta alive.

That was what I had to do.

Now I have a reason to live. Except, If I do manage to live, I won't have a reason anymore. If I live, she dies. And since she's the reason I'm willing to survive in the first place...well that's enough to give me an instant headache.

So that's how Peeta felt like, in the games last year. It's hell, how did he even managed to remain sane?

But last year, we lived. We both survived...

Yes, and look where we are now. Uprisings in the districts. President Snow ready to do anything in his power to eliminate me. And if he's powerful enough to bring us all back in the arena...
Who am I kidding? There's no solution to this thing.

So now I'm desperate. And hopeless.

But I also feel so warm, and new...I don't want to think there is no hope left. I refuse to. Not today, when I can still taste her in my mouth. When even the prospective of breakfast with Effie is somehow tolerable, just because I know I'll see her again.
Maybe she has a plan. Maybe there's something we can do. After all, she promised. When I asked her (or tried to), that's what she said...

"We'll find a way, Katniss. We'll find a way".

She's so smart, maybe she sees something I don't see.
I embrace my newly discovered naivity, and willingly so. Like an old friend whose existence I had forgotten about.
Yes. I choose to believe there's something we can do.
I choose to believe that it can't end like this.
Not when we've just started.
Not when I've discovered why I couldn't decide between Peeta and Gale. Because the answer is neither of them, and I didn't know I was allowed to say it. Now I wanna scream it from the top of a rooftop.

Neither. Of. Them.

Not when I've finally found a reason to stay alive. A reason that turns every second I get into a gift. Today, more than ever, I need time. I need it like you need water: desperately.
I need time to get to know her better. Time to know her story, her family, her roots.
I want to drink every word she says, when she passionately talks about her goals, her weaknesses, her loves, her losses.
I want her voice to be my favourite song, the first sound I hear in the morning, the last one in the evening.
I want to know her flaws as well as her perks.
I need time to explore the wanderland that is her body. I want her to be the thing I'm good at. I want to know her body, claim her body, celebrate it, consume it, rebuild it, and then start again. I want to be there as she gets old. Kiss her wrinkles, assure her that she's never been more beautiful.
I want to get to know her so that I can be brave enough to make love to her without fear. I want her to be the first, the last, the only.
And I want her to know me as well as I know her. I want to fight with her. Scream at her out of frustration because she's being so stubborn. Then apologize.
I want her to meet Prim. I want her to see the woods where I grew up.
I want us to have time.
Because if I feel so much after just a night spent with her, what would a lifetime be like?
So I choose to have time.
As I get out of my bed, dressing myself in comfy clothes, but keeping her shirt, seeing her again is the only thing that matters.

Peeta's already dressed too, and he's having breakfast, a neutral expression on his face. Good. I like neutral. I can work with that. Effie is with him, talking like there's no tomorrow. Haymitch is too tired to even listen or throw some snarky comment at her.
Weird. With the two of them, mornings are always...eventful.
He seems to have had a sleepless night. Maybe it's because of the alcohol. It must be hard for him - giving up the habit and all.
Peeta's eyes are on me immediately. He lights up, but then he seems to remember something unpleasant, and that is enough to turn his smile into a frown.
"Hey. You awake. Where have you been?" he asks, his tone almost inquisitive.
I freeze. Does he know something? No, it's impossible.
"What do you mean? I was...in my room". I sit down, trying to appear as calm as I can. Easier said than done.
"I know you were, but I mean you didn't return with us yesterday. So I was wondering..what made you stop at 7th?".
"Oh. You mean that...I...I just wanted Johanna Mason to know how inappropriate her behaviour in the elevator was". I hope I sound believable when I say this, because in my head I don't.
"You are so innocent, Katniss". That's his comment. All he has to say. I would be offended, but I'm too relived he bought it to care.
"That girl has no manners" affirms Effie, nodding somehow solemnly, like she's delivering an absolute truth. Someone must have told her what happened.

And that's when I know I did it. I fooled them. Haymitch seems too focused on the goal of not falling asleep to care. My guess is he didn't even hear our conversation.
Peeta starts drinking a hot chocolate, while Effie is saying something nobody cares about.
I relax in my chair.
"So, ready to go to training?" I ask Peeta, and I realize I'm bouncing like a mad woman, but I can't keep myself from moving.
"What's with the smile?" he asks. I can see why he's so confused, I'm usually not this cheerful in the morning.
"Oh, I just slept well" I say.
"That's the right attitude". Effie smiles at me like a proud mother.
If only she knew...
"So Haymitch" begins Peeta "any advice for the first day of training?".
"No, not in particular..." he says, and his voice is still so husky with sleep "just have a look around, will you? Speak to people. See if there is someone you'd like to allign with. Avoid district one and two".
"So we are looking for alliances, this time? I thought it was just the two of us". I am surprised.
I confess, though, the first thing that pops in my mind is that I want Johanna as an ally.
"Yeah. These games are different. The only thing that hasn't changed is...you two are in love. So stay together. Work as a team. You understand me?".
Peeta nods, but I can't seem to shake the idea that he's talking to me.

After all, Peeta doesn't have to act, he's already in love with me, so it's pretty normal I am Haymitch's main concern. Except there's something in his eyes that scares me. It's like he can perceive I'm changed.
But I am being paranoid...
So I nod and I follow them out of our apartment, in the elevator, down to the training, sweating palms and heavy breath.

When I see her, my heart skips a beat.