Kurt had never given any thought to the use of the phrase `felt numb`. He had read it in manuscripts, and surely he had used it, but now that numbness had pervaded every nerve and muscle, dulled every sensation, blinded and deafened him to the world around him, he realized how stupid and false the phrase `felt numb` actually sounded. A human being didn't feel numb. How can a person feel non-feeling? No, numbness was a state of being. It had started in his hand when he fired the first shot, and traveled like through his veins like a poison, destroying everything. It took away his person...his sense of self, his personality at its core.
No matter how much he could justify and rationalize that he had done the right thing, it still didn't mean that killing Chandler hadn't changed him forever. The Kurt he had been was gone. The victim and the runaway, their stories had resolved. Kurt left his house a new man - stronger for having stood up to his demons and defending the man he loved, but for all intents and purposes, he was also a killer. A killer in handcuffs, and he was headed to jail.
He barely felt himself being lifted from Sebastian's body. If someone had asked him if the cuffs on his wrists were tight or cold, or how he had managed to walk from the house to the police car, he couldn't say. He didn't acknowledge Madeline when she called to him, barely registered Justice when he asked about Sebastian. A whole world spun around him, but he no longer existed in it. He had taken a life, he had committed a cardinal sin.
He had read somewhere once that killing another person would mean forfeiting his own life in return.
Kurt classified himself as a non-person.
Kurt sat in the back seat of the squad car amid a murmur of cries and confused whispers, and even a few distant voices calling out his name. Once the car door closed behind him, the silent aura surrounding him became complete. He was caged…locked in, but surprisingly he didn't feel as trapped as he thought he would. What he always thought would be a traumatic experience for him was simply just another turn of events, the flip of a page in a story that wasn't yet over for him.
The car rolled away from the home he had meticulously made and kept for the past three years, but driving away and tossing a look over his shoulder, assuming this would be the last time he would set eyes on it again, he saw it for what it was – a prison. So in essence, things in his life weren't spiraling out of control. He was simply moving laterally from one prison to another.
The officers in the car with him might have addressed him once or twice. They might have just forgotten him completely and spoke only to each other. Kurt didn't know. He didn't pay attention to them. He focused solely on his future. Regardless of impending future imprisonment, his life had become a clean slate. Nothing of the past he was running from was written on it. He had basically been granted a do-over, with one thing remaining to start him off; a name written neatly in a far corner.
Sebastian.
He could leave everything behind – his job, his house, all of it – but he needed Sebastian.
As the car took him further and further away from everything he knew, he imagined a future with Sebastian – travelling the world, going to exotic locales, meeting new people. Sebastian would snap photographs, Kurt would finish his book, and then what? Who knew. The future stretched out before him, and the options seemed limitless.
Kurt's first step towards that future would be to make it through this. He just had to take things one step at a time and do something he had never really done before he met Sebastian – he had to put his trust, his faith, in someone else.
Kurt made this vision of a life with Sebastian his totem…his mantra. It was no longer an impossible dream. It became his goal.
He refused to sabotage his life.
He had risked everything to save the man he loved.
Now he would trust that man to save him back.
The officers led him from the car to a large, gray cement building that could have been any office building in downtown nowhere, except for the addition of a high chain-link fence and some armed officers at the gate. The officers held his elbow securely and led him down hallways and stairs, a virtual labyrinth lined with plain wood doors that led to windowless rooms. At the far end of the final hallway, they opened one of these otherwise non-assuming doors, and sat him in a simple white room. It had a table and some chairs, but nothing else.
Here he sat, and here he would stay and wait.
Feeling and emotion started to return to Kurt. Butterflies fluttered in his stomach for the first time since his arrest, and he welcomed them. His blood went cold with fear and anxiety, and on some level he was glad. He wouldn't become an emotionless non-person. He hadn't forfeited his life.
He needed to get out.
The officers undid his cuffs and Kurt pulled his arms in front of him, rubbing his sore joints with his hands. He ran his thumb over the scar on his wrist and imagined that Sebastian sat beside him, holding his hand. That image of Sebastian's hand covering his, giving Kurt his strength made all the difference. It made him sit straighter, made his eyes a bit clearer, and when the officer sat across from him and said, "I'd like to ask you a few questions", Kurt looked him in the eyes and said in a voice both quiet and firm, "I'm going to wait for my lawyer first, thank you."
"357…358…359…360…"
Sebastian schooled his breathing, tried to calm his racing heart as he counted the seconds, waiting to spring off the gurney and get to Kurt.
It seemed like the EMTs were purposefully taking forever releasing him. They hemmed and hawed about taking Sebastian to the hospital, but he vehemently refused further treatment. Most of the officers had cleared out and left. The house was once again just a tiny dwelling, even though a few police stayed behind, waiting for Sebastian and the EMTs to leave so that they could tape up the door and declare it an active crime scene.
The young woman who had promised to get him to Kurt as soon as possible worked quickly while her colleagues debated. She made sure he had no blood pooling in his extremities, that his head didn't hurt, and that he didn't feel nauseous. She had made the recommendation that he start counting quietly while he sat still until his pupillary response returned. Counting the seconds as they ticked along slowly murdered him. Sebastian couldn't sit still, couldn't just be motionless while he felt Kurt slipping away.
In a way, Sebastian was more afraid of Kurt being in police custody than held captive by Chandler. Kurt physically fought Chandler and won, but the legal system was another monster all its own, full of red-tape and loopholes that needed to be navigated, colored by perception and influenced by public opinion and political agenda. Kurt's story could fall on the ears of a sympathetic district attorney, or he could become the pawn in a larger, unfortunate game.
Sebastian needed to find just the right master to play the game.
Sebastian looked past the EMTs in search of the wall clock. He spied Kurt's iPhone on the coffee table and his heart sank. Poor Kurt, alone, at the police station, without his phone or anyway to contact Sebastian. No way to know that Sebastian hadn't abandoned him, or that he would move heaven and hell to be with him again. Sebastian couldn't imagine what Kurt was thinking, the anxiety he might be feeling. Sebastian recalled the image of Kurt being led away in handcuffs; the defeated, empty look in his crystal eyes. Sebastian thought for certain that Kurt had given up, thrown his walls back into place and locked everyone out. Sebastian wouldn't blame him if he had. Kurt needed to protect himself. Sebastian wouldn't begrudge Kurt any method he chose to accomplish that task. Sebastian only prayed he could finally get through to Kurt when he saw him again.
Sebastian couldn't leap down off the gurney and get to the phone. His eyes shifted left and right, looking for a little help.
"Hey," he called into the crowd of otherwise useless EMTs standing around and arguing. "You…blondie..." Three people turned and looked. Sebastian rolled his eyes, raising his hand to indicate the one closest to his intended target. "You."
The man raised a questioning eyebrow and pointed to himself.
"Yeah, you," Sebastian confirmed. "Can you hand me my phone?"
The man looked dumbly around, and Sebastian never wanted to slap a human being more in his entire life.
"On the coffee table, genius. Behind you…"
The man scoffed, but turned around and retrieved the iPhone, handing it over to Sebastian.
"Thanks, chuckles," Sebastian mocked as he looked down at the tiny device. He unlocked the screen and stopped for a moment at the picture Kurt chose for his wallpaper. It was a photo he had taken of the two of them together in bed one early Sunday morning. Kurt beamed into the lens while Sebastian kissed him on the cheek. Kurt's adorable bed hair framed a glowing face, just slightly dopey from too little sleep after a night spent making love. Kurt looked so happy, so carefree.
Sebastian vowed he wouldn't rest until he could see Kurt look that way again.
He pulled up Google and searched for any and every organization that catered to victims of battery and abuse. Along with the names and phone numbers of a few local shelters he saw a number of recent articles featuring a lawyer by the name of Lydia Duprees, who recently won a case for a victim of domestic abuse between two female life partners. Scanning the articles he saw that she had made a name for herself in the arena of abuse victims' rights, including a platform supporting male victims of rape. Several times she had even gone head to head with the mayor himself.
Sebastian smiled. He may have just found himself a heavy hitter.
He located her number and called. It took several tries before he could even get in touch with her secretary.
"Lydia Duprees's office. How may I direct your call?"
"Hello, miss," Sebastian said, sounding as smooth and charming as he could muster under the circumstances. "My name is Sebastian Smythe, and I need to speak with Ms. Duprees. It's an emergency."
"I'm sorry," the woman on the line said apologetically, "but Ms. Duprees is in conference with…"
"Listen," Sebastian interrupted, trying hard to stay polite, "I wish I had more time to listen to your carefully practiced excuse, but I don't. My boyfriend is a victim of rape and abuse, and he's just been arrested for saving me from a violent stalker. So what I need to know is how much money is it going to take to get Ms. Duprees out of her conference and down to the police station right now?"
Sebastian had always appreciated how money could move things along when needed…and at the moment he had more than enough to spread around.
He waited for an answer.
He got silence. No whispers, no mumbling. Not even the sound of breathing on the line.
Then a click.
Sebastian sighed. He wouldn't be dissuaded, not with something as important as Kurt's freedom hanging in the balance.
He prepared to dial the number again.
"A quarter of a million," a no-nonsense woman's voice said finally, "paid to the Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project downtown, and we have a deal."
"Done," Sebastian said without hesitation.
"Very good," the voice responded. "My secretary will transfer your call and when you're done, call my office back and we'll talk about your boyfriend…"
"Kurt," Sebastian supplied. "Kurt Hummel."
"Kurt Hummel," she repeated. "And I'm Lydia Duprees. It's been a pleasure, Mr. Smythe."
For approximately three hours Kurt sat alone in that little room, looking at the scar on his wrist and letting his mind wander. He wondered what Sebastian was doing right now. He remembered looking into Sebastian's beautiful sea green eyes and seeing those horrible lightning marks.
He thought through the events of the day over and over, playing them in his mind like some sort of sick horror movie. Kurt could see Chandler holding him at gunpoint, the gruesome twist of gray lips, chapped and cracking as he smiled, the horrible red tinge of bleeding, swollen gums. Kurt could even hear Chandler's voice, remembered every word he spoke before Sebastian had arrived, telling him the psychotic details of his plan, everything Chandler had done to get to him.
Chandler had squatted in an empty house for rent in Kurt's neighborhood since the day he had found him. He kept Kurt under constant surveillance. He had tried to break Kurt's ankle that morning when he found out Kurt had invited Sebastian out for a drink. Chandler never imagined that Sebastian would offer to take care of Kurt that night, or stay the entire weekend. Chandler, of course, was the crazy jogger that plagued Sebastian's sixth sense. He spent his nights observing them sleep, spying as they hung around reading and talking. He documented when they came and went. He had even followed Justice and Madeline. He knew where they lived, knew where they worked, knew where they hid their spare house key.
Chandler told Kurt how he watched them install the new alarms in the house, how he had called the company pretending to be a customer and asked for specifics on every upgrade so he would know how to bypass them.
Finally he told Kurt how he had disabled the street lights to make him believe that the electricity had gone out in the whole neighborhood when in reality Chandler had only pulled the fuses to Kurt's house. Kurt didn't realize that, having an older style house, his fuse box was outside, unlocked and unguarded. He had never blown a fuse, and the realtor who sold him the house hadn't pointed it out.
All of Chandler's cool headed and diabolic planning had Kurt both impressed and revolted. He had thought out every little detail, planned it all so painstakingly.
Then Kurt thought about the road Chandler took to get to that point, all of the people he killed.
He had almost killed Sebastian.
When Kurt pictured Sebastian paralyzed on the floor, unmoving, barely breathing, the lifeless look in his blank stare, Kurt wished for a moment that he hadn't shot Chandler.
He wished he could have torn Chandler to pieces with his bare hands.
The long stretch of silence and solitude in the enclosed room offered Kurt no peace. He wondered if maybe they had even forgotten about him. He didn't like not having a window to look out of, or any indicator at all of whether it was daytime or nighttime. No matter how he switched positions, he couldn't get comfortable in the hard, stiff chair where he sat. He didn't have a watch or his phone, and the room didn't have a clock on the wall, so he had no way of knowing exactly how much time had passed. The longer he sat by himself, the more he realized that other people were making decisions for him, decisions about his life.
It should have frightened him. Instead it made him furious.
A single knock on the door started a mass of balls rolling. The door opened without Kurt saying a word. A smartly dressed woman wearing a deep purple blouse, a sepia brown pencil skirt, and carrying a leather messenger bag over one shoulder walked in. Kurt gazed up into a face that looked both young and stern; honey blonde hair framed a tan complexion and intelligent amber eyes. She barely turned to the officer standing behind her, the one who had originally ushered Kurt down here and had tried to ask him questions.
"I need a moment alone with my client," the woman said curtly, "but I refuse to have him held down here in the dungeon any longer."
She focused all of her attention on Kurt, reaching out a beckoning hand and smiling for the first time since entering the room.
"Mr. Hummel," she said, her voice changing gears quickly from clipped and businesslike to calm and soothing, "my name is Lydia Duprees. Your boyfriend Sebastian hired me to represent you. Let's get you upstairs so we can work on getting you out of here."
A little stunned and shocked by this whirlwind force of nature, Kurt stood and took her outstretched hand, shaking it with what he hoped was an air of confidence. She pulled him from the room, past the officer with the smoldering eyes and lips pressed into a thin line, and led him back down the hallway to the staircase. Kurt literally raced up the stairs behind Lydia, astounded that she could outpace him in the four inch Manolo Blahnik heels she wore.
Lydia led them to a room on the upper level. Two large picture windows overlooked a large, grassy area with a circular outcropping of trees on the far end. The late afternoon sun shone down on the grass, tossing shadows from the trees and tall plants all around. It reminded Kurt of the park Sebastian had taken him to, with the hill that overlooked his house and his whole neighborhood. He remembered Sebastian humming as he kissed Kurt, as he touched him. The quiet breeze smelling of crisp morning air and Sebastian's beautiful tenor voice vibrating gently against his skin – he wanted that back so badly. It seemed like so long ago.
Lydia didn't speak a word to Kurt until the two of them were locked behind closed doors.
"Please sit down, Mr. Hummel," she said, motioning to several chairs surrounding a long, wooden conference table. "Would it be alright if I called you Kurt?"
"Yes," he stuttered, pulling his attention from the window and taking a seat. "Yes, of course."
She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a plastic deli container.
"Here," she said, setting it down in front of him. "It's a turkey wrap from my favorite lunch spot downtown. You must be starving."
"I am," he said, surprised at just how famished he was now that food sat in front of him. "Thank you so much, Ms. Duprees."
"Lydia, please." She smiled at him sincerely, taking the seat across from him. She pulled a legal pad and pen from her bag, preparing to write. "Now, Kurt, Sebastian clued me in on what happened, but now I need you to tell me your version. Start from the beginning."
Kurt stopped fiddling with the plastic container and looked at his lawyer.
"From when I found Chandler in my house?" he asked.
"No," Lydia said with a slight shake of her head. "Start with Dave. Start with the reason why you moved to your house. Give me the reason Chandler came after you in the first place."
Kurt furrowed his brow, anticipating a long afternoon ahead.
"Would it be alright," Kurt started quietly, "if we told Sebastian you were here…and that I'm okay? I don't have my phone."
Lydia reached into her bag and pulled out her iPhone.
"I'll send him a quick text," she said, punching the keys as she spoke. "I know he's on his way right now."
Hearing that news…knowing that Sebastian would be near him soon made Kurt's heart swell. He breathed easier with the thought of Sebastian somewhere in the building, looking for him.
"Is there something in particular you would like me to tell him?" Lydia asked, looking at Kurt over the screen of her phone.
Kurt smiled.
"Could you tell him I love him?" he asked.
Lydia's grin grew wider.
"Of course," she said, typing the message before hitting send.
"Can I go? Can I go? Can I go now? Can I go?" Sebastian started chanting to the EMT as soon as he got off the phone with Lydia's office. While he coughed up $250,000 to the charity of Ms. Duprees's choice, she had called ahead and gotten all the information the police had on Kurt's case. By the time Sebastian called back, she had already left in search of her new client.
"Don't worry," Lydia's secretary assured him. "Your boyfriend's in good hands."
Adrenaline coursed through Sebastian's body. Knowing that Kurt had a lawyer - a high profile lawyer, an expert in her field - filled Sebastian with the utmost confidence. For the first time in his life he felt that he had put his exorbitant inheritance to good use. In his heart he knew that Kurt's freedom was assured. Now all he needed to do was get to him.
"Can I can I can I can I…" Sebastian continued.
The EMT smiled as she entered some information into her iPad.
"How in the hell does your boyfriend even put up with you?" she asked with a smirk. "He must be some kind of saint."
"He's an angel, actually," Sebastian said, wistfully gazing at the locked iPhone screen and the picture it showed. The young lady sighed. She turned to her equipment case, which started spitting out a narrow strip of paper. She ripped it off and rolled it up before handing it to Sebastian.
"Here," she said, "this is a summary of your vitals and your injuries. You might need this."
Sebastian held it carefully in his hand, and then looked into the woman's concerned gaze. He smirked slyly.
"Can I…"
"You can go already!" she chuckled, nudging him off the gurney.
Sebastian shoved Kurt's phone into his pocket, and with the paper in his hand he sprang off the metal bed, bounding forward with more energy and zest than he actually felt. The sunlight hit his eyes and his head swam. He knew he wasn't back to 100%. He probably shouldn't even drive, but that didn't matter. He had to make his way to Kurt. He'd crawl if he had to.
"Bastian!" a familiar gruff voice called from beyond the police barricade.
Sebastian turned in the direction of the voice and saw Justice standing just a step past the boundary, an anxious Madeline cradled in his arms.
Sebastian smiled.
"Justice, man!" Sebastian stumbled out toward them. "I have never been so happy to see you in my entire life!"
The couple broke partially to capture Sebastian as he tripped over his feet, falling unwittingly into their embrace.
"Are you alright?" Justice asked, looking Sebastian over from his wobbly knees to his lightning spattered eyes which didn't quite focus right.
"Yeah," Sebastian said, trying hard to sound dismissive of his own injuries. "Let's just say that Taser your friend lent you works really well."
"Oh, God," Justice breathed, holding Sebastian's arm tighter.
"Where's Kurt?" Madeline whimpered. "We saw them take him away in handcuffs, Sebastian. Where is he?"
"He's with the police," Sebastian told them. "We have to get down there now, but I don't think I can drive."
Justice didn't waste another word. He and Madeline led Sebastian quickly to the replacement car she had been given and helped him into the back seat.
"Buckle up and hold on," were the last words Justice said. He turned the key in the ignition, put the car into gear, and stepped on the gas in one fluid motion. The car peeled away from the curb and shot down the street.
Justice risked at least seven traffic tickets in his attempt to race to the police station. He blew through three red lights, one stop sign, and almost turned the wrong way down a one-way street. When they pulled into the police station and made it past the officer at the gate, Sebastian broke free from the back seat and ran to the first door he could see. He burst through urgently, but he didn't know what to say once he was in the room full of officers. He had never been in a police station before. The only experience he had with cops was one speeding ticket that a friend of his father's fixed for him, not to mention watching a few old episodes of Law and Order.
He stood right inside the doorway, panting, hoping he looked more desperate than insane.
Madeline and Justice came in behind him just as an officer approached. She eyed the three of them with a skeptical look, but smiled all the same.
"Can I help you?" she asked, looking over Sebastian, then Madeline, and finally Justice, her eyes flicking in his direction more than once.
"Yes," Sebastian said quickly. "We're looking for my boyfriend, Kurt Hummel. He was taken into custody this afternoon…"
"Well then," the officer interrupted, "you're going to need to fill out some paperwork, and when you're done, sit in the waiting area while we track down the arresting officer…"
"That won't be necessary," a recently familiar voice intervened. Lydia stepped out from behind the officer and Sebastian's jaw dropped slightly. To say that this lawyer wasn't at all what Sebastian expected would be an understatement. The woman bustling toward him looked too fashion-forward and incredibly young to be such a locally renowned figure. But for her lack of age she carried herself with an air of authority that immediately put Sebastian at ease.
She shuffled around the slightly confused officer and took turns shaking all of their hands, but she addressed Sebastian directly.
"Kurt said he thought he heard your voice. It's nice to finally put a face to the name."
"Likewise," Sebastian agreed.
"Come. I'll take you to see your boyfriend," Lydia offered. She turned to the stout woman still standing by looking thoroughly dismissed. "And why don't you take the statements of…"
"I'm Justice, and this is my girl Madeline," Justice volunteered. "We're friends of Kurt's."
Lydia nodded, motioning to the woman to hurry along. The female officer didn't look particularly thrilled, but she didn't argue, showing the couple to a nearby desk.
Lydia took Sebastian's arm and led him through the maze of desks to an office tucked in the far back corner of the room. Through the partially cracked open door Sebastian could finally see Kurt, at least he could see his back from where he stood gazing out the window. His strong, beautiful Kurt, still holding it all together. Sebastian was tempted to rush past Lydia and take Kurt into his arms, hold him tight ad never let him go, but he waited for the okay, holding onto bittersweet longing just a little bit longer.
When Sebastian entered the room, and Kurt turned his eyes on him, he no longer had a choice. Five strides was all it took to reunite Sebastian with the love of his life.