Disclaimer: I am NOT Stephenie Meyer and I don't own any of the Twilight series' characters or stories. I borrowed the dialogue and storyline from Breaking Dawn, but the rest is my own take on the story, as seen through Edward's eyes.

Chapter 15

Hopelessness

Tick...tock...tick...tock.

The second hand moved, keeping time, marking the passing seconds until I met my end.

Thump, thump...thump, thump.

Bella's heartbeat – the only sound in the world that mattered – kept time with the ticking clock, each second passing was another heartbeat that I would never hear again. Time seemed to stand still, each moment feeling like an eternity, yet time was passing far too quickly. Her precious heartbeats were numbered.

I watched helplessly as my love withered before my eyes. The monster within her – the parasite – was slowly killing her from the inside out, robbing her of any means of sustenance. Her skin hugged her bones, her hair had lost its shine, her cheeks had lost their color. Even her scent, the intoxicating aroma that had once called to me, reeked of death. She was vanishing before our very eyes.

She clutched her belly protectively, stroking it with some misplaced sense of affection toward the monster that was gradually draining away her life. Purple splotches bloomed where there was once creamy skin. Every wince of pain, every whimper, was a stab through my heart.

The agony of watching someone you love go through such pain, the horror of knowing that you are the cause of their suffering, is the worst torment imaginable. Flames of guilt licked my skin, setting me ablaze in my anguish. The memory of venom searing through my veins was nothing compared to the torture I was now forced to endure. I would gladly suffer a thousand years of the stinging pain of venom than be forced to tolerate another second of this affliction.

I would give anything to take her place, to ease her suffering. I wish it were me. The world would not miss a monster such as myself, but to deprive the world of such a brilliant soul was a complete and utter tragedy.

I couldn't tell you how much time had passed. For me, time was measured by the beats of her heart and the growing inches of her abdomen. The creature's movements had become so strong that they were easily seen, even through her clothing. She had taken to wearing Emmett's sweatshirts – they were the only thing that would fit her now as she still insisted that Alice not buy maternity clothing for her. I was, however, thankful that the membrane surrounding the creature was impenetrable, like our skin. It was, perhaps, the only thing keeping Bella's insides from being crushed entirely.

The mindset of the house had shifted from one of vocal concern to one of quiet determination – everyone doing their part to save both Bella and myself. I wasn't able to share in their tentative optimism.

Carlisle had taken a sabbatical from work to care for Bella, as much as Rosalie would allow. His office had been converted into a makeshift emergency room with equipment I prayed would never be necessary. He spent his days researching with Jasper and preparing for whatever horrors might befall Bella on the day the parasite decided to emerge from the womb. His presence was also necessary to bring validity to the charade of Bella's 'illness', the excuse she used to make contact with her father while assuring his distance. I had been adamantly opposed to the idea of contacting him, but it seemed that she had given up completely on listening to anything I had to say.

Jasper was deep in research, attempting to do what he could do to help, but also distancing himself as far from me as he could while still remaining in the house. Carlisle insisted that his ability would be invaluable in keeping Bella calm should the need arise, but dealing with my own demons had become too much for him to bear. The depths of my depression were far too deep for his powers to be effective – all I did was drag him down with me.

Even Alice kept her distance. The blurry images running constantly through her mind tormented her nearly as much as my helplessness tormented me. She felt guilty for failing me in my most desperate hour of need and, like me, she felt useless as she too watched her best friend slowly die. She wore a grimace of pain that matched Bella's and she spent most days with her head in her hands, uselessly rubbing her temples to bring some relief from the constant buzzing in her brain.

Rosalie was ever–present, hovering over Bella and doting on her, encouraging her insanity, all the while her thoughts on the unborn child and its impending birth. She kept a close eye on both me and Carlisle, wary that our desperation to save Bella would drive us to act rashly. And where she was, Emmett also was, keeping a wary eye on me, ready to protect his wife if necessary. I found it sanctimonious that he was allowed to protect his wife, but I was barred from protecting mine. His normally jovial demeanor was subdued – like Jasper, he had long since given up on trying to improve my mood.

With the exception of Bella and Esme, everyone seemed to be distancing themselves from me. Both women with strong nurturing instincts bolstered me when I didn't deserve it. Bella suffered because of me, because of what I had done to her, yet she was the one to stroke my hair and to whisper soothing words.

Esme, it seemed, was torn in her loyalties. She sympathized with Bella's plight and wouldn't dare to take a child away as had been done to her, yet she feared what may happen if things went badly. The idea of welcoming a child into the family made her heart swell with joy, but conversely, the thought of losing two dear children in the process was more than she could bear. Most of the time she kept her thoughts well hidden from me, but the fear of losing her family was stronger than the blockades she built in her mind to cage those thoughts.

But true to form, she did her best to put on a brave face as she fretted over me, encouraging me to feed at every opportunity. I couldn't do it – I couldn't leave Bella's side. I wouldn't waste the precious seconds I had left with her on something as trivial as that. It had been a week since I last fed, a week since I ran through the jungles of Brazil only to return to the nightmare that now ensnared me.

As weak as I had become, as overwhelmed by guilt and sadness as I was, I still kept the darkest parts of myself hidden from Bella. As her body grew weaker, the strain on her heart only increased. Any undue stress could be disastrous in her delicate condition. She knew that I suffered – I wasn't strong enough to put on a brave face, even for her. But there were brief moments when we were apart, when Rosalie insisted on Bella's privacy to bathe or to have her human moments. It was in those times that I held my head in my hands and allowed myself to feel the full extent of my own self loathing, to let myself sink down into the depths of the darkness that threatened to engulf me. I was a murderer, a monster, and I deserved to despair in the deepest circle of hell for what I had done. Even more than the human lives I took in my past, none compared to the level of guilt I felt for what I had done to my love.

So the clock kept ticking, the moments kept passing by, and with each passing second, the hopelessness and desperation within me grew. I sat at Bella's feet, clenching my fists so tightly that tiny fissures, like the delicate spindles of a spider's web, spread out across my strained knuckles. I bit my tongue, fighting the urge to scream as she lovingly stroked her stomach, humming her lullaby to the monster within. The melody stopped when the phone began to ring.

"Cullen residence," Esme's soft voice broke through the solitude. Her eyes flickered to Bella and then to me. Charlie again, she thought. The corners of her mouth turned down in a frown as she began to, once again, lie to Bella's father, to the man who had trusted us, trusted me, to care for his only daughter. What a disappointment I turned out to be.

"Hi, Charlie. It's good to hear from you again. I hope you're well."

Bella's head snapped up at the mention of her father's name. I was thankful that the sound of Charlie's voice didn't travel from the receiver to Bella's ears as clearly as it did to mine. Charlie strived to be a pillar of strength, never, like me, allowing to her to know the full scope of his concern. But when he spoke to Esme or to Carlisle, he was broken and pleading, desperate for a sliver of information about his daughter, begging for the opportunity to see her. I knew that it pained them both to keep him in the dark like this, but we all knew it was for the best. We couldn't risk exposure, not if we wanted him to be safe.

"Carlisle is doing everything he can," Esme assured him. "I'm sorry, but he still has her under quarantine...no, but we hope she will be well enough for you to visit soon...hold on just a moment."

Esme pressed a small button on the phone to mute the call. He wants to speak to Bella, she thought. She clutched the phone to her chest, lines of worry creasing her brow. "Bella, sweetheart, it's your father. Do you feel well enough to speak with him?"

Bella nodded and held her hand out for the phone. Her outstretched arm quivered, too weak to support even its own weight. Her heartbeat increased in tempo in anticipation of speaking to Charlie, of the knowledge that she would once again be forced to lie to him for his own protection.

I wanted to snatch the phone from Esme's hand, to beg forgiveness from Charlie for what I had done and plead for him to talk some sense into his daughter. If she wouldn't listen to me, perhaps she would listen to him. But, as in all the other scenarios that rooted in my mind, all the other ways I imagined trying to save her, I knew that it would end just as badly.

Every moment in the past week that had not been focused on helping her was instead concentrated on finding some way – any way – to convince her to change her mind. Neither Alice nor I were successful and her father was ignorant of what we are. The only other person she would remotely listen to that had any inkling of the type of danger she was facing was Jacob. As much as I loathed to even consider the notion of involving that mongrel, he was likely my last hope in reaching her. I knew that he still loved her, that, just like me, he would do anything to save her. But how could I reach him? Surely he wouldn't answer my call and I shuddered to think of what may happen if I left Bella's side to find him. I didn't even know if he was still in La Push. After the emotional display at the wedding, it was highly likely that he had run off again. And if I did reach him, would we once again be locked in the same battle for her heart? Not that it mattered now. I would willingly give her up, sacrificing my own happiness, if it ensured her survival.

But I was paralyzed by my own fears, by the knowledge that nothing I could do would result in a happy ending for any of us. The question that remained, the inquest that pervaded my every thought – when that end did come, who would walk away happy? Would any of us? I honestly couldn't see a result that didn't end in death and heartache. The sun was setting quickly on Bella's life, the dusk was fast approaching, and there was nothing but blackness beyond it.

The sound of rustling fabric and Bella clearing her throat shook me from my thoughts. "Hi, Dad," Bella wheezed into the phone. Her heart rate escalated further as her father began to speak. He was becoming increasingly worried and less and less adept at hiding it from her. "I'm feeling a little better today," she lied. "No, Dad, I don't want to get you sick."

A tear slowly trickled down her cheek. I reached up, brushing my thumb across her prominent cheekbone, taking great care; it felt as though she could crumble at the slightest touch. I kept my hand there, cradling her head as she leaned into my touch. Tears continued to gather in her eyes and escape, weaving meandering paths across her already moist cheeks. She struggled to keep her tone even, but her voice wavered, only serving to increase her father's insistence that he see her. She hated lying to him.

I didn't understand – didn't understand why Charlie listened. I would have refused to listen, would have forced my way to Bella to see for myself if the stories about her illness were true. And I didn't understand her. I didn't understand how she could put her father through this. Why insist on speaking to him now? If she truly believed she would not survive this pregnancy without the aid of venom, why would she make the eventual separation that much harder by forcing him to witness her demise from afar? I felt akin to Charlie, both helpless to do anything to save the one we loved, both waiting for the possibility or eventuality of her death.

Even after the call ended, Bella kept the phone to her ear, her thin fingers clinging to it like a life preserver, the only thing that still connected her to her human family. I reached up and took the phone from her hand. She stared off for a moment, lost in the silence of her own thoughts, but then her bottom lip began to tremble and a heartbreaking wail echoed from her lips.

Oh dear, Esme fretted. I handed the phone to Esme and reached for Bella. Rosalie hissed, arching her body protectively over her. Not a chance.

"Back off, Rosalie," I growled as I again reached for Bella and scooped her up in my arms. She had grown so thin, she felt like a small child as I held her to me. I sat back down on the couch, Bella cradled to my chest as I rocked her gently. She buried her face in my shirt, her salty tears staining the fabric as she let out her grief, gradually letting go of her father. Rosalie remained fixed at my side, watching my every move in anticipation that I might take this chance to run away with Bella in my arms. Admittedly, the thought had crossed my mind. The more time that passed, the less and less I cared about how my actions would affect the future. As the opportunities to save Bella slowly slipped through my fingers, the more and more I wondered if the end would justify the means.

But for now, I would do what I could to comfort her and keep her calm while inside I blazed with the agony of watching my only love's suffering. I hated that she was being forced to give up so much at once – her family, her life, her humanity. If I were honest with myself, if I had had the opportunity to say goodbye to my family, knowing now what I didn't know then, I may have done just the same. No matter how much Bella wanted this life, no matter how much she wanted this...baby...it didn't change the fact that she had decided to wait, that she hadn't been ready to let go of her humanity. Now faced with the inevitability that she would no longer have Charlie in her life, so soon after getting him back, she was forced to let him go.

What happened? Is she in pain? Carlisle thought as he appeared in the room, followed by Alice and Jasper.

Sensing the presence of the others now in the room, Bella sucked in a shuddering breath to stifle her sobs and brought her hands up to her face, wiping her palms across her tearstained cheeks. "Sorry," she whispered.

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Esme soothed. "We all hate keeping Charlie in the dark, but it's for his own safety."

"I know," Bella sniffled, "but that still doesn't make it easy."

"Saying goodbye is never easy," I whispered, wondering if she would hear the dual meaning in my words. For me, every passing second that we stood idle was another silent goodbye.

"It's the hormones." Rosalie tossed a blonde curl over her shoulder. "Every woman gets overly emotional during a pregnancy. It's perfectly normal."

"There is nothing normal about this," I hissed under my breath.

That's enough, Rosalie thought as she moved to stand in front of me, her arms crossed. Time to move.

A low growl rumbled in my chest. A moment later, Emmett appeared to stand behind Rosalie and Esme at my side. I choked back the words I wanted to say, the arguments I wanted to scream at my siblings. Bella's frail body and struggling heartbeat kept my temper in check. With a heavy sigh, I stood and gently lowered Bella back down to the couch before sinking to the floor at her feet.

I felt trapped in a cage of my own making. Weak and powerless and slowly being driven to the brink. I didn't know how much longer I would last before I finally snapped. Could a vampire go insane? It may not be long before I discovered the answer.

As quickly as everyone had appeared in the room, they all disappeared just as swiftly, trickling back through the house to continue their tasks, each doing what they could to cope with the events of the day. And I was left, weak and cowering at Bella's feet, once again exiled to burn in my own personal hell.

I resumed the task of counting the beats of Bella's heart, periodically listening to the thoughts that filtered unbidden through my mind. I tried to block them out, to ignore the thoughts of those who refused to help me, but they still broke through like uninvited guests, taking root and pushing me further toward the edge.

Thump– thump...thump–thump...thump–thump...

I didn't notice when Esme brought Bella something to eat, but the sound of retching, of solid and liquid hitting the side of a basin, gained my attention. I moaned quietly, clenching my fists until I could hear them crack and sinking myself into the folds of the blanket that fell from Bella's legs to the floor. Another opportunity for nourishment...wasted. Even Carlisle's attempts to ease her nausea through medication had been for naught – a shame after the debate with Rosalie it took to convince her to even allow him to try.

Another loud splatter in the basin and a soft whimper from her lips pierced through me. I moaned again, clamping my hand over my mouth to stifle the sounds of my torment. Get a grip, Rosalie thought to me as she brushed hair, damp with sweat, back from Bella's forehead. I buried my face back in the blankets, wishing I could disappear within them, surrounded by the faint scent if Bella that clung to the fibers.

I hated her new scent, the scent of the thing growing inside her tainting her own. I longed for the clean scent of lavender and freesia again, not marred by the sweetness of the demon or the stench of death that accompanied it. Would I ever smell it again? I wondered absently how long after she was gone would her perfume linger in the house. How long could I hold onto some part of her? I hazarded a guess that her scent would linger long after I was gone. If there was such a thing as mercy in this world, her death would swiftly be followed by my own.

He'd want to fight me alone.

Angry and frightened thoughts filtered into my mind from the outside world, thoughts I had not heard in weeks and certainly didn't expect to hear now. Jacob. Almost as an answer to my unspoken prayer, the one person who might side with me, the only other person who would feel the same level of hatred for the spawn growing inside her, was close by.

Ugh...reeking vampires.

He was very close. I could now hear the rumbling of an engine – no doubt his motorcycle. Rosalie's head shot up as she craned her neck toward the door. Is that an engine? Is someone coming?

Esme and Emmett had also heard the noise and exchanged worried looks. The rest of my family appeared in the room, their thoughts converging on a single word. Exposure.

"Edward, can you hear their thoughts? Is it Charlie?" Carlisle asked with wide eyes, his tone fearful. How will we explain this? How can we protect him...protect the secret?

Rosalie shook her head. "That's not a car engine."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "The pitch is too high and the resonance too loud – that's a motorcycle."

Bella's eyes followed those of my family as her gaze turned to the front door. "Jacob?" she whispered.

Jacob! "What does that mongrel think..." Rosalie hissed.

"The wolves are coming?" Esme gasped. "Carlisle, what do we do?"

"The treaty prevents the pack from coming," he replied, shaking his head. "And if they were coming, I think they would come on foot. I only hear one engine and if Rosalie and Bella are right, then it appears Jacob has come to pay a visit."

"What makes him think he can just drop in unannounced?" Rosalie seethed. "He is not welcome. And how can we hide this," she jutted out a finger, pointing it at Bella's round stomach, "from him? We can't let him in!"

The engine quieted and the sound of footsteps on the gravel drive signaled the arrival of our visitor. I glanced up at Bella. Her face was pale, her expression grave, her breaths shallow.

Carlisle peered through the window. Jacob, he thought. "And what can we say to make him go?" Carlisle reasoned.

"I don't care!" Rosalie fumed. "Jacob Black is an unwelcome guest. Say anything! How did he even...you!" she accused, pointing a finger at me. "You called him, didn't you? It won't work – I won't let him near Bella or the baby."

"I did no such thing," I murmured, shaking my head. "I haven't left your sight. When, exactly, would I have contacted him?"

"Rosalie," Bella whispered her plea. "Stop, please."

"Rosie, babe...he's Bella's friend," Emmett reasoned wrapping an arm around her quivering shoulders. "I'm sure he just came to visit."

Someone's home, Jacob thought. And they know I'm here.

"He won't take no for an answer," Bella sighed. "Keeping him out will only make it worse." She winced, wrapping her arms over her stomach as she rocked forward. The stress was too much for her and I could imagine it was only going to get worse with Jacob here. The tension in the room was palpable and would only escalate once the door was opened. I moaned softly, leaning on Bella's legs, wishing there were something I could do and hating myself even more for hoping that Jacob would appear.

Carlisle walked to the door. Jasper stood close by, concerned that this may be a trick – a diversion by the pack. His loyalties were torn – to stay by Carlisle to act in case of a frontal attack, or to stand by Alice in case Jacob's appearance was truly a distraction from a larger attack at the rear of the house. Carlisle took one last glance at Bella before taking a deep breath and opening the door just wide enough for himself.

"Hello, Jacob," he said. "How are you?"

Carlisle...wish it was Edward. "I heard Bella made it back alive," he quipped, attempting to peer around Carlisle to see inside the house.

"Er, Jacob, it's not really the best time," Carlisle replied uneasily. "Could we do this later?" There was silence for several beats as Carlisle stood awkwardly in the door, silently praying for Jacob to leave.

Bella breathed a heavy sigh. "Why not? Are we keeping secrets from Jacob, too? What's the point?"

Is that? Is she? Jacob's heart began to pound.

"Come in, please, Jacob."

Is it a trick? "Excuse me,"Jacob said. Carlisle hesitated before stepping aside. My attention was split – worrying about Bella and the stress this was causing and listening to the war within Jacob's mind, the battle between instinct and emotion. Without taking my eyes from Bella, I watched the room through Jacob's eyes, seeing the worried faces of my family.

Oh my God…what's wrong with Edward? I saw myself through Jacob's eyes, saw the toll that the past week had taken on me. I had visibly aged, worry and torment stealing whatever life I had. I looked every bit as dead as I was – a walking corpse, a zombie. His eyes flitted from me to Bella, to his reason for coming, to my reason for existing.

Is she...she's still human? He seemed genuinely shocked that Bella had returned from the honeymoon with her humanity intact. She did not, however, return unscathed. Something's not right. His vision gradually cleared, recovering from his astonishment, to see her as she truly was. She's sick…very sick. Charlie was telling the truth.

Bella's stomach churned and she took in a shuddering breath. Rosalie reacted instantly, still acutely aware of Jacob's presence. The sounds of Bella heaving echoed in the room, and I fell to my knees, unable to bear the sights and sounds of her sickness, my eyes pleading for Bella to give up this insanity.

Back off, Edward, Rosalie thought.

What is going on? Bella doesn't even like Rosalie.

"Sorry about that," Bella apologized. I couldn't hold back the moan that escaped my lips. She was suffering – dying – and she was apologizing for it. What could I do to make her see reason? I buried my face in the blanket against Bella's legs, stifling the whimpers that I couldn't contain. I felt Bella's soft hand stroke my cheek and I had to choke back the sob that built in my chest. I didn't deserve her touch, didn't deserve her comfort. I didn't deserve her.

Watch it, dog! Rosalie hissed a warning as Jacob neared.

"Rose, don't," Bella whispered. "It's fine."

She may trust you, but I don't. Filthy mongrel. Rosalie gradually circled behind Bella, but kept her eyes on Jacob. I could feel the heat radiating off of Jacob's skin as he knelt beside Bella, but it was nothing compared to the fire that consumed me.

"Bella, what's wrong?" he whispered as he reached for her hand. So cold. "Are you all right?"

"I'm so glad you came to see me today, Jacob," she said. It sounded like a goodbye, like something someone would say from their death bed. I groaned quietly at the hidden meaning in her words.

"What is it, Bella?" he pressed.

Is she going to tell him?

This is a bad idea. We don't know how the pack will react to the news.

What if he tells Charlie?

Bella's heart thudded an offbeat rhythm as she hesitated to answer him. "Help me up, Rose?"

Not for him.

"Please, Rose."

I could feel Rosalie beside me, but didn't move, couldn't move. I was crippled by my own hopelessness.

"No. Don't get up…" Jacob whispered. So frail…so weak.

"I'm answering your question," Bella snapped.

The fabric rustled and Bella exhaled as Rosalie helped her to stand upright. The blanket fell beside me on the floor and I immediately felt the loss of connection with Bella's skin.

I saw her distorted body through Jacob's eyes. He saw what I saw – something sick, something wrong. I groaned at the images in his mind. It took several moments for Jacob to truly realize what he was looking at. Wait…I saw her a month ago. There is no way she could be pregnant…not that pregnant. A storm of images swirled in his mind, his imagination run amok, the thought of relations between Bella and myself making him physically ill.

He knew after just seconds what I had tried so desperately to convince Bella of, to convince my family of – that the seed that had taken root in her body was destroying her to sustain itself – a monster.

I always knew he would kill her.

My body reacted instantly to his words. I stood to my feet, staring into the eyes of the boy who had tried so many times to steal her heart. My temper flared at his thoughts, at his arrogance. He knew nothing of love. I would rather die a thousand deaths than see any harm come to Bella.

"Outside, Jacob," I growled.

He stood to his feet, heat rippling off his skin in waves. "Let's do this."

Emmett and Jasper came to stand at either side of me, but their presence didn't seem to deter Jacob in the least. He was so keen to see me suffer, so ready to punish me for what I had done to Bella, that he didn't care what happened to himself.

"No," Bella gasped, faltering as she reached for me. Her thin fingers gripped my forearm.

I turned my head to the side and saw the fear in her eyes. "I just need to talk to him, Bella," I assured her. Her gaze flitted between the two of us. I could see in her eyes that the stress of the moment was taking its toll. I reached up, gently stroking her cheek. "Don't strain yourself," I whispered. "Please rest. We'll both be back in just a few minutes."

Her eyes bore into mine, searching for any deception. Even in her fragile state, she was still trying to protect him. After a moment, she sighed and nodded before Rosalie helped her to sit back down. Even in her weakened state, she stared at both of us. "Behave," she threatened. "And then come back."

I nodded and began walking toward the door, every step a struggle. My pain increased with every step I took, the separation from Bella nearly unbearable.

No promises, Jacob thought as he spun on his heel and followed me outside. His thoughts were disjointed as he followed me away from the house, away from the prying ears of my family. I had to be sure we gained enough distance to ensure that the conversation remained between me and Jacob. They mustn't know what I would ask, how I would plead for him to help me save Bella's life.

Jacob's thoughts were gloating – proud that he had separated me from my family. His thoughts fluctuated, but all centered on the idea of killing me. Not that I blamed him.

"I'm not ready for you to kill me yet, Jacob Black," I whispered. "You'll have to have a little patience."

"Patience isn't my specialty," he growled.

We walked until I could no longer hear the sounds from within the house, until I was sure that we were out of hearing range, and I turned to face him. This was it – this was my last chance, my last hope. I stared at the boy who was Bella's friend, who had tried so many times to steal her away, who would have been her mate had our paths not crossed. He had kept her alive on a frozen mountaintop when I could not and now I was forced, once again, to ask for his help. But would it be too late?

A/N: You guys just continue to rock my socks off – I really appreciate all the support. And thanks to Summit for releasing the trailer – can we say EPIC? It definitely gave me some much needed fuel to get through these difficult chapters.

Thanks to my beta, Nellybear85, for once again talking me out of my fixation with the minute and sometimes inconsequential details – sometimes I can't help it. The devil's in the details, right?