Author's Notes: Hello all, and welcome to Hunter's demonstration of how to bag your crush, and if a hooded creature can bag a bi-polar bitch then you should have no problem using these tactics. Anyway, enjoy. P.S. Thanks for those who reviewed and favorited my story.
We're Gonna Get Those Bastards Chapter 2
Tactic 1: Direct approach
A violent storm rocked the rundown streets of the city as mindless infected stumbled back and forth in sporadic and aimless patterns.
However as the horde walked on, a single frailer infected was currently on her hands and knees, crying like no tommorow as the rain drenched her tattered undergarments and hair.
The witch stared at her red eyes in a small reflector pool of rain water, causing a new wave of tears to escape her eyes as she was reminded of what she had become.
But unbeknownst to her while she cried out in pain and suffering, an inconciderate and cocky hooded creature hid behind a nearby car along with a taller man emitting green smoke.
"You sure about this Hunter?" Smoker asked before heaving up a green puff of smoke. The Hunter in question only grinned his pointed teeth at his friend, "Relax Smoke, when I was a normal guy I was real popular with the ladies."
Smoker sighed and leaned against the car as his oblivious friend waltzed over towards the sobbing tortured soul.
The Witch had just begun to choke on her sobs before she halted as the nearby pitter patter of feet on puddles caused her to look up. Upon seeing the obnoxious Hunter from earlier she immediatly let out a menacing growl.
The Hunter paused only for a second as the Witch held her ground and flashed her claws, before putting on a smirk and sitting down next to the unimpressed creature, "Hey cutie you sure did a number on me earlier."
The Witch looked at him slightly confused and the Smoker was amazed at the way Hunter was smooth talking the obviously unstable woman.
However just as Smoker thought that his friend had a chance at bagging the Witch, Hunter decided to take a more up front approach, "So how about you make it up to me and we go make out behind that dumptser."
Smoker's jaw dropped causing his tounge to unravel onto the ground, and he wasn't the least bit suprised as a giant shriek of pain echoed through the air.
A few seconds later Smoker sighed as Hunter walked back over, his severed hand shoved inside his mouth.
Tactic 2: Romantic Music
Witch sighed as she knelt down next to a small fountain in the city park, her claws cupping a small amount of water before slurping it up in contentment.
As she drank the fluids from the expensive looking statue, a hooded man crept into the park, a large electronic device grasped in his clawed hand.
Upon spotting his target at the fountain he gave a cheeky grin and set the boombox on the ground. Then reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small mix tape curtosey of Smoker.
Smoker said that he put songs on this tape specially for him so that he could woo his beloved. Silently thanking his friend he popped the tape into the machine.
The sound of the tape case closing caused the Witch to tense up and glance over to the Hunter. Holding his breath, Hunter was releaved that instead of just mauling the shit out of him at first eye contact she just cautiously watched his every movement.
Hunter was suprised that a Frank Sinatra came on but as he heard the lyrics he realized why Smoker had chosen this one.
Those finger in my hair
That sly come hither stare
That strips my conscience bare
Its witchcraft
Hunter grinned as the Witch's mouth slighlty hung open and he slowly pulled off his hood revealing a well toned body.
As he began to casually walk up to the girl the song abruptly cut off and was replaced by Queens Of The Stonage 'Burn the Witch'
Bite your tongue, swear to keep
Keep your mouth shut
Make up something
Make up something good...
Holding hands
Skipping like a stone
Burn the witch
Burn to ash & bone
Hunter screamed in fright as he dashed over to the boombox and began to mess with the controls to get the song to stop.
Smoker was fucking dead next time he saw him, this wasn't his idea of a practical joke. The Witch only stared with disgust at the horrible song, before Hunter smacked the boombox causing the song to skip repeatidly on the same verse
Burn the witch
Burn the witch
Burn the witch
Burn the witch
"Cheap piece of crap!" he screamed and kicked the boombox through the air. Unfortunatly it didn't go the way he wanted it to as the Witch abruptly felt the plastic collide with her head.
All the color in Hunter's face disappeared as the Witch hung her head in silence, her hair covering her expressionless face.
Then all at once Hunter started to take careful steps back as the Witch's breathing began to grow heavier and louder, her shoulders tensing up and down with each breath.
With a shriek the Witch sped towards the Hunter who immediatly turned tail and tried to jump for the nearest building only to feel the weight of the girl tackle him to the ground, and the familiar feeling of sharp claws ravaging his back.
Tactic 3: Jealousy
Inside a dimly lit sewer tunnel a frale young woman in tattered clothing and pale skin sat against one of the stone walls, her knees up to her chest in a failed attempt to comfort herself as tears fell from her eyes.
The sobs suddenly died down as the Witch heard incoming footsteps and what sounded like muffeled cries for help.
Raising her head from her knees she looked out through the faint light to see what looked like the hooded jerk from earlier, and he seemed to have his arm around a young woman in a red sweat jacket who was currently sporting a cloth mouth gag and ropes tieing her arms behind her back.
Hunter saw that his target was looking at him and quickly turned his head towards his captive, "Gee Zoey this sure is a nice date don't you agree?"
Zoey's response was a firm heel to the foot of the Hunter who yelped in pain as his arm released from the tied up woman.
The female survivor began to make a break for it until she was quickly pulled back in with a yelp. Hunter put on his most diabolical face and was sure to flash his sharpened teeth as he leaned in close and whispered to Zoey,
"Listen bitch if you don't play along here I don't mind sending you back to your friends in pieces, you got me?" Zoey's eyes widened and she gave a quick nod as the Hunter pulled the cloth gag off her pouting lips.
Clearing his throat the Hunter again put his arm around Zoey and looked at her, "As I was saying, isn't this a wonderful date Zoey?"
Zoey gave her best smile and said in her sweetest voice, "Oh yes its every girl's dream to go on a romantic walk through a sewer with a hooded monster."
Hunter's eyes narrowed, "Don't push it lady" he muttered before both his and Zoey's eyes widened as the familiar angered breathing caused them to look over to the wall.
The Witch slowly stumbled to her feet and gripped her claws menacingly, Zoey and Hunter beginning to ease back.
As the Hunter was off guard Zoey was able to loosen her binds and pulled the handgun from her back pocket. To avoid detecton she aimed the gun below the Hunter's eyesight and fired off a shot into the creature's groin.
Hunter yelped in pain as he clutched his balls and fell onto his back. The witch trudged forward and Zoey closed her eyes, bracing for impact.
However when she didn't feel anything she slowly opened her eyes to see the Witch on top of the Hunter, clawing away at his flesh.
Zoey shrugged her shoulders and began to walk away to regroup with Bill, Francis, and Louis.
Tactic 4: Gifts
Hunter sighed as he walked through the city streets, several different shopping bags clutched in his claws. So far he had looted several items from the abandoned stores on the once busy market street.
Diamond rings, expensive chocolates, gold bracelets, and elegant dresses, he had them all in his hands for his beloved. As he passed by another large jewelery located across the street from the park he suddenly paused and glanced over to the familiar fountain in the middle.
There she was just sitting on the edge of the fountain and...not crying. Hunter watched in amazment as the water gently trickled down behind her from the large statues, her face giving off a silent elegant feel as she brushed her hair back and stared up at the moon.
Hunter subconsciously dropped all of his bags, the gifts suddenly seeming too materialistic for such an amazing creature.
Carefully easing down the small walkway he silently took a seat next to the woman who continued to stare up at the moon.
Hunter was horrified that she didn't know of his presence, and when she discovered him he would be feeling the familiar severing of his limbs.
What he didn't expect to was a soft, tired voice, "What do you want now?" Witch asked calmly without breaking eye contact with the moon, 'So...she can talk'.
"Just...just wanted to see what you were up to. You seem less...sad, when your here." Witch gave a sad smile and looked over to her stalker, "This was always my favorite spot to come to...you know...before the infection."
Hunter nodded in understanding as the Witch looked up at the moon again, "My parents would take me to this fountain and we would aways look up at the moon together."
Hunter didn't know what to say as he stared at the woman, and he felt that any type of advances or flirts were not only unnecessary at this time, but down right unreprehensable.
"The reason I cry-" Witch began and Hunter looked at her intently, "-Is because of all the happy memories that I can never experience again. But when I come to this fountain and think about all the memories I've had here...I feel at peace."
Hunter sighed and looked at the ground, his hands on his knees as the two enjoyed the rhytmic drickling of the water behind them.
Suddenly a dandelion growing in the crack of the walkway caught Hunter's attention. This small flower growing in front of the girl's favorite fountain suddenly seemed like a better present then all of the jewelery and clothing in all of the city.
Reaching down and plucking it with the tip of a sharp nail, he held it in front of the Witch who looked at it in slight confusion, "Here...for you" he muttered and slipped it onto the top of the girl's ear, spare strands of hair easing over it.
The Witch didn't say anthing, nor the Hunter as he got up and began to walk towards the distant park gates.
Halfway down the walkway he heard a voice from behind him, "Hey" As Hunter turned around to acknowledge her, a platnium chain necklace was held in front of his face by a clawed hand.
Raising an eyebrow he grasped the chain and looked at the Witch who currently had a faint blush on her face, "I...I was walking through a department store the other day and...t-thought this would match your...hoodie."
Hunter's eyes widened as the Witch turned her head away from him, the blush deepening. Then the Hunter grinned, 'So she doesn't hate me' he chuckled and the Witch was caught off guard as the Hunter pulled her into a tight hug.
Hunter smirked as he watched the Witch's face light up like a tomato before he felt a crushing punch to his stomach and fell to the ground, wind knocked out of him.
From his place on the ground the Witch growled and glared down at him, "Don't push your luck lover boy" she muttered and walked back towards the fountain.
Inside a large abandoned church on the outskirts of the city, three forms stood around a large table at the front of the many rows of chairs that once held hundreds of church-goers.
Where the podium once stood where devoted priests would preach love and affection for God, there was now three massive abominations, living proof that if God really did exist...he was pissed.
Tank watched intently as a ping pong ball went back and forth, on one side was Smoker and the other side was Boomer. As the game was down to the deciding point, Boomer was able to land a massive shot that caused the ball to bounce off Smoker's side and into the air.
Boomer and Tank watched with anticipation as the ball glided through the air before a paddle attached to a long tounge swatted it over Boomer's side and onto the ground, "Game. Set. Match" Smoker weezed with a cocky grin while holding the paddle with his tounge.
Boomer slammed down his paddle onto the table and glared at his friend, "What the hell, you can't use your tounge, that's cheating!" Smoker sucked back in his long appendage, "Sorry buddy, Tank your up."
Tank excitedly trotted over to Boomer's position and with his hip bumped the obese member away. Gripping the paddle which was way too small for his massive hand, he tossed the ball up in the air and gave it such a massive smack that it flew not only through the air, but also through a window.
Smoker glared at the gigantic smiling creature, "Way to go Hulk, now go get it." Tank immediatly sped off for the ball but headed towards the wall insead of the door, "N-n-n-no Tank, use the do-" SMASH.
Smoker sighed as he watched Tank's massive form become more distant through the hole in wall that held a perfect outline of him. Then his eye's perked up as Hunter poked his head through the hole, "Wow you guys do some redecorating while I was gone?" he asked, slightly amused.
As Hunter walked in, Smoker immediatly noticed something, "Well well, I take it from the absence of your beloved that you struck out." Hunter decided to keep the fountain episode a secret for the time being, "Yeah i guess you can say that...btw I just wanted to thank you for giving me that mix tape, it really helped me out."
Smoker laughed, "Yeah sorry about that, I couldn't resist-hey what are you doing?" Smoker asked as Hunter walked up to Boomer and punched him directly in the gut.
Boomer's cheeks immediatly puffed out and he released a wave of greenish puke that flew through the air and dosed the gasping Smoker.
Hunter wasted no time as he dragged Smoker by his tounge up to the church's belltower. With a heave the puke covered Smoker found himself falling two stories and landing on the dirt in front of the building.
Getting up he looked up to the Hunter and put on a nervous smile as he noticed the rope for the bell in the Hunter's hands, "Ca-can't you take a joke Hunter?" he asked in more of a beg.
"Yeah...and jokes on you" he grinned and pulled the rope causing the bell to erupt in a symphony of noise. Smoker's eyes widened as the distant sounds of screechs and foosteps began to get closer.
! Here They Come
Hunter laughed as Smoker ran away screaming, dozens of the infected close behind him. As the Smoker's screams became more distant the hooded creature dangled his new chain necklace and looked up to the moon, 'We'll see each other soon...I know it.'
Author's Notes: Well there you have it for chapter 2. I know this chapter was a little more romancy then humorous but in my next chapter its gonna be all humour. So give me a review and tell me what you think.