Copyright notice: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters.
Our Darkest Desire
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Under my skin, under these scars
Take me again, tear me apart
'Cause I want to see everything you are
'Til all that's left is not myself
Take away everything
Burn away all of me
As I break I believe
You will come to rescue
"Under My Skin"
Trading Yesterday
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The stage was simple and crowded with the members of the council in their most distinguished garb. Lanterns hung on string all around the stage and sweeping throughout the village. Gaara should care and feel something. He knew pride and a sense of accomplishment should swell in his cold breast but he could not summon anything. He had never cared for festivities, but for this he wanted to and found his throat dry instead. The speeches of each member and even from his own sister were garbled noises to him as he sat on his dais. He felt stiff, like the statue the council and village had believed for so long. His face was blank and clean of emotion, but deep down he felt Shukaku pry at his inner armor. Even now, in such a crowning moment, Shukaku still provoked him and tried to look for a way to break his mind down. Gaara would not let him, not now in such an important moment. He knew that this meant everything and he also knew he could not disappoint his siblings, his former sensei, the members who believed in him, his pupil, and the one who had helped so much in bringing about this moment. The one who should be here right now on this stage, right here beside him.
"Now I present with great pride, the new Kazekage of Sunagakure: Sabaku no Gaara!"
Gaara drifted his eyes sharply from where he had let them settle and stood. The applause rose loudly with each step he made to the forefront of the stage. He made a simple gesture, grateful that the formal hat of the Kage hid so much of his face. The motion settled the crowd down as they waited with anticipation and trepidation.
He let his eyes sweep the crowd before speaking with his usual monotone.
"I will give my word to bring the economy of this village back to what it should be: prosperous. I may not have been a choice some have wanted, but I can guarantee that with the wisdom I have gained through relationships and alliances with villages that this village will return to what it once was and will forever be. I will-"
Gaara felt his voice cut off, when his eyes focused on a small shape towards the back of the crowd. He felt a lump in his throat and heard his sister draw in a sharp breath. Focusing on the bright shape with sharp eyes, he spoke his last words with finality and utter seriousness that left the crowd with a murmur then a cheer of joy.
"I will give my word, my life, to protect this village and its people. Nothing, not one enemy or a thousand, will stop me from defending this village."
Gaara stood silently for a minute before turning away to walk from the stage loudly down the steps.
XXXXXX
"I will give my word, my life, to protect this village and its people. Nothing, not one enemy or a thousand, will stop me from defending this village."
Hinata locked pale eyes with Gaara's, even if the elaborate Kage hat covered nearly all his features. Somehow she knew his intense gaze had been upon her. He had found her in the crowd, even if Ko and Kankuro had been strict about keeping her near the shadows in case she felt weak or sick.
She had demanded as firmly as her soft voice could get that she needed to see Gaara become Kage in front of his village. Somehow, for some reason, she needed to see it to know that he had fulfilled his ultimate wish: to be recognized as human and a member of this village, not a danger. Being Kage would change the whole world for not just him, but the village and she took happiness in knowing that this change might bring solace to him. Being a failure, an outcast, was isolation at its worst…she knew this well.
"Ok, Hinata, you saw what you wanted to see." Ko's baritone said wearily. He had been on edge about bringing her out from her room but had ceded to her wishes reluctantly.
Kankuro shifted his feet and rubbed his stubbled jaw. His purple paint reflected in the light of the lantern and highlighted the soft brown in his wild hair. He leaned in briefly and touched her elbow.
"I am glad you're awake. You look stunning, Hinata-chan…just don't tell anyone I said that, especially Gaara. Haha."
Hinata turned her head towards him lightly, letting a soft smile brush her pink lips. She had decided on an off white kimono that fit her curvy shape well. The neckline was wide with simple embroidery matching her thick shimmery obi and small shoes. The sleeves were scrunched back, dropping like a waterfall to her shins with the same embroidery. Her hair was just as simple as she could keep it. Her thick hair was swept over one shoulder and kept up in a braid with only a large lily pinned next to her ear. Her makeup was a white shimmery along the lids with a glossy peach on the lips.
Ko had insisted on a parasol of fragile cream to block against the breeze, which she finally gave in to. She twisted it in one hand, her brows drawn in thought.
"The carnival and small dance is beginning. I-I know Temari-chan will be joining. We could w-watch maybe?"
Kankuro huffed lightly. "She is a sucker for those fan dances."
Ko looked ready to argue but instead lifted the crook of his arm for her. Hinata took it shakily and began a slow walk through the crowd, Kankuro at a close pace behind them.
The crowd was thick and rowdy, torches and lanterns everywhere. Laughter was ringing in Hinata's ears as well as shouts of joy when a villager won a prize or heard a joke. She could feel a headache and a sense of claustrophobia trickle through her body, the rough rubbing of bodies against her own tiny frame jolting her to the side before she felt Ko grab her arm to right her on her feet.
A spicy, earthy smell hit her nostrils suddenly before she crinkled her nose and raised her eyebrows in surprise. She let widened eyes meet the burning emerald eyes of the new Kage. His pale hand held her arm firmly, but still with great gentleness.
"Gaara, hey-"Kankuro began.
"No."
"Right. Well, it's been fun but I'm going to join the games now and win some money!"Kankuro joked uncomfortably before becoming lost in the crowd.
Gaara stood upright, his eyes never leaving Hinata's.
"Lady Hinata, will you accompany me on a walk through the festivities?"
Hinata shifted her doe eyes to Ko, who swelled his chest before bowing.
"Be careful, Hinata-sama. I will meditate in the room."
He whispered before leaving as well.
Hinata was now alone with Gaara, his hand outstretched before her own. She tilted her head, twirling her parasol nervously.
"Do you fear me?"
His familiar words shook her from her nervous state and immediately brought a shy smile to her trembling lips.
"No."
Gaara's own lips twitched before he let his eyes wander to her hand resting on his arm. He stood silent and still for a moment, simply keeping his eyes on her hand before bringing his head up and let his feet move. Hinata followed curiously, feeling a ball form in her stomach: a ball of nervousness, anxiety and growing anxiousness.
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They had walked silently throughout the carnival, the crowds quickly parting for them with quick apologies. Neither listened, both lost in thought until they had found themselves in the garden of the Kage's home. Gaara did not know how they had reached there and neither did Hinata.
The garden was full of weeds and crinkled flowers that had been dead for many years. The acacia trees were twisted and dying as well, forming bizarre and spooky shapes to those who would be easily scared. The small pool of water was empty, leaving rot and decay. Dead leaves were scattered along the bottom and the sides. Hinata's hand left Gaara's arm slowly, her sad eyes taking in the site of the tragic garden.
She walked hesitantly around the different squares of dead flowers, her hand brushing along the dead leaves that fell to the ground as soon as her fingers touched them. Her eyes scanned each flower, her eyes growing mistier by the second until she reached the small bridge that crossed the pool in the middle. She went to place a hand on the rotted wood until she noticed a large plot of earth where large dead flowers stood off to the side of the bridge and one of the acacia trees. She knelt beside the plot of land and held the largest flower, feeling the petals crunch in her palm.
Hinata's eyes fluttered before she whispered softly almost to herself.
"This is a sad place, I can feel it in the energy. I have a garden back at the compound I retreat to. It is a garden full of life and solace. How lonely these flowers must be."
Silence filled the air before Gaara cleared his throat.
"This was my mother's garden."
"Were you close to her?"
"No,"Gaara replied sharply before clenching his jaw.
Hinata stood and walked towards Gaara, her hands rubbing her chilled arms. Her eyes drilled into Gaara softly before he was forced to look at her face.
White eyes of loneliness…
"My mother died when I was small. I remember her through what she left behind for me, but sometimes I think I remember her love and laughter."
Gaara stood tensely, his eyes looking deeply into hers. He could see the sadness, the loss she felt, and also strength inside her bones to remember her mother. He didn't want to remember his mother or even his father. Hinata radiated deepness, a sensitive soul that yearned to connect and that bewildered him. He had never known a person like her.
"You're cold. I will walk you to your room."
Hinata nodded quickly and placed her hand on his arm without hesitation. He felt a shiver inside his stomach but shook it off and began walking her through the maze of his home to her room. They both stood still once more, tension riding in the air before Hinata went to open her mouth.
"Hinata?"
"Y-yes. Gaara?"
Gaara closed his eyes then spoke.
"Can I come in? Your company calms me."
Her eyebrows rose before she trembled like a leaf then nodded, opening her door.
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Hinata's room was immaculate. She had made sure flowers were cut and placed near her bed and in different parts of her room. She walked quickly to a candle and knelt to light it with shaky hands. She glided over to the other candles, lighting them while letting her eyes flicker over to Gaara. He had looked over the room briefly then took slow strides to her open balcony. The cool breeze whipped some of his wild copper strands along the nape of his neck and temples.
After lighting the candles, Hinata sat on her bed and placed her hands on her lap. She sat slowly, her spine becoming stiff and her heart thudding wildly in her chest like it would burst through.
"My mother hated me. The village, my father, they all sacrificed her to create me. The ultimate weapon, the monster they all feared. Many tried to kill me, even my own uncle who had shown me any love. I hated everyone after that. I wanted to only love myself and kill. No other person mattered, they were blood bags to feed my sand and Mother. Did I care if they had families, dreams, goals, and desires? No.'
'As I am sure you may know, Naruto changed this for me. I learned I could change, that I was not so alone. I wanted to be like him but something would not change in me and this village still saw me as a horror story to tell children."
Hinata gasped, her hands holding her chest as Gaara spoke earnestly and candidly about his life. She never knew. Naruto barely spoke about Gaara and never about this like Gaara assumed. She felt now as if she was the monster, as if she were one of the villagers who had scorned him.
"Everyone still feared me."
Hinata looked at the ground, feeling tears well in her eyes. The loneliness he must have felt…her heart broke as she closed her eyes to remember her rejection of him when he had tried to give her medicine so long ago. Every rejection, every jeer, every assassination attempt, must have shut off his heart. To never have felt love or kindness, to be looked at with contempt…no one should feel that.
"You feared me."
Hinata looked up to see Gaara's steady gaze upon her but his eyes were different now. They were burning with a sheen of mist over the deep green she had grown to know so well.
"Do you fear me now?"
Still after the time they had spent, he was insecure about what she thought. Why was it so important to him? She was beginning to understand now as she watched him pour his heart out, his dark and uneven heart. His hands rubbed along his hat, nearly tearing it up.
"No, never."
He looked down then sat by her but not close. His head fell into his hands, the hat discarded to the side.
"Do you think I am a monster?"
Hinata shifted uncomfortably before looking at his hat. Her head was swimming and her body felt light.
"No, Gaara. I think y-you're lonely."
"You believe in me so strongly. You have felt loneliness in your life. You should never have felt that."
Her hand lifted from her lap and paused in the air before touching his shoulder without further hesitation.
Gaara immediately stopped tearing at his hair, his hands dropping slowly from his head. He looked from the ground and let his eyes connect with hers. His bloodshot eyes were no longer steel and blank, but lost and troubled. He searched Hinata's face before focusing on her small hand on his shoulder.
"No one has ever touched me willingly."
Hinata didn't know what to respond with. She felt him shift, his torso facing her completely so her hand was splayed fully on his chest. His heart beat strongly, thumping on her palm and pushing energy through her skin. The energy made her breath catch and her own pulse quicken.
He brought his left arm up and let his palm linger before letting it drop to touch her own. He paused suddenly, his lids dropping. He mumbled before taking a breath. Energy filled the room before grains of sand swirled around his body. The sand cracked along his skin and broke off, flying into his gourd. His eyes lifted to look into her wide ones before his lips opened then closed. His hand was trembling before he touched her hand, enclosing it gently. He took in a sharp breath before his eyes snapped to look at her shocked face.
"Your skin is smooth. I've never felt anyone before."
He then paused, taking her hand off his chest and simply holding in front of him.
"Hinata, do you fear me?"
Hinata took in a shaky breath and shook her head. A spell had taken over her, that earthy scent of spice wrapping itself in a cocoon over her body. She felt a tightening in her stomach and heat pooling, his warm hand weaving her into ball of building pressure.
He took her hand then and rubbed his thumb on her pulse before whispering aloud.
"Shukaku used to desire your blood, even I did once. Then you gave me your token, the pressed flower. I keep it on me always. It helps me in my dark battles with my demon when he wants to break me."
He continued ministering to her hand, his thumb finding the pulse in her wrist and pressing it. He turned her hand over then brought her exposed hand to his lips. His mouth brushed her heated skin before pressing a delicate pressing of his lips to her wrist.
"I could never hurt you, never you."
He pressed another butterfly pressing of his lips to her hand before he moved closer to her, placing her hand back in her lap with the other one. His hand still covered her own, his eyes never leaving where they touched.
"Why?"
His eyes met hers before he brought his face close to hers, his nose almost brushing hers. He took in a breath then released it before he looked away. Strands of his unruly hair brushed along her face. His defined jaw clenched and his throat moved slowly. He looked at her once more, the strands falling in his eyes before they settled on her lavender ones.
"You are precious to me. I would never hurt someone precious to me like you have grown to be to me. You are so innocent, kind, unwavering in your faith to heal…"
Hinata squinted her eyes and shook her head, letting her mind clear.
"You are innocent too, Gaara."
Gaara chuckled darkly, the first she had ever heard him laugh.
"I am not innocent nor am I a hero. I am not good like Naruto. Darkness still surrounds this but I do know this, Hinata."
Hinata felt Gaara close their small distance, his eyes now steel.
"Even a person from the side of evil has someone precious to them. You bring out my humanity."
Their eyes held each other for what seemed like ages before he broke their gaze. He felt his body tremble and his lips shake, the fire inside him building unlike anything before. He was so close to her like he had never been with any person, not even an enemy or sibling. He realized he had let her into him and he knew now, as Shukaku did, that he had broken his walls. He was exposed now, that this small Hyuga had the Ultimate Weapon in her small hands to break if she pleased.
"Hinata, I've never been this close to anyone. I am afraid and it feels odd that I would be."
He turned to look at Hinata, whose full lips smiled shyly.
"Me e-either."
He looked at his hand and then took in the full sight of her. She was small but full. Her dress reflected who she was, innocent and graceful. He then let his eyes drift from her face to her pale throat and to her fragile collarbone.
"Can I touch you? Once more?"
Hinata chewed her lips, pausing then nodded slowly. She was gone, burned from the inside. She was vulnerable and desiring his gentle touch, a touch from a killer she didn't want near her so long ago. When she looked into his eyes now, she saw someone else. She saw a boy whose heart had been shattered and a man trying to pick up pieces to become the man the village needed, a man that could change into something better.
It was when she felt his hand along her collarbone, the tapered fingers brushing along her skin that she felt her breath catch and her mind freeze. She had never been touched like this. His touch was hesitant, unsure, and nervous. It was very unlike the aloof, confident Gaara she had known for so long.
His nose brushed along her shoulder, breathing in her calming scent. He wanted to press his lips along her collarbone, but he felt his mind scatter. He didn't know how to proceed, what was right, what was wrong, if she felt like maybe his touch was really poison.
"I don't know what to do. I know that touching you like this calms me. Tell me to stop and I will."
"Gaara-"
"I am sorry."
"Gaara, I-I am n-not afraid. Your touch isn't tainting me."
It was then when he looked into her eyes that he felt her; it was then when he pressed his lips hesitantly on hers that he drank in her heart, her soul, her mind. Her hand touched his cheek, shaking the whole time. He quickly reached his hand into her hair and gripped her closer. His lips pressed harder, the fire in him unleashed. Everything that built for so long in his mind and the pieces of his heart crashed into everything that was his first kiss. He moved his lips frantically, fear growing and twisting together with the desire in his blood. Her own lips pressed against his fervently, her hands touching his chest gently. He then pressed his lips on her nose, cheeks, eyelids and every part he could cover of her soft face before both were left breathing heavy.
Hinata felt her body weaken with each burning kiss of Gaara's along her face and each murmur along her ear. She could not remember her body falling along the bed or Gaara tentatively taking a strand of her hair into his hand, kissing it and looking intensely into her eyes. His eyes were smoldering, with dashes of that vulnerable child he had talked of and that steel of the man he had grown to be. He softened his expression before closing the space between them and dropping a butterfly kiss on her bruised lips.
He placed both hands on the sides of her face and pressed his forehead along hers.
It was then that the moment was shattered by reality. It was then that she realized she was the Hyuga heir and he was the Kazekage of Sunagakure.
"Hinata, stay with me."
His eyes pleaded with hers.
"You are my humanity."
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Note: This was a BIG one to write and I hope I got it just right with tone, characters, and their past histories as far as this story and the anime/manga. It took me awhile to write this to find the right words, moments and all the little things. I think Gaara is deep down an emotional guy, especially as a young child and later on further in the manga during the big war. He is also complex. Thats how I interpret it anyway. Hinata...I hope I captured her just right. She cares about him deeply, he slightly challenges her and she connects to him. She's also very innocent and so is he. I wanted to make it passionate but innocent and maybe unsure on both parts. I'm rambling now. I hope you guys like it and please review to let me know what you thought of this. After this chapter we have TWO or THREE more. Oh, no! No worries...I got a sequel in the works. I will be thanking all of you guys on my last one for sticking by so shout outs will be written.
PLEASE PM ME FOR ANY QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE CONCERNING THE STORY, CHARACTERS AND EVEN THE SEQUEL!