Chapter Seventeen: Like rain in the desert of your heart.

"The physio said Grams is doing really well, Dad. Stop worrying."

Castle sighs, "Are you doing okay though?" he inquiries quietly. "I'm sorry I kind of ran out on you and left you in charge hunnie, but when I found out Kate was coming up here to go over the case I just . . ."

He can hear Alexis smiling down the phone line.

"You felt you needed to go with her. It's fine, Dad. Grams is still sleeping a lot but she looks good – really. The facial paralysis is startlingly better, and she's pretty bright actually when she's awake. The physio today was for her left hand, and there's a little bit of movement on that side now, which I'm told is insanely ahead of expectations. Dr. Browne was so happy; he said she's amazing him and that he thinks she'll be able to transfer to a private rehab facility soon, most likely within a week."

His daughter's voice isn't showing any strain, and she sounds so happy and relieved that it buoys him. He's been fighting against a wall of guilty feelings for wanting to remain here in the Hamptons a little; the good news is a balm to him.

"Wow. Alexis that's great." He sighs into the phone. "Is she communicating at all?"

There's a slight pause.

"Not in words no," Alexis responds. "But her expressions have gotten clearer since she's gained a bit more control of her face back. It's still so early, Dad. Honestly I think we just have to know this is going to take time, and be comforted that she at least understands us. I mean she's nodding and oh she's rolling her eyes now – remember how much she denied it when you told her she stole that from Kate?"

Oh he remembers.

He can picture it, oh so clearly, and his chest tightens for a moment with the memories. After he and Kate got married his mother had suddenly 'adopted' that trait from his wife and then overused it with a theatrical vengeance. Secretly he'd kind of loved it of course. He'd loved how closely bonded it had seemed to make them.

"Dad? Dad are you still there?"

Realizing he hasn't spoken in too long the writer pulls his thoughts firmly back to his conversation.

"Yeah, yeah I was just thinking," he admits wistfully, and 90 miles away his daughter picks up on the tone in his voice instantly.

"How are things between you and Kate?" she asks gently. "I know it's been difficult to be around her and I'm sure some part of you is mad at me for involving her-"

"I'm not mad," he interrupts quickly, cutting his daughter off.

Alexis sounds surprised,

"You're not? You were." She retorts.

He blows out a slightly frustrated breath.

"Okay, I was - I didn't want to see her, I admit that. But things are a little different now, Alexis. Better."

"Better? Better how?"

Worry has crept into his daughter's voice and suddenly Castle isn't sure how much he wants to tell her. Alexis and Kate have such a checkered history. He'd been so surprised when Alexis wanted to involve his wife in their affairs again, but had chalked it up to too much trauma happening and Alexis needing support she'd feared in that moment he couldn't give her.

'Dad?" she prompts. "Things are different and better how?"

"Not so awkward," he hedges. "We're talking. Kate's . . . Well she's opened up and explained some things and its like weights have been lifted off me. I feel like I understand what happened to her after Jack died. What happened to us - and it helps pumpkin."

"Oh, okay." His daughter replies, but it doesn't sound like she's okay with it, it sounds more like she's scared for him. He gets it, he does. Alexis has been all that's held him together, all that he's lived for since her brother died. She's had to hold their family unit together basically all alone, but he doesn't want to have to justify this. Justify listening to Kate. It's not like he's made any decisions and frankly Alexis is a grown woman, and his marriage really is none of her business.

Is he defending Kate here?

He feels prickly, defensive and overwhelmed, but then before he can formulate something that doesn't sound like he's just rolled over and forgiven everything, or like he's making excuses, Alexis surprises him.

"You know what Dad, I'm glad. I'm glad things are better between you and honestly whatever happens all I want is what's best for you. And you still love her; I know you do, so if you can get past what happened, what she did. If you can find each other again, find peace, be happy - I want that for you. The last year has sucked and everyday I've watched you wage this war, Dad. Seeing you struggling, seeing you so miserable has been awful, and I blamed Kate for that, I did; even as I tried to stay focused on the fact that she was a mother whose baby died. But it's not me who needs to forgive her, and it's not me that she's in love with. Just be happy Dad, find a way to smile again, and if what it takes for that to happen is Kate Beckett being Kate Castle again then please don't worry about me. She'll never deserve you in my eyes, but she doesn't have to because it's what you deserve that concerns me. And you deserve everything."

Castle chokes up. His eyes blur and his throat closes and he's so damn proud of his daughter. Of who she is, and then that thought makes him ache for the fact that he'll never get to feel this way for his son. He'll never know who Jack would have grown up to be.

"I love you," he murmurs roughly. "Alexis, I-"

"It's okay Dad. No need to say it."

Bless her.

"I'll be back soon," he promises. "I just – honestly you'd never know anything had happened here kiddo. And with the anniversary the day after tomorrow I . . . I don't want to wake up in the loft that day. I don't think I can deal with it," he confesses a little brokenly.

"Then stay there, Dad. I'll explain to Grams that you will be back in a couple of days and we'll go from there. Is Kate staying with you or does she have to get back to the city? I've never seen her take such an amount of time away from work - except when you guys went on a vacation."

No, neither has he come to think of it, interesting.

"We haven't discussed it," he replies carefully, "I haven't brought up the anniversary at all because until now I didn't believe for a second that she'd stick around to deal with it. Part of me still doesn't."

The words are heavy, torn from him. Alexis hears in the spaces between such starkly present fears. Her mind races and Alexis can't help but recall how she counseled him to file the divorce papers. How she's gently but firmly pushed him to move on. It had seemed like the only path, the only right thing to do to get him living in the world again. Now suddenly there seems to be another way.

"Maybe you should then." She presses. "It's going to affect you; hell it's going to affect all of us. Dad, please don't let this sneak up on either of you. You've been given a new opportunity to face this as a couple now – maybe it can even be a foundation if you let it."

Her father is quiet the other end, all she can hear is his uneven breathing and the cogs she imagines whirring in his mind. When he replies though, there is a slight smile in his voice, the fear is lessened and there's this delicate optimism caressing the single word.

"Maybe."

"I love you, Dad. Call me when you're heading home, okay."

"I will, and thanks Alexis – for everything."

Kate stands in the doorway to the kitchen; she catches the final part of her husband's conversation.

"We haven't discussed it. I haven't brought up the anniversary at all because until now I didn't believe for a second that she'd stick around to deal with it. Part of me still doesn't."

It makes her tremble to hear the fear in his voice, and she longs to erase it. She can only imagine what Alexis is saying, and Castle is standing with his back to her so she can't see his face. She feels herself tighten with anxiety but then as she watches she's pleased to see the tense set of his shoulders lessen.

"Maybe."

His response to his daughter is lighter, less burdened; Kate relaxes a little and allows herself to cross over into the room.

She listens as he sends Alexis his love before he hangs up, and when he notices that she's returned to the kitchen his eyes are almost welcoming.

"Where did you go?" he asks her.

Kate glances over her shoulder and nods towards the French doors,

"I stepped outside; I thought it best to give you some privacy while you talked to Alexis."

He nods, "I appreciate it."

"How's Martha?"

He's smiling now and she notices he looks genuinely pleased as he answers,

"Amazing her doctors and she's started physio for her paralyzed side. Alexis says she's got a little movement back in her left hand and her face looks more even again. She's much better than could be expected actually."

Oh Rick, I'm so happy to hear that."

"Yeah, well it takes a lot to keep my mother down."

Silence falls between them and Kate waits expectantly because the look on Castle's face practically screams that he has something more, maybe something important that he wants to say.

Her husband opens his mouth and then closes it again, turning away he suddenly busies himself once more with the meal prep and Kate is filled with an uneasy disappointment as the moment slips away.

After a quick dinner she helps him clean up in silence, lost for a topic of conversation. Finally when he pours himself another glass of wine and then wanders away towards the living room she decides to just dive in.

"Rick?"

He pauses in the center of the space, turning on another lamp next to the couch now that the sun has set and all the light from outside has finally faded.

"What?"

"Are we staying the night?"

He looks surprised by the question.

"I am," he replies evenly. "You of course are free to return to the city if you choose. But this is your house as well, Kate. So if you want to stay - stay."

He sits and then sort of studiously ignores her.

She screws up her courage and sits next to him.

"I didn't pack anything, but I don't want to leave you," she whispers.

He nods towards the upstairs.

"Everything that was in your closet here is still there," he admits carefully, "Just the same as the loft, Kate. I haven't touched any of it."

She recalls looking for their wedding photo the morning after she came back to him. How she'd found it in her lingerie drawer nestled on top of her things. She didn't actually look in their gigantic walk-in closet, but she can't help the way everything inside her is warmed that he'd still kept everything – waiting.

"How long would -"she begins, but he cuts her off quietly.

"I was going to wait until you'd signed the divorce papers I think. Then I'd have had it all returned to you," he confesses.

Oh.

He looks at her then, eyes almost black in the lamp-lighted room.

"Don't you have to get back to the Precinct? It's been days, Kate. I'm only noticing because Alexis happened to point it out, but what about your work? Why have you just dropped everything to be here with me?"

She frowns, how can he ask that after their earlier conversation? How can he not know? But he looks like he needs to hear her say this.

"You're my husband - my family. So are Martha and Alexis. I cannot fail my family again, Castle. I can't and I won't. And since you're asking, Gates has already promised me all the time you need."

"I need?"

He sounds surprised.

Kate nods.

"You'll never hear her admit it, but I think the Captain has missed you terribly this last year. And she's been very gentle towards me, Rick. Patient in ways that I never would have suspected were in her."

"Oh."

His eyes drop from hers then and he takes a large swallow of his wine, seemingly content to just leave the conversation right there.

But Kate isn't. She knows they've made progress today and she's desperate for more of it already, greedy even.

"So whatever your plans are, however long you intend to be here, Castle - can I stay?" she whispers quietly.

He turns to look at her, his eyes dark and impassive - unreadable.

"It's your house too," he repeats.

She's frustrated. "I know. But you know that's not what I'm asking."

Silent he just stares at her, expression gradually altering and giving him away - he looks wary now.

"Kate, I-"

He gapes at her, struggling.

"I'm not leaving either way," she promises suddenly. "If you're staying, then I'm staying. I'm just asking if you want me here."

His response is silence, it holds long and stretches.

"I don't . . . I can't ask." He admits eventually, and the look in his eyes is so conflicted, so honestly helpless.

It stings, but Kate swallows the hurt - really its nothing. She forces herself to remember that she's pushing him here. They've moved forwards, so she has to let it be enough for today. Scrambling a little off the couch she tries to smile as she runs both hands through her hair as she stands before him. It's early really, barely nine forty-five but she's totally drained from today.

"I'm going to go and look out some sleep clothes then," she tells him. "I'll grab some things from our bathroom and take the guest room. Goodnight, Rick."

She's barely halfway up the stairs when she hears him behind her, his bare feet making almost no sound against the highly polished oak floor. He stops at the base of the staircase just as she turns around.

"Stay."

It's one word, just one word, but he holds her gaze as says it, his face quietly determined. Then before she can answer him, he turns back towards the living room and steps away.

She holds onto the look in his eyes as she climbs the rest of the way to the upper floor, she feels light - like she's walking on air.