This is short. And late. And very angsty. I got inspired by a combination of this song and my…day. It was long. I'll leave it at that.
I do not own TKC or Fixed At Zero.
O-o-O
I've learned to talk with my fingers, the only voice that awakes my ears…
*#*#*
Zia had decided that, even if the war didn't kill her, she was going to put herself in an early grave because her stress levels were absolutely through the roof.
She knew that most of it was probably her own fault; she didn't want to admit it. So much easier to blame other people. Apophis. Carter. Anyone else. She didn't care. She needed someone to blame.
She sighed, flipping the page of her book and sinking further into the couch. Maybe she could just disappear into the cushions and be done with this permanent headache she called her life. Then she wouldn't have to worry about who might want her attention or the new trainees that always called her name, not knowing that someone would have to tap her on the shoulder and point her in the right direction, or the jokes and stories that she would never understand. She wouldn't have to think about the guilty expressions that always flitted across people's faces when they started talking to her, or the way everyone went out of their way now to include her in everything even though she hated it.
How nice it would be to vanish.
Zia glanced up at Anisa and Jaz, who were dancing in the middle of the floor, shouting along to whatever song was playing on the stereo. She couldn't make out what they were saying; their mouths were moving too fast. She went back to her book, bare feet brushing against the floor, which was thrumming gently with the girls' footsteps.
Just when she was getting comfortable, her mind completely absorbed in the novel, a heart-squeezing boom reverberated up through the floorboards, startling her so badly she screamed and dropped the book. She looked up, hands clapped over her own ears—a completely useless gesture—and saw Jaz running to turn down the volume, Anisa rushing to apologize before catching herself and trying to sign it, her fingers stumbling and making her "words" unrecognizable.
Zia ran. Her feet pounded against the stairs, the hollow thuds shaking her legs, and she could almost imagine the accompanying sound. Her door flew open, smashing against the wall of her bedroom, but she didn't care how loud it was because she couldn't hear it either way and it would just be one more thing to add to the list of why her life sucked. Curse Apophis for doing this to her, for turning her deaf, making her useless. She wondered if she had it in her to hate him any more.
A hand grasped her shoulder and she jumped again, whirling around, but it was only Carter, who slowly and deliberately signed, Are you okay?
"I hate all of this," she said quietly—at least, she thought that was what she said. She didn't like talking. Hated using sign language. Better not to talk at all. She wasn't used to having to sound out every syllable without ever hearing it.
Carter's brow furrowed, like he hadn't understood her, and she couldn't help it. She started crying. She broke down and sobbed, letting her eyes burn and her throat ache, because she really couldn't stand this. She did hate this. She hated her life. She hated herself. How could one person have so much hatred inside, like a massive ball of self-destructive fury, and not implode? How could she live like this?
Carter pulled her against him, rubbing her back and whispering empty promises that she couldn't hear.
*#*#*
There's a vulture on my shoulder, and he's telling me to give in
Always hissing right in my ear, like it's coming from my own head
It's got me mixed up, trying not to give up, tell me there's a way to get out of here
Oh fixed at zero…
O-o-O
One last thing: I wanted to say thank you to all of my amazing friends on this site, especially xXxDaughteroftheKingxXx, musiclover99, Eleos, bubble drizzles, bookluva98, FlameTamer16, I'mDifferent-GetOverIt, Dream Out Loud 18, and Twilight Chick 01. You guys have gotten me through so many hard times and I can't thank you enough for always being here with me. Love you all.