After saying goodbye to Emmett's family, we climbed into the jeep and headed back to my place. I smiled to myself as I thought about the last half hour. So much hugging and kissing, and I was included in the melee. I was hugged and kissed and invited back by everyone…except Rose. Although she wasn't hateful or spiteful, she watched me like a hawk.
Then I thought about the odd conversation I'd had with Alice. It was very unsettling, but I felt like I had to heed her advice. Was she clairvoyant?
She had caught me as I was headed toward the door.
"He told you, didn't he? " she asked quietly.
I nodded, looking down at her.
"I'm glad," she said, squeezing my arm. "Any relationship needs to start out without secrets. That's how trust begins to build. Don't keep anything from him, Mara. It may unsettle him at first, but he'll deal with it. Your honesty will pave the way to something neither of you can foresee."
I gaped at her, staring deeply into her guileless eyes. It was as if she knew everything. She just smiled gently and patted my arm.
"Everything is going to be fine," she murmured and, as I watched her walk away, a chill ran through me.
"Are you ready to go, sweetness?" Emmett asked, coming up behind me and taking my hand.
I jumped, startled, and then smiled up at him. As I turned toward the door, I caught Rose staring, a sneer marring her beautiful face. Alice stepped into my line of vision, winked and smiled. With a shiver, I preceded Emmett out the door.
I came back to the present as Emmett pulled into my driveway. We sat there, neither of us saying a word or attempting to get out of the jeep.
Then he looked over at me and took my hand, dropping his gaze to our entwined fingers.
"I'm sorry to have laid all that on you at once, Mara," he said quietly. "But, I didn't want you wondering what was going on with Rose. I want a clean slate with you."
He turned and looked into my eyes. I gazed back before taking a deep breath.
"Then I guess that you'd better come in for a while," I said with a sigh. "So that I can tell you about Brian. Then we'll see if we still want to try this. I want a clean slate, too, Emmett."
He was quiet, then nodded, unbuckling his seat belt, coming around to unfasten mine and helped me down from my seat. He grabbed up my empty bowls and I led him into the house.
"Make yourself comfortable," I said, taking the bowls from him, into the kitchen and placing them on the counter. "I'm just going to change out of these things. It won't take but a few minutes.
I closed the door behind me and walked into the bathroom. As I slid the bathing suit down my body, I realized that I was covered in fine sand. Funny, it hadn't bothered me until now. So I decided on a quick shower to get rid of the itchy substance.
When I finished, I wrapped my hair in a towel and dried off. Dusting myself with my Mesmerize scented body powder, I slipped into a simple lace bra and matching panties. I dropped my favorite purple sleeveless, gauzy dress, over my head. It fell to my feet.
I toweled my hair almost dry and brushed it up onto a high ponytail, secured with a purple ribbon. The sun had kissed my face with freckles across my cheeks and the bridge of my nose, so all I applied was a thin coating of strawberry flavored lip-gloss.
As I slipped out into the living room Emmett stood, his eyes raking over me. I took a shuddering breath, noticing that he had changed into a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a royal blue muscle shirt.
"Uh," he stammered. "I… uh… tried knocking at your bedroom door, but you didn't answer. I was suddenly feeling all the sand and it was becoming quite uncomfortable. Having these clothes in the jeep, I hoped you wouldn't mind if I used the guest bathroom for a quick shower.
He stood there, running his hand over the back of his neck and up through his curls.
I smiled; he was as nervous as I was.
"It's fine," I said. "I had a quick shower, too. That sand can be pretty harsh.
I walked over to the kitchen doorway.
"Would you like something to drink?" I asked. "I have white wine, bottled beer, soda or juice. Or, if you prefer, bottled water.
"A beer would be nice," he replied, sitting down on the couch.
I got his beer and a glass of wine for me and after handing the bottle to him, joined him on the other end of the couch. He took a long pull from his bottle as I sipped at my glass.
I curled my feet under me and leaned back against the arm of the couch. A heavy silence hung in the air and then, sighing deeply, I started talking.
"I met Brian five years ago when Sheri and I began an engagement at a small club in New Orleans. He was a patron of the arts and had stopped in to hear us. I had a few boyfriends before, but nothing like Brian. He was a "golden boy", both in business and looks. He had it all and it became apparent that he wanted me, too. I was over the top in love with him. Sheri and James didn't like or trust him. I should have listened to them, but I didn't
"For two years, I was in a state of euphoric bliss. We were together three times a week; he said he was on the road the rest of the time. Whenever he was gone, he sent me flowers and gifts and cards, telling me how much he loved and missed me. He promised me that, when he was settled somewhere permanently in his job as an oil company rep, we would be married.
"So, when he came home one night, I was ecstatic and I knew he would be, too. We had discussed having children, even down to how many we wanted. When he came in the door, I was right there to meet him, throwing myself into his arms. He was surprised at my greeting. He kissed me and held me tight. That's when I whispered my good news to him. I was pregnant, we were going to have a baby.
"He stiffened and took me by the shoulders and looked down at me. I was confused by the anger I saw on his face. Then he pushed me down onto the couch and snarled that he had thought I was on the pill, and then accused me of trying to trap him. I sat there in shock, unmoving until he shouted at me that I had to get rid of it, he'd pay for it, but I had to abort my baby.
"When he said that, I threw myself at him, hitting him over and over with my fists, sobbing that I'd never do that! He grasped my shoulders, flung me to the floor and, standing over me, pointed his finger at me and told me, in a voice as cold as ice, that I'd better do it and soon. Then he turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
"That's where Sheri and James found me, three hours later, when they came to pick me up for the show that night. Sheri fell to her knees beside me and, tears falling down her face, pulled me up into her arms, rocking me. She kept asking me what Brian had done and crying for James to call 911.
"I told him not to do that, that I was fine. I just needed thirty minutes to get ready for that night's gig. They tried everything to get me to stay in at least for that night. But I was adamant. My music was the only thing I had left; that, Sheri and James and my baby.
"Brian never returned to the apartment and I gave it up, finding a smaller place, with a room for a small nursery. It was around the corner from Sheri and James' place, which eased their minds.
"I threw myself into my music and building the best nursery for my baby that I could. Six weeks after Brian had left; I was shopping at Babies-R-Us, looking for a layette. I turned to ask the sales clerk about the price of a Winnie the Pooh printed comforter when I saw him. He was with a petite black haired woman who was very pregnant. A small boy about three years old was clinging tightly to Brian's hand.
"He looked up and our eyes met. Tears filled mine as I backed away from the shock on his face. At that moment, the boy saw something he wanted and began to whine, calling him daddy.
"I whirled on my heel and hurried from the store, tears streaming down my face, bumping into people as I ran. He was married, and apparently he had been all along. I felt like I was going to be sick and began running for the public restrooms. I didn't quite make it, but luckily found a trash bin against a wall.
"I made it to my car and sat for a long time, resting my head on the steering wheel. That's when total despair over whelmed me. What was I going to do? How was I going to do this? The deeper I sank into that despair, the darker my thoughts became. I made it home and slowly climbed the stairs"
I quieted, as I thought about what came next. I was so ashamed of it and didn't know if I could tell Emmett. But, Alice's words flashed through my mind… "Don't keep anything from him, Mara. It may unsettle him at first, but he'll deal with it."
A handkerchief was tucked into my clenched hands. I wiped my face and realized that it was the same one that he had used earlier; it was still damp from his tears.
I couldn't look at him, not yet, not before I finished.
"Mara, sweetness, you don't have to go on right now," he murmured hoarsely, covering both of my hands with one of his.
"If I don't do this now," I whispered, shaking my head. "I never will. I need to, Emmett. Only Sheri and James know what came next, but I want to wipe my slate clean for you, too."
He squeezed my hands gently. Closing my eyes tightly, I took a deep breath and began again.
"I don't remember going into the bathroom and searching for the bottle of sleeping pills. I don't remember taking the bottle of Jack Daniels from the cupboard and pouring a generous amount into a water glass."
With a gasp and my heart racing, I stood up. Rubbing my temples, I walked over, stopping at the French doors that led out to the back yard. Wrapping my arms tightly around my stomach, I continued, in a quiet monotone, as the tears fell anew.
"I don't remember how many pills I took or how much whisky I washed them down with. I don't remember Sheri finding me and calling for help.
"What I do remember is waking up in a sterile hospital room, Sheri sitting by my side. I remember the tears sliding down the sides of my face and my best friend gathering me up into her tiny arms, holding me tight, and rocking me as she cried with me.
"What I do remember is the feeling of total worthlessness, the feeling of never being good enough or wanted. My own mother hadn't wanted me. I wasn't wanted by any of the foster parents I grew up with. I wasn't wanted by any of the men that I'd been with…not even Brian.
"I asked Sheri why she hadn't just let me die and she got angry with me. She was quiet and I could feel her begin to tremble. She sat up, laid me back against my pillows, and stood with her back to me for a long moment.
"Then she whirled around, her face a red mask of rage, tears streaming down her cheeks. I was shocked at the vehemence behind her words.
"Because I love you, you stupid bitch!"'She continued to rant at me, telling me I was selfish, not thinking of my baby or her or James. That we were the only family that each of us had and for me to be so uncaring of them hurt her like hell.
"She was still ranting when James came into the room, telling her that she could be heard clear down to the nurse's station. She told him what I had said and he looked over her head at me, disapproving, yet loving understanding in his eyes. Taking her hand, he came and sat on the side of my bed. Lifting my hand, too, he began speaking gently, telling me how much he loved his "little sister" and that we could get through anything as long as the three of us were together He pulled me up into his arms and held me as I cried, and reaching out to Sheri, he drew her into a group hug.
"I kept apologizing over and over. Sheri asked what had put me over the edge, and when I told them what had happened and that Brian was married, with a family, James got angry, threatening to kill him. Sheri told him he couldn't because she was gonna tear his balls off and throw them, and him, into the swamp for an alligator's meal.
I stopped and smiled a little at that remembrance.
"The law required that I spend a minimum of six months in therapy for attempted suicide. By the end of that time, I was seven and a half months pregnant. The baby was very active at this point, letting me know that he wanted to come into the world. We were still performing at the club and I spent a lot of stage time I on a high stool.
"The heaviness had lifted a tad as I remembered the good times of my pregnancy. Lying in bed at night, rubbing my belly as I was kicked over and over again. I had thought that maybe I had a future football player in there.
"The baby was very active, constantly in motion when he wasn't asleep. I lost a lot of sleep from it. Then one night the movement was abnormally strong, as if he was thrashing. I got scared and called Sheri. She and James were there in record time and had me at the hospital in minutes. But by the time I was rolled into a cubical in the ER, all movement had stopped.
"Sheri was with me when the fetal monitor registered no heartbeat. I went numb when, after a battery of tests, the doctor sorrowfully told us that my baby was dead. The ultra sound they performed showed that the umbilical chord had wrapped around his neck, in effect, strangling him.
"I was wrapping my mind around it. I had read about this possibility. But, when I was told that, since he was already in the birth canal, I would have to deliver my dead son, I lost it. How could God keep allowing these things to happen to me? I screamed and cried. The knowledge that my child would be already dead when he came into this world, broke me, worse than when I found out about Brian."
I began sobbing, reliving that devastating time, and suddenly I was enveloped in two very strong arms.
"Shhh, sweetness," he whispered brokenly, placing small comforting kisses on the top of my head.
I looked up to find his own tears cascading down his cheeks. Reaching up, I touched them with my fingertips. No one but Sheri and James had ever shed tears for me. Now, this gentle giant was and my heart became hopeful. He started to speak and I covered is lips with my fingers.
"Almost through," I whispered.
Then closing my eyes again, I continued.
"I was given Oxytocin to induce my labor. After seven hours of hard labor, the contraction severity and intensity exacerbated by the drug, my beautiful son was stillborn. They didn't want me to see him, but I insisted. Aside from being blue, he was a perfect seven-pound baby boy. I held him and kissed his smooth cheek before Sheri took him from me and handed him back to the nurse.
"A few hours later, the three of us discussed our options and we decided on cremation. I knew that I would leave Louisiana; I couldn't stay there, not after all that had happened.
After a small memorial service…three days later…we went back to my apartment and I excused myself to go to the bathroom.
"Suddenly, my breath caught in my chest and everything came down on me. Throwing myself on the bed, I began to moan and sob. Immediately, my family was with me, lying on either side of me, their arms holding me tightly, as they sobbed, too.
"A week later, we gave notice to the club, sold all our furniture and household items, packed up the rest and left Louisiana. We were on the road again, heading to who knew where, leaving the pain and sorrow of that place behind.
"Seven months ago we arrived here, finding the gig at The Torch Lounge two weeks later. When we were offered permanent employment, we decided to accept. And here we are.
"I've been happy here, Emmett, able to put the past aside. Like you, I have forgiven, but will never forget." I said my voice cracking.
I slipped out of his arms and walked over to the fireplace mantle and picked up a small urn.
"I don't want to forget the only good thing that almost happened to me." I said, holding up the jar for him to see. "I've locked myself away from people, except for Sheri and James, of course. They have been my rock. Today, with you, was the first time I've been out, and it was wonderful. But if you want to end whatever this is between us, I'll understand. I have a lot of baggage to bring with me"
He walked to me and wrapped his arms around me, staring into my eyes. Leaning down, he placed a soft kiss on my forehead. He touched my cheek and turned and went out the door.
I gasped as my heart stuttered.
I guess that Alice was wrong, after all.
I turned and put the urn carefully back up on the mantle, and slowly turned out the lights and locked the front door. I stumbled to my bedroom. Stripping off my clothes, I left them where they fell on the floor and climbed, naked, into my bed.
Then the tears for Emmett started, because without my realizing it, I had fallen in love with him. My heart was breaking again, the sorrow making me oblivious to everything else.
Suddenly the bed dipped and two massive arms engulfed me; comforting arms.
"Oh, Emmett," I sobbed, throwing my arms around his neck and burying my face against his throat. "I thought you were gone."
"No, babe, I'm here," he murmured soothingly. "I just had to work off some of my anger before I lost it completely. You don't have to worry, I'm not going anywhere."
He pulled me closer as I continued to cry, one hand cupping the back of my head.
Then, gently pulling the ribbon from my hair, he used his fingers to comb it down my back. He held me as my tears slowly subsided, placing soft kisses to the top of my head and continuing to stroke down my hair.
When all that was left were tiny hiccoughs, he pulled away and turned on the small bedside lamp. A soft golden glow shone into the room as the light filtered through the amber colored shade.
He turned back and tried to lift my chin. I resisted, not wanting him to see my tear ravaged face and red puffy eyes.
"No, don't, I must look a sight," I whispered.
He gently forced me to look at him.
"Yes, you do," said tenderly. "You're a beautiful sight for these hungry eyes."
He caressed my cheek, running his thumb under my eye, wiping the remnants of my tears. He looked at me for a moment and then slowly lowered his face to mine, capturing my lips in a soft kiss.
As he pulled back, I cupped his face, my eyes searching his." I want you," I whispered, reaching up and pressing my mouth to his. "Right now."
He stilled and, taking his lips from mine, he looked down at me, his brow furrowing.
"I know, babe, and I want you, too," he said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "But I don't want this to be on the rebound…for either of us."
"Emmett, how can you say that?" I questioned, the hurt and fear filling my voice. "It's been over two years since I left Louisiana and almost three for you."
Oh, God, another rejection?"Oh, no, sweetness," he said softly, pulling me against his chest. "I just meant, because we've just relived the most traumatic time in our lives, that I don't want us to be together trying to ease each others past pain. I want us to be in the here and now when I make love to you; without Rose or Brian hovering in the background."
I lay there, against that solid chest and thought about what he had said.
"I understand what you're saying, Em," I said, pressing my lips against his throat. "But, can you just hold me while I sleep. I know that the nightmares will come. They always do when I relive that time."
"Of course, I will," he said tightening his arms around me.
We lay there quietly for a few minutes before Emmett began to move restlessly.
"What's wrong?" I asked quietly.
"Sorry, sweetness," he replied. "I'm just not used to sleeping so restricted."
"Oh, I'm sorry," I said, pulling away from him."
"Where are you going?" he asked, tightening his arms around me
"You said…" I started.
"Oh, babe," he said, chuckling. "I just meant that I'm not used to wearing clothes to bed. I usually sleep raw."
"Well, don't let me stop you from being comfortable," I said with a giggle. "If you turn out the light, I won't be able to see anything. If you can stand it, so can I."
"I'll have to get under the covers," he said.
"I know that, Emmett," I said with a smile. "I have no problem with it."
He stood to turn out the light and I turned over. The sheet that had separated us, and covered me, slipped, exposing the entire length of my back to him. I heard his soft groan before the light went out and I couldn't help the smile that accompanied a shiver of anticipation.
I heard the rustle of his shirt slipping over his head and his shorts hit the floor with the jingle of keys and change in the pockets. The sheet was lifted and the mattress dipped again as he slid in behind me.
The feel of his warm solid body behind me caused me to shiver…and not from the cold. He placed his arm across my waist and pulled me tight against him, spooning his body around mine. I stiffened, trying to put a little space between my ass and his cock. His hand brushed the underside of my breast and, I groaned. Unable to stop myself, I turned over to face him.
"Please, Emmett," I begged, winding my arms around his neck and pressing my body to his. "I need you to help me banish all of these harsh memories and make new ones, with you. I want to remember you, and only you. Please!"
I captured his mouth with mine, whimpering at the taste of him, sweet spices and honey with the slight hint of the beer he'd drank earlier. For a moment, he held himself stiffly, pulling away from me. Then, with a deep groan, he pressed back against me and returned my kiss passionately.
I slid my knee between his and felt him grow large and hard against my stomach. With a groan of my own, I pushed him onto his back, and lying across his chest, reached over and turned the light back on. I wanted to watch him as I made love to him.
Then I slipped around to lie fully on top of his magnificent body. Sitting up, I straddled his hips and, leaning down, I kissed him again, seeking entrance to his sweet mouth, swiping my eager tongue across his bottom lip. Our tongues began to dance, dueling for dominance.
Eventually leaving his mouth, I ran the tip of my tongue through his delicious dimples, before kissing and licking my way to his ear. I caressed the curvature of it with the tip of my tongue, before biting gently at the lobe. He hissed as I continued across his jaw and down his throat, stopping to suck and nibble at his Adam's apple. When I reached the indentation between his collarbones, I licked and sucked, delighting in the taste of his skin.
I sat up and ran my hands across his chest, stopping to scrape my nails gently across his rock hard nipples, before leaning back down to take one, then the other, into my mouth, sucking greedily.
I sat back up; again, catching his hungry, heavy lidded eyes, as I ran my hands down his stomach, causing his abs to ripple. I bent to swirl my tongue around his navel, dipping the tip inside, before licking and nibbling at each of the muscles of that hard six-pack.
I slid down his thighs. My hand explored and caressed his tantalizing V before grasping his beautiful cock in my hands. I shifted my legs and pressed my body between his. I looked back up at him as I reached my tongue out to capture the pearly drop of precum at the tip of his cock. He closed his eyes and moaned, deep in his chest.
"Oh, God, sweetness," he rasped. "What are you doin' to me… feels so good…Ahh, jeez!"
Slowly I slipped the head between my lips, licking and circling the sensitive ridge. Then I sucked hard, before taking him as deeply into my mouth as I could. When he hit the back of my throat, I swallowed and hummed against him. With one hand grasping his shaft below my mouth, I cupped his scrotum with the other, squeezing lightly. His hips came up off the bed, pushing him deeper into my mouth. I had to work hard not to gag.
I stroked and continued to caress the soft spheres within his sac, as I sucked him harder. I felt his balls begin to tighten and prepared myself for his ejaculation.
"Oh, f*ck, babe," he groaned. "I'm…gonna cum!"He reached down to pull me up, but I just looked at him and sucked even harder.
His eyes widened as he realized what I was going do and he gave into it.
With a shout, he tossed his head back and stiffened, coating my throat with streams of his hot cream. I swallowed every drop, relishing the sweet, spicy, salty and slightly bitter taste of him.
When his spasms ceased, he reached down and pulled me up to him, catching my mouth in a fiery kiss, tasting himself on my tongue. Rolling me onto my back, he leaned on his elbows and gazing down into my eyes, kissed me again.
"That was one awesome memory, babe," he whispered against my mouth. "I think I want to make another one."
Lifting his head, he kissed my eyelids and the tip of my nose, before grazing across my cheek to nibble at the sensitive spot below my ear. With a moan, I lifted and turned my head, giving him easier access to my neck.
It had been so long since a man's lips had been on me; not that some hadn't tried, I just hadn't felt comfortable or ready. This wonderful man had broken through the barriers I had set, with his gentleness and caring.
He came back to my mouth as his hand came up to gently cup my breast. Because I was lying on my back, my breasts had naturally flattened slightly, spreading to the sides.
"God, sweetness," he murmured against my throat. "You don't know how good it feels to be touching something so beautiful and real. I'm so tired of the hard, plastic bodies of Hollywood."
He dipped his head and took a stiff peak into his mouth while his fingers pinched and pulled at the other. With a loud whimper, I arched into him. He repeated the actions in reverse, causing a heady pooling in my core.
He kissed me again, hungrily, his tongue probing and exploring the warm, wet cavern of my mouth. I welcomed the taste of him.
His hand slid down across my stomach to cup the hot wetness of my center. Gently, he slid his middle finger through my folds to dip inside. Then bringing his glistening finger up, he swiped it across my lips before sucking it into his own mouth. He groaned, closing his eyes.
"You are finer than the finest champagne," he whispered. "Like ambrosia for me."
And his lips covered mine, his tongue swiped at my coated lips before plunging into my waiting mouth. My core was flooded anew. Sliding down my body, he left a hot moist trail across my abdomen to my pubic bone. Then settling his massive shoulders between my thighs, he lifted my legs over them. Resting on his elbows, he cupped my ass with both hands and raised me, opening me up to his view and his waiting mouth.
His hot breath wafted over me, as he blew gently, before running his nose up the side of my nether lips, inhaling deeply of my scent. I was writhing, waiting impatiently for the touch of him.
Then he was there, the tip of his tongue probing at my entrance. I gasped, flooding his tongue, causing him to swallow. He groaned, lapping at the liquid flow. Next, his flattened tongue licked upward and his lips closed over my nub of pleasure and sucked, hard. I screamed, arching into his mouth. He continued to pleasure me and inserted two fingers into me at the same time.
"Oh, my God, Emmett…Oh Jesus," I cried, my head thrashing on my pillow, my fingers running through his curls, pressing his mouth tighter to me.
Then the coil that had been tightening in my stomach sprang open, causing my muscles to contract tightly around his thrusting fingers as I arched my back. And I was flying, whirling through space, stars exploding all around me. It seemed to go on forever before I was slowly lowered gently back to the waiting arms of my lover.
I was sobbing as Emmett slid back up beside me. I clung to him, plastering my mouth to his, reveling in the taste of myself on his lips and tongue. Finally, as I began to calm, he looked down into my face, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"Are you okay, my lo…sweetness?" he whispered.
My heart stuttered, as I looked into his eyes and nodded. I knew that it was really too soon for declarations, but I was feeling the same. I reached up, cupped his cheek and pressed my lips to his.
"Yes, baby, I'm fine," I said softly. "More than fine. What a beautiful memory you've given me."
He smiled tenderly down at me. Then reaching back to turn out the light, he pulled the sheet up over us, wrapping me in his warm embrace. He rested his chin on the top of my head and sighed contentedly as I snuggled into him, kissing his chest.
I was a tad disappointed that he hadn't taken me, but I understood why. He still wanted no other memories to cloud our joining. He wanted only he and I, together, without the ghosts.
Then we slept a dreamless, restful sleep.