As the green beans steamed, Lauren checked her watch. 7:00pm.
Roderick would be arriving soon. She tried not to think about what he'd done since she last saw him. She wondered if he wanted to come back to confess something…
She shook her head thinking about it. There were some things she accepted about Roderick and some things she didn't want to know.
Lauren checked the chicken and the potatoes. Everything would be ready in about fifteen minutes. Just enough time.
When she had been with Roderick, he never demanded anything domestic or home cooked. He suggested pizza or take out if he thought about food at all. Roderick was a man who was hungry for other things than food.
Lauren cooked anyways and when she saw Roderick eat her first cooked meal for him like he'd been starving, she realized that's what he needed. Roderick hadn't suggested home cooked meals because he'd almost never had them. His life had always consisted of drive through paper bags or packages of crackers. From the little he told her of his childhood, he'd always been hungry and there had never been enough.
Despite his requests for something "simple and fast," Lauren cooked. She wanted to give him something he'd been missing. When he requested something simple, he hadn't known what he really meant. The simple act of cooking him dinner, just for him, making an effort for him, was the turning point in his devotion to her.
He couldn't explain what feelings he had for her but he suspected they could have been something like affection, what he heard about it. He knew he was incapable of it but this may have been close.
Roderick knew that what she'd done for him couldn't be taken. Almost like he owed Joe, he owed Lauren for giving him something he'd been missing.
Lauren added more rosemary to the potatoes, sliding them around the pan.
She heard the sound of a car coming down the lane fast, too fast. Roderick was mad.
Lauren sighed. This hadn't been the first time he'd arrived furious.
The cruiser slid to a stop amid a cloud of dust that settled over her kitchen window. She could see a paper grocery sack in the front seat but Roderick didn't reach for it when he got it, slamming the door.
He barged his way up her front steps, throwing the door open, and storming through her hallway, not even looking at her, but entering the living room, pacing.
Lauren knew to leave him alone when he was like this. She dried off her hands with the kitchen towel, setting it on the counter. She made no move towards him but walked out the front door and down the steps.
She opened the cruiser's passenger door and took out the grocery bag. Inside, she could see that Roderick had bought beer, strawberries, and flowers.
She laughed to herself. He had never brought her flowers before. She wondered what his reasoning would be.
Inside, Roderick was still pacing, his hands in his hair, disheveled and furious.
Joe had played him. He had used him. "You know you can't trust him…"
Claire's words were like a razor blade. He had trusted Joe… for years he had trusted him, he had given him everything. Everything he had, he gave to Joe- his identity even.
Joe had used him.
There was no great act, no reason for all of this. All he wanted was Claire and Joey… and he'd used him.
All his work, all of his time, his devotion, his life, what he'd created… it was for nothing. Joe had betrayed him.
Roderick was in a rage. He paced furiously.
Lauren paid him no mind and brought the grocery bag into the kitchen, unpacking it quietly. She learned to be quieter than a mouse when Roderick was angry.
She cleaned the strawberries in a colander and set the flowers in a small vase, trimming the ends. She set them on the windowsill. She wouldn't say anything about them until Roderick brought it up.
Finally, she heard him drop his weight onto her couch. She peeked into the living room and saw him on the couch, elbows on his knees, head in his hands.
Lauren took out a cold beer bottle and took off the cap with a bottle opener. The glass was cold in her hand, already starting to sweat, as she took it to the living room and set it down on the coffee table in front of Roderick.
When she was back in the kitchen, she took the potatoes, green beans, and chicken off of the stove and onto a trivet. She heard Roderick take a large sip from his beer and set it down again. She suspected his head was back in his hands, working out whatever was ailing him.
But he wasn't. He had turned his head and was watching her in the kitchen, her back to him.
His whole world, his whole existence, belonged to Joe… but Lauren was outside Joe's grasp. Roderick had kept her for himself… True, he would have loved for her to join him at the manor and be devoted to Joe at the beginning, but now he found himself thankful that she hadn't… that she was still the same… still safe. She was another world to him; somewhere outside his department and the following. Somewhere safe.
With her, he wasn't Roderick: Joe's second in command and he wasn't Sheriff Nelson… He was someone in between…. he was something more of himself… the true man between both roles.
When he had first met Lauren, he'd introduced himself as Sheriff Nelson, as Tim; but as she learned more, as she accepted more, he became Roderick, and he preferred that name on her lips.
Even still… she understood him. Lauren had always been able to decipher his moods and ulterior motives.
He slowly smiled. She knew to bring him a beer and then to leave… she understood that he didn't want to talk. For a split second, he did. He wanted to tell her everything… but he couldn't. She didn't deserve that. She deserved to stay on the outside, where he wanted her.
Quietly, he got off of the couch as she made their plates, the smell already making his stomach rumble. He had missed someone caring for him, looking out for him and just him.
Coming behind her, she felt him approach. She still didn't look at him; she always waited for him to make the first move when he had been upset.
Gently, he placed his chin down on her shoulder, ear against hers, smelling her and the dinner she'd made for him.
"It looks amazing," Roderick said softly.
He felt her cheeks move as she smiled. "It's ready."
Roderick stepped back from her as she held a plate in either hand. He glanced back towards the kitchen table. It had already been set.
He looked back at her; she was waiting for him to move so she could go set the plates down. Taking a deep breath, he leaned down and kissed her.
"Need me to get anything?" he asked, his brow furrowed.
Lauren shook her head. "Nope. Everything's on the table."
Roderick moved from her path. As she set the plates down, he opened the fridge and took out a beer for her, uncapping it, and bringing it to her.
He handed it to her over the table and she adjusted the salt and pepper. She hadn't expected it and her face flushed.
"Thank you," she grinned, taking it from him. He was still in a somber mood.
Roderick always let her sit down first before he did. He was raised with such manners that she wondered if he thought it rude or distasteful to kill someone before telling them.
He bowed his head for a moment and she knew he wasn't praying; he was thinking. Any other woman would have nagged him and demanded to know what was bothering him. Lauren didn't. He was relieved.
"I haven't had a home cooked meal in a long time," he said finally, looking up, brightness back in his eyes.
Lauren nodded. "It's been a few months, hasn't it?"
Roderick smirked. "It's just been pizza and Chinese for me."
Lauren laughed. "You couldn't find a decent girl to make you dinner?"
He shook his head, cutting into his chicken. "No, ma'am… Just you."
She wasn't looking when he said it, her eyes had been on her plate and they stayed there. Roderick took the moment to admire her, her scar drawing his eyes.
So much had happened since he left… so much changed. But she was still here… and her scar had healed from the bloody mess it'd been when he left… he'd been a mess when he left, but she was still connected, still together. She was a rock, the constant in his changing world between sheriff and following. But now she seemed so far away.
When she looked up, she saw regret his eyes but she didn't want the conversation that would follow.
Lauren didn't say anything and Roderick took a big gulp of his beer. It was almost gone.
Roderick was hoping it would make him lose his edge, the one that kept everything bottled up. He was hoping it would make it easier for him to say what he needed to. He was hoping it would make it easier for her to hear it.