"Thank you for making dinner," Roderick finally said as they sat on the couch, the plates and dishes stacked in the sink, open bottles of beer on the coffee table in front of them.
Lauren smiled. "You know it's not a big deal."
He sat uncomfortably straight, like he was holding his breath. His arms were crossed over his chest. He used to be so relaxed here but not now. There was too much on his mind.
Lauren sat facing him, her legs folder under her body, her back leaning against the arm of the couch. He hated that she was always relaxed.
"I'm not going to ask you what's wrong so if you want to say it, you'd better get on with it," she stated, leaning her chin onto her hand.
Roderick smirked, still not looking at her. Damn, she hasn't changed a bit.
"You're awfully pushy tonight, Lauren," he countered with a grin.
She rolled her eyes, shifting her weight.
Roderick exhaled loudly, leaned forward, and put his chin in his hands.
"I was with a woman recently… she was nothing like you…" he started, not looking at her, "She was cold, calculating… diabolical… She was too much like me… She was how I am… but she wanted to impress me, to make me know what she was capable of and she was… ruthless. She was empty."
Roderick cast a glance at her. If she was thinking something, it didn't show on her face.
"You being pushy is nothing. Louise would have beat it out of me," he laughed.
"You're a hard man to please, Roderick," Lauren smiled, brushing a piece of hair out of her eyes.
"You never had difficulty pleasing me," he said quickly in a low voice. It made Lauren blush.
"I didn't mean it like that," he added, chuckling.
Lauren smirked. "I know what you meant."
"I was quite pleased. As close to happy as I think I could get. You made me a very satisfied man," Roderick said with a small smile, thinking back.
He looked over at her and her face showed that she was thinking about the same times as he was. She could remember their time together.
"I still think you feel happy sometimes," Lauren countered, an argument she'd defended many times.
Roderick shook his head. "Happy? No."
Lauren straightened.
"When you… you know," she didn't want to say kill people, "I'm sure you feel some kind of happiness."
Roderick thought about it. "Not happiness… satisfaction… fulfillment… accomplishment. The same feeling you get after finishing a run… the same feeling I get when I look at you and your scar."
Lauren met his eyes and he was actually looking at her, not her scar like she'd expected.
"But you still said that wasn't enough for you…" she said, remembering the last day he was with her, "That's what you said."
Roderick stared at her, not backing down. "Do you remember what you said? You said, 'well, we're all fucked up,' like it was no big deal."
She shrugged. "What's there to say? Be mad that he fucked you up?"
Roderick laughed. "You think my dad fucked me up and took away my ability to be happy by dying in the Gulf War? You think that's why I'm the way I am?"
Lauren frowned. "No one took away your ability, you still have that… they just gave you a lot more of something else… and I wasn't talking about your dad."
Roderick quieted, his spine stiffening.
"I was talking about Joe Carroll."