They'd driven back to Havenport that night. Or morning. Lauren wasn't sure of the time but it'd barely been an hour between the range and everyone piling into pick up trucks and SUVs to make the drive.
Apparently that had been enough time to call upon the hundred or so militia members. Lauren had barely heard the plan that Nathan had given them before she fell asleep in the truck. He was reminding them to take separate routes to Havenport; he wouldn't take the chance of being ambushed if the followers or Joe Carroll knew that they were coming.
Lauren woke a few times on the drive. Her head was in Roderick's lap while Nathan rode shotgun and Caleb drove. She tried to listen to what they were saying but she was just too tired to focus. Each time, she was vaguely aware that Roderick's fingers were in her hair, feeling the ends absentmindedly, pulling her back down to sleep. She remembered thinking that he'd never done that and it felt so strangely affectionate- a feeling she almost never got from him.
Caleb and Nathan went over plans and brought up multiple exit strategies, how they would take hold of the manor.
Roderick sometimes chimed in to Caleb and Nathan's conversation, but other times sat in silence, thinking.
He thought about technicalities, about how they would surround and flank the manor; about what they would do if they found Joe still there. He thought about how he would kill him or if he would let Nathan do it.
Roderick thought about what he would do after it was all over. Could he continue as Sheriff? Or would he go somewhere new and start over. That probably was his only option. He couldn't risk followers staying in Havenport and he was sure he wouldn't be able to slide through the whole mess without being identified. That FBI agent in the police station had already targeted him and knew who he was.
Lauren shifted in his lap, nuzzling her head and getting more comfortable. His thoughts wandered to her.
What would Lauren think of all this after it was over? He knew almost for a fact that if it was truly over, he would never see her again, he'd make sure of it. If he went somewhere new and started over, he would never contact her, never speak to her again. He wouldn't like it, but it would be necessary. No sort of life he remade would run parallel to hers again.
He thought about what she would do after this…
Roderick looked down at her and regretted involving her in all of this. If it was over, however, she would be free of it. He wondered if she would question his sudden disappearance or if she would dismiss it, knowing fully well it would happen. She knew from the last time that Roderick wasn't a man to stick around.
She would probably carry on with her life and meet someone wonderful; someone better than him, someone normal who would care for her. Someone who would make her breakfast and would always stay in love with her, who wouldn't question her when she said she got her scar from a childhood accident.
He imagined that one day, she'd marry this man. They would be happy and they would buy a home together. Roderick wondered if he'd ever bump into her on the street and see her pregnant and happy, her scar all but forgotten.
He wondered if he'd feel satisfaction in seeing her happy with a new, normal life that he couldn't give her… or if he'd feel jealous and full of regret to see her carrying another man's child.
He didn't want children, honestly. He would never take the risk that they'd be anything like him or that he'd be able to get by without killing them. No, he would never intentionally kill a child, but his lack of empathy and knowledge of children would not result well. He would never be a good father.
Truthfully, he would never be a good anything for Lauren. Not a good man for her, especially not a good husband or father to any child.
She's good enough to make up for it, he considered but shook that thought from his head. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than him.
But the thought of Lauren with another man, creating a family together, filled him with jealousy.
Nathan looked back from the front seat, glancing down at Lauren to make sure she was still resting.
Roderick's jealous thoughts caught Nathan inside them. If Roderick disappeared after all of this was over, Nathan would probably stay to look after Lauren. He would guide her into finding a new job and may suggest that Lauren move to Kentucky…. He would help her find a new home and he would check in on her to make sure that she's doing okay. He would be the type of man that Lauren would marry one day.
Roderick swallowed hard. Nathan was already trying to protect Lauren and had come between them ever since they'd come to Kentucky. Nathan had already known that Roderick was no good for her.
Although Roderick hated it, Nathan was right. He really was no good for her. And coming back to his previous thoughts, he reimagined Nathan as the man Lauren would be with. His mind brushed through scenes of the two of them laughing together, cooking dinner together, tucking their first child into bed. He wondered what a baby from the two of them would look like. He could imagine Lauren holding their son, smiling and happy. She would be an excellent mother.
Roderick stroked her hair slowly, sighing. He would let her live that happy life. He owed her that much.
He touched her scar. He would make this easy for her. She wouldn't have to choose, she wouldn't have to torment with what to do. He would make the choice and do this for her. After all of this, she would only have that scar to remember him by and the only proof that he was ever with her.