Chapter 5
We both wake up from the nap. It startles me a bit-but it's Beck. We are friends after all right? Or could we possibly be more? I am not ready for that. And I know Beck's not ready for anything like that. If he was ready it may even terrify me more.
"Hey Tori, you okay?" he asks through worried eyes. "Yes I am fine that was pretty intense though. Not too bad or anything but in case you want to know you are an amazing kisser." What am I saying? Ugghh I am flirting with Beck! Why is my heart pounding again like a judge's hammer? "Oh really? Wow now that that's out of our systems maybe it will be easier for us to practice for the play." "Or harder!" I say trying to sound confident and wanting to give him a laugh all at once.
"Well sooner or later we will have to face Monday morning. And none of our peers have to know that you moved in my trailer. That would make life hell for you if I am correct." He has somehow ruined my moment- the reality that Andre still has that dreaded tape haunts me. If he shares that with Playboy or any Hollywood company I am fucked. Somehow this reminder that I am a slut brings reality back to my life like the snap of a rubber band. I almost had sex with Andre on Friday night and now I am making out with Beck and am moving in with him the next day.
Oh no it's happening again-I am over thinking-I am questioning once that happens my happiness will fall to an end. Always happens aren't I so lucky? Beck just looks at me he can tell that I am rethinking my life over. That I am analyzing everything… every decision I have made up to this point. Man being broken sucks; normal and perfect are what girls like me strive for. And if we cannot have that perfect life we put our masks on. So the worlds believes we are perfect-even though we aren't we are fragile as glass-as torn as paper. Girls like us always seem to find one another and our brokenness seems to heal for awhile because we have found each other. I can't stand it-to be so flawed in this young woman's body. It really sucks… I feel powerless...alone. All because the questioning has begun. When I question my actions- the woman I want to be fades away into a blur.
"Tori are you okay?" "No I am not I cannot face the reality that Andre and I almost had sex and that we made out. God I am a whore-but being with you feels so right…God!" "Awww Tori! What do you like about me Tori? I am nothing special, if I was special Jade would have stayed with me, if I was special my parents wouldn't have kicked me out. I am just the guy who took you in that's all! I told you how fucked up I am…" "No Beck-you're perfect! You're safe! The world is cruel-out there sucks. But in here where it's you and I. Its safe-no judgment! Only understanding-and friendship!"
Beck thought for a minute and looked at me with those eyes- the ones I swear I am going to fall in love with soon… and said, "Tori, I like you without that mask on. You're a wonderful girl-Andre's out of his mind to let you get away." "What does that mean, Beck?" I ask I am so confused. "You are unique and are an attractive woman…But we are keeping this plutonic remember? But we can make out if you want…" "Beck I…" He doesn't even ask me-he just grabs me and puts his tongue against mine again. I guess we are kissing friends-we both need the physical release.
My heart flutters and jumps into orbit. I am spinning around when I am with him. I don't understand this feeling...but it wants him. It's when I realize I was never in love with Andre. I never felt this alive inside; as a wild flower blooming rapidly. Only with Beck do I feel this way. I now see if I fall for Beck it would be hard and fast. DAMN!
"Tori are you okay… You're just staring at me." He's right of course…I am… Damn! "I'm safe with you right Beck?" I ask. "Come here Tori I will let you in on a secret. When I said I'd protect you I meant it. I won't hurt you on purpose. If you cry its fine, if you're happy it's fine." He means it as always, Mr. Perfect. "Beck you're going to make being 'just friends' hard for me aren't you?" "No what do you mean?" "Well, fine you're attractive…I mean ah damn I am attracted to you!" I blush. "I know-same here! That's why we make out remember? No one gets hurt? It's safe that way!" He has a point if we acknowledge the attraction early on, then we never have to go beyond kissing-even though I want to. "Thanks Beck," I say. Then I decide I want to make out with him some more and he decides to kiss me back.
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