Chapter 2- Grief and anger

Kim's death left me absolutely devastated and I barely remember the hours that followed. But after just three days of sitting by my son's incubator, Kelso called me in for work. He hadn't told anyone about Kim, said it was my job and none of his business anyway, but I wished he had…. I couldn't even tell her mother myself so there was very little hope of me being able to tell anyone else. Yet as I soon found out, no one would even give me the chance to say a word.

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Tuesday 18th March 8.02 am

Over the last couple of days JD had felt nothing but plain numbness, he barely ate anything and was just constantly sitting by his son's side, willing him to pull through. The doctors at St. Mary's still held very little hope that he would make it to the end of the week though as his condition was continuously worsening.

The young baby had also suffered several cardiac arrests in which he was only just able to come back from. It seemed that each time his little heart stopped it took longer and longer to start up again, in fact the one which happened just four hours ago, JD honestly thought he wouldn't come back from.

As he stepped out into the car park of sacred heart, JD felt a wave of emotions hit him as he realised that not only did he have to leave his son, but he had to go into a building where everyone expected him to be the happiest man on earth. He honestly didn't know how he could make it through the day, especially if everyone started asking about Kim, as they had been doing previously.

To be perfectly honest the only reason he hadn't told Kelso to stick his job where the sun doesn't shine was because of a point the devil made him self…. His son's medical care was going to be very expensive and he needed the money.

Seeing a blonde woman with short hair, JD's face instantly lit up as he ran towards her before she could enter the hospital. Hearing the approaching foot steps the girl turned around and just for a moment the attending could have sworn he saw Kim's face, but that soon melted away into a very confused nineteen year old. Shaking her head she looked at him like he was crazy before heading into the foyer.

Forcing the tears which were threatening to fall as his heart once again had to suffer the realisation that she wasn't coming back, JD swallowed the lump in his throat and forced himself to walk up to the entrance.

Yet as hard as he tried he couldn't bring himself to actually walk through those big double doors and enter the building.

He almost felt that if he did, he would be moving on with his life and betraying Kim by taking on the motion that life goes on. He briefly heard people saying excuse me, whilst others pushed past him as he blocked the doorway, but other than that he completely zoned out, looking very much like he did when he was having a day dream.

Unfortunately he was far from daydreaming, for if he were he was sure he would see his Kim standing in front of him, very much alive and cradling her new born son, she never even had the chance to see.

He didn't know how long he just stood there for, as everything became a blur to his eyes, his mind focusing on the pain filled, terrified expression on his girlfriend's face as she was wheeled though doors identical to the ones he stood beside.

He kept trying to tell his feet to move, but they simply would not listen and a part of him didn't want them too either. He just wanted to go home, to collapse on the sofa and pretend that everything was okay, that he wasn't on the verge of loosing the two people he loved most.

He wanted to hear Kim's laugh again, to see her face like it was when she was told their baby was a boy, to see her smile and even to feel her skin pressed up against his. He wanted to smell the strawberry goodness which was her hair, but as he took a large intake of air, only to smell the polluted city, he had to squeeze his eyes shut to convince his brain not to release the tears. He couldn't cry at work, he wouldn't, it would only give certain people more ammunition against him and he was in no state to just brush it of like he usually did.

"NANCY!" A voice yelled out, causing the brunet to jump and snap out of his trance as he glanced up to see the angry face of Dr Percival Cox. He was a mere few inches from him, growling through enflamed nostrils as he stared down at the man-child, the doctor he was said to despise the most.

"You have been standing here for at least half an hour, snap out of what ever little fantasy your having and go and get to w-o-r-k."

When JD made no attempt to move, Dr Cox roughly grabbed him by the top of his neck and pulled him into the hospital before shoving him so hard he almost fell over, towards the changing rooms.

"Get going, I have been covering your ass for the last three days. Do you know by just skipping coming here the way you did, I have had to do both of our jobs then go back to a screaming baby. I am so n-hot in the mood for you today so I suggest you stay out of my way." He growled, ignoring the hurt look on the kid's face completely.

JD wanted to yell out right there and then that he would do anything to hear his baby cry, but instead he swallowed his tongue, fought back the tears, nodded and walked off, determined he wouldn't loose it completely, at least not the hospital of all places.

Dr. Cox shook his head slightly at that, wondering when on earth his little punching bag was ever going to grow a back bone. He had to admit the hurt look had confused him somewhat, seeing as his insults never usually had that affect, but he quickly pushed those thoughts away. It wasn't his job to worry what the man's newest crisis was. He was paid to treat people, not to be a counsellor to someone like JD who did nothing but annoy him.

Still he couldn't help but think as he watched Newbie, painfully drag himself into the changing rooms, just why the man looked so pale and held the tell tale signs of someone who had been crying- a lot.

Shaking his head Dr. Cox simply turned on his heels and headed towards the nurse's station, deciding that whatever it was, he was bound to hear about it from the whining girl sooner or later.

After signing at least a dozen pieces of paper and yelling at some very incompetent interns, Dr. Cox found himself glancing down at his watch, counting the minutes that went by. He had the perfect speech on just why JD was such a girl prepared for when the man eventually came into the corridor and couldn't wait to belittle him in front of everyone.

When the attending finally did walk out, Dr Cox put on his best grin and turned around to face him, all fired up to make one of the best speeches of his life. His grin instantly vanished however as he caught sight of newbie's appearance, he had huge bags under his eyes, his hair was almost flat… and he had his scrub top on backwards…

As his expression turned to one of confusion, he didn't even get the chance to say anything as Bob Kelso charged passed him.

For a second it looked like the sixty four year old was going to blow a gasket at JD for being so late for work, as his lips became nothing but a thin line on his wrinkled old face. Then, surprising everyone, he simply shook his head from side to side and closed his eyes before speaking, his anger obviously melting away.

"Son, your top's on backwards." He said, before stalking off down the corridor, causing every single person currently in the ward mouths' to drop to the floor.

"Okay then Joanna, please share with the class exactly why Kelso, the man bred from pure evil, let one of the worst attending's we have ever had at this hell hole, get away with being forty minutes late for work! I mean good God newbie, what did you walk in on him doing?" Dr. Cox called out as soon as the chief had disappeared, his arms folded around his charts as he tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for a reply.

JD merely shrugged uncaringly in response as he felt the familiar stinging sensation in his eyes. Without saying a word to the man who was supposed to be his mentor, he reached over and grabbed his charts from the work top and left, leaving a corridor full of suspicious people in his wake.

Dr Cox simply blinked as he watched the man who always had a spring in his step stalk dejectedly away, before he placed his hands on top of his head and took deep calming breathes.

"What's the matter with him?" Shirley, one of the new nurses, asked after a moment of complete silence. Dr Cox glanced in the woman's direction for a moment or two, contemplating an answer, before shaking his head and heading off in a different direction, muttering who cares under his breath.

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Two hours later and JD was still drifting around the hospital looking like a little lost soul as he went from patient to patient, not stopping to talk to anyone.

Word had spread about what had happened that morning and by now the whole hospital were talking about him and of course Kelso. Todd had even asked him if they were being gay together, a statement which was immediately ignored. Looking back JD wasn't so sure that was the best move however, as now people were seriously speculating about whether he did bat for the over side.

Realising he needed some history on a pancreatic cancer case, JD reluctantly headed over to the nurses station, where Carla and Shirley sat playing with seven month old Izzy.

"Carla… Can you get me Mr. Thomson's file?" He asked quietly, afraid his own voice would betray him as it went completely flat, not that Carla seemed to notice as she continued making faces at her daughter.

"Get it yourself," she replied in a high pitched voice as she pointed behind her, before turning her attention back to Izzy who had started laughing at the two people in front of her.

Looking slightly annoyed JD reached over and grabbed a random file, not really caring anymore whose it was. Instead of walking away however, he stood there watching as Isabella did the normal things children of that age did. As she let out another laugh, JD's heart tightened as he felt the lump in his throat return.

If Sam did pull though, there was a very strong possibility he could have some brain damage from when he was deprived of oxygen when his heart stopped beating. Meaning that he may never have a moment like the one his friend was having now, he would probably never hear his child utter a single sound, even something as simple as a laugh.

Rubbing his tired eyes, JD instantly spun around and walked around the corner, before leaning against the wall of the empty corridor and banging his head against the plasterboard. As the tears began to slowly fall down his face, he tried desperately to get his spiralling emotions under control. No one could see him like this; he had to be strong for he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it if word got out.

He knew what people like Dr. Cox would say without even thinking about it. He would tear him apart, calling him every girls name in history for being such a weak human being and not noticing the tell tale signs that something was wrong. The love of his life had slowly been dying for the last seven months and he hadn't a clue. Every time he saw her struggling to breath and she said she'd been running, he believed her. Every time she looked like she was about to pass out, or she winced in pain, he had believed that every thing was fine, that it was just normal pregnancy stuff, when deep down she was sacrificing her life for her baby.

"Dr. Dorian?" A familiar voice called out, interrupting JD's thoughts. Closing his eyes and praying they weren't as red as they felt, he took a deep breath as one of his interns appeared beside him. Blinking at an unusual speed to try and dry his eyes, the attending slowly turned around to face the ginger haired twenty something year old.

"What?" he growled, his voice sounding dangerously lower than he meant it to, almost identical to Dr. Cox's when he was seriously pissed.

"My patient Mrs. James just died, she was six months pregnant and Dr Cox wants me to break the news to her husband…" Gary said quickly, looking at his toes, completely oblivious to the frustration in his boss' voice.

"So?" JD hissed, as he suddenly felt like he was going to be violently sick.

"Umm well since I'm rather new at this, I was wondering if you could do it for me…" He continued, his voice trailing off as he took in the look of pure horror and anger that had appeared on JD's face.

"Excuse me…" He gasped as his face turned an unnatural colour of red and his breathing became completely erratic.

"I just don't want to be the one to give that kind of news…It's a sensitive issue and I don't have any experience.." Gary replied, before taking a step back, wondering what on earth he had said to provoke this kind of reaction, interns asked their attending to break the news of people's deaths all the time, he just couldn't understand what on earth his problem was.

"Listen to me you whinny little intern, you are the one who wanted to be a god damn doctor so why don't you suck it up and for once do your worthless little job! Because I will tell you something Gary, if you and your annoying voice are not out of my sight in the next thirty seconds I will make sure you end up working in a morgue!" JD yelled, his voice cracking as fresh tears flew down his face. Luckily for him he was so red from anger, that Gary never even noticed as his eyes grew huge and he charged off down the corridor. He was so shaken he didn't even apologise as he brushed passed Dr. Cox who was standing near the stairway.

Once he was sure Gary was gone, JD sank back against the wall and rubbed fiercely at his eyes, trying to stop the tears as he fought the urge to throw up. That was far, far too close of a case for comfort and he was sure if he didn't calm down soon, he wasn't going to keep the little food he had in his stomach down.

As he soon returned to his previous task of banging his head against a wall, he instantly felt worse as what he had said to the intern sunk in. It wasn't Gary's fault, he didn't have a clue what was going on, or the fact the JD was in the same position as that man, with the only difference being his son was still fighting for life.

He didn't even want to think about what would happen if he didn't pull though, for honest to god he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. Squeezing his eyes shut, JD began increasingly banging his head faster and faster against the solid wall, pushing it harder and harder backwards as the guilt of what he had just done and the pain over Kim's death flooded though him.

Down at one of the new private patient's rooms, Dr Cox remained rooted to the spot, just staring as the boy he had seen so much potential in, he seemed almost pitiful as the tears flew freely down his face. Dr Cox had seen a lot of things from JD over the years, including him making some of the stupidest mistakes in history, but never had he actually seen him cry.

The little speech the man gave him surprised the attending the most, JD was always trying to be everyone's friend, including the people who worked below him, so seeing the man screaming at someone for absolutely nothing didn't make sense to the forty five year old, it just wasn't him. Of all the things that newbie was, he certainly wasn't THAT guy.

For a second the older man considered going over to the cry baby and telling him to stop making such a scene and maybe take a short break as he was obviously having some sort of break down. However, instead he turned on his heels and walked away, saying to himself over and over again that he really couldn't care less.

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Luckily for JD there was one person who actually did, and despite how annoyed he got from his constant problems, he was hardly going to ignore the guy who could end up in theatre if things continued the way things were.

"Dude I really don't fancy re building your skull!" Turk yelled out as he approached the man, concern written all over his face. JD slowly opened his eyes as he heard the voice of his chocolate bear and stopped what he was doing almost reluctantly. Yet he didn't say a thing as he continued to use the wall as a support frame.

"Seriously are you okay? You look terrible!" Turk continued as he looked the man up and down and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

For a moment JD contemplated screaming at the surgeon to get the hell away from him as he felt an uncomfortable urge to lash out. He wanted to yell that no he wasn't okay, that he would never be okay again; he wanted to hit him square in the face for ever having the nerve to ask that question.

He didn't however, instead he simply nodded, keeping his eyes firmly locked on the floor, afraid if he made even the slightest movement he would loose what little control over his actions he currently had left.

Turk just looked at him questionably as he glanced up and down the corridor, wondering what on earth had gotten into his usually bubbly pal. Half the time you couldn't shut the attending up, so to see him slumped against a wall refusing to talk, well it just didn't seem at all natural.

"You sure?" Turk asked as he tilted his head so he was able to look JD directly in the eyes. The only response he got though was the grieving father turning his head to the side, refusing point blank to meet his gaze. "Okay well, since we haven't hung in a while do you fancy torturing good old hooch? I feel like goofing around and getting away from my fatherly responsibilities for a while…Give it a few weeks after your kid's born and you'll feel the same way."

JD didn't respond, at least not straight away, it almost seemed like he hadn't heard the black doctor at all. Then ever so slowly, he turned to face him, his expression completely void of any emotions. His insides were literally on fire as the words that Turk had said settled in his mind. How dare he? How dare he want to get away from his beautiful daughter and insinuate JD would want to do the same when he was praying his small child would survive the night.

"I very much doubt that." He said quietly, his fists clenched together as he tried to keep his growing temper in check.

"You might think that now dude, but as soon as he starts screaming at four o clock in the morning, you'll want to get away." Turk replied with a roll of his eyes, like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"I won't… Right now I'd do anything to hear him cry..." JD continued blinking back the tears as his anger melted away, only to be placed by a crippling fear that, that would never happen.

"Well give it a few months and I'm sure you will be able to hear it 24/7 just you wait till the first night back from the hospital." Turk said with a shudder, remembering the night all to well, he had to get up for work at five and Izzy had still been screaming when he had left. When JD cringed and squeezed his eyes shut, Turk gave him a questioning look before shaking his head and glancing down at his pager as it began to vibrate.

"Actually Turk, I don't think I will…" He responded dejectedly, squeezing his eyes even tighter together and running his hands though his hair as the image of his son, lying in an incubator, shock pads attached to his tiny chest, ran though his mind.

"Why? Not planning on leaving Kim are you?"

"What? No I… I would never… I love her…loved her..." JD stammered, the tears filling his eyes once more, this time however he wasn't able to keep them at bay as they ran freely down his face.

Turk's face instantly flashed with something near enough completely unreadable, before he shook his own head and raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

"Loved… as in past tense?" He replied as he looked at his friend since college with nothing but suspicion in his eyes. As JD reluctantly nodded before diverting his gaze to the floor, Turk let out a sigh before continuing. "You know what dude; you really need to get over your commit-a-phobia."

With that the black doctor spun around and stalked of down the corridor muttering something under his breath. JD sagged against the wall as he watched the surgeon leave, a pain erupting in his chest as he realised Turk really didn't care less about him anymore.

Hearing his own pager go off, JD forced himself into a standing position and headed towards the staircase, knowing that no matter what was going through his head he still had a job to do.

(A/N) Thanks to everyone for the wonderful reviews and I hope you like the chapter. Also thanks to WanderingPirate for bettering this!