Content warning for this one, guys. Here be sad smut. As ever I love hearing your thoughts. This takes place during their infamous shore leave between ME1 and ME2.

He is woken from sleep by her violent jerk. She's panting, gasping brokenly for breath and she almost throws herself off the side bed. She's wrapped, tangled in the covers like a fish caught in a net. He is rapidly on alert and has to lean over to catch her around the middle, saving her from sprawling ungainly on the hard floor. Gently he untangles the blankets from around her. In the moonlight her eyes are washed grey, wild and panicked. She has no idea where she is.

"Hey, hey. It's ok. I'm here, shh." He soothes quietly. She almost looks frightened enough to punch him, her fear is primal.

"Kaidan?" She is uncharacteristically quiet and uncertain as she comes back to lucidity.

"Yeah. Bad dreams?"

"The Beacon. A-Ash…" She sighs deeply. "-and old things." She doesn't sound like herself; her voice is all scratchy and hoarse. Like she's been screaming for hours in her nightmares. Kaidan wishes he could have woken up earlier and saved her from them.

Shepard turns to him, studying his face. Her eyes are still wide and fearful.

Suddenly, she's leaning forward and is kissing him insistently, her mouth wet and hot on his. They've made love many times since coming to this planet, marked each other as their own but not like this. This isn't like her. Kaidan grabs her arm heading down to his boxers.

"Hey, you sure we should be doing this?"

She's quiet for a moment; her hand tracing his palm, the one holds her poised to touch him.

Then she speaks, so softly he almost doesn't hear, a tiny whisper. "I need you. Please."

She's kissing him again, sliding her N7 singlet off at the same time. She grasps one of his hands to direct it over her breasts. To Kaidan it seems too large and rough for her soft skin.

She's climbing on top of him; the moonlight bathes her in mysterious shadows - just the outline of a soft curve, a glint of silver light on her hair.

She grinds herself against the muscle of his thigh, finding some sort of restrained pleasure. Her head is thrown back, strands of hair wild and in her face.

Kaidan's hands ghost over her: traces her belly, her thighs, touches gently at the hollow of her neck. He's worried but he knows she won't accept anything else right now. His words are clumsy and inadequate. They won't make horror and nightmares go away.

Shepard divests him of his boxers, stroking him into hardness. Her hand is shaky.

"Shepard?"

"It's ok. I-I just n-need this."

She shimmies off her underwear, her center wet against his leg. His breathing quickens and hers was never easy to begin with. The quiet night is filled with the sounds of them.

She lowers onto him, impaling herself slowly. Kaidan holds her waist, steadying her. She's not ready enough, and he sees Shepard wince slightly.

"We can stop, Shepard."

"No! It's fine."

She begins to ride him, her pace tortuously slow and terribly gentle. Kaidan traces her body with his eyes and hands, over and over, and gradually she relaxes and opens to him.

His fingers ghost down to just above where they are joined, finding her small pearl to stroke. She groans and grabs one of his palms to bring to her mouth; she uses it to muffle her sounds of pleasure.

Kaidan doesn't know why she does that, only that she feels the need. He won't begrudge her whatever makes the newly aged lines on her face go away. They both stay silent after that.

He can feel her clenching around him, the movement of her hips faster and insistent against his hand. Her breast bounce erotically in front of him, her skin is sweat-slicked. It won't be long for her. Another pass of his thumb over her center, and she grinds down on him one last time. She's coming apart on top of him with a choked back cry. He gives her a minute, stills inside her then gently moves her beside him on the bed, ignoring the ache of his own incomplete desire for the moment.

He leans beside her to kiss every inch of her skin, kisses his way down her arms, lifts her hand to press closed mouthed pecks against it. He backs up to her shoulder, kisses each freckle there, and then the base of her throat. Her mouth is welcoming when he reaches it, opening for him and finally allowing him some intimacy. They were joined before, but not how he liked it. That was need and sadness and anger and fear.

He doesn't want that for them.

She covers her eyes with her other hand but a small smile lifts the downward curve of her mouth.

Gently, Kaidan covers her with his own body, mindful not to crush her with his weight and enters her again. This time his position allows him to kiss her face as he relishes in her tight, warm heat. She lifts her leg slightly allowing him deeper access. It lets him follow her fall off the edge of pleasure; his mind is blank and narrowed to just her smell, taste, touch and the love she gives him. It always feels too much with her, too good, and something too perfect to last. As the rush of completion and heat hits him, his whole body tightens and he kisses her eyelashes, they're salty with tears and he knows he'll forever remember that taste when he thinks of this night.

He rolls off her to lie beside her, stroking her hair. She turns away to lay with her back against his front. Kaidan wishes she would look at him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks to the back of her neck.

"No." Her voice is sleepy and muffled. He thinks she might have pressed her own hand against her mouth this time to muffle her sobs.

"It's not your fault." Kaidan kisses her shoulder again.

"Yes, it is."

There's a pause, and her voice is back to her normal evenness. It doesn't sound muffled anymore.

"But thank you."