Ch.9 Disclaimer: This chapter is graphic (not violent), please read with discretion.
We arrive at Beck's and Cat says, "I won't tell anyone Tori-I swear it." "Thanks," I manage to say. Beck gives Cat his car so she can drive herself home. "Are you sure?" "Yes Little Red I have a moped so we are fine. Just take it." Cat takes the keys to the Mustang and leaves. I see the wind blowing through her fire red hair and she's gone.
A week passes quickly with nothing interesting to report. It was a quiet spring break at Beck's we mainly cuddled and hardly spoke. I needed the time to heal. Beck was kind enough to let Cat burrow the Mustang for the entire spring break. This whole week I wondered what sex would have been like if it had been my first time. If it had not been taken from me; I then begin to joke around with Beck.
"So no sex Beck." I joke and punch his arm-I am sure he has thought about it I know I have. "None whatsoever my plutonic friend." We laugh and then I proceed to ask him what normal sex feels like. "Beck not that it's my place to ask this… but what does normal sex; making love feel like? I am sure you and Jade have done the deed before…"
"I wouldn't know…" "Oh come on, Beck tell me I won't laugh…Promise." He is red in the face then he says, "I haven't had sex-I mean I am a virgin. So can we please change the subject?" I can see that he is embarrassed by this though I am not sure why. "Really you're so handsome I just assumed you wouldn't be one. So why are you a virgin? I am sorry Beck I shouldn't have asked that." I am still convinced he is hiding some janitor closet adventure from me. I want to know what normal feels like please tell me Beck.
"I am a virgin because the woman I have sex with is the woman I want to end up with. God Tori, you happy now? Is there something wrong with that?" he looks at me with those baby browns. I know I am going to fall for him soon. "No, I am sorry Beck. I just wanted to know since mine was taken from me-my virginity. I know it was a month ago but I can still feel the wounds he created around me."
"I don't think it was taken from you. If you think you are damaged goods you aren't Tori. You may not be a physical virgin-but that's not your fault. Emotionally Tori, you can be a virgin. I think you are still one emotionally-and you decide whom you give that too. Virginity is beyond the physical it's also emotional. Don't let Andre take all of you away."
His words are magic-ones that I need to hear. "Thank you Beck." I say then lean my head on his buff shoulders. He caresses my face with his hand. I then realize whom I want to give my virginity too. To him-to Beck, my best friend. I want him to know but at the same time it's embarrassing. There are so many things I love about him-his smile, his kindness, his respectfulness, his friendship. He looks at me-he knows I am deep in thought.
"Are you okay Tori? What are you thinking about?" he asks-I decide to go for the plunge. "Beck would you ever make love with me?" Silence-and more silence. He backs away, unsure of what to say or think. He looks at me and is blushing slightly; almost in a timid fashion. "Would you really want to do that with me Tori? You have been hurt and I don't want to hurt you like that." I just ignore his questions and say, "Beck, will you make love with me? I want it to be you. We are best friends and you've been there for me. And I can tell that some part of you loves me and some part of me loves you. So this emotional virginity-I want it to belong to you." As I say that Beck smiles-and he responds with, "Yes Tori-I'd love to make love with you. But only when you're ready." Who says that? He's so perfect.
Even in rape-he finds all of me beautiful and untainted. I take him to his bed- and I say, "I am ready now." He looks flustered "The doctors said no sex" "If I can't make love now Beck I may never find the courage to. Please make love with me?" I am begging for a chance to feel loved and normal.
"Sure Tori," he smiles again. He sits next to me on the bed and he smells my hair over and over like wild flowers. He kisses the back of my neck with gentle kisses. I feel like butterflies have landed on my spinal column. He kisses my cheeks and using his hands he removes my tank top straps. I feel as a piece of pottery molded by his hands. His eyes look at mine and I remember what he has just said I am a virgin because the woman I have sex with is the woman I want to end up with. Then he kisses me passionately; our tongues touching quickly and brushing against each other's. This sends waves of goose bumps throughout my being. My tank top is now on the floor and Beck has begun to remove his shirt.
Now topless-I see his figure like a Greek statue. He is strong and all of mine soon. He uses his hand to balance my back and lays me down gently. He removes my bra-slowly. I am a Christmas present he is taking his time to open. My bra is gone and he kisses my shoulders in small circles. He caresses my breasts with his hands and begins to kiss my entire chest. He French kisses me everywhere. When he kisses me I feel beautiful as a new woman.
"You're beautiful Tori and I love…" He is out of breath I know what he was trying to say. My heart pounds when he says this. I know he means it-he's never had sex with any woman before. "I love you too Beck" I manage to say. He places his skin against mine-I feel as if I want to be closer to him. He undresses my lower section. First removing my skirt and then my panties. He takes off his own jeans and then his boxers. He is blushing because he loves me and has never done this before which I find sweet.
"Tori, can I come inside of you?" I hadn't considered this but since he's my best friend I reply, "Sure." He begins kissing my legs and inner thighs. It drives me insane-sending shock waves throughout my entire body as an earthquake. Then I feel him-he is so close to entering. I am terrified remembering how it felt last time. A part of me wants to push him off of me-but I know this time will be softer and kinder than before. He enters me slowly and we are as a puzzle perfect for each other in every way.
I begin to hump him and I see the look of please on his face…knowing mine is similar if not the same. He lifts me up and hugs me as we make love. I feel his heart rage-pounding against his rib cage as a battle drum. He is moaning my name-so hot! I begin to kiss him again-he is sweating; we both are. He humps me harder and then I feel him come inside of me and I want him more. Because I love him-because he loves me. My body doesn't hurt. I feel our togetherness pulsating rapidly. He begins to kiss me and says, "I love you so much Tori-thank you for choosing me. I love you baby." He then pulls away and holds me against his chest. "Good night lovely." He is so sweet he wants to cuddle all night the way we are. "Good night, love you Beck."
The honesty of saying this and the closeness of sex makes me love him. So we went to bed as two people, two best friends in love. And you know what? All my masks are gone-cause being his is fine by me.