Chapter 5- Important decisions

I didn't go into work the next day. Instead I sat by Sammy's bedside just watching him sleep. The doctor had given me until 9 am to make a decision and I still had no idea what to do… to make matters worse I had less that twenty minutes until they wanted their answer.

It sounded simple right, give my son the chance to live or let him die? But it wasn't, if I chose for him to have the surgery then in half an hour's time he may not be here, at least if I chose for him not to, I would have a few more days with my little boy.

It was so hard for me to even start to believe that he may not be here tomorrow.

I loved him so much already; more than I ever thought was possible. He was mine and Kim's miracle and I did not want to play God with his life. But in the end I didn't really have a choice….

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Wednesday 19th March 8:40 am

As the clock ticked, all JD could do was stare as each second went by, every minute that passed was just one more minute closer to when those surgeons were going to come into the room demanding an answer when he just didn't have.

How could he sit there on his own and be expected to make a decision this big? The other parents had come in earlier and tried talking to him, suggesting all sorts of things to try and help him. But he didn't listen to even one of them.

To be honest he hadn't even heard what they had said.

He had just lost the love of his life and now was expected to basically say which day his son died on. After everything that had happened, he was now quite pessimistic and simply didn't believe Sam stood a change under anaesthetic.

He didn't even move his head as he saw the doors open once again and the same nurse walked in. But instead of checking the young baby's vitals as she always did, she walked towards the glass and reached out. For a moment she remained perfectly still, before she smiled softly and pulled open a small door, which was just big enough for someone to put their hands through.

"Dr. Reardon thought it might help you decide what to do, if you could touch your son," she said carefully, causing JD to look up at her in surprise. Again she just smiled before reaching over and pulling the young doctor of seven years to his feet. "Don't worry you wont hurt him, just be gentle."

Then almost in slow motion she turned and walked back out of the room, leaving JD and his son to have some quality time together. For a while he didn't do a thing. He just stared at the glass free hole which allowed him to see his son without anything in the way. Then ever so slowly his hand started twitching, until it reached out and shakily went through the small space.

It took a further three minutes before JD gathered the courage to actually touch his baby's skin and God it felt so much softer than he had ever expected. The feelings which flew through him were almost indescribable, the amount of love which plagued his heart actually brought tears to his eyes, and for the first time in a while, they were not tears of heartache and pain but tears of pure joy.

Ever so gently, for he was absolutely terrified he would hurt him, he began tracing his finger up and down Sammy's skinny little arm, his smile widening as he felt the boy's body relax. At that moment he even thought he knew the feeling Elliot was talking about when she said her uterus was glowing, touching his son just felt so magical.

"Hi Sammy…" he mumbled softy, addressing his son by his name for the first time. Sure he had always called him it, but since he was born he never found the strength to call the boy the name which was on his birth certificate… until now that is. "I'm your daddy," he croaked before reaching out with his spare hand and pulling the chair in the room closer, so he could sit down.

Yet he didn't remove his hand from the incubator as he continued to stroke his son lovingly, just wishing that Kim had been alive long enough to do this, even once. It literally tore him up inside knowing that the baby she had longed to meet, she would never even get to see.

The mother of the baby girl who was born with only one lung, glanced up as she heard the man speak for the first time since they had been moved into the ICU. Her face was soft and carefree as she cradled her daughter, watching the man unaware as his voice filled the room.

"I love you so much Sammy!" he said as he closed his eyes and allowed the tears to fall down his cheeks as a mixture of emotions suddenly floored him. Happiness, joy, sadness and sorrow, everything he could be feeling at that point he was. "It tears me apart knowing how much you're suffering. Your mom would never have wanted this. She always dreamed of her perfect little baby being placed in her arms, she said… she said she didn't care what you looked like as long as you were healthy, because you were ours, our little boy."

At this point the woman, who had introduced herself as Amy and couldn't have been more than twenty years old, got to her feet and placed her daughter back into the incubator. For a moment she just stood there and stared at the man who had gone deadly silent again, and then ever so slowly she turned around and left the room, mumbling just loud enough for him to hear, that she would give him some privacy.

"She so wanted to meet you," JD continued, oblivious to the banging of the ward doors as the first time mother slipped away. "She pictured your face every day, described how she dreamt of sitting in a hospital bed, you in her arms, knowing it was all going to be okay. The look on her face when she was told she was in labour in that ambulance was horrifying, she was so scared, but the one thing I do know is how she would never blame you for that. She loves you even beyond the grave and I just know that she is here with you now, standing by my side, watching over her baby."

He broke down after that, tears flowing down his face like there was no tomorrow as apart of the grief he felt over Kim's passing started to let itself out. He had yet to let himself grief, at least not properly but somehow standing by his son's side he felt apart of the suppressed grief flowing out of him like unwanted lightning on a warm summer's day.

"I named you after my dad you know," he eventually added as he used his spare arm to wipe away the tears. "Even though he was never there for me, I named you after him because at the end of the day I still loved him to pieces, more than he will ever know… I just really hope you don't have to meet him anytime soon. I know he would look after you because he was always there when you really needed him, but I just… I can't have you going to him and your mom yet!" JD cried as his finger trailed down to Sam's small little hand. "You are all I have left, I lost your mother and I just cannot lose you too, Sammy, I can't! I couldn't bear it if this turned out to be the last time I saw you, if I ended your short life early just by making the wrong choice."

JD stopped moving his hand and closed his eyes as fresh tears sprung from them and his heart tightened dramatically. As he glanced over to the clock, he realised one horrible thing. He only had five minutes left.

Shaking his head repetitively, he went to draw his hand from the incubator, when the most amazing thing happened. Slowly the little hand that belonged to his son, snapped shut and squeezed hold of his index finger. What surprised JD the most, other than the first movement the boy had made, was how tightly he was holding on.

If JD was completely honest, he didn't think even he could hold something with that much strength and with the little energy that Sammy actually had, well it was just the most amazing thing he had ever been a part of. As he moved his hand slightly, JD smiled as he came to the realisation that Sammy was not letting go.

It was almost as if he was trying to tell him something… like he was delivering a message to his father the only way he knew how, by showing the strength he really had inside of him.

It may sound cliché but at that moment JD knew exactly what the right decision was, exactly what he had to do. Sammy was showing him that he was stronger than he looked, that he had a stronger spirit inside of him than anybody knew. And he was saying something else as well, by holding on to his dad the way he was, to JD it was like he was telling him how much he wanted to live.

Hearing the doors open JD turned around to face Dr. Reardon who was by now standing in the doorway, his face looking questionably at JD, the young girl standing closely behind him.

"Do it!" he said simply before turning back round to face his son… he only hoped he had made the right choice, that in the end it worked out okay… for if it didn't… well he simply didn't want to finish that thought.

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Four hours later and JD was still sitting outside the operating theatre, waiting for news of his son, every time one of the doors swung open he would pray everything was okay and jump to his feet, before sinking back dejectedly when he realised that no one was going to tell him anything.

At first he just sat there staring at the clock, a feeling of total numbness washing over him as he tried desperately to ignore the voices in his head. Then he started pacing, glancing at the surgical doors every couple of seconds, just to make sure he hadn't missed anyone go by. If anyone even entered the corridor he scanned every inch of their bodies just to see whether they held any traces of his son. Not even one of them did.

Even the nurses who went though those doors hadn't the slightest trace of blood on them, none of them would even look at him, instead they walked through, bypassing the young man completely.

After what felt like an eternity the moment he had been waiting for arrived as the operating doors burst open and Dr. Reardon walked out. Stopping in front of the young man, he ever so slowly pulled down his mask and gave him a gentle smile.

"JD, can you sit down please," he asked, causing JD to collapse on the chair behind him, already thinking the worse.

"Is he okay?" he cried out, the worry starting to become too much, one person could only handle so much before they started to go over the edge and JD was currently balancing on that cliff.

"Thankfully he managed to pull through the surgery," the man stated, a small smile on his face, causing JD to let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding.

"So what's the problem?" he asked after a moment or two, knowing that he wouldn't have asked him to sit down the way he had if everything was really okay.

"During the operation he suffered a massive heart attack and we only just managed to bring him back. His body was starved of oxygen for a very long time… even longer than yesterday morning. While he is stable now; we are not sure how long that will last. We need to tell you that a scan has shown that the apart of his brain has been damaged, and we think there is a strong possibility that he has completely lost the use of his lower legs. He is showing no feeling anywhere below the knees… meaning that if he does pull through there is very little hope he will ever be able to walk," the surgeon continued before patting a silent JD on the shoulder and standing up, ready to go work on his next patient. "On the bright side, I don't think he will need any more surgery any time soon and there is a little baby in the recovery room waiting for his father… "

With that said the man turned and walked away, JD however remained completely still as he took in what had just been told.

He simply just shook his head over and over as he tried to get his mind around the information he had been given. His beautiful baby may never get the chance to lead a normal life. JD had suffered himself with bullies at school and could just imagine what children would say when they learnt he was different, that he was stuck in a wheel chair not being able to run around and play like everyone else.

That's when something hit him, something which may have seemed insignificant, but to him meant wonders, simply because for the first time since he was born, a doctor who was treating Sammy had mentioned his future!

Full out charging down the corridor JD could hardly believe what his mind was telling him, that his son had a stronger chance of making it now than ever… Sammy really had proved the doctors at St. Mary's wrong and the attending didn't care what everyone else thought, he knew in his heart that his little boy would at the very least outlive the deadline he had been given.

Sadly, he was so preoccupied with getting to his son, to let the boy know that his daddy was still with him, that JD paid little attention to the directions hanging from the ceilings.

He should have known by now, he had been a part of so many people's lives that he just should have known. Known that when a situation which only looked bleak improved that much in a short space of time, that something would always happen. Something would always bring a person crashing back down to the reality of what was going on around them.

When he came to two identical doors, he didn't stop to think which one he should go though; he just pushed one of them open and went inside. It was a lot darker in there than he had expected, but thought nothing of it as he made his way to where he saw a small amount of light. However instead of seeing the infant, what he saw next made his blood run cold, as an image which would haunt him for the rest of his life flashed in front of his eyes.

He hadn't gone to the recovery room at all, quite the opposite actually and although he had seen one of these taking place at his own hospital, he never felt so violently ill as he eyes were forced to watch an autopsy. The man who was examining a young woman's dead body turned around at that moment and stared at the man in confusion, wondering why he was down here. Then he looked at the person he currently had his hands inside, to the tortured look on the young man's and something just seemed to click in his brain.

"Get the hell out of here!" he yelled out, but JD could not move as he stared at the lifeless body lying on the table, the woman's hair mangled with blood, her skin completely purple and the gaping whole in her chest. As the man headed towards him, JD felt his stomach lunge as he looked at the sight in front of him. The mortician went to grab his arm, to remove him from the premises but JD beat him to it.

Spinning on his heels in ran from the room and keeled over outside, empty what little contents he had in his stomach all over the hospital floor, before he collapsed to the ground shaking worse than he ever had in his entire life.

Kim…

(A/n) I know this is a lot shorter than the other chapters but I felt that was a good place to end, I hope everyone understands what just happened… and don't kill me for it…