Chapter 7- shattering truths

I knew what I said to the Janitor had been completely out of order, but I just couldn't help myself. It was like the part of me which responded to situations with pure naivety had been destroyed and all that was left was this uncontrollable anger. I hated everyone for just being happy and while I knew that wasn't normal I couldn't help but want to feel like that forever. At least then

I wouldn't have to face up to the fact that Kim wasn't coming back, even if it meant my anger only got worse…

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Thursday 20th March 8:15 PM

Storming into the nearest supply closet, something which he hadn't done for years now, JD slammed the door closed before sliding down to the floor. His breathing by this point was unnaturally erratic as he felt like his blood was literally boiling over.

Everyone in the hospital was laughing at him, at what he had become. He had always thought everyone loved who he was and how he constantly interacted with them, but obviously that wasn't the case.

They had all just sat there, whispering, pointing and sniggering at him, all of them enjoying what appeared to be his mental break down, not even one of them looked even remotely concerned. Hell the Janitor, the man who wanted to kill him the most, looked more worried about him than every single person in that cafeteria.

He automatically started banging his head against the shelves behind him as he tried to calm himself down and get the images out of his mind.

Why wouldn't they just leave him alone?

He had never in his life felt so much rage inside of him, so out of control, a week ago he would have laughed at the janitor saying he was giving him some advise, snorted at news everyone was laughing at him. But now, well now he had acted even worse than Dr Cox usually did. He knew that the seething rage inside of him, that was bubbling away just waiting for its next opportunity to erupt, wasn't right and to be perfectly honest he was literally afraid of what he might now be capable of.
So far he had only yelled at a few people and chucked water over the janitor, but how long would that last? Each time he lost it, his anger seemed to only get worse.

To make matters worse, that damn lump in his throat seemed to be getting dangerously bigger and he had no idea how to stop it clogging up his wind pipe. As a doctor, he knew that it was actually suppressed grief taking a physical form, trying to force its way to the surface, yet knowing that certainly didn't make a blind bit of difference.

Sure he wanted to cry, scream, possibly kick a few people's heads in, but today he just couldn't, he didn't want to lose it in work of all places, his colleagues may have seen him screaming at people, but he refused to let them see him become that pitiable.

Looking around the store room, JD felt his anger build once again as he took on the appearance of every piece of equipment. These… things… were supposed to help people, to save their lives, yet all they had done for Kim was send her to an early grave, where she would be cut to pieces by some filthy mortician.

Clenching his teeth together, the attending got to his feet and looked around the room at an unbelievable speed, his fists clasped themselves together as his breathing became heavier and heavier.

Before he even realised what he was doing, he lunged forward and grabbed the nearest object before smashing it on the floor. As it shattered into tiny pieces, a small amount of pleasure instantly flooded though him and he instantly grabbed a pole from the floor and flung his arm out, knocking everything on the shelves flying.

For the next ten minutes he jumped on paper, snapped anything which would in fact be snapped and smashed pieces of glass. He ripped plastic tubes, pulled the shelves down and kicked at the boxes on the ground. He tore the room apart until there was basically nothing left in the same condition as it was before.

Eventually he stopped and just stood staring at the mess he had made, before spinning around and punching the door, hard! The pain which then erupted up his wrist seemed to bring the young man to his senses somewhat as he looked around at the trashed room, regret instantly flooding though him like a burst dam.

"Oh god what have I done?" He spoke out loud as sweat started pouring from his face as the sheer exhaustion started to take over. Reaching over to the door handle, he yanked the blue piece of wood open, but as he went to take a step outside, he looked up to see Dr Cox's face staring at him in complete bewilderment, a number of nurses standing behind him, their mouths ajar.

Knowing he was going to get the biggest lecture of his life, JD took his audiences stunned silence as an opportunity to charge past them and down the corridor.

"NEWBIE!" He heard Perry yell out, yet he didn't stop running until he got to the nurses station on the floor below, his whole body shaking as it ran on nothing but adrenaline.

"Hi." He mumbled slightly as he saw Carla and Elliot standing by the one working computer on that floor, discussing one of their patients. The two girls instantly turned towards him before sharing a knowing look, both of them having already agreed on what to do regarding his strange behaviour.

"Look JD before you say anything else, me and Carla, have been talking about your outbursts and what you said about Kim." Elliot started; holding her index finger up in the air and shaking her head as JD opened his mouth to interrupt her.

"And we have decided that we have had enough of taking care of you when you mess your relationships up, your going to be a dad so it's high time you grew up." Carla continued as she folded her arms, completely obvious to the state the doctor was clearly in. They say people only see what they want to, especially girls and this was defiantly one of those moments that proved that saying right.

"Carla…" JD said exhaustedly as he shook his head, only to have Elliot once again lift her finger up, cutting him off before he had the chance to continue.

"No talking." She replied simply before turning her attention back to Carla and waiting for her to continue.

"That is why you're on your own with this one, its time you take some responsibility for your actions and learn to deal with the repercussions when you don't. Your thirty years old, don't you think its time to stop leaning on everyone else?" Carla said softly reaching out and rubbing his shoulder slightly, a smile on her face.
JD simply rubbed at his eyes in response before he moved away from her touch and brushed the hair from his face, exhaling hard.
"I'm trying to…" he said quietly in response, slightly pleased with himself for going this long without unloading all his problems on anybody else, not that he had much of a choice since no one would really listen.

"Well obviously not hard enough… do us all a favour and go and talk to Kim, sort whatever mess you made out, everything will look a whole lot better once you do!" Elliot said softly, not noticing the pained expression which instantly filled the man's face as his whole body cringed.

"I can't…" He stuttered as he squeezed his eyes shut as that damn image flashed before him once again, Kim's cold, and cut open body being engraved in his minds eye.

"Of course you can!" Elliot replied with a cheesy grin as she gave a little wave to her husband, who was currently walking down the hallway. "JD, look, just take me and Keith, we have our problems, of course we do, but we work through them, as a couple. We don't run at the first sign of trouble… Just talk to Kim!"
"I can't!" He said again, but this time it was though clenched teeth as he rubbed at his arm subconsciously, the words 'she's dead' sticking to the tip of his tongue. They were there, trying to force their way out, he could taste them, feeling them rising up his throat, but he just couldn't say them, no matter how hard he tried to he could not say those two words out loud.

"Look a few months ago, he wouldn't use coasters and you just know how I feel about that, but we talked it over and came to a compromise…. We would cover the table with a nice cloth and solve both issues in one go!"

JD just shook his head in response, he knew Elliot meant well, but hearing her describing what she considered to be a problem just had his blood running cold. His son was still fighting for his life, he couldn't even breath on his own, while his mother lay in a morgue… and Elliot actually thought someone not using a coaster was a relationship ending problem! It was almost laughable. Almost.

Carla gave the blonde girl a strange look at that before shrugging one of her shoulders in a 'fair enough' kind of way, before turning her head back to the brunette, ready to put her own point across.

"Look JD, everyone goes though a tough time, especially when there is a kid involved. It's like when Turk wouldn't spend time with Izzy and wanted to play games instead. That drove me up the wall because he was just being an insensitive jerk…" Carla continued, causing JD to look at her with a blank expression on his face, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Everyone has those moments when they can't stand the person they are living with, but with a simple apology from the guy, it all works out! So just say you're sorry and Kim will forgive you for whatever it is that you've done."

For a moment JD didn't say a word, he just looked from one of them to the other, his head shaking automatically as he did, his teeth grinding together as their words flooded though him.

"Who are you two to try and give me advice about anything?" JD said very slowly as his eyes looked like they had literally been blackened, the dismay evident in his voice. "I mean you actually think something like coasters, or playing games…or a stupid TV show being cancelled are problems?! All you two do is bitch and moan about you relationships all day long!" He continued emphasising the last point as his eyes locked with the Latina nurse.

Carla actually had the decency to look slightly guilty at that as she realised he had heard their conversation the other day and everything which followed. Elliot however didn't look at all affected by his words; instead she just shook her own head in a way which just screamed that she felt sorry for him.

"You can look sorry for me all you want, but you know what, one day you are going to wake up and have your life thrown down the drains; everyone you ever needed will be gone. When that happens then you can lecture me on my behaviour, but until then I'm out of here. You get your wish, you don't have to fight over who has to look after 'poor pathetic JD' anymore like I know you all do. I don't need looking after by people who only give a toss about their own ridiculous problems."

With that JD took one final look at his so called best friends before slowly walking away. Before he did however he glanced over his shoulder just in time to see a certain doctor heading his way, his eyes literally on fire.

Squeaking slightly as he broke out into a run, he ignored the confused and worried looks of Carla and Elliot and charged towards the staircase as he heard 'newbie' being bellowed out to him once again.

When he reached the stairs he was just about to swing open the door when he felt a strong arm grab him by the shoulders, causing him to freeze in fear for his life as he turned his head slightly to see Dr Cox growling at him, with murder clearly on his mind.

"Come!" The older man ordered before leading his protégée over to the doctor's lounge, not once loosening his grip. Shoving him inside, the older man scanned the room for anybody who might have been in hearing distance. Once he was sure the place was empty Dr Cox span around to look at the man who appeared so defeated and haunted.

He was fully intending to go absolutely ballistic with him but the look in his eyes stopped him immediately and he let out a short sigh.

"Okay, so care to explain what the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm fine." JD replied, his eyes down cast, not wanting to talk to the man who loved to torment and humiliate him as much as the janitor.

"Like hell you are. You have somehow managed to upset God only knows how many people in this hospital and I want to know why." Dr Cox replied, folding his arms and taking on his normal, impatient stance, the slight bit of compassion he had shown only moments ago, vanishing without a trace.

"Why? It's not like you care?" JD growled before muttering under his breath. "It's not like anybody cares."

Dr Cox was unfortunately close enough to hear that last bit, despite how quiet it was and he couldn't help but inwardly flinch. His tone of voice was just so flat and depressed; it wasn't like the young man at all. Unfortunately despite noticing this, he was still Dr Perceval Cox, with his big ego and inability to connect with anyone.

"No your right I don't." he started. "But I do care as to why you deliberately destroyed the store room full of thousands of pounds worth of stock! I mean by God newbie what the hell is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? Ha that's a joke; apparently nothing can ever be wrong with me. 'I'm just pathetic JD who screwed up another relationship'." JD scoffed, his arms now too folded as he leant back against the back of the sofa, shaking slightly.
Dr Cox didn't reply right away, instead he just stood there staring at the young man, shaking his head at what he had just said, until that is the last part hit him.

"You messed up with Kim? Is that it?" He asked in complete and utter disbelief, surely all of this couldn't have just been because he pulled a Dorian, messed things up and didn't know how to set it right again?

"No that's not it! Why does everyone automatically assume that? It's not my fault… I didn't… I couldn't help it… I didn't know…" JD half yelled half cried out as he squeezed his eyes shut so tightly he started to see swirling patterns of colour beneath them.

"Oh for Gods sake get a grip, and here I was moderately concerned about your mental health, when all that's wrong is you screwed up." Dr Cox said whilst shaking his head, a disbelieving grin on his face. It was so typical!

"I didn't…"

"Sure… look I'll tell you what Clarabelle, stop acting like someone has just died and try growing a pair!"

JD's face instantly drained of what little colour it had left as those words flew around his head, repeating themselves over and over and over again. It was almost as if time stood still as his breathing became completely out of control.

Then, it was like there was a white flash of light in front of his eyes, as his vision blurred to the point he didn't even know what he was doing. Even as he lunged forward, his fist clenched, he didn't really know what was going on, not until said fist collided with his mentor's jaw anyway.

The sheer force and surprise of the attack caused the doctor to go flying backwards and land on the floor, his face looking completely stunned and to be perfectly honest, slightly impressed.

As the reality of what he just done struck JD like a bolt of lightning, he span on his heels and full out dived out of the room, petrified of being beaten to a bloody pulp. He didn't even stop as he practically ran into the Janitor, who had been standing outside with his mop all along.

Dr Cox stayed on the floor for about a minute, completely dazed over what had just happened, before he scrambled to his feet, his face turning an unnatural shade of red as he rubbed at his jaw. The impressiveness being replaced by sheer rage as he glared in the direction JD had fled.

"Son of a bitch!" he mumbled as he clenched his own fists, ignoring the Janitor as he swung himself into the room by leaning on the door frame and tilting his body around.

"Can't really blame the kid" The Janitor said as his eyes met Doctor Cox's, his hands placed firmly in his pocket.

"Oh what do you know?" Dr Cox replied his eyes dangerously narrowing as his temper continued to rise, knowing for a fact that if the guy didn't move in the next thirty seconds, that he would be caught in the firing line.

"Quite a lot actually, you learn a bit from reading someone's diary…" he replied as he turned towards the door way, causing Dr Cox to freeze for a moment and stare at the man whose intentions had always been questionable; in complete disbelief, especially as he held up a very familiar-looking book.

"Like what?" he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. He wasn't one to go reading people's private thoughts, but the possibility of hearing what JD wrote about in his stupid little diary actually brought a smile to his face… it would certainly be good for his revenge at the very least.

"Oh I don't know little things really, like his favourite colour, the name of his son, the fact his girlfriend died a few days ago… you know the usual…"

With that the janitor smiled slightly, shrugged his shoulders and gave an all knowing look to Dr Cox, before exiting the room, whistling the funeral march under his breath in the process.

For a moment Dr Cox remained perfectly still, so still in fact that a gust of wind could have knocked him over, his face loosing its anger almost immediately. Then ever so quietly one little word escaped his mouth as all anger he once had melted away.

"Oh…."

(A/N) I'm not entirely sure how this chapter will go down, I wanted the janitor to reveal the truth but in a janitor ish way, hopefully that worked out ok… sorry for the cliff-hanger…again… they seem to becoming a habit.