Chapter 8- Shadows in the dark

I couldn't believe what I had done and just kept running, right out of the hospital, out of the car park, down the street, across the park, I just couldn't stop. It was only when the exhaustion kicked in that I collapsed to the ground, completely out of sorts.

I fucking hit Doctor Cox!

I knew the second I returned to the hospital I was going to wish I had been hit by a car or something as he was going to make my life more of a living hell than it currently was.

I mean… I fucking hit him! He was going to tear every bone in my body and blend what was left over.

Despite having nearly half of my shift still to go, I remained where I was, the fear of what might happen if I returned keeping me there. Even as the heavens opened and the rain began I refused to move, my whole body going numb as I saw Kim's face hovering above my closed, dazed eyes.

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Thursday 20th march 10.21 pm

"Is Doctor Cox okay?" Elliot whispered to Carla as she sat herself down on one of the tables in the new Coffee Bucks' store which had recently opened. Both Carla and Turk shrugged their shoulders in response as they glanced behind them to where the attending was currently sitting.

He had been there for over an hour now, just sitting with his hands in his head, his face blank of all emotions. While this was certainly not an uncommon reaction, usually when someone talked to him, he would snap out of his trance and act like nothing had happened. But this time it was different, no matter how hard anyone tried, he simply wouldn't utter a word, an over powering feeling of disbelief washing over him.

"Maybe we should go get Jordan?" Elliot continued, her voice coming out loud enough for not only the Turks to hear but also a certain attending, who briefly glanced towards them.

"Just leave him, he'll snap out of it eventually." Carla said after a moment or two of just staring at him before she turned back around to face the blonde. "I'm worried about JD though, he hasn't lost it like that in years!" She continued as her mind drifted back to the conversation which had been held not that long ago.

"You're kidding right? You know what he's been doing to the interns." Elliot replied almost immediately, Dr Cox soon forgotten as she pictured JD's anger-filled face in her mind.

"And what he said to me earlier, I mean come on JD hasn't been acting himself for nearly a week now." Turk butted in, pointing his chocolate covered spoon in the direction of his wife. Carla just shrugged her shoulders in response knowing that they both had valid points; still she couldn't help the voice in her head which was screaming for answers.

"Yeah, but why? That's what I don't understand. Why is he acting like this? It's almost as if he's had a personality transplant." She continued her eyes glancing from Turk, over to Elliot and back again, wiling either one of them to come up with an explanation.

"I still think it's because he wants to be like, you know who." The private practice doctor replied with a shrug, indicating not so discreetly towards Dr Cox. The older man rolled his eyes at that, but showed no other indication that he was in fact still alive as he sat perfectly still, just listening to what the kid's three best friends were talking about.

"JD wants to be like Voldemort?" Turk replied with a look of pure confusion written all over his face. Elliot let out a scoff at that and shook her head in disbelief as a frustrated Carla leant over and explained quietly to her husband of whom they were referring.

"I don't think that's it though, I mean even if it was, there has to have been a trigger right?" She explained after Turk had caught up on what they were on about.

"Well we know he's messed up with Kim, maybe that's it. Maybe he just figured being like Dr Cox would give him an excuse," Elliot said after a moment of pure silence fell upon them, none of them actually having any clue about what was going on inside his head. They hadn't really spent more than five minutes with JD for a good few months now. They were all just too busy with their married life to organise spending time with him, besides as far as they knew he had Kim to fall back on.

It was at that moment that Dr Cox decided to move, but instead of getting up and going about his business as he usually did, he just rested his arms on the table and stared down at the little note book the janitor had given him…. Well the note book which he forcefully took from his hands a few hours ago anyway….

He may be a complete jerk, but even he was not mean enough to leave JD's diary in the hands of someone who would most likely photocopy it and put pages up around the hospital. Still as he glanced down at it, his hands sort of twitched, wanting more than anything else to pull back the cover and read what had been written inside.

'There is something seriously wrong when the janitor and I are the ones worried about JD and his friends couldn't care less, they haven't even given the kid a chance.' Dr Cox thought, as he listened to them babble on about ridiculous reasons as to why JD would have been acting like a maniac.

"Honestly I just think it's his way of showing us he's moved on too!" Carla said rather loudly, causing Dr Cox's attention to be diverted away from the unicorn hard back to the conversation which was being held in front of him, his eyebrows rising in disbelief.

"Baby what on earth are you babbling on about?" Turk replied as Carla just simply looked at him, obviously thinking that what she meant was a given. She just shrugged in response before Elliot opened her mouth to continue.

"She means that we have all moved on and changed so much since we started here, but JD hasn't. He's remained the same daydreaming optimistic carefree kid he's always been. Maybe he's finally realised that and to show us he's moving on with his life as well, he's simply acting out, proving he has changed as much as we have."

As the trio once again fell into a complete silence, Dr Cox decided to just simply stop listening to them as he slowly reached down; turning the note books pages over to the last one which had been written on. Half of him wanted to read what had been put, the other half however didn't, for at the end of the day, it was something no one else was supposed to see. He just wasn't sure if he could actually go through with reading JD's feelings.

Still, one small glance couldn't hurt right?

Wrong!

God he had never been so wrong in his life, as he was immediately greeted with a picture of a small baby covered in more wires than he ever thought possible. It took him all of two seconds to realise just why JD had been at St Mary's the other day as he stared at the image in front of him, unable to stop the horror which flashed across his face.

Unable to read the writing which accompanied the picture, Dr Cox snapped the book shut and shoved his chair backwards. He immediately ran his hands down his face before resting his elbows on the table and rubbing at his fingers. He wasn't good at these types of situations and quite frankly didn't have a clue what to do next.

Should he go and find him? But if he did, he had no idea what he could even say to the young man.

Should he tell his friends? Whilst that was probably the better choice, it wasn't exactly his business and he knew for a fact if JD wanted them to know he would have told them himself. Besides the way they were talking they had already made their minds up about what his problem actually was.

Still it wasn't like he could do nothing, he wasn't a completely heartless bastard, even he wouldn't go as far as pretending he didn't know what had happened as JD slipped further and further into him self. If he did do nothing, at the rate JD was declining he would end up losing what little hold he had left and he certainly didn't want to be around when that happened.

Forcing himself to his feet while placing the note book safely inside his lab coat, Dr Cox turned and left the café, ignoring the looks he was receiving from the people behind him completely. They obviously weren't making it any of their business to find out about JD so he simply wasn't going to enlighten them.

Once he was outside, he stood on the ramp for what seemed like hours just thinking about what to do next. Finally he reached into his pocket and pulled out his car keys, only one destination on his mind as he pulled out of the car park. If he wanted to talk to JD, then he had to be in possession of all of the facts first. He was not going to find the man and talk blindly about what had happened, he needed to be prepared.

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As the rain got heavier JD eventually managed to force him self into a sitting position, completely drenched from head to toe. To an onlooker, as he staggered to his feet, it would seriously look like he was on drugs as he stumbled and swayed side to side, his eyes looking dangerously disorientated.

He knew he had to get out of the storm, that if he didn't he would probably end up laying in a coffin, not that he thought anyone would go to his funeral, especially after what happened with Carla, Elliot and now Dr Cox.
All he knew, as he tried to head in the direction of St Mary's was that he needed to be with his son, the one person in the world whose love would be unconditional.

To be completely honest all he wanted to do was curl up into a little ball in his mother's arms and tell her everything. Yet with her and Dan being at the other end of the country, not even knowing that Kim was pregnant in the first place, getting anything from them would be down right impossible.

He was one of these people who just needed others and had an unnatural fear of being completely alone, it still made him shiver even to this day when he thought about being in a room with absolutely no one around him.

He would never admit it to anyone else, but his neediness actually came from when he was younger. It wasn't that he wanted to always be with someone, it was just that he was so terrified that everyone would just leave him behind and move on, that he came across as desperate for company.

They say that everyone has that five year old child inside of them and for JD that couldn't be closer to the truth if anyone tried. Back when his parents were having problems, which eventually lead to the divorce, JD and Dan used to be left on their own all the time as Barbra and Sam tried to save their marriage. He didn't mind it then, but when Dan started going out as well, leaving the six year old in the house on his own, well that's when the fear began.

He could still, even to this day, remember the horrible storm which was taking place as he sat under the covers in his room, all alone as the thunder and lightning rocked the house. The whistling noises and the wind making him convinced that someone was trying to break in.
Shuddering at the memory JD tried desperately to tell himself that he was an adult now and being afraid of being alone was just completely ridiculous. That there weren't monsters lurking in the shadows and that this time, people being around him was not going to scare those monsters away.

As a horrible numbness washed over him, he walked into the nearest building and just collapsed on one of the chairs, not caring where the hell he was, he just wanted to get warm.

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Trying to look the picture of confidence, Dr Cox walked straight into the hospital and past the reception. No one questioned why he didn't stop; he was still wearing his lab coat and scrubs after all. No one wore those sorts of things in a hospital unless they actually worked there as far as everyone else was concerned, that's what made his whole plan perfect.

Swallowing hard as he reached the maternity ward he walked over to one of the people behind the nurses station and waited patiently until she had finished on the phone.

"Has the post-mortem come back on Kim Briggs yet?" he asked, causing the nurse to look at him in confusion, obviously not having a clue who he was. Fooling the public into believing he worked there was one thing, fooling people who actually did was another thing entirely.
"Do you work here?" She asked slowly as she studied his face carefully, almost certain she hadn't seen him before.

"Yeah, started about a week ago." He replied, rather convincingly too, as he folded his arms and gave the clear picture of someone who was getting more and more annoyed by the second.

The nurse simply nodded in response before turning around and flipping though the charts. When she came to the one she was looking for she opened it and scanned over the information in her hands. Dr Cox took this time to really take in the young woman's appearance. She had long black hair which was tied up in bunches either side of her head, dark chocolate brown eyes and the biggest nose he had ever seen in his life.

She was slim, especially compared to some of the woman he worked with and had big thick black glasses which kept falling down her face.
Eventually she looked up and smiled slightly as she pushed her glasses back up her face, despite the obvious flaws in her looks, even Dr Cox had to admit that she was still quite pretty.

"Yeah, it's as we thought, the pregnancy put such a strain on her heart that the artery bled out. Such a shame she seemed like a really nice young woman to, her boyfriend is completely cut up about it. Have you seen him yet?" She said quickly, reminding the attending somewhat of Elliot in the way that she spoke.

"No I haven't," Dr Cox replied as he started tapping his foot on the floor.
"Oh, well he's a doctor over at Sacred Heart apparently, she never told him about her heart defect so I wouldn't, you know; ask him if there were any symptoms that indicated she was ill before hand." The nurse continued, causing doctor Cox's eyes to widen slightly as he bit his lip.

"Umm what about the son?" he asked carefully, trying to hide his worry as he remembered the picture he had seen of the little boy.
"Well he survived the op which is a good thing but between you and me, I don't hold out much hope, he's stronger than he was but we think he may have developed an infection and with his kidneys not actually working… well lets put it this way… I just don't want to be the one to tell the father."

Dr Cox simply nodded in response as the woman turned away to once again answer the ringing phone. He knew from the image Sam was in a bad way, but never had he thought the boy could die. It was at that moment that he realised the true extent of the situation and just why his newbie had been reacting the way he had all week.

No wonder he had said what he had to Gary on his first day back, hell if it was him he would have punched the intern's lights out.
He suddenly felt an emotion he wasn't too familiar with and ran his hands though his hair as the true reality of the situation hit him like a ton of bricks. He certainly hadn't helped matters with his constant insults and jabs at the boy.

JD told everyone everything about him, yet he remembered clearly how he had gone deadly quiet after his father had the heart attack, how he hadn't told a single soul for days what had happened and it was only Dan who casually revealed the truth to Carla. In fact if he remembered correctly Carla had been the one to tell him and ask Kelso if the guy could have a week compassionate leave.

Smacking his head with his hand, Dr Cox groaned and just couldn't help but ask him self how he hadn't known something was wrong. JD was never that silent, ever; he never once lashed out at anybody or sat there looking so damn depressed. Yet for the last few days that was all he had been doing, acting nothing like his usual hyperactive self.

Then again he wasn't the only one who didn't have a clue. What about his so called best friends, they hung out with him every day of the year, granted not as much recently but still, shouldn't they have known at least something was wrong with him?
Shaking his head, Dr Cox headed back out of the hospital and over to the café on the corner, wanting nothing more than to drink a bottle of scotch, but settling for a coffee from one of the best coffee machines around instead, it was seriously nothing like the stuff that was served in Sacred Heart.

Heading into the building the first thing he noticed was the large puddle of water which was running along the floor near the entrance. Ignoring the urge to tell the staff that worked there, that it could cause someone to break a leg and sue them, he went straight to the counter and ordered his usual. Sure he liked the people there, but he was officially off duty now and telling someone about the possibly implications of a wet floor just didn't interest him in the slightest.

Turning around a few minutes later, his coffee firmly in his hand, his eyes instantly travelled along the floor looking for the source of the leakage. What he saw made his blood run cold, yet he couldn't help what came out of his mouth next.

"NEWBIE!" he yelled out as soon as his eyes landed on the thirty year old, who was sitting shivering in the corner of the room, his hair stuck to his head, looking completely sorry for himself. He didn't mean it to come out the way it did though, for even he could sense the anger in his voice.

JD instantly jumped a mile as he heard his mentor's voice and looked up, over to him. His face instantly turned to one of pure panic as he actually registered the man's presence. He started backing away out of reflex, even further into the corner than he was before.

"Oh my god, I'm sorry…. I didn't mean to… oh god, I'm sorry…" he cried out in a typical newbie voice, reminding doctor Cox of when he tried to apologise for writing wash me on his car window. He quickly shook those thoughts from his head though as he realised that they were completely different situations.

As he listened to the ragged, terrified breathing of the grieving father, he snapped himself out of his little trance and for the first time in his life, tried to put himself in JD's shoes.

"Newbie…" The forty six year old said carefully taking a step forward, trying to force himself to sound almost gentle, but that only caused JD to lean even further backwards as the fear on what the man could possibly do to him set it.
"I'm sorry… really…. really… I didn't…." JD continued, his sentence making very little sense to the attending as he walked closer to him until he was standing roughly two inches from the table.

"Newbie calm down!" The curly haired man said very slowly as he noticed JD's breathing becoming more and more erratic as he took uneven panicking breathes. The man couldn't help but think the fact he probably had some degree of hyperthermia wasn't helping matters. In fact as he studied his younger counterpart with his medical eye he instantly noticed a few symptoms he really wished weren't there.

The table JD had chosen to sit at was only a small round one with two chairs facing opposite each other, despite being pressed against a wall, meaning by now there was nothing in between the two men, making it all the more easier for Dr Cox to reach out and grab the man's wrists.

"JD I'm serious you need to calm down!" He continued as he felt the man's arms physically shaking, causing him to tighten his grip slightly. It wasn't meant to be threatening; it was just the only way the man could think of to get the brunette to, at the very least, listen to him. A part of him also thought that by the use of his real name, it might have shown the man that he was actually more concerned than angry.

It seemed to work as JD slowly glanced up at him before his breathing gradually returned to normal. Despite this he was still shaking, causing Dr Cox to shake his own head and let go of JD's wrists, not really knowing what to do next.

"You're freezing." He stated simply after a moment or two, to which JD could only nod in response as he wrapped his arms around himself, trying to keep the heat in. The two of them fell into an uncomfortable silence after that, neither of them knowing what to say next.
After a few minutes, Dr Cox grabbed hold of JD's wet scrub top and pulled him forcefully to his feet.

"Come on, I'm taking you home." He said simply before heading towards the door. When he realised JD was not following him, just simply standing there, mistrust evident in his eyes, Dr Cox grunted slightly before walking back over to him.

This time however he stood beside the young man , put his hand around the top of JD's arm and lead him out of the building and over to his car, which thankfully wasn't in the hospital car park.

The rain by this point had let up slightly, but it was still pouring down as the resident director forced JD into his car before getting into the drivers seat himself. Whilst the man had still lost front seat privileges, given the situation Dr Cox couldn't find it in him to make the boy sit in the back.

"Where do you live?" He asked as soon as he pulled off. JD mumbled something about not wanting to go home but the doctor just kept asking over and over again until he gave up and whispered his address.

Groaning as he realised it was in the opposite direction to where he was heading, Dr Cox spun the car around and took off back towards Sacred Heart. After a few minutes of complete silence, with the only noise coming from the windscreen wipers as they wiped the rain from view, Dr Cox glanced towards his passenger, shaking his head as he realised he had fallen fast asleep.

Reaching over to the control buttons, the driver turned the heating up to full blast and turned the funnels towards the younger man already thinking about what the hell he would do once they reached their destination.

(a/n) Wow, just wow, i have never had so many reviews for one chapter before!!! nearly had a heart attack when i saw i had 28!! 28! Can't thank you guys enough for that!! So this is dedicated to everyone who reviewed, you wouldn't believe how hard this was to write and i hope Dr Cox's reaction was believable.