Chapter 9- Pacing though the night

Sitting in my apartment with, thankfully, some dry clothes on, I couldn't help but watch as Dr Cox paced up and down my living room floor. God I had been surprised when he said he was coming in, then when I came out of the bathroom to see him still standing there looking extremely uncomfortable, I must say.

I was still so cold though and exhausted from the lack of sleep, that I just couldn't bring myself to say a word to him. Instead I sat there, huddled up against the couch, breathing in Kim's sweet scent which still lingered on the pillows.

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Friday 21st March 12.30 Am

As JD watched Dr Cox pace back and forth, his hands placed firmly on his head, he couldn't even muster the energy to question what on earth he was still doing in his apartment.

A week ago he would have literally done anything to have the man standing in his living room, but now, now all he wanted was for him to walk straight back out of the door and carry on as normal. He wanted to hear the girl's names leaving his mouth, sense the anger at how irritating he was being by following him around and have him despise the very idea of them spending any time together outside the hospital.

Some might argue that they were all still true, but to JD that didn't change the fact that Dr Cox almost looked like he was trying to have a conversation with him and given the fact he wasn't in Carla's good books he doubted he was being forced, meaning he was standing in front of him of his own accord.

Shaking his head at that very thought JD sank back into the seat and tried desperately to rewind time, wanting more than anything else for the last six days to just disappear. Then he could go back to being blissfully happy, with the most loving girl friend, a healthy child on the way and some of the best friends in the world.

How things could change in just a matter of days…

The people he thought he could always rely on, he had suddenly realised didn't even care and that actually crushed him, that he had spent seven years of his life doing everything he could for them, only to find out that they only saw him as an annoying 'man child'.

Having Dr Cox with him, only made those feelings worse, especially since the person who always belittled him, constantly attacked his self esteem and did everything he could to humiliate him was currently watching him curl himself into a ball.

As the older man continued to pace, JD tried in vain to wipe away the tears which were starting to flow once again; God, what was wrong with him? He never cried, he admittedly did a lot of things which weren't exactly manly, but he never cried! Hell he barely did when his dad had died three years earlier.

"Oh for God's sake newbie, I've already seen the tell tale signs of the blubbering ..." Dr Cox snapped, making the crying motion with his hands to emphasis his point as he glanced towards the broken man who was still trying so hard to pretend nothing was wrong. "You're nothing but a little girl anyway so stop trying to pretend otherwise!"

JD's eyes were instantly drawn to the nearest floor board as he brought his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around them, just sitting there like he was some sort of vacant soul.

Doctor Cox instantly felt that horrible, unfamiliar feeling of guilt hitting him as he watched the brunette's reaction. He hadn't meant that to come out the way it had, in fact he had meant to say 'I've already seen you crying Carol so there is no point in pretending your not." Not that different, sure, but it had a much softer, less harsh tone to it. For some reason though, as soon as he looked towards the younger man he couldn't help but insult him.

Dr Cox instantly groaned as he rubbed at his face to try and wash the frustration away. He was no good at these sorts of things… being sympathetic, for fuck sake he had hit the guy when his dad had died. He hadn't a clue what to do, or even how to broach the subject with his younger counterpart. Hell he couldn't very well say 'hey, the janitor read your diary, I know Kim's dead and your kid could very well go the same way.' Now could he?

Seeing JD's body shake a little as his head fell into his arms so he could no longer see his face, Dr Cox shook his own head, glanced upwards as if he was swearing at God then took a few steps over to the couch. For a moment he just stood there, staring at the man who was so close to losing the plot completely, before he forced himself to step to the side and sit next to him.

"JD." He said slowly, hoping that by using his name straight away it would reassure the boy somewhat of his intentions. JD didn't even look up though as he continued to tremble, whether it was from the tears, the fear of what his mentor might do to him, or the hyperthermia, Dr Cox did not know, although he highly suspected it was all of the above.

The two of them sat in silence for a longer period of time than the older man would have liked after that as he open and closed his mouth trying to find the right words to say. That had to be some sort of joke though, after all is there really ever any right words when someone's loved one died as tragically as Kim had?

"Oh god I'm no good at this…" He mumbled slightly as his mind turned a complete blank, if JD heard him, however, he certainly showed no indication of it as he continued to ignore his mentor's presence. "You know what newbie? Seeing as your being just so damm cooperative I think I'll skip the sentimental crap and get to the point, because believe me this right here is my idea of hell!" Dr Cox blurted out as his frustration levels grew; the kid certainly wasn't making it easy for him.

JD, again, didn't respond and as Dr Cox opened his mouth to yell it all out, the sound of a ringing phone stopped him. Neither of them made any attempt to answer it but the resident director was actually glad the accordance had taken place, while it held no significance, it did give the man time to calm himself back down and remind himself how he would feel if the situation was reversed.

"JD." He said again, but this time in a gentler voice than before, concern written all over his face. "Jordan told me that Sam was born a couple of days ago, that she saw you at the hospital visiting him…"

JD lifted his head slightly at that and turned it so he was just able to see the older man, a mixture of emotions running across his face. Of course he should have known that the she devil would have mentioned something to her (ex) husband but he never in a million years thought that Dr Cox would make an effort (a very unwanted effort) to talk to him about it.

"I was quite confused actually, you've been bordering on suicidal the last couple of days and I just knew that if he had been, you would have been jumping though the corridors, probably doing celebratory jumping hugs or something…. Even if he was… ill…" Dr Cox continued, causing JD's eye's to briefly make contact with his. That action instantly sent shivers down the doctor's spine as he realised, just by looking into them properly, how much sorrow was really in them. He couldn't help but ask him self just how no one had noticed that look before?

"So I did a little phoning around and the hospital told me some pretty interesting stuff…" He added, deciding that an extension of the truth was probably the best way to handle the entire situation. JD's face instantly turned grey, even more so than it already was if that was at all possible, the colour around his eyes standing out more than ever.

JD shook his head instantly, over and over and over again, the panic inside of him growing by the second.

No, he couldn't know!

If he did then it would make the situation even more real than it was now and a part of JD just couldn't handle that. A part of him, however small, just thought that as long as no one knew the truth, then the reality of it all would just slip away along with his very existence….

"Why on earth haven't you told anyone about Kim? About the baby?" Dr Cox said, although, once again, it came out harsher than he had meant it to, so harsh in fact it made JD flinch. Dr Cox shook his head at that as he slowly began to notice JD retreating into him self more so than he was before, his eyes begging his boss not to say anything else, begging him to just let the matter drop.

Dr Cox wouldn't, however, he knew from past experience that bottling everything up, pretending like it wasn't real, that everything was a horrible dream, was not good for anyone, which was precisely why he continued to talk.

"I'm serious JD; you need to talk to someone, your mum, turtle head, Carla, just someone because you can't keep going on his path of self destruction, or your going to end up killing yourself."

What came out of JD's mouth next, the first words since they entered the building, were said so quietly that if Dr Cox hadn't been sitting next to him, if the room wasn't deadly silent, he wouldn't have be able to hear it.

"So what."

Dr Cox's eyes instantly grew huge as his head spun to look at JD quicker than a cat chasing its prey, his mouth ajar. He knew the situation was bad, but up until that point he hadn't quite realised how badly it had affected JD.

"You don't mean that!" the man said instantly rubbing at his nose with his index finger, a habit he had when ever something took him by surprise, which wasn't very often.

"Don't I?" was JD's reply as his eyes opened slightly as he turned his head to the side to face his mentor, his heart thumping so hard in his chest that he was sure it was going to slice its way out.

Leaning back in the chair, Dr Cox put his hands on his head and let out a long breath as he pushed his head back against the soft pillow. For a moment he remained like that before he sat up straight again and turned back to look at JD who had turned away from him once more, his eyes completely downcast as he shivered slightly, still unbelievably cold despite his dry clothes.

"Why haven't you told anybody?" he eventually asked, deciding to just let that matter drop for a while. He would deal with the apparent suicidal thoughts later… much later if he could help it, but for now he just needed to concentrate on getting the younger man to talk, he didn't care what it was about, but he had to somehow show the guy there were people around who listened.

"Who would care?" he replied simply, causing Dr Cox to crease his brow in confusion, not understanding his response.

"Okay, I know the whole yelling, punching, equipment destroying, intern bashing, side of you has brought your friends to question why it is that they hang around with someone who has PMS issues the way you do. But you can't honestly believe that they would stop caring about you just like that? With a click of a finger? Newbie you have been a permanent fixture in their lives for God only knows how long! They wouldn't just stop caring because you haven't been your self. Hell you're more married to Carla's husband than she is!" Dr Cox replied with a slight chuckle, sure he had noticed a slight distance between JD and the 'J-Dettes' but nothing which would warrant him to truly believe something like that? That no one would care that the mother of his child was dead!

JD rubbed at his eyes in response, making them sting even more as the sore skin cracked a little and the tears rolled down his cheeks. He shook his head and dragged his hands down his face, before turning his attention to the curly haired man, his eyes hardening slightly, like he was blocking his emotions from reaching them.

"I thought that, but its amazing how grief can give you new perspectives on things!" JD replied blinking at an alarming rate as he wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to get warm. Dr Cox didn't say a word in response, instead he just waited, knowing that eventually JD would elaborate and he would have a slightly bigger picture of what was going on inside his head, "They all just think I'm some huge pain in the ass with pathetic problems which couldn't even be compared to their own. Those so called friends of mine haven't even once asked me why I haven't 'been myself'. They don't care; they even said to me they're fed up of 'taking care of me' and that I'm on my own. All they care about is there own little lives, because anything I go though is just 'me being me'. Everything that happens is all because of me; I'm to blame for everything."

JD stopped talking after that and rested his arms on his legs, covering his eyes with his hands as he took irregular breathes, trying to calm himself down, not wanting to embarrass himself anymore than he just had. For a moment he had actually forgotten it was Dr Cox he was talking to.

The older doctor actually looked taken aback at that, not thinking for even a second that things between him and his friends had gotten so bad he wouldn't even tell them something like his girlfriend dying. It was still hard to accept the normally happy JD was sitting in his home wishing he didn't exist, but to think that the distance between him and Gandhi wasn't just because of the things he was going though was quite hard to comprehend.

"I tried to tell them, once, I tried to tell them what had happened, but Turk just walked away and got angry that I hadn't watched… a show…And Carla and Elliot said it was my fault and that I should stop messing things up…. I know it is but… I just…I just…" He couldn't finish his sentence, so instead trailed of as a ripple of anguish hit him big time, it was his fault, he knew that, his fault entirely, he should have helped her, he should have seen the warning signs… but he didn't and now she was dead. They were right, all of them were right, he had pulled a Dorian, he had screwed up and Kim had paid the price.

It was almost like Dr Cox could read his mind as his mouth opened slightly and took the form of an O shape, his eyes closing in realisation. While it was obvious the guy had a serious case of bereavement and fatherly worry, the man suddenly realised where the anger was actually coming from. He wasn't mad because Kim had died, he was mad at himself, whether he realised it or not, he was mad at himself for not saving her, for failing her…. He thought he had let her die by not knowing she was ill…

"It's okay…" Dr Cox said in a rather ragged voice as he literally forced his hand onto the guy's shoulder, hoping it would be some sort of a… comfort? That it would send a message that he understood even? "Newbie, do you remember what I told you when Jill died?" He asked as a new idea struck him, he didn't however even get an acknowledgment from the younger man that he had heard him, not that deep down, he was expecting one. "I told you that you can't go blaming yourself for deaths which were not your fault!" He continued putting great emphasis on the last part as he tightened his grip on the attending's shoulder. "And I bloody well meant what I said after that as well, im not going to let that ruin another good doctor, especially not you!"

JD just shrugged his shoulders before he unfolded himself slightly and rested his head against the back of the sofa, his tired eyes closing once again as he continued to shiver, he had heard what the man said, but just wasn't sure how to respond to that, no matter what he said, he still knew it was his fault. That if Kim was a patient he would get the blame shoved so far down his throat he would choke on it, that he had to be the crappiest doctor in history not to realise someone's heart was failing and that they were in some serious trouble… unfortunately it was Kim who had paid the price for his own incompetence.

Doctor Cox's hand was soon removed from his shoulder and JD felt the tell tale signs of someone getting up from their seat as the bottom part of the sofa he was sitting on, still all curled up, rose slightly. He didn't have the energy to look up to see where he had gone though, he just kept his eyes firmly shut, wishing he wasn't even a part of the world anymore, that he had died instead of Kim.

If that had happened, at least he wouldn't have to deal with the immense aloneness which flooded though him; at least he wouldn't have had to deal with the knowledge his friends didn't care, he could have just died, blissfully unaware of their true feelings.

"It comes to something when the person who hates you the most, is the only one who sees something is wrong," JD mumbled, more to himself than Doctor Cox. The older man, however, still heard him and he flinched at that as he walked back over to the couch, placing a heavy blanket over the thirty year old.

"I don't hate you," he replied as he stared down at the younger man. Then, realising he was completely gone, shook his head and added, "Despite the annoying pansy you are."

(a/n) Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all had a fantastic day, thanks for all the wonderful reviews and i hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Have a happy new year!