Chapter 11- For better or for worse

Basically, being suspended from the hospital, left me a lot of time to, well...think… Unfortunately I didn't like any of the thoughts which came into my head or the events which followed.

I couldn't stand being at home, around everything that reminded me of Kim…. The smell of her perfume, the cupboards full of spicy Monster Munch chips (one of her many pregnancy cravings), her clothes tossed everywhere, the photo's which littered the walls, it was all just too much.

So instead, for nearly a week now, I have been sat at the hospital, in front of my son's incubator, barely moving.

As soon as I arrived today though, I realised something was seriously wrong, their were nurses running about everywhere, doctors yelling words which my brain refused to translate and the horrible sound of a flat lining heart monitor….

As I stood in the door way, my heart literally in my throat, words can't even describe the absolute devastation I felt as one of the men almost whispered 'time of death', in fact if I wasn't three feet away from them I wouldn't have even heard it, if I wasn't there when it all took place, I would never have believed it even happened.

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Thursday 27th March 7.02 am

The room emptied pretty quickly after those three words left the man's mouth, as everyone mumbled their condolences.

"There was nothing we could do, I am so sorry," The older doctor said, his eyes blurring slightly as he glanced back to the baby lying motionless in the incubator, a defibrillator standing just a few feet away. This was the part he hated most about his job, having to tell a parent about the death of their child, a helpless little infant who hadn't done anything to deserve such a short almost meaningless life.

He was so sure that everything was going to work out okay, that that child would be leaving the hospital a few months down the line with a loving family. Of all of his patients he was given at the start of the week, he never in a million years thought he would have to rush into the special care baby unit and try and resuscitate one who wasn't even on his list.

Mumbling once more how sorry he was and if there was anything he could do he would, the grey haired man left the room.

JD could only shake his head in disbelief though, his eyes locked on the child laying a few meters in front of him. It was almost like he was detaching himself from the situation, pretending that it was just a normal day at Sacred Heart and the baby was just another patient, that he had no connection to it what so ever.

The young girl, Amy, who he had struck a sort of friendship with, ran straight over to him and collapsed in his arms moments later, tears pouring down her face as her whole body shook. He hadn't even realised she was there, but apparently she too had been in the room the whole time, though unlike him, she had been there when the warning alarms started going off, when the doctors had first ran into the ward and when that damn defibrillator was wheeled in.

JD was almost too stunned to respond as he stared at the sight in front of him, his own body going completely numb in disbelief. This wasn't right! None of this was right! It shouldn't have happened; everything was fine only four hours ago…. What on earth had gone wrong in the few hours he had been away? How on earth was he staring at the dead body of a child? A child who doctors had said had a greater chance of surviving then they first thought?

After a few minutes he returned her hug, his arms embracing her tightly as he let a single tear roll down his cheek. There was only one thing going though his mind as he stared at that damn incubator that was supposed to keep premature babies alive, do any babies that poorly ever stand a chance?

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Six days, six days was how long ago Dr Cox had made the phone call and how long it apparently took the man he had phoned to make it from his home town to the hospital. Despite his frustrations at this, when he saw him walking down sacred hearts corridor, the older man almost smiled.

Sure there was a stench of alcohol which followed but that didn't really matter, the guy after all was known for not handling emotional situations well and it didn't take a genius to realise just why it had taken so long to get to the hospital, you could smell him a mile away.

Still, at least he had turned up, somewhat sober yet clearly suffering from the night before and in the need of a very cold shower.

His almost smile instantly turned to a frown however as he saw Elliot walking towards him, her brow creased in confusion as she approached the man no one had seen since the death of Sam Dorian three and a half years ago.

"Dan?" She cried out instantly, her white private practise coat flying outwards as she stormed forward. "What on earth are you doing here?"

The dark haired man looked at her for a moment with a completely blank expression, and then ever so slowly he turned his body to greet her, put on his usual cheesy grin and indicated with his thumb towards Dr Cox, who was by now standing opposite them both.

"He rang me," He replied simply like it was the most obvious answer in the world and that she was an idiot for not already knowing that.

"Oh... Why?" Was all Elliot could say in response as she glanced towards the man she had always feared with a questioning look, wondering what on earth he was playing at. She knew all to well how much he loved tormenting JD and couldn't help but wonder what sick game he was playing by calling Dan… Just what was he trying to achieve by calling someone who would more than likely make JD one hundred times worse?

Dan looked at her once again as if she had grown two heads before he looked over to Dr Cox who was shaking his own head as he tapped his nose with his index finger, his arms folded, trying to convey the message for the younger man not to say a word until they had spoken.

Dan of course wasn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed and just turned back to Elliot, oblivious to the message he was receiving.

"Because of Kim obviously…." He replied as Dr Cox slowly closed his eyes, his teeth grinding together as a feeling of pure dread washed over him. Sure he thought keeping what had happened a secret was wrong and that people deserved to know, but he knew it wasn't his place to announce it to the whole hospital… just to the kid's older brother…. The rest was up to JD.

"Kim?" Elliot replied, her mouth hanging open slightly as she tilted her head to one side in confusion.

"Yeah, and I know what your thinking, I haven't got the best track record with being there for people, it's not really my thing… but still Johnny is my little brother and he needs me…" Dan continued, doing nothing to help Elliot's obvious puzzlement.

"…So… What are you saying? That JD couldn't fix things between them? They've split up for good?" She asked as her brow creased even more and she blew the bangs out of her face.

"Split up? What are you talking about? Kim is d…." Dan replied but never got the chance to finish as he was instantly cut of as Dr Cox literally sprang forward and grabbed the man by his shirt, stopping him before that last word could come out.

"I think we should go see your brother…" he said in a low growl as he pulled Dan forward causing the man to stumble slightly. " Oh and run along now Barbie for I am pretty sure you have got some people who are unfortunate enough to be referred to as 'your patients' to see…? Oh and while we are on the subject of patients, the teenager down the hall has been asking for his morphine for about an hour now…Now, i know what your thinking why do I care about the guy, well seeing as he's had half his arm detached from his body i think maybe you should, like any good doctor, comply with that n-hot so little request."

With that he turned and left, pulling a very confused Dan along with him. In the background he could just about hear the blonde crazy woman scream out a 'Frick' as she sped off towards Mr Thomas's room.

"Okay was the Barbie bit really necessary?" Dan said after he forced his arm out of Dr Cox's grip and came to a stop by the elevator.

Dr Cox just shook his head as he looked down at the man, hitting the ground floor button on the elevator panel in the process. What had possessed him to think phoning the guy was a good idea?

"Yes… Yes it was, because you see Dan, Barbie describes that ditzy sell out perfectly…" he replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"So why did you drag me away? She does know about Kim right?" Dan replied as he tilted his head to one side, much like JD when ever he was having one of his little fancies.

" No she does not… why? Because your brother decided to nawt tell anyone about Kim's ultimate demise or the fact his son could go pretty much the same way.. And although I would just love for you to tell everyone and save me the hassle, right now I don't think he could handle the grovelling trio," Dr Cox replied, causing Dan to raise his eye brows slightly and look at him in disbelief.

"Huh?" The ex bartender grunted, causing Dr Cox to roll his eyes as the two of them simultaneously stepped into the elevator as the doors opened.

"Elliot does not know that Kim is dead and JD's son is on life support… so don't you go and tell her … did I put that simply enough or do you need me to say it s l o w e r?" The doctor continued in a voice so frustrated that Dan actually averted his eyes as he turned away to face the wall behind him. That wasn't exactly the part he was confused about, but the look he was receiving actually sent shivers down his spine, forcing Dan to turn away, shut his mouth and glance down at the only other thing someone could look at in an elevator... the floor.

"Umm...Coxy...Why is there a dead body on the floor?"

Dr Cox glanced at the younger man out of the corner of his eye for a moment or two before looking down in the direction he was evidentially pointing at.

"Nervous guy…" He growled before shaking his head and walking towards the metal doors as a familiar ping filled the box. "That guy is going to get this hell hole shut down one of these days."

Without any further explanation he walked straight over to the main exit, obviously expecting the slightly younger man to follow him without question, much like his brother used to. Dan briefly looked over his shoulder at the large black bag on the floor, his face screwed up in a mixture of disgust and bewilderment, before he shrugged his shoulders and reluctantly chased after Dr Cox, he had more important things to worry about than why someone would leave a rotting body in a lift.

As soon as the doors closed once again, unknown to the duo, a certain Doug Murphy sat up from his position on the floor, pushing hard at the dead person who he was stuck underneath, trying to move the body enough for him to stand, a startled and slightly worried expression on his face…

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Thursday 27th march 9.30 am

Sitting next to Sam's incubator, JD was visibly shaking as he stared down at his baby boy. Amy had long ago left, saying she needed to be alone. Not that JD could blame her, if the situation was reversed he was sure he would want some time to himself too and not be in the company of someone whose baby was currently still alive.

He didn't have a clue how he would have reacted if it was Sam who they were unable to bring back. The death of little Alaska really hit home that his son was living on borrowed time.

Alaska, apparently named because that was where her father lived, had been born with only one lung and eight weeks premature… but the doctors had given her a 70% chance of pulling though, much higher than they would even dream of giving Sam… yet she had been the one to pass away… not him.

A part of JD couldn't help but feel guilty about that, that his son, who had flat lined more times than he cared to remember, who had to have surgery just two days ago was still fighting for his life, where as the baby everyone was sure would be okay, was currently in a draw in the mortuary. It somehow just didn't seem right.

Not that JD was complaining, far from it, but it didn't give him much hope for his son ever making it to even a month old, not when a baby with much higher chances than he had, had passed to the other side.

Putting his hand into the incubator JD began stroking his son's paper thin skin once again, the horrible thoughts on how much time the child actually had flowing though his mind, one thing was for sure… it didn't look good.

As he continued to tenderly stroke his son, JD made a silent wish, that if the little boy was really going to leave this world and go and live with his mum, then it would be when he wasn't there, because as much as he loved his little boy, much like Amy, he didn't think he could handle standing in the room as people battled to save him. He didn't have the strength to watch one more person he loved die, he just didn't.

A soft knock on the door behind him, caused JD to abandon his thoughts and turn around, looking slightly perplexed as no one ever knocked before entering the ICU.

As Dan and Dr Cox slid in though the door way, both looking solemnly at the incubator next to where JD was sitting, the first time father found he just couldn't question why Dan was there, instead he stood up and fell into his brother's arms as Dan gave him an awkward one armed hug, clearly having no idea what he was supposed to do.

"How's he doing?" Dr Cox asked after clearing his throat slightly a few minutes later, clearly uncomfortable with the situation, still he was determined that he wouldn't be a complete jackass and just turn around and leave.

JD instantly broke away from Dan and turned to face his mentor folding his arms nervously around himself as he sat back down next to his son.

"Better than Alaska," he mumbled before he could stop himself as he sank down in his chair and stared at the empty incubator down the hall where Amy's daughter used to lay, his eyes darkening over.

Dr Cox just looked at him strangely, wondering if he was having some sort of daydream, as Dan pulled a face and shrugged.

"Well that's good, I guess… because those ice caps have like twenty years left in them…" Dan replied, looking at his brother with nothing but confusion. Doctor Cox meanwhile turned to face him a look of pure disbelief written across his own face as he shook his head, choosing given the situation and where they were currently standing, to just let that one go.

"Alaska is… or rather was… Amy's daughter, she died," JD continued, not taking his eyes of that one spot, causing the older doctor to follow his gaze over to the empty corner, his heart sinking a little as he realised how emotionless the man sounded, that wasn't JD… the man he knew never talked about a person like their life meant nothing.

"Who's Amy?"

"Does it matter? The point is that that little girl had a 70 percent chance of surviving and she didn't… the doctors wont even give Sam a 10 percent chance…," JD replied as his eyes drifted over to his brother, who looked just as stunned as Dr Cox at how deflated he sounded.

"Okay what on earth happened to my little brother? Don't give up on your son just yet!" Dan ordered as he grabbed a spare chair from behind him and twirled it around so he was sitting with the back of the seat in front of him, his legs draped over each side.

When JD said nothing in response, Dan glanced up to Dr Cox who had remained by the door, silently begging him to say something, hoping that two emotionally crippled narcissists really would make up to one decent human being who could help the thirty year old for a second time.

Shaking his head, Dr Cox reluctantly stepped forward so he was in JD's line of sight and stared down at the younger man.

"Newbie, listen to me, do you remember what I told you a few years ago? Statistics mean nothing, 99% of all a appendectomy patients go though the operation without any complications, whilst 99% of people with brain tumours unfortunately pass. However we have both known patients with cancer that have lived, but an appendectomy case that has died. Stop pretending for even a minute that statistics mean anything; you know for a fact that when it comes to an individual they are pretty much useless numbers strung together. Sam has already defied the odds by making it this far, so what makes you honestly believe that he won't continue to do that. He is fighting every second of every day, so man up and start fighting with him instead of being the pathetic girl you always are and giving up, because he deserves so much better than that."

JD instantly lifted his head slightly to look up at Dr Cox, as the elder man and Dan inwardly cringed at his harsh tone, knowing full well he could take that one of two ways. He would either accept what Dr Cox said and stop thinking so negatively or decide Sam deserved better than him and sulk of. Thankfully for all of them, it didn't seem to be the latter as JD nodded in response and offered them a small smile.

"Good, now unlike the two of you, I actually have work to do and come on let's face it, that damm hospital would fall apart with out me," with that Dr Cox turned around and headed back towards the door, but not before signalling for Dan to follow him.

The ex-bartender instantly rose to his feet and followed the elder man just out of JD's hearing range.

"Keep an eye on him, if he wants to talk let him, if he doesn't then sit there quietly and don't you dare head down to the local pub. If he starts screaming and throwing things at random people, call me and I'll get the number of a grief counsellor," he said in a low voice before handing Dan a card with his number on, poison almost literally rolling off his tongue, it was after all no secret what he thought of certain doctors whose only interest was in screwing with peoples minds.

Dan simply nodded and as he turned back to his brother, Dr Cox slowly but surely left the room, figuring the two Dorian's were better left alone. Besides, he actually had work that needed to be done that he couldn't pass on to the interns even if he wanted to.

As he headed out of the building, Dr Cox glanced down at his pager and was slightly taken back at the amount of missed messages he had received, he hadn't even heard his pager going off. Scrolling though all thirteen texts his face got considerably whiter with everyone he read till only one word could escape his mouth.

"Crap."

(a/n) So who thought it was Sam that was dead? Come on admit it who thought it was Sam? Sorry but I couldn't resist doing that it added something to the chapter, I tried it with writing it was Amy's daughter straight away but it didn't have the same impact… now the question is, what's happened over at sacred heart during Cox's absence…