Takes place a week after the previous drabble named 'Helmet'. Before Alchera.

"That's twenty-three, Shepard. You're bust. Pay up."

Kaidan hears Wrex's booming voice as he winds around crates in the cargo bay. Shepard has stocked up on weapons the last time they docked in port and the cargo still needs stowed away. She seems to have taken advantage of the clutter and set up some sort of clandestine gambling arena.

He stumbles around a crate as high as his head and hovers at the edge for a moment watching her. To him, she looks very pretty. Her hair is loose and seems to have grown a lot lately; it's edging down her shoulders. She's dressed down in her usual blue utility pants and has somehow found a N7 hoodie that she's zipped up over her shirt. Kaidan thinks she looks strangely swamped in it and young.

She's laughing, joking with Wrex and mock punching him in the shoulder.

There's a rush of fierce affection for her deep somewhere inside him. It's not even related to how he can't seem to keep his hands off her lately, it's the kind where he wants to hug her and make her happy.

That love, that desire to protect her is warm and comfortable but also tinged with a hard edge of...fear. Their situation is so tenuous. He could be ordered to transfer by the brass and not be allowed to be with her anymore. He might not be allowed to stick around to watch her back. Assignments weren't permanent. They risked their lives every day.

But he didn't think he could bear it if she risked her life a last time and lost it.

"Oh come on now Wrex, buddy, old pal. Just let this one slide?" Shepard winks at the krogan, clearly putting her most transparently charming face on.

It's a failure; Kaidan wouldn't even be able to look at her seriously. She makes him laugh with the silly faces she pulls; the way she thinks she's extremely crafty.

He leans on the crate and crosses his arms watching them banter. Her eyes flicker over to him, she knows he's there but is content to let him watch.

"No, give me my creds or we re-enact that vid 'The Spectre and the Merc – It's Payback Time.'" Wrex threatens her, his red eyes gleaming in amusement.

Liara eyes the two of them with a kind of bright interest. "I have not seen that vid. I am told it is quite violent."

Kaidan is surprised to see her there, the asari is the last person he would expect to see drinking or pretending to have the savvy that gambling at cards requires.

Shepard turns to Liara and chirps helpfully, "The best kind of vid, if you ask me. I think I have a copy on my 'tool somewhere, I can make Kaidan hunt it down and you and I can watch it-"

Wrex gets impatient with her distraction tactics. "Shepard."

"Wrex." She responds with narrowed eyes.

"Pay up."

She throws a pile of cards on the overturned crate they are using as a table. Kaidan watches them flutter colorfully around her face. "Fine, fine. Ya big, old, fat dinosaur. I hope you choke on these creds."

She dutifully doles them out to him, counting them like a miser to not give him a single credit chit extra.

He laughs again, clinking them together in his massive palms. "Such a bloodthirsty attitude for such a tiny creature. You would make a good krogan. Sure you can't run off with me, ditch Alenko and have my krogan babies?"

Shepard throws Kaidan a smirk. "Sure, sounds like fun."

Knowing his game of just watching her is up he pads closer to their little group, Liara looks up at him surprised but Wrex is unmoved.

"Did I just get replaced?" He laughs at her, eyebrows raised.

"Hey there." She smiles warmly and takes a swig out of the bottle of beer that she had set on the floor. Looking closely Kaidan can see numerous bottles scattered around, mostly clustered around Wrex but to his surprise quite a few are piled with Liara.

"You sure did." Shepard continues. "What can I say? You don't have four balls like this side of beef."

She reaches around and pats Wrex on (what Kaidan assumes is) his ass, right above that little stump of a vestigial tail.

Wrex broad grin widens and his great maroon eyes swing mockingly doleful to Kaidan's brown. "You snooze, you lose, Alenko. Isn't that what humans say? We'll name one of the kids after you."

Kaidan barks a laugh. "Thanks Wrex, just what I always wanted."

"No problem. I'm a magnanimous, reasonable krogan."

"Uh huh."

Shepard grins and cuts into their staring contest. "Want a drink? You're off duty right?"

He nods and she cracks open one bare-handed and passes it to him. Kaidan goes to sit at her side, on a smaller overturned crate she is using as a stool. He looks quizzically at her possession of so much alcohol and she shrugs.

"Joker apparently snuck some aboard and I confiscated it. He threw a mini-fit, but he shouldn't try and sneak shit by me. If he'd asked first, I would have helped him sneak it by Pressly." Kaidan frowns but she ignores him.

"Chakwas said he shouldn't be drinking anyway. " Shepard puts a prim expression on her face, imitating Chakwas. "She keeps telling him, 'what if you fall over and break a leg?' So I am doing my Commander duty with Wrex and Liara and drinking up."

"You're all heart, Shepard." He says and she rolls a shoulder as if to say: 'I know, I'm obviously wonderful.'

"Kaidan, would you like to play with us?" Liara asks him kindly. "Shepard has been teaching us this wonderful game. Obviously, it is a simple game of chance and mathematics but it is quite stimulating and-"

"Liara, honey." Shepard places a hand on the asari's shoulder. "You're over thinking it again. Have some more beer and just relax."

Liara flushes a little, but Kaidan can tell she is pleased with the attention Shepard is paying to her.

"Alright, Shepard. I am just not used...to this. It is fun."

He almost laughs at her eager expression but holds it back in case she thinks that he's making fun of her. Liara is older than both he and Shepard put together but...she's so close to a sheltered college student, who maybe reads a lot in her spare time and doesn't get out much.

"I'm a fun gal." Shepard says and Liara giggles, her pretty purple lips upturned in an adoring grin.

Wrex laughs mockingly, obviously he thinks that Shepard cannot be considered fun unless there are shotguns and bloodshed and betrayal involved.

Shepard slaps him on the arm. "Shut up Wrex, no one asked you."

They play blackjack for a little while, Kaidan doing ok for himself. Shepard keeps losing and she seems to get progressively grumpier at the fact. He starts to get a little worried actually, she's not even faking it anymore, there's a deep crease between her brows. She stops drinking and Kaidan thinks, as she fakes a smile at Wrex, that maybe it's not losing at cards that is bothering her.

The next hand she throws her cards down. "Guys, I'm going to bed. I'll get you back tomorrow, Wrex. Guess who needs to wear the phoenix armor?"

The krogan eyes her incredulously and Kaidan has the suspicion that expression is usually reserved for situations in which life support is cut off by murderous old merc friends.

"You wouldn't." Wrex says.

"Krogan wives never give an inch." She retorts to Wrex, sticking her tongue out. "I will accept being bankrupt by you, just for the sight of you all pretty in pink."

"Yeah well, you're dropping me off on Tuchanka in a few days anyway. I will be glad to escape the tyranny of your rule. A radioactive wasteland will be paradise without your ugly mug ruining my day."

Liara laughs a little too loudly, Kaidan is sure she is pretty wasted.

Shepard smiles another tight smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes and gets up.

But she wavers, wobbling on the spot threateningly. Kaidan stands suddenly, grabbing her arm to catch her weight before she falls. He can feel her knees buckle a little before her head clears and she shrugs off his aid.

"Woah." She pants, her eyes crossing a little.

"You alright?"

She turns a little red. "Yeah, yeah. Fine. Didn't realize I had drank that much."

He looks at her small pile of beer and privately thinks he has seen her drink far more than that. Biotics barely get a buzz from that amount, Wrex and Liara's massive pile of beer can attest to that.

"I'll walk you to your cabin."

"No! No. It's fine, Kaidan." Her eyes settle for a moment on Liara and Wrex, she's embarrassed by his concern in front of them. "Don't worry. Stay here, enjoy your drink."

So he does, and half pays attention to their next round, wishing he could escape to go check on her.

Eventually Liara stumbles off with mumbles that she is going to lie down and Kaidan gives up any pretence with Wrex.

He heads straight to her cabin, thankful most of the crew is sleeping and he can cross the mess undisturbed to her door.

She opens it all rumpled, wearing one of his oversized shirts and no pants.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey."

She frowns at him, not moving out of the doorway to let him in. "I thought we said we should be a little more discreet? Wrex and Liara already know, I'm sure and that's enough. We don't want to-"

Kaidan's brows furrow, unconsciously mirroring her unhappy expression. "I was worried. You look pale."

"I'm not actually feeling so hot." She says quietly. Her next words are almost whispered in shame. "I can't sleep. I miss you when you're not here."

His heart gives a painful little thump and he reaches a hand out to play with a lock of her wavy hair.

"I miss you too."

Shepard bites her lip; almost like she knows what she says shouldn't be uttered out loud but not able to help herself.

"Maybe you can lie down with me for a little while? Just a little?" She asks hopefully. "I mean, we'll try and stop this from now on, save it for shore leave. But one more time? I just...I just don't feel right, right now."

"Yeah." He answers and knows he shouldn't. He's been falling asleep in her bed more and more often lately. Their Rules are starting to breakdown. The general crew can't find out about them.

He doesn't know what to do but Shepard needs him tonight and he doesn't think he can deny her anything.

She moves aside to let him in and locks the door, then pads shakily to her bed. The covers are twisted as if she's been tossing and turning. Kaidan straightens them, takes off his shoes and then curls up beside her turned back, wrapping his arm around her stomach and rests his chin on her shoulder, smelling her hair and slightly musky skin. She sighs, a little comforted sound. She's still a tight little ball of tension though, and he can feel faint tremors occasionally rippling through her.

"Shep, you're shaking."

"I drank too much." She says curtly. "It's upset my stomach. I feel pretty bad. Don't fuss."

"Maybe you should see Chakwas?"

"No." She's firm and little cranky at him so he lets it go.

"Alright."

Kaidan can't stand to just lie here though; her hands are holding his over her stomach, gripping a little bit too tightly for comfort as if she is fighting a war with showing weakness and nausea in her head.

"Hang on for a moment, ok?" He whispers. "I'm gonna go get something."

"What?" She turns to look at him, not pleased with the jostling as he gets out of bed.

"It'll make you feel better, trust me." He quickly crosses to her tiny bathroom. It doesn't even have a shower, it's barely the size of a linen closet but it does have a toilet and a wash basin. He grabs what he needs and hops back in beside her.

Carefully, he turns her face towards him and gently moves the wet, cool washcloth over her cheeks and forehead. Shepard's eyes squeeze shut, some of the tension from around them leaking away. He moves the soft material over her closed eyelids and she sighs. Her face is milky white, her little freckles over the bridge of her nose and cheeks look stark and harsh.

"My mother used to do this for me when I got migraines, it's soothing," he murmurs.

"My mother didn't."

Her voice is bitter and cold. Kaidan wants to kill the monster who made her sound that way.

"I know, baby." He says instead, gentle as he can manage.

"Baby?" She snaps her eyes open.

His face heats up, that was an accident. It's not like them to be so mushy. "Ouch. Sorry, it just slipped out."

She sighs and closes her eyes again, a small smile hovering at the corner of her mouth like a ghost of happier times. "Normally I would have a witty come-back, something to make you blush. But I'm just tired, Kaidan."

He pauses in the path he is making down her sweaty neck with the washcloth. "Shepard...you're worrying me. What's wrong?"

She keeps her eyes closed and turns away from him again. "The Council. This mission. We shouldn't be doing this." He throws the washcloth on the floor and spoons her back again. He's concerned but trying not to show it. She twines her legs with his and continues. "They're stalling us, they've shuffled us off to hunt down these geth and we should be hunting Reapers. They've sent an advanced warship as a cleanup crew."

He voice rises a little, anger lacing through it and he tries to soothe her. "They need time to accept it. The Reapers are a big thing to wrap your head around; we've talked about this before."

"Do you really think that?" She asks, "I want your honest opinion. You know the political scene better than me."

He considers and knows she doesn't want baseless comfort right now.

"...No. Shepard, I think they're terrified. And it's blinding them."

"They're...they're not the only ones." She whispers half to the darkness, half not meant for him to hear.

"You're scared?"

He wasn't sure what he had been thinking. Shepard's so brave all the time, so full of bravado. He knows she's human and gets frightened like everyone else. She really doesn't like husks...or the corruption they represent.

But...this seems different from the usual fear of being killed.

"Not for me." She shakes her head. Kaidan rolls her over and she rests her head on his shoulder as he wraps his arms around her back. "I'm scared of what the Reapers will do when they roll in. Because they will, and we won't be prepared."

"We'll prepare. We'll do our best." He says and knows he means that. He'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe, to keep his parents on Earth safe. They're all he really has in the galaxy, his small family. The Reapers better not mess with them. Better not mess with her.

"I'm scared that our best isn't good enough." Shepard shoots down his optimistic statement and he can think of nothing to say. She's stopped shaking, maybe the confession has calmed her a little.

She doesn't shut her eyes again though, and they lay there face to face for long minutes. He tries to memorize how she looks; her limpid eyes, her galaxies of faint freckle clusters, the little lines on her face around her mouth and between her eyebrows, the strands of hair on her forehead.

And he thinks that maybe she is doing the same to him.

Eventually she speaks, "Kaidan...I'm afraid of losing you."

"You won't lose me. I promise." He responds fiercely.

"You can't promise that."

Kaidan sighs. "Well, I can promise I'm going to fight for you. I'm going to do all I can to keep us together."

She nods, satisfied. "I want you to kiss me and hold me and I don't want to think anymore."

"Ok. I can do that." He kisses her then, gently on the lips and forehead like they have been together all their lives. She buries her head against his chest then, a fist tucked up under her chin and eventually she falls asleep with dark smudges of fatigue under her eyes.

Kaidan worries and says: "I love you."

She's lost in dreams.

The darkness doesn't answer him.

He doesn't sleep but he doesn't slip away in the night either.