Ch. 20

This man is my father? What a sick twisted irony this truly is. I want to strangle him and yet at the same time I want to hug him-for finally being there for me. What an idiot my father was-who leaves a four-year-old girl? A selfish man, that's who. So many conflicting emotions-I bet if my father never left my mother wouldn't have played ping pong between men. If he never left I wouldn't have been raped. It's useless to dream about what would have been-for I know nothing I do now can change the past.

"I am sorry did I hear you say that you're my father? No you can't be. A father watches his little girl grow up. Do you know how much I hated you when my school had father daughter dances? I would always be paired up with mother's pathetic boyfriends. And don't even pretend that paying child support makes you my father. What gives you the right to come into my life now?"

I looked at him as though his eyes were the windows into his soul. For so long I needed to tell him how pathetic and cruel he truly is. "Maybe I didn't have a right Tori…and I am sorry for that. But I saw your story on the news and followed it. The media was my only link to you. I left 12 years ago Tori- and I know I hurt you. But I thought by coming into your life this way-by helping you-and Beck. I thought maybe just maybe I could mend things a little…"

I thought about this-he is "trying" to be here for me. "I can't forgive you yet-I just can't. I do thank you for helping, Beck. But did you really think by coming into my life this way that the past would be forgiven and disappear into nothingness? Surely you knew better. Well enough of that. Do the other cops know we are related?" I asked while rolling my eyes and changing the subject as quickly as I could.

"No after I left the family- I changed my name to Jay Hamilton. It is my mother's father's name. I did it so your mother wouldn't find me."

"Well congrats we lost all contact with you! Mom went into therapy and Trina tried to fill the role of mother and said FUCK IT! I don't even understand why you left. It makes no sense to me. I am too upset about Beck right now to discuss our family issues."

I know I should stay and work something out with my father but it is just too hard. All I can think about is the pain he has caused my family-me.

"Excuse me dad, I mean Zachary, I need to see Beck since I am still a bit shaken up about Andy and Andre breaking into Beck's trailer."

"Fine, but we need to know if you are going to stay with Cat this week. If you would like Tori…" "It's Miss Vega to you." "If you would like Miss Vega we could take your stuff to her house for you."

"That would be helpful, thanks dad, I mean Zachary." And with that I depart my father-depart my past.

I find my way to the hospital and almost make it into Beck's room. Before I open the door I see Cat beside my Beck. What a good friend she is-I think to myself. I then begin to hear raised voices.

"Beck-I did it I protected Tori for you. I did it for you-because I want to see you happy. But I am tired of seeing you with her. Isn't it time you were with me? You know I have feelings for you Beck!"

"I know Cat, I am sorry I choose Tori. I am flattered you have feelings for me but I can't leave Tori for you. She is special to me. What are you going to do Cat? Are you still going to be friends with her or what?"

"Yes I am still going to be friends with her…I am just jealous Beck. I need time away from both of you. So I have decided to go to college at a university in New York City. I need time to get over you Beck, and be my own person away from Tori."

"I think that's best little red. And don't worry we can still visit you on weekends."

"Yeah I don't want to lose Tori over my feelings for you. Good bye for now Beck and thanks for listening."

I quickly run away from the door so Cat doesn't know I overheard everything. I am unsure what to think of Cat. I am glad Beck chose me-but Cat…my Cat why didn't she come to me? Why didn't she tell me? And now she is running away to New York City for college. Perhaps Beck is right it is for the best. For now we will see what happens.