Content warning for sexual situations.
"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travellers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all the stars are silent. You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them-"
- The Little Prince
Antoine de Saint Exupéry
All night, she and Kaidan have been making eyes at each other. His gaze is heated, and endlessly dark. His brown eyes look black, smoldering with repressed desire in the Normandy's dim lighting. Shepard is sure her pupils are dilated too, and when he passes her the salt at dinner time a shock arcs between them.
No one else at the table seems to be aware, Tali goes on chatting with Liara and Chakwas is lecturing Joker again on his fatty food habit. Shepard bumps Kaidan's leg as he sits next to her, and he almost jumps out of his seat. She does it again, on purpose this time and he doesn't jump again, instead he presses back and she has to bite her lip to keep from smiling. They don't need the extra attention from the crew, but the warm weight of his thigh against hers is a talisman against fear.
Ilos looms, hours close. Normandy speeds towards it, star-driven.
Doom-driven.
Joker says they have eight hours until they arrive at the planet where Saren's plans have all come together. Shepard is wired, excited and terrified. They might all die tomorrow in a last ditch stand at saving the galaxy but she's going to fight until there's nothing left to give.
But tonight she wants to have a moment to take something she's been aching for. If she has to give all, well there's no use in holding back what she's been feeling for months now.
She doesn't speak at dinner, just shovels down her food. Kaidan doesn't speak either. He opens his mouth a few times, his Adam's apple bobbing but can't seem to be able to find the words. Usually, they would chat all dinner, half-forgetting to eat their food, distracted with each other and the way they can talk about nothing for hours. He usually tells funny stories in that quiet, dry and understated way of his that has her clutching her sides in helpless laughter. Wrex or Garrus often have to tell them to shut up and let everyone else eat in peace.
Not tonight.
She gets up and as she leans over to collect her empty tray, she thinks that she catches a snatch of the scent of his aftershave.
Shepard has to restrain herself from grabbing him by the front of his shirt and banging him on the table to crawl on top of him and have her wicked way.
He's driving her insane.
Instead she carefully over reaches for her tray, purposefully getting too close to him, pressing her chest against his arm and then walks away to put the tray in the small kitchenette.
She glances back sneakily and notices he's staring back at her wide-eyed. She smiles crookedly at him and a slow grin breaks across his face, making him seem boyish and…endearing to her. Her heart is a jackhammer when he smiles like that. The rush of blood in her ears seems to say his name, and she's warm and flushed and hopeful that he'll take the foolish leap she wants him to.
She heads down to the cargo bay, leaving him sitting there. She can't sleep yet; she needs to burn off some nervous energy, so the punching bag down there is in her mind. Shepard carefully does not think of other ways she could be burning off energy. She wishes the mess was clear so she could invite him into her cabin on some pretense.
She straps her hands and lets go of some of her fear and frustration on the bag, the sweat starting to stick to her loose shirt, and slick her hair down from the messy ponytail she has tied it in.
There's heavy boots on the floor and she knows who it is. There's no one else in the cargo bay, she knows his tread anywhere and even blindfolded.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey there," she replies, spinning round. She can't help the almost shy smile that breaks across her face. There's a starburst of warmth in her belly, low down, a pleasant combustion of desire.
Kaidan rubs the back of his neck. "I uh, I wanted to speak to you, Shepard. Privately."
"Um, of course." She stammers, excited. Will this be it? "Well, I'm right here, LT. And there isn't anyone to hear." She motions to the empty cargo bay.
He steps over to her, and swings the punching bag a little idly, avoiding her eyes. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos, huh?"
Shepard laughs a little, grabbing the other side of the bag to start an impromptu game of swinging it back and forth between them. "I'd say that's a little bit of an understatement. I think shit's gonna blow up."
He chuckles quietly.
"Yeah. It will blow up, this is you after all." Shepard rolls her eyes, amused and he smiles that shy smile and continues more seriously. "Do you…do you think this will all work out?"
"I hope so, but it might not." She says simply. "What else can we do, though? We're soldiers LT; we gotta try to protect people."
Kaidan nods like he knows exactly what she is talking about and accepts it, he gives the bag another swing and she pushes back. On purpose, she swings a little too hard and stumbles a little close to him.
He looks at her through thick, dark lashes, heartbreakingly earnest. "Shep, I want you to know….um, it's been an honor serving under you and also one of the best times of my life."
Shepard smiles her honest, true smile. The one that shows her ugly teeth and she does not feel self-conscious about it for a second in front of him.
"Really?" She says, teasing. "Even with the geth and the bullets?"
"Well, not so much that part." He laughs again and takes another step closer to her. She doesn't back away and this close she has to tilt her head up slightly to look him in the eyes. She can see amber flecks there and they remind her of fire and how much she wants to be burnt by him.
His voice is low and raspy as he says, "It's been hard, this mission, but you're…you're special."
They both stand there for a moment, she's half-leaning on the still gently swaying punching bag and she watches with a clenched stomach and a pounding heart as he reaches a hand out to play with the end of her un-tucked shirt. His short, blunt fingernails scrape the soft skin at her belly and she shivers and feels dampness in her underwear.
"I don't think you've served under me nearly enough," she breathes, low and husky. "I seem to remember last time we sparred I was the one doing the serving."
His hands move to her hips, moving them towards him, tugging her closer.
"Maybe…I like it that way," he cants his head, turns it as if he's going to lean down and kiss her.
Shepard makes a funny little hum in anticipation, in contentment, in thrilling need.
But he doesn't close the distance between their mouths.
"Why won't you kiss me, Kaidan?"
"I don't know." His eyes are on her mouth, then on her eyes and then her mouth again. She knows he wants her, his fingers play at the waistband of her pants at her hips, dipping under it every so often to run his fingers along the edge of her panties.
She reaches out and puts her hand over his heart, it thrums beneath her palm. "You don't need to leave a way out with me, I promise."
"I look at you and-" he starts, his eyes brightening a bit in frustration.
She steps closer again, almost bumping his chest. She's breathing quicker, and can't seem to fill her lungs properly anymore. "And what?"
"I forget caution." He says in a tone that implies that is a cardinal sin. "I think about losing you and I can't stand it."
Shepard looks in his eyes and knows she fell a long time ago. There's no going back from here. "You won't lose me, you don't need caution."
"We shouldn't fraternize." He says this as he closes the distance, finally, between their lips.
Just before he makes contact, she mumbles. "We already have."
His lips are soft, except for the small scars on the edges of his lips. He tastes of the green jello they had for dessert. It starts out simple, just a small gentle pressure and she doesn't know who deepens it but his hand is clutching at her back and hers are on his narrow hips and his tongue is stroking hers and their thighs are pressed together and she can't get enough-
He backs her into the wall, and his hands sneak up her shirt, over her ribs to palm her breast gently. "Shepard…you make me feel human."
She gasps into his mouth and he swallows that for the moment, so she moves his hips against his, feeling him already hard and he releases her mouth for a moment so she can say, "You just make me feel."
He does. She's never felt like this before. Never…loved like this.
They half pull each other into the elevator, torturously having to stand apart for seconds in case it opens to another crew member. She thanks all the gods she has never believed in when it opens on the crew deck and the mess is blessedly empty.
If she had to wait for him, she is sure she would have exploded or perhaps gone crazy.
She drags him across the cabin threshold, grinning and he's laughing and they are both excited and happy even though tomorrow might be the end of everything.
She's so happy her heart may burst and she pulls his shirt over his head to run her hands over his muscles, through the dark hair on his chest as he firmly grasps her ass.
Then her shirt is gone too, in moments that happen in slices and fits of sensation and want. His hands are back on her chest, stroking the nipples through the bra's fabric into hardened peaks.
Shepard needs his pants off, like she has never needed a man before.
"Mm…no, wait a second." He protests against her deep kiss, clutching at her hands on his belt.
She groans. "Kaidan, I've be waiting so long."
He laughs again, that low bark that always seems to be just for her and shakes his head. "No, I mean, uh." He stammers, a little uncertain. "We should um, grab…y'know, some protection."
"Oh that." She flicks a hand airily, relieved. For a moment there she thought he didn't want her. It's typical of him to think responsibly when she's trying to get in his pants. "We don't have to, I take birth control."
She takes that nice little pill religiously every morning, now. In the past she had been lax and forgetful. Her sex life is nothing to boast about and sporadic, mostly quick hookups when she is drunk and lonely on shore leave and even they were infrequent. She'd always made the men she used and cared nothing for wear a condom.
But as soon as she and Kaidan had first felt that energy spark between them, she knew that one day she'd have him where she wanted him and she didn't want to have to worry about protection or having her period when she finally got her promised shore leave.
Chakwas had given her that neat packet of pills a month ago and carefully said nothing.
He nods; looking relieved to get that out of the way and seems to even be turned on by the fact. His hands are pulling her pants down and he helps her step out of them, bending down to gently and carefully remove her boots and socks. His kisses her knees while he is down there and Shepard thinks she'll never let him go.
When he stands back up, she goes again for his utility pants but with a playful expression on his face he picks her up and she squeals, wrapping her thighs around him for purchase.
"What are you doing?" She laughs to his mouth.
He responds by kissing her and murmuring with a devilish expression, "Showing you a good time."
Her ass hits her cold metal table, pushed against the wall and he sets her down. She looks at him quizzically but he just gets on his knees before her and wraps his fingers around the edge of her black underwear. He looks her in the eyes the entire time he pulls them down her legs, with her help wriggling her hips, and Shepard swallows hard at his expression, the laughter slipping off her face.
He leaves the panties trailing off one foot and when she raises an eyebrow and goes to kick the material off he shakes his head and says, "Leave it."
His eyes are black again, and his voice so low and raspy, so she does leave the scrap of material dangling. And feels like if he will just touch her for a moment that she'll die. She's never been so turned on.
He leans back up to kiss her lips again, and this time his hands skim her thighs, gently separating and widening them on the cool metal. Her stomach swoops like she's just fell off a cliff in the Mako. He leaves her lips, down to her neck, sucking the pulse point there gently, not hard enough to leave a mark but enough to make her toes curl. Then, over her breasts still encased in the sports bra and trails kisses down her stomach.
It tightens in excitement, in need, the muscles contracting. He teases her on the way down, licking the little hollow of her belly button, kissing her, teasingly circles it and slowing heading further down.
Shepard's breath is not coming steady anymore, her skin is goose-bumped in anticipation and he notices this with crinkled-happy eyes, dragging out her need further.
Finally, what seems like lifetimes of taunting to Shepard, he crosses her dark patch of short curls and kisses her tiny bundle of nerves. She nearly arches off the desk but his hands clutch her thighs steadily, leaving tiny white finger marks behind. She distantly wishes, in some part of her mind that is not sobbing for release, that he would hold on tighter, tight enough to mark her as his, to leave blue bruises tomorrow.
Shepard is losing her mind.
His tongue swirls lazy patterns over her, again and again and she nearly cries out, her head thrown against the wall. It's been so long and he is so good, just the right amount of pressure, backing off when it gets too much, pushing right to the edge and then saving her from falling. His talented tongue traces through her slick folds, and unable to help herself she moans, clutching at his hair and making tufts stand up at the back.
He watches her the whole time, with the most self-satisfied and confident expression she has ever seen on his face.
"Oh, LT." She moans and as his tongue pushes into her, her breath hitches and she can't help but chant his name, praying there is no one in the mess and she is not loud enough to hear. "Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan…please oh please. Stop."
Shepard doesn't really want him to stop but he seems to know she's so close and finally, slowly kisses his way back up to her face, smiling the whole time.
"You ok?" He asks, and she nods, not trusting herself to speak. He peels away her sweaty sports bra, and she's surprised at how hot she feels, how the sweat is pouring down her neck to pool in between her cleavage.
She almost can't take it when he tongues a hardened nipple, but thankfully for her composure he knows that she's raw and goes gently and slowly. Shepard decides that it's time she showed him a good time and suddenly stands, forcing him back with surprise. She kicks off her half-removed panties.
"Kaidan, you've been a very bad LT." Shepard purrs.
He raises one thick eyebrow, amused. "Is that right?"
"That's right Mr. Sentinel." She makes her best seductive face and contrasts it with her 'commander' voice. "You are to get on that bed and give me twenty, on the double!"
"Careful, Shepard." He croons, teasingly backing away from her. "I might think you're abusing your authority. A serious breach of protocol."
"Oh, I am abusing my authority. When I am through with you, you won't know your own name."
She pushes him onto the bed and pulls his pants off and grins at how hard he is for her. Then, she climbs on top of him on the bed and covers his desire for her with her mouth.
Kaidan groans and she is pleased that now he is the one that now sounds like he is either in pleasurable pain or experiencing the best torture of his life.
She licks up and down him, paying special attention to his head and his fists clench in the sheets, ruining the time she had spent this morning making them crisp and neat.
"Oh god, Shep. Oh god." He pants as she takes him as fully into her mouth as she can without gagging and applies gentle suction.
She has to stop after a few minutes, his groans are getting louder and she wants to make him last for her. So she crawls up his body, the blue tinged, down-lights glinting off her pale skin and turning her a ethereal creature. And she feels it, she feels special and loved while he looks down at her, a hungry expression on his face, his own body bathed blue. Shepard flares once then, biotics caressing her naked skin. She knows it makes her look dangerous, and knows it outlines her curves erotically. Kaidan smiles and does the same, challenging her. His eyes that were so dark moments ago turn electric blue as she kisses him on the lips.
He apparently has a dominant streak that she's only noticed a few times, when they spar or the way he can't let an argument go when she riles him up. He shifts and grabs her back to roll her beneath him, but she doesn't mind. She prefers it; she's so used to being in charge that it's fun to have someone else take control for a moment.
"This is what will never happen again. Us." He whispers against, her mouth, her neck, her breast.
"Everything will come around again, even the Reapers. But right now? You and I are all that matters."
She feels his hot hardness against her thigh as his knees nudge her legs apart. He kisses her again and again and when he slides inside her inch by inch, so slowly but surely, she can't kiss him back for a moment.
It's as perfect as she fantasized about, the stretching, the fullness of him, the twinge of good pain, when she would crawl into bed in her cabin lonely and wish he would be allowed to join her. As he thrusts first, one initial foray deep inside, she throws her head back on the pillow and sighs.
This was Kaidan and this was her and this was how it was supposed to be. He kisses her neck and thrusts again and Shepard is lost to their rhythm, something she knows instinctively, something that has her hips rising to meet his at the right times, rubbing herself against him.
She's catching fire and burning down. Shepard's mind races, a mantra that doesn't make sense anymore runs through it and she thinks it's just made of his name. Her abdomen aches in the best way. He fits with her perfectly like part of a jigsaw puzzle she never knew she was missing.
He gasps raggedly into her ear, his measured movements becoming more frantic and that's ok because she is too. She hears a woman moaning and realizes it is her, but when she moves her hand to smother herself he pulls it away with a gruff, "No, I want to hear you."
His hands are back on his breast, sweat is dripping over his forehead and down his nose to cover her in his smell that is musk and gentleness and heat and everything is building inside her and she can't stand it. He grabs one thigh and raises it over his shoulder to drive harder and that does it-
The angle is all right and he is so deep and hitting that spot and there's stars in her eyes and they speed towards doom and corruption and they're all going to die tomorrow but she doesn't care she has already died tonight and Saren can't take that away.
The woman who sounds like her is chanting his name over and over but her eyes are squeezed shut, he's saying something that sounds like, "Come on, Shep. Open your eyes for me." So she does and she sees brown and amber and love and home and feels his warm seed inside and he kisses her and she thinks nothing for a long time.
Eventually they part, eyes heavy lidded and exhausted. He curls around her, tucking the sheets up over her hips and hugging her sweat-slick back.
"Kaidan, you make me feel like I can take on the universe." She sleepily mumbles and falls into pleasant dreams not filled with nightmares for once before hearing his reply. His warmth at her back is enough for her.
The stars outside aren't cold. And her heart sings with them.
"...You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them-"
"What are you trying to say?"
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night . . . You-only you-will have stars that can laugh!"