Takes place very early in ME1, really early after first leaving the Citadel. Plot idea blamed on discussion with Libbabink, all your fault.
Kaidan and 'holding back'.
On a tiny backwater planet, they get into a scuffle with a group of mercs. They ambush Shepard's small squad in the spaceport on the way back to the Mako. Shepard had taken them there on a quest to narrow down Saren's movements, to dig out some rational for what he was doing with the geth and a cred trail, the Council provided, led them there.
Ultimately it was in vain, he covered his tracks in the way only a Spectre could, but he had also left mercs to make sure anyone who came looking was taken out.
Shepard swears violently in the abandoned space spaceport and orders Kaidan and Ash to get to cover and take them out.
Kaidan listens to her orders, getting lost in the heat of battle. He half keeps an eye on Shepard and Ash, but they are both more than fine. The soldier's assault rifle rips through their ranks and Shepard is...amazing. Soon mercs are flailing and screaming in the air almost comically hampered by her biotics, like little slow gormless ducks for Ash and him to pick off.
One floats by Kaidan's head, screaming, "Ragh! Boys, boys, please get me down. Help! She's got me!"
Kaidan can see he's lost his gun and is frantically trying to dog paddle through the air. It's no use, Shepard has him in her biotic grip and won't let go.
Despite all his years in the service and despite the fact he's often been accused of having no sense of humor, Kaidan smirks out the sight and can't help a low chuckle. Shepard catches him laughing, and in the middle of spawning a Singularity in the center of the port, winks.
"I'm sorry!" she calls to the hapless merc, not sounding sorry at all, "You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing my 'don't give a shit' hardsuit."
Kaidan turns away, wiping his smile, and refocuses on overloading some shields and firing his pistol. There's a new wave coming in and even with Shepard's crowd control abilities they're in a tight spot.
His gun overheats and he swears.
Mercs are closing in so he throws up a Barrier, saving himself from being shot. He knows it's weak, but he hasn't properly used his biotics in combat for years and he's out of practice. A merc rushes in then, seizing advantage of his momentary disarmament and smashes Kaidan in the face with the butt of his rifle. His personal Barrier fizzles out, not very strong to begin with, and he reels back, falling onto his back heavily.
The breath oomphs out of him, he sees stars and there's red in his vision and he distantly realizes that he's been cut in the forehead, a wound trickling blood into his eyes.
The merc raises his gun and Kaidan can think of nothing to stop the death that is rushing towards him, his mind empty and-
"Kaidan!" Shepard is there suddenly, she thrusts her palm out and the merc is knocked away from him, flying across the port.
She pulls him to his feet roughly, and he can tell she's furious. Shame wells up in his stomach, he's messed up, and hadn't compensated for weapon overheat, leaving himself horribly vulnerable.
"Back in the game, marine!" she barks roughly and hands him her spare pistol.
He notices as they continue the fight, that she sticks close to him and again he feels sick that she thinks she has to protect him.
If there was one thing Kaidan prided himself on, it was pulling his own weight. This mission is important, an honor really, and he can't afford to slow Shepard down.
Eventually the remaining mercs retreat, realizing that they are a force to be reckoned with. Shepard's cool leadership and superior firepower, including her biotics, ensures their victory.
The trip back to the Normandy is awkwardly silent, Ash seeming to sense that Shepard isn't happy and keeps her mouth shut at Kaidan's expression.
He feels angry too, and he doesn't know why. It bubbles up inside him and he doesn't know whether it's himself he's annoyed with or Shepard for risking herself to save him.
Ash heads to her work station once they're aboard but Shepard follows him to the lockers as he starts ripping off his armor.
She growls lowly, "What the hell was that, Lieutenant?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am," he responds calmly, burying his anger, "I don't understand."
"You choked back there." To his alarm she reaches a hand up to skim his forehead where a gash bisects his eyebrow, he shivers minutely as her hand touches the feverish skin above it. "This!" she exclaims, "This, is what I'm talking about."
"I apologize." He shrugs off her hand, "He got the drop on me."
"'He got the drop on you'?" Shepard parrots back. "How? He was right there. Why didn't you throw him away with your biotics?"
Kaidan shifts uncomfortably, his head throbbing. He's really not in the mood to get balled out by her. "Uh, it didn't occur to me, ma'am."
"It didn't occur to you?" she says doubtfully with a raise of her dark eyebrow. Her eyes flicker back up to the wound on his forehead and she sighs, seeming to make a decision.
"Come here," she says gently. "I'll fix you up."
"Ma'am?"
She shrugs, "You're bleeding everywhere and you can't First Aid yourself. Sit down; I want to have a chat."
Kaidan sighs internally but doesn't want to push his luck lest her mood turn back to angry at him. He doesn't want a black mark in his file and knows that for some hardass commanders today would have been enough to earn him one. He doesn't think Shepard is like that though…he actually likes her, but nobody got anywhere in the Alliance by pissing off superiors.
Shepard walks over and grabs a metal crate from Wrex's usual post and with a pant of effort drags it over to him. She puts a gentle pressure with her hand on his shoulder to make him sit on the cold metal. She then yanks the First Aid kit from the wall and shuffles to straddle the crate, two legs either side of it.
Shepard leans close to him, he can feel her gently probe his face as she asks, "You're an L2, right?"
"Yeah," Kaidan swallows. Up close he can make out every fleck of color in her eyes and not for the first time he thinks they're the most beautiful pair he's ever seen.
"I'm an L3. Not a lot of power, not like you, but gets the job done," she continues, her breath lightly puffing on his cheek. "I spent a long time neglecting other areas of my life to get where I am."
Her eyes shift to meet his for a moment, their faces millimeters apart and there is ice-blue steel in hers. "And I don't regret it for a moment. I know you don't have it easy and I'm not pretending for a second to know how you feel but...I guess I'm just trying to understand."
Kaidan looks away. He knows what she wants to talk about now. Why he choked.
Deep down he knows why he did. And it had everything to do with Rahna, Brain Camp and Vyrnnus.
The sick sound a neck made when it snapped neatly at the vertebra. He would know that sound until the day he died.
"I'm coming from a different place," she continues speaking, cutting into his thoughts by dabbing some medical alcohol on his forehead. He hisses a little at the sting but his eyes cut to hers in surprise when she says, "You take away my biotics? I'm nothing."
"I'm sorry, Commander," he protests, honestly baffled with her proclamation. "But you could never be just 'nothing.'"
Shepard smiles as if she doesn't believe a word he says and fusses with some of the med kit tools.
"Little secret?" she eventually looks back up at him, and he thinks her cheeks are suddenly a lot pinker, stark on her pallid cheeks.
There's a wry twist to her lips as she states flatly, "I'm dumb."
Kaidan opens his mouth again to protest but she shushes him, "No, seriously. It's ok, you don't need to say anything. In Basic, my Instructor realized this and said: 'Shepard, my girl, your brain sure as hell doesn't work for datapads or tech but shit…," Kaidan starts at the gruff voice she puts on but can't resist a half smile at her terrible impression, "…you can use your mutant, weird-ass noggin' to fuck some son of bitches up. So that's what you're gonna do.'"
She half laughs and puts a tiny dab of medi-gel over his eyebrow and gentles her tone again, "And I did and here I am now, the Commander of this wonderful ship, in charge of extraordinary people, yourself included."
She places a hand gently on his forearm for a moment, making his stomach swoop as she says, "I knew it would be hard. But I couldn't pretend I didn't have this gift. I couldn't bury who I was."
Shepard waves an arm as if to indicate the pair of them, "People don't trust us biotics. They don't like us. We have more strength in a single movement of our hands than they do in their whole body. It's a birthright, a sometimes bad and sometimes good one and you shouldn't feel ashamed for that."
"I-I don't," Kaidan lamely tries to say but even he can hear the lie in his voice.
There's a little crease between Shepard's brows as she ignores his pithy words, "Life is shitty and hard and dirty. I can't do any other job besides this one. Ever."
Kaidan opens his mouth to refute her. He thinks she would be great at whatever she put her mind to, but the look in her eyes stops him. And he knows that whatever the truth is, she truly believes she can be nothing but a soldier.
"I'm probably going to die doing this job and not as an old woman either. Who wants to employ a biotic? We might flip out and blow stuff up with our brains."
"We've only been around the last thirty years or so," he says quietly, "It takes time."
Shepard shift a little close on the crate and her leg brushes his. She doesn't seem to mind the contact though and Kaidan feels a weird flip right behind his naval. Why does she have this effect on him? He's never this punch-drunk with women, especially women he served with.
He can see every freckle on her nose. The most teasingly cruel career suicide-flirting thought pops into his head: that if he was kissing her, he would be even closer. He can smell her hair, and it reminds him of the flowers his mother kept at their orchard back home.
"I couldn't save a lot of people," she snaps the lid closed on the First Aid kit and Kaidan guilty looks away. "People I cared about. But now I have the power?" she holds up a hand, a little whirl of biotic energy sparking to life, her eyes changing color to unnaturally bright blue, "You bet your ass I will try my damnedest."
She leans even closer and as if afraid anyone will hear, whispers to him, "I'm not afraid of you."
Kaidan's throat goes dry. How does she know exactly what to say? His hearts starts pounding, there's a twinge of panic in his stomach. Why would she say that?
Shepard backs off a little and says in a firm and louder tone, "Williams is not afraid of you, neither are Tali, Garrus or Wrex."
"I want you to be all you are," she stands up and Kaidan suddenly feels bereft. As if her removing herself from such a close proximity took something warm and comfortable away from him, even with the hard words coming out of her mouth.
"I want you to be the man I know you can be for this mission. Because it's gonna get tougher and I need to know when it comes down to it: that you'll have my back with everything you have."
He nods and stands too. His head feels better, the throbbing stopped. It's like she took extra care with him, with the attention she paid to his forehead, but he knows that's a fanciful and wishful thought. Shepard is usually no good at First Aid in the field, but she must be decent at if she has time to concentrate.
When he stands, she takes another step closer to him and he notes how diminutive she is. When she speaks, sometimes he thinks her seven feet tall and able to breathe fire and crush krogan with a pinkie finger.
"Biotics included, Kaidan," Shepard grabs his hand, makes a tiny dark energy swirl in her hand again and opens his palm. She passes it to him and he reluctantly catches it in his palm, it swirls there, a tiny part of her energy passed to him. "This is protection, and power and control," she says and they both stare at it in his hand. "You are its master." She shakes her head, "Not the other way around."
"Aye, aye, Commander," Kaidan squashes it between his palms, snuffing it and she nods, pleased.
"Call me Shepard. I like to get to know my crew."
Kaidan privately thinks that she's not being entirely truthful when she says that. She has a reputation from some of the other junior crewmembers for seeming cold. He knows that is mostly the Akuze shadow hanging over her, but she really doesn't seem to get along with a lot of people or have many friends.
A thing they have in common, then. He never seems to make lasting friendships, but he thinks maybe this time he's made a friend in her.
He lets out a long breath, one he wasn't even aware he was holding since the spaceport, "Ok...Shepard."
"Now, I'm starving and I can see from that pinched look on your face you are too." Shepard punches him lightly in the chest. "Do you wanna grab some chow with me and I can show you some of my techniques? Maybe you have some new ones for me to try? If I have to I'll make you eat every meal with me and ramble about biotics until you start dreaming about them."
He laughs, and this time his chest feels a little lighter. It feels like maybe some shame has disappeared, chased away by her frankness.
Kaidan makes himself a promise.
He's not going to hold back anymore. He's going to be all he can be for her.