Chapter 24 – Guilt and realisation

Just when you think you have life figured out, that everything is going to be okay, fate has a way of twisting things so your whole perspective changes once again. When this happens it leaves a dark spot in your heart, a place you don't really want to visit but at the same time, something that you can't ignore. It tears you up inside, eats away at you, claws at your skin, wanting a release but having no way of getting out. It changes you, whether you want to admit it at the time or not.

It appears when you least expect it, at first it's easy to put to one side, because you know you haven't done anything wrong, that your actions are justified. But all it takes is one person to say one little thing and the flood gates open. You suddenly see things from someone else's point of view and everything you were once sure about becomes nothing but doubt and shame.

Guilt can fundamentally repair or destroy relationships. It can act as social superglue, fixing situations that once seemed like they were beyond repair. Or if it comes too late, it can be the final nail in the coffin. You can never be sure one way or another how a situation is going to go, all you can do is pray that realisation has arisen in time and that you can redeem yourself in another's eyes.

"Can we go home now?" Carla asked softly as she cradled her little girl up against her chest and inhaled her scent like it was the most beautiful smell in the world. Beside her, Turk gave a gentle nod, his arm wrapped firmly around her shoulders as he stroked Isabella's hair. They had both managed to stop crying and were just cherishing the fact their baby was back with them, not a hair on her head having been misplaced.

"Yeah, let's get out of here" He replied as he loosened his grip ever so slightly on his petite wife's form and guided them both down the almost empty corridor, towards the staircase which would lead them to the outside world. "I've had far too much of this place for today."

With that they both slowly glided through the large hospital doors and down a small bunch of steps which led to a back exit. Deep down they knew they shouldn't just leave, that they should inform someone that they had found their daughter, but at that particular moment they were just too caught up in the relief to really give it much thought. All they wanted, all they needed, was to go back to the security of their home, lock out the rest of the world and just be a family, to cuddle up on the sofa as Izzy lay on the rug surrounded by all the toys she loved, happy, content and safe.

As their feet hit the cold concrete of the back of the hospital car park, they sighed and took in the strangely warm dusk air. They both felt almost like they were in some sort of trance, like creation was moving around them but they were just observing it from afar. That although they were physically there, their minds, their souls, had long ago left and they were just floating in this cloud of uncertainty. In the space of a few hours every parent's worst nightmare had come to life, they had discovered the one person who was most precious to them was gone, only to get her safely returned to them just as they were beginning to give in to their grief. To say they were emotionally and physically drained was the understatement of the century.

"Who on earth would do something like this? Who would take our daughter?" Carla asked quietly, more to herself than to her husband as she gazed adoringly down at the child in her arms who was by now sleeping peacefully, a chunk of Carla's pink scrub top clenched in her tiny hand.

"I don't know baby." He replied as he placed a small kiss on her temple and rubbed her back comfortingly before they headed in the direction of their car. "Let's just be thankful God was looking out for us today; I knew he would keep her safe. He'd never allow our little African princess to come to any harm."

Carla, having long ago accepted Turks religious views could only bring herself to nod as she shifted Izzy slightly to her left in order to wrap her coat around her slumbering form, unsure on how to respond or even how she was feeling about the whole thing.

"Or maybe he was trying to teach you a lesson, one he decided you needed a little help learning." A voice called out from the shadows, causing both Carla and Turk to pause and turn towards the bushes on their left where a man dressed in black could just be made out. "Maybe the plan was to always keep Izzy safe; maybe she wasn't the target at all. Maybe her being returned to you at this exact time was all part of the master plan."

"Excuse me?" Turk called out, as he removed his arm from his wife and took a protective stance in front of her, trying yet failing to see the man's face. The man just chuckled, but remained where he was, just out of the light which was illuminating the car park.

"You heard me, if you forever live your life in denial with a false sense of self importance, then sometimes, just sometimes you need to be taught a lesson and while this was extreme to say the least, it was necessary." He continued while unfolding his arms and taking a few steps towards them. "My brother lost the woman he loved, his baby is fighting for his life, he's going through hell and you two, you did nothing but make him feel worse. I thought I'd return the favour." With that he stepped forward fully into the light, allowing the two people before him to truly see his features.

"Dan?" Both Carla and Turk puffed out as they instantly recognised the face of JD's older brother, though he looked a lot tidier than normal and for once not like someone who had been hitting the beers hard the night before.

"The one and only. Miss me?" Dan replied as he closed the gap between them, causing Turk to stand up taller than before, almost as if he was a gorilla showing who the alpha in the situation was. This only caused the older Dorian to chuckle as he held his hands up in defeat and leant against the hospital wall, a strange sense of darkness surrounding him. No longer did his eyes sparkle with the immaturity and idiocy they were used to, instead they were hard and emotionless, showing no warmth or an ounce of compassion for what he had done.

"I don't understand, you took Izzy?" Carla spoke out, confusion written all over her features. The man she remembered meeting was a silly drunken looser who despite not making anything of his life, seemed kind, someone often involved in trickery sure, but he was far from a kidnapper, he couldn't hurt anyone if his life depended on it.

"Not me personally no, I didn't touch her, a friend of mine did though, kept her safe for a few hours while half the hospital watched you run around in a blind panic. What can I say, met some nice people here the last time I visited, ones only too happy to help me out!" He continued, before straightening up again and taking a small step towards them, his eyes never once leaving theirs. "I thought you were nice people to. I mean Christopher, how long have we known each other? How long have you been Johnny's best friend? Do you know something, the day we met; I had my doubts about you, after all we all know Johnny has always been a bit of a geek." He paused again and smirked as he remembered the time his little brother attempted to play football with him and how it had ended with him flat on his face, running off in embarrassment soon after. "My first thought was what's a guy like him doing hanging out with my little brother and how I was gunna' creatively beat you to a pulp when you ended up messing him about and leaving him in the gutter. But somehow you managed to prove me wrong, stuck by him, helped him get a couple of girls and become a functioning member of society. You gave him a life, so I let it go, I let you stay… should have gone with my first instinct."

Turk could only crease his brows in confusion as a response to that as he watched the thirty five year old crack his knuckles a few times and ball his hands into fists. Sure he knew Dan wasn't the most welcoming of people back then, but he never gave the impression he didn't like him, more that he was indifferent towards him, like he was whenever JD mentioned anything to do with college.

"Dan…"

"Shut up, because it's taking all my strength not to hit you and I swear if you say one wrong thing right now I will not be responsible for my actions." Dan sniped back and bit down hard on his lip as he took another step forward, before closing his eyes and shaking his head. When he opened them again they were no longer as dark and lifeless as before but underneath the blue surface, was a deep blazing fury which was swirling in the back of his head, just waiting to get its release.

"Don't you threaten my husband! When I finish telling the police everything you'll be rotting in a prison cell!" Carla snapped as she pulled Izzy closer to her and took a step around Turk, so they were stood shoulder to shoulder, side by side, like it should always be. "How dare you! How dare you take my little girl then have the audacity to stand here and talk to us like that, who do you think you are? What right do you think you have to play the 'big brother' card now? You know nothing of JD's life, of his friends, of what's been happening here, when have you ever even cared about any of that, as long as he could throw you a quick buck every now and then, then that's all you were interested in. So don't come here now, acting like we are in the wrong when you have just KIDNAPPED a child."

"I've ALWAYS had Johnny's back. How dare I? How dare you? Now I know I've not been the world's best brother, but I've never pretended to be either. Me and Johnny, we've never really had that close bond that some families share, but he is MY little brother and I'd kill for him. I don't do the sentimental hugs at tea time, let's talk about our feelings crap, I never have, but if someone hurt him by God I made sure they lived to regret it." Dan retorted, his voice taking on a deadly tone as he spoke more though his teeth than anything else. He was never one to hold on to anger; he was a lot like JD in that respect, life was to sort to waste it on losing your temper when you could just swallow it and move on. That was in normal situations though, during the start of bar fights and the odd argument with your boss. When it came to John Dorian however, no one got away with upsetting him, not while Dan was around. He may not have been perfect, he may have downright sucked at being there for people when they needed him, but the one thing he always made sure of was that if anyone dared to take advantage of his brothers caring personality, then they well and truly got their comeuppance. "You? You on the other hand are ten times worse, because you pretend; you pretend to be his friend, to care about him, to be the best person in the world. When in reality you couldn't give a damn. My brother was in bits, he's lost everything, he thought he was losing his child, hell he still might and what were you doing? Planning your little family life and telling him to grow up. He needed you! He needed the both of you but where the hell were you?" He shouted out, his voice getting deeper and louder as he continued, his eyes radiating as the reality of what his brother had had to go through truly hit him.

Turk could do nothing but look from Dan to his wife, no words forming at the back of his throat as he tried desperately to think of something to say. Carla too looked a little shocked at his outburst but her eyes were just as hardened over as his, she wasn't accepting responsibility for anything, or willing to see past her own anger and listen to what he was actually getting at. As she opened her mouth to bite back, the older Dorian quickly cut her of.

" WHERE WERE YOU WHEN HE NEEDED YOU? As soon as Dr Cox called me I was in the car driving here before he had even got off the phone! You, you see him every day, in tears, losing his mind with grief and anger and you just shut him out of your lives because it wasn't convenient. And when you finally do find out, what do you do, you sit there asking why he didn't tell you, why he didn't come to you, YOU SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING. You have known him years, he moved out his own home, the one he rented so you could have a place to live together, to give you a proper married life. He did your shopping, set you up, covered for you when you needed it, was a shoulder to cry on, a face to yell at, to laugh at, to have fun with, he was everything for you and YOU JUST SAT THERE." Dan carried on, pausing for just a second to alter the pitch of his voice and to fling his imaginary hair over his shoulder and wiggle his index finger in the air, doing the best imitation of Carla as he could muster. "'Oh he hasn't answered the phone, oh well we tried. What more can we do, we work in a hospital, we know the rules regarding cell phones, but I'm from the block and if he don't answer, then that's that?"

"One, I do not sound like that and two, what do you expect us to do, we don't know where he is, we've left a dozen messages and called him over and over, we've tried out best to…" Carla started, but was once again interrupted as Dan saw red. If steam could have flown out of his ears at that very moment, then it would have gassed out the whole hospital.

"No, NO that is not trying that's a half ass attempted at making yourselves feel less guilty. There are two main hospitals in this city, it doesn't take a genius to work out if he's not at Sacred Heart then there is really only one other place he could be. Unless the small one you pass as you enter the city has an incredible NICU that no one knows about. Did you even attempt to go there? To find Johnny and talk to him? To make up for what you were lacking in for weeks? Or did you just sit on your B-hinds, do the old 'oh poor JD' thing and then move on to the next piece of gossip."

Carla visibly flinched at that and glanced down at her shoes as just for a second her own anger vanished. Eventually she looked to her husband whose hands were turning white from the sheer force he was gripping at them with, nails digging imprints into his dark skin as he refused to meet Dan's eyes, unable to deny any of it, no matter how much he wanted to.

"No I didn't think so!"

"You know nothing!" Carla snapped back, her eyes flaring as she reached for her husband with her spare hand and tried to prevent Izzy from waking by rocking her with the other. A part of her knew, knew exactly what he was saying and just how right he was, but the other part? It refused to accept she could ever do something like that, that she was in the wrong and was getting a well deserved lecture off of the man who caused them so much panic.

"I know everything! I spoke to him, I've been sat with him day and night since I got here, and if I left, it was because Dr Cox and his wife were there. He told me, he told me what it's been like, how you treated him, how Coxie was the only one there for him. It makes me sick. How could you do this to him?" Dan almost growled, shaking his head in a mixture of bewilderment and anger as he tried to steady his breathing. He couldn't actually believe these people were his brother's closest friends, hell he couldn't believe they even worked in a hospital when it seemed like they hadn't an ounce of compassion or empathy between them.

"It wasn't just us, okay! No one in the hospital knew until Doug blurted it out." Carla continued a slight hesitance in her tone as the voice in the back of her head that was growing louder by the second, repeated exactly what Dan had just said back to her.

"But none of them were his friends, none of them lived with him, none of them could he picture being a part of his life forever. You two, you two meant the world to him and you shattered him! All he wanted was for someone to be there, someone to care and you just shut him out. You pushed him away, you left him alone to deal with the death of the woman he loved and the possibility his son could go that way to! How could you be so heartless?"

"Us heartless?! You're the one who organised for someone to take our baby! For us to think she was missing and in the hands of god only knows who!" Turk piped up, suddenly finding his voice as he locked eyes on the man he had known for too many years to even count. He knew he had a point, of course he did, but as far as he was concerned nothing could ever justify dragging Izzy into the awful situation and putting them though hell. "Do you have any idea what something like that feels like? It doesn't matter what we had supposedly done, the minute… no the second you dragged my baby into this you lost all rights to lecture anyone."

For a moment, silence fell upon them; the only sound that could be heard was from passing cars in the distance and the occasional ambulance pulling up to the emergency platform out front. They all just stared at each other, daring the other to speak and already formulating their comeback in their minds. The tension was so thick even the sharpest surgical knife would have a problem cutting though it. Then Dan sighed, shrugged his tired shoulders and placed his hands in his pockets.

"No your right… I don't know how that feels, so why don't you tell me?" He said almost sympathetically as his eyes wondered to the sleeping child, before travelling back up to her mother. "Go on how did it feel when you realised you daughter was gone? That you might never see her again? Did it hurt? Does it still hurt? What about knowing some of the people in there who you trust, betrayed you in the worst possible way. That the police who are searching so hard to find her… are actually cleaners at the hospital, people you pass every day, dressed up, just to prolong your suffering. "

"You what?" Turk instantly snapped, as his face turned to one of fresh horror and disgust.

"You're just sick! Sick in the head, sick in every possible way! Who does something like this?" Carla cried out as she took a step back and inched closer to her husband. "And how do you think it felt? It crushed us! It was like someone had just ripped our hearts out. I've never felt that kind of pain before in my life, nothing, NOTHING compares to the thought of losing your child, that they are in harms way and there is nothing that you can do to protect them. Being without her, physically hurt. You happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?" She choked out, as a fresh batch of tears appeared underneath her eyelids, though she refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing them fall. What kind of man got off on causing someone that much heartache?

Dan took a deep breathe and just continued to look her in the eyes, before glancing into that of her husbands. Then ever so slowly he turned on his heels and made his way back towards the darkness he had come from. After taking just a few steps, he paused and glanced back over his shoulder to speak to them one last time.

"Then how the hell do you think it felt for Johnny to have to sit there and feel all of that for weeks now! To feel alone… betrayed…To fear for the life of his child, just like you did tonight…. To be so completely powerless to help the one you love so unconditionally." His voice was low, his whole body just sending off this chilling vibe as he paused for perhaps the tenth time that night, just to let what he had said truly sink in. "What you felt then is NOTHING compared to how he felt, how he still feels. Izzy was missing for a few hours, Sammy has been battling for life for over two weeks now. Can you imagine feeling that way for TWO weeks, not hours, but weeks? Then… to top it off your best friends do nothing to help, they don't even care enough to notice that something is wrong? You can hate what I've done all you like, but if giving you just a taster of what my brother is going through, if this is what it takes, then so be it. I hope you all rot in hell."

With that he turned away from them and walked off back down the ally way, a completely blank expression on his face, refusing to give them any more of his time when he wanted nothing else but to return to his brother's side.

The truth can be hard to hear, it can be even harder to accept. But when something you have been fighting at the back of your own mind, finally comes to the surface, there's nothing you can do to push the thoughts, the feelings back down inside. Its like opening a can of worms on springs, once the lid is off, there's no way to keep them from exploding out in all sorts of directions.

Time itself seemed to stand still as the Turks watched Dan slowly disappear from sight, his last words ringing through the air. They danced around them, appeared in 3D before them and smacked them in the face, an evil chuckling emitting from them as they circled the duo over and over.

Nothing compared to how he felt

Battling for life

Alone

Betrayed

Living in fear

Powerless

The words seemed to get louder, bigger and bolder as they physiologically hit them over and over. It went for their faces, their chests, their arms and legs, but most of all their hearts. While their own anger was still very much there, it was almost being drowned out as everything came at them all at once and the weight of the words began to suffocate them.

"Turk?" Carla barely managed to whisper as a single tear escaped down her cheek. But he didn't reply to far lost in his own mind to even hear her. "What have we done?"

Which worm's path you follow however, that is under your control

(A/n) Slightly slower update than before but hope the chapters worth it and the confrontation came out okay! Thanks so much to everyone who is still reading this story