ME1 era. Shenko with a side of Kaidan/Ash friendship.
Set before Shenko starts messing around with each other. Before Virmire.
I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask,
I want to exorcise the demons from your past,
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart
You trick your lovers,
That you're wicked and divine,
You may be a sinner,
But your innocence is mine
-muse
"So, what do you think, Chief?"
Kaidan hands Ash the pistol, and stands back with his safety goggles on as she expertly squeezes off five rounds in rapid succession.
When she's done, she hands him the heated pistol and says flatly, "Accuracy is piss poor, LT. Tell the Commander the marines are right, and if she's got the creds, I'd recommend stepping up to the Devlon models."
Kaidan squints at the holes she's made on the practice dummies, and casts his goggles off onto her gun bench. "That bad?"
"Hell yeah." She stalks over to a dummy and he follows as she points out the holes, all near the dead center of where a heart would be on a human. "You see? A few millimeters at most, and the kickback is expected, but not at these levels. I know it doesn't seem much-"
He examines her finger movement as she points out the slight scattering of the shots, the way they were just a fraction off their intended mark and interrupts her, "No, no. I'm not questioning your judgment, Gunnery Chief. You know your firearms." He straightens from where he's bent examining and smiles at the younger woman. "I just hadn't noticed the kickback was so bad. Nice catch."
Ash blinks, perhaps surprised at his praise. "Uh…thank you, sir."
"It was a deserved compliment," he says evenly. "I'll make sure to mention it to the Commander in my next detail report."
He thinks that she's been very unfairly passed over in her career, and is just glad that he and Shepard have her with them now. She's a good friend, with a lot of career potential and growing to do. Shepard agrees with him, she'd make a good officer, if the brass would just notice and promote her.
He feels a little spark of anger at the prejudice against the Williams name.
Kaidan turns, gathering up the remaining arms they had been testing after some grumbling from the marines, and stores them back in the locker. He tells himself there's not a touch of inappropriate haste in his movements, that he doesn't keep glancing at his watch, that he's not counting down the seconds until he can see her face with the odd light smattering of freckles under her eyes.
He stows the weapons carefully as he always does, reminding himself that Shepard isn't off duty yet, she has ten more minutes. The hot chocolate isn't going to run away on them, relax. He has time to see her.
Ash, picking up on his unusual excitement, interrupts his train of thought, "You're heading off to bunk down?"
"Sorry?"
"It's past your shift," she explains, glancing at her watch. Kaidan knows it's past 2200 hours. He should be sleeping. "You seem in a rush to get out of here and the duty roster says you have to be up at 0300 hours tomorrow."
He tries to shrug as nonchalantly as he can manage. "No, I'm just going to the mess. I, uh, said I'd meet Shepard there."
There's a tickle in the back of his throat as Ash's dark eyes look at him shrewdly, but he stops himself from coughing under her appraisal. So he'd kissed Shepard that one time when she was injured. It didn't mean anything. They're just friends, who happen to like talking over hot chocolate in the mess. No big deal.
Sure, he likes her a little more than is entirely appropriate, but it's just a small case of infatuation. He'd get over it. She's just so funny and warm, he can't help wanting to be doubled over in laughter, or attempting to make her own eyes dance in mirth.
She has very pretty eyes after all…
He jumps a little guiltily when he realizes his thoughts have wandered and Ash cuts in, "Oh. Skipper's shift is just finishing, right?"
"In about five minutes."
Ash fiddles with an assault rifle and some cleaning fluid. "You've stayed up for her?"
"No. I, uh, stayed up to test the guns out with you," he deflects. "I wanted to catch you while you were on duty."
"Of course, sir." There's smirk hovering on the side of her mouth.
Kaidan sighs, "You know, I hate when you say 'sir' in that tone. Because it really doesn't sound like you're saying 'sir'. It sounds more like 'idiot'."
"Of course not, sir."
He shakes his head, smiling at her and turns to leave.
"LT?" Ash calls back and he faces her again.
"Yeah?"
She bites her lip. "Actually…can I have a word?"
Kaidan resists glancing at his watch again, and hopes Shepard has gotten caught up chatting with Joker or something so he isn't standing her up.
Standing her up? No, Alenko. You idiot, he thinks. It isn't a date. It's just hot chocolate and a friendly ear after a long day. It doesn't mean anything.
Kaidan walks over to Ash's station where she has pulled out some more rags, and picks up a gun to start helping her clean. "Sure, shoot," he says with a patient smile at the younger marine. "You know that I'm always here if you need to speak freely or off the record, Chief."
"Thanks." She nods. "I appreciate that. And believe me, I don't want step on anyone's toes here." Ash exhales explosively and cocks a hip, leaning on the bench and looking away from his eyes. "Hell, it's kinda cute and I would be rooting for you if we were on another posting or at another time. But are…" she breaks off, apparently searching for words and Kaidan's stomach clenches, "you guys aren't…?"
He can read between the lines on what she's asking.
That was code for, "You guys aren't fucking every night, are you?"
Despite telling himself they are doing nothing wrong, there's a small, hard pit in his stomach. It was just one kiss in the heat of the moment on a messed up mission. And one kiss on the cheek. And maybe a few accidental brushes.
The Normandy is tight quarters sometimes; he couldn't help it last week when she had been forced to press against him in a small skirmish with a merc ship, Joker's maneuvers throwing them around a little. He most certainly hadn't masturbated in the shower to the thought of how firm her ass had been when his hand had accidentally brushed it, or how soft her breasts had been against his chest. He hadn't stroked himself to completion, imagining how her thighs would feel wrapped around him, her moaning beneath him.
Kaidan thinks a little desperately that he is a terrible liar, even to himself.
So maybe he has also had a few…dreams that aren't exactly g-rated. Well, they're more like x-rated but Shepard never needs to know that. No one did. His little problem isn't the ship's problem. And even if Shepard feels the same, nothing can happen.
So using this pithy justification, he calms himself and says, "Of course not, Chief."
She sighs; sounding relieved, and fiddles with a catch on her gun looking up to meet his eyes. Shepard is shorter, his mind chirps unhelpfully. He likes Shepard's height now, after initially thinking she really didn't look like a proper marine. These days, he imagined them hugging, how her chin would sit just right and he could…
No, he internally shakes himself. No. These are bad thoughts.
"Good," Ash says and hands him a new gun to clean as he progresses through her stockpile. "I mean…I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I consider you both friends, as well as damn fine officers." She looks at him and smiles again, rolling her eyes in a self-deprecating gesture. "This isn't some petty jealousy thing. I've never served on a crew this good. Or such an exciting posting. And I don't want to…have it screwed up or have our crew shuffled."
"We were only going to have some hot chocolate. I'm sure Shepard wouldn't mind if you joined us."
"No, no," she refuses. "You two have fun."
Kaidan nods and leaves her to her guns, his eyes stinging from the cleaning fluid. Or maybe it's tiredness. He doesn't know, or care. He wants to see Shepard before sleeping.
Ash, her voice quiet, calls after him, "I wasn't trying to…I just wanted to make sure everything is ok with you, Kaidan."
He spins, surprised. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"Look, it's fine. Forget I even brought it up. Go have fun, maybe I'll join you tomorrow."
Kaidan presses the elevator button roughly in his haste to leave.
He's late.
In the mess, she's already sitting at the table, sans hot chocolate. Her shirt is untucked, her hair isn't tied back so it falls in messy waves around her face. He wants to tuck a strand behind her ear, but as soon as the urge occurs to him he represses it with vicious self-reproach.
He carefully crosses to the mess kitchen and starts to play their game. He doesn't meet her eyes except for one respectful nod which she returns. It's just like they are just two ordinary crew members who happen to want a mug of hot chocolate at the same time.
Subterfuge isn't really his forte, but this game he is rapidly becoming a master of.
He makes hers first. Extra sugar, extra chocolate. He even tries to make the milk froth in the way she likes but can't quite get it right. He blows on it to cool the dark liquid to the perfect temperature and then makes his own a little more haphazardly.
Kaidan brings his offering over to the table and slides into the seat beside her, placing the large mug in front of her.
"Hey, Shepard," he greets and there's dark smudges under her eyes, she's pale, and a little listless but to him she's so beautiful. For a moment he's struck by her, his heart stuttering.
She smiles her fox grin, her sharp teeth showing. "Kaidan."
"I put three sugars in."
"Thank you." Shepard's fingers brush his as she picks the mug up. There's no literal spark from their biotics this time and he feels disproportionally disappointed. Every touch between them is electric inside his chest, it should reflect on the outside. "How was your day?"
Kaidan takes a sip of the sweet liquid and watches her eyes dance, a wayward bit of hair falling onto her shoulder, her smile, and he can't remember a single thing he told Ash in that moment.
"Better now," he answers.