Chapter 29- Conversing

When I first met Turk, I always thought he was like someone out of a comic book. He was cool, he was black, he had muscles I could only dream of and he had a way of making me feel cool to. I was invited to parties for the first time in my life and even though I knew he was uncomfortable with some of the more sensitive stuff, he never once judged me on that. He made college one of the best experiences of my life, I'm not sure I could have gotten through it without him. He just made everything fun and when I was stressing out, he reminded me it was okay to just relax and have some 'me time', that just because we wanted to be medical interns, it didn't mean we couldn't have a life outside of that too.

It was weird, feeling this way about him, I didn't like it, not one bit. But at the same time I couldn't begin to imagine a way I could change things.

How do you stop yourself from feeling or change those feelings when they are just like mega blocks built up inside of you? I knew talking to him would probably help but since Doctor Cox had thrown him out yesterday, he hadn't attempted to come back. I guess I shouldn't be surprised he gave up so easily. He threw our friendship away without much difficulty weeks ago, so doing it again should have been a breeze for him.

I spent virtually all night thinking it over, half expecting him to sneak back in. But by the time 2 o clock ticked by I'd given up all hope of that happing. Our friendship was over, I just had to find a way to be okay with that.

"What the..? Turk? What are you doing?"

Or so I thought...

JD could only cock his head in confusion as he emerged from his son's room and gazed at the wall opposite. There sat on the floor was the surgeon in question, his head leaning against a plant pot and his mouth wide open as if he were trying to win a game of who could eat the most dirt. He even had the imprinted pattern of the side of the vase, decorating his left cheek.

The man groggily opened his eyes and blinked a few times in bewilderment as he tried to focus on his surroundings. As soon as JD entered his line of sight he instantly bolted to his feet and gave a sheepish grin at being caught dozing on the floor. Truth be told, he had been asked to leave by a few of the hospital staff over the course of the night, but he told them the same story over and over, on how he had to apologise. Lucky for him, they all hadn't realised exactly what he had done that warranted said apology and had turned a blind eye, thinking there was no greater display of friendship.

"Ergggh, it's hard to sleep standing up?" He replied with a shrug, wiping desperately at the side of his face with his jacket sleeve in the hopes of brushing off at least some of the soil he was pretty sure was now stuck to his head. JD didn't respond to that, only raised his eyebrows higher than he ever had before. When Turk made no effort to say anything else, the young Doctor shook his head from side to side and made to walk past him, bumping his shoulder into his so called friend as he did so. Neither was sure whether it was on purpose or not.

"JD wait!" He called out, reaching forward and grabbing hold of his upper arm. JD however, just pulled it out of his grasp and carried on walking down towards the stairs. He only had half an hour before the nurse had to leave the ward and he was determined that Sammy was not going to be left on his own, standing around and having a half hearted staring contest with someone who would only babble his way further into a hole just seemed a complete waste of time. As far as he was concerned there were a lot more important things to be done.

Like finding a bathroom.

Turk, much like Elliot the previous day, wasn't going to take the brush off without a fight and after a few deep breathes to gear himself up for it, he soon turned to follow.

"Did I not make myself clear enough yesterday?" JD replied defensively, barely breaking his stride as he continued to head down the corridor, giving a brief smile to one of the passing nurses who he had seen on his travels many times over the last few weeks.

"Oh yeah, Doctor Cox got the message to me loud and clear." Turk scoffed as he thought back to growling conversation they had had once the older man had realised he hadn't completely left. As put off as he might have been, it didn't quite reach the same level of determination he felt to put things right. Maybe that was the reason he wasn't grabbed by his collar and thrown in to a dumpster late last night, even the attending could see that the truth had to come out and this was a conversation that couldn't be avoided forever.

Not if the story was to ever reach an ending.

"Then why are you following me?" JD continued, unsure of why he was actually acting this way. He had thought about nothing more but talking to Turk since he had shown up, even when he was yelling at him to leave him alone, a part of him just wanted them to have a proper conversation. Yet there was an irrational... or perhaps rational part of his brain which acted as a block every time the opportunity arose. He supposed he was just trying to protect himself from any more possible pain. Something he feared was almost guaranteed.

"Number one rule of friendship... never leave them alone when they don't want to be alone, even if they say they want you to leave them alone... besides I figure you need the bathroom as much as I do and if I keep following you, eventually you will head into one." Turk joked, smiling slightly in the hopes it would somewhat break the ice.

"Just follow the signs." Came the grunted reply, which caused the surgeon to frown, the roughness to his voice was so un JD like that it was almost scary, however he wasn't stupid enough not to realise it was some sort of defence mechanism to hide how vulnerable he really felt.

"I am... but there in the same direction your going anyway." he chimed, giving himself a mental pat on the back when this caused JD to come to a halt. His pat however, was soon taken away when the younger man turned to glare at him before twirling his finger in the air and pointing towards the door to their left, were a little male stick man sign stood.

"There you go, feel free to get lost on your way back." JD snipped, giving a not so sincere smile after and folding his arms, daring the man to say something in return. For a moment Turk remained completely still, his only movement coming from his eyes as they glanced towards the door, to JD and back again.

"Don't you need to go?" He asked. While he wasn't going to deny the fact he was bursting, he wasn't about to let his friend wonder off somewhere else and loose the one opportunity he seemed to have to get everything out in the open. He knew for a fact if he went in that room now without JD then he wouldn't find him again and he'd probably get armed unicorn guards on duty outside Sammy's room to prevent him entering.

"I prefer to use others."

"Great lead the way."

"Turk!" JD snapped, his patience wearing thin, as the man did nothing but stare innocently back at him. He just wanted to get what he needed to done so he could get back to his son, he just couldn't deal with this right now. His brain was telling him to stop, to give him a chance and listen, but his emotions were saying the opposite and the internal battle was placing his body under more stress every time he even caught a glimpse of the other's face.

"What for all I know the next set have sofa's and little chocolate mints, i would hate to miss them." He shot back, a grin on his face as he watched the irritation increase on JD's. "Look." He continued, dropping the pretence and letting his shoulders sag as he looked towards his friend with a hint of longing in his eyes. " Why don't we pee, then head to the cafeteria, get some food and actually talk. I know you don't want be anywhere near me right now and believe me I understand, even more so when you hear what I have to say. But JD you deserve to at least hear the truth, if after that you tell me to leave, I promise I will be out of those hospital doors in a flash and you won't see me again until you decide you want to, even if that's five years down the line."

By the end, he was almost whispering as he tried to convey with his eyes just how sincerely he meant that. He loved JD like a brother, there was no one he felt that connected to, not even Carla and he just needed the chance to tell him that. That despite how awful a friend he had been, the thought of that being over for good, ripped him up inside.

For a second, the young doctor just glared at the man beside him before dropping his gaze to the floor making an exasperated sound and pushing past him into the bathroom. As much as he hated the fact the man was right... he really did have to pee.

Turk stood still for a instant longer as JD disappeared into the room beside him, not quite sure if that was a yes or another brush off. As soon as he heard the familiar click of a cubical locking, he shrugged his shoulders and took a few steps inside, figuring no matter which option his best friend had chosen, it was probably safer to take the opportunity to empty his bladder. You know, just incase he was going to end up having to chase him around the hospital.

Ten minutes later and the duo were sat in the canteen opposite each other, a cup of coffee in one hand and a bagel in the other. For a while they just sat in silence, neither of them wanting to be the first to speak, even though Turk knew it had to be him. Despite the fact there were many doctors around them, both chatting away to each other and giving them weird looks for being there in the first place, they could still both hear every crunch and sip the other made. It was like the people buzzing about, were not even there, that there was only one table in the middle of an empty room and it was the one they took over. Everything else was white noise, barely audible to their adult ears. Even the surrounding smells, tastes and sights were nullified as their attention was focused on avoiding the others gaze.

They had so much to talk about, so much to explain and communicate to each other but it was like the words of anger, regret and remorse were stuck on their tongues, not wanting to be verbalised no matter how much it was bubbling at the surface. A part of them knew, that the second a sound was made, then that was it, the story would begin and it could very well be the last thing they ever say to each other. In fact it could easily lead to the absolute end of an era, something that terrified them in equal measures. How could they talk, express everything they felt, when it would probably just lead to disappointment and anguish all around.

Finally Turk cleared his throat, knowing that the sooner they got this over with, the sooner their lives could continue, no matter which direction it went in.

"Look man, I don't even know where to start, I've been the world's biggest jerk, not only since... Sammy was born... but for weeks before that. I swear to you though, I never meant for this to happen, never meant for things to get so bad between us. You are my best friend in the world JD and I can't believe things have got so out of hand." Turk begin, picking up a piece of tissue paper in the process and proceeding to tear it shreds as a way to work off the nervous energy which was buzzing through his veins. It was safe to say he had never felt this overwhelmed and apprehensive before.

"Yeah? Well whose fault is that?" JD scoffed, before lowering his eyes and glancing into the suddenly incredibly interesting cup of milky coffee. He hadn't meant to say that out loud, a part of him wanted to hear this so badly, but the part of his brain which always told him to bite his tongue just didn't seem to be working anymore.

"Mine I know, I wasn't there for you when you needed me, I didn't even notice that you needed me, and then when I did, I did my upmost to stay as far away from you as possible and pretend nothing was wrong. That wasn't cool man, you deserved better than that." Turk continued, but paused as he realised JD's eyes had suddenly shot to his, confusion swirling around within them.

"So you were avoiding me." He mumbled, not that he hadn't already known that, but hearing it first hand, surprisingly hurt, a lot more than he would have ever expected it to considering his current feelings towards the man.

"Yes... I was." Turk answered, resisting the urge to reach out and squeeze the other man's arm. He could clearly see how much that statement had affected him and just wanted the ground to swallow him whole. Everyone makes mistakes, he'd always lived by that, but god he had screwed up big time this time and seeing the evidence of that made him feel about 8inches tall.

"Well least your honest? Mind telling me what I did to deserve that?" JD continued, his voice surprisingly calm as he hardened his face, clearly trying to block out any emotion that he did feel on the subject.

"You didn't do anything." He replied softly, before taking a sip of his coffee, straightening himself up and drawing a deep breath, knowing he had to explain, that he simply couldn't put it off any longer if there was any hope of even beginning to repair their friendship. " A few months ago my mother had to have surgery and you were so happy with Kim, I didn't want to bother you with it. Then there was this argument with Carla, around the time you wanted to move and I realised I had to start putting Izzy and her needs first..."

"What has that got to do with now? I'm sorry I asked you to help me back then, but I wasn't mad you cancelled... I told you that... I don't get why that would affect the way you've been acting recently." JD interrupted, his brow creasing even more as he tried to make sense of what he was being told. He remembered Carla having a word with him back then, asking him to give Turk a break and explaining how she kept fearing something would happen to Izzy if the place wasn't baby proofed enough. He had of course done exactly that, no hard feelings, no nothing, so just why that was relevant to Turk avoiding him after finding out the woman he loved had died, just didn't add up.

He understood, Izzy was in to everything, so tiny, so easily hurt, of course he understood.

" I'm getting there... I guess I kind of started distancing myself from you around then. Then there was this time in surgery where Kim practically fainted and I knew I should of told you, but all of these things were happening and I didn't think it was a big deal, I mean I guess I thought she would tell you what was going on anyway so there was no need for me to interfere. I should have, I really should have, but I didn't..." He continued, babbling things that quite frankly made no sense to JD what so ever.

"Okay?" The doctor replied, placing his cup onto the table and giving Turk his full attention, trying to swallow the bile that for some reason he could feel raising at the back of his throat.

"I saw Kim the day she died, she was waiting for you... she didn't look well, at all."Turk added reluctantly, his hands tightening into fists as he prepared himself for what was to come and looked down once again, away from JD.

"Wait what?" The other man instantly stammered, of all the things he expected to hear, that certainly wasn't one of them.

"She was pale, seemed to be breathing deeply, looked a bit dizzy and was rubbing her stomach... I think she was in the start of labour... You were going to meet her and she kept insisting she was fine... so I just left. I had NO idea what was going to happen, or about her heart. JD you have got to believe me when I say if I knew I would have stayed... I mean I kind of did, I went down to the lake and kept glancing back up to see if she was okay. Then you arrived and I figured it was fine, if her waters broke then she had you."

Turk rushed the end, gearing himself up to bolt as the shame washed over him once again, what kind of person was he? How could he have actually have done that. He stopped talking for a minute and braced himself as he looked up towards his friend who had drained of all colour. His pupils were wide and dashing from side to side as he tried to take in what Turk was actually saying. His breathing was slightly uneven and he had his mouth open, as if trying to draw in more air, unable to process the reality of the situation.

As much as he hated himself, Turk knew he had to continue, that he had to finish, for if he didn't now, he would never get another chance. Of that he was sure.

"When I heard she had died ... i... it was like time stood still and the guilt, the regret the... I have never been more sorry for anything. I.. I just didn't want to face you, couldn't face you. I should have run all the way here and been your number one support system, but I just couldn't, not knowing that... JD I swear to you, if I had thought for a second she was in any real danger I wouldn't have left her!" He cried as he fought the urge to reach forward and wrap the man in the world's longest hug.

"How long?" JD eventually muttered, his breathing becoming more and more uneven as he realised what this could mean, how different things might have been. His heart ached, his chest was feeling tighter and tighter by the second as the sorrow filled, emptiness crept upon him, the grief of losing the one person he loved most in the world coming back in full force.

"What?" Turk replied, slightly afraid of what the next words from his friends mouth would be.

"How long was it between when you saw her, to when I did?" JD almost growled, his hands clenched into fists as he tried to steady his breathing and fight back the tears, the feeling of isolation, betrayal, loss and hurt flowing through his veins and the urge to be sick got stronger and stronger.

"An hour... hour and a half... I think..." He whispered, trying to ignore the fear that was inching its way through his body as he watched the young doctors eyes explode with anger and sweat start to appear on his forehead as he tried to control himself. Hearing that however seemed to be the final straw.

" ARE YOU KIDDING ME." JD fumed as he jumped out of his seat, threw the chair to the floor and lunged towards Turk, grabbing him by the scruff of the collar. "If you had done something, ANYTHING, then she could still be here" He cried, his whole body trembling as the truth of that statement really set in. They had said, if she got help earlier then things may have been different, she would probably be up for an operation on her heart, maybe some valve replacements, but she would still be alive.

A part of him knew that wasn't guaranteed, that even with that intervention, she still might not have made it, but it would have given her a much better chance, it could have given Sammy time with his mother, or at the very least her a chance to meet him.

"I'm so sorry" Turk whispered, his face full of regret and sadness as he let a single tear roll down his cheek. He could see everyone watching, a few people approaching them cautiously, but at that second he didn't care, he would make the biggest scene in the world if it meant he could turn back time and make everything alright.

Apparently he verbalised that last thought as JD shook his head and gritted his teeth as he tried his hardest to stay in control.

"You can't though! You can't! Nothing can chance this, nothing can make this right!" JD almost sobbed, letting Turks collar go and standing up straight, looking into the man's eyes with nothing but hurt and dismay.

She could have lived.

They could have raised Sammy together.

Sammy could have seen her smile.

Been there on their wedding day.

Had Brothers and sisters.

Instead all he had was him, a father who everyone always joked about being too sensitive and childish. A father, who could barely hold it together.

Turks actions didn't just take Kim away from him, they took her away from Sammy to.

Shaking his head as the tears finally started to spill, JD turned around and picked the chair back up, pushing it back in its place with care, before storming past the gathering crowd and rushing out of the room.

He couldn't be there,

Not with him.

He just had to get away, far far away.

He didn't know how to deal with this. Didn't know how to cope with the emotions flowing through him.

What he did know though, was that he needed one thing,

To run.

To run and never look back.

(a/n) I'm alivvve, sorry this took a while, end of the college year is closing I and had to get everything done, which meant there was less time to write. Well there it is, Turk and JD officially talked. Was a long time coming lol. Hope you liked it!