Chapter 30- Being there

The second I walked into the hospital I knew something wasn't quite right. There was just these little things going on around me that seemed out of place. The nurses were all gossiping in a way you would expect teenage girls at a slumber party too and the Doctors were moving around the place in an aura of unease. All around me I could see people whispering with varying reactions from looks of sympathy to shifted giggles.

The odd few I recognised would instantly go quiet and scurry off as soon as they laid eyes on me. For a moment I felt nothing but dread as I got closer and closer to Sammy's ward, already fearing the worst. The logical part of my brain would probably have told me I'd know if something had happened with him and that these weren't the responses to a baby dying. Still I was never one to listen to logic as I could feel my heart beating faster and faster against my ribcage.

Peering around the NICU door, I couldn't help but release the breathe I was holding and allow my muscles to relax once more as I saw for myself the tiny baby fast asleep in the incubator, not a single extra wire added to his body. It however took me longer than I would care to admit to realise there was something missing, a consistence which seemed to no longer be there.

Glancing at my watch and then slowly around the room, I couldn't help but notice one very obvious thing.

My little brother was nowhere in sight

Pushing his way into the fourth bar of the night, Dan tried to ignore the stale smell of spilt beer and cigars as he walked from one end of the room to the other, pacing around and glancing at every table, booth and corner he could think of. The place was old, that much was obvious and mostly occupied by the biker types. Leather, tattoos and slightly rotten teeth seemed to fill the room, along with cheers and sneers as the groups paid little attention to anything else but the game which was currently going on in the middle. Reaching the actual bar area, he blanked the woman dressed in a little too much red as she tried to scoot closer to him and signalled for the bartender to head towards him.

"What can I get you?" The man asked instantly, already reaching down towards a beer glass, Dan supposed it was just one of those places where people drank little else. If it was any other night he probably would have quite happily hopped onto a stool and downed a few pints, but he was on a mission and that wasn't going to help.

"Nothing for me thanks mate. Listen I'm looking for someone, was wondering if you had seen him?" reaching into the top pocket of his jacket, Dan pulled out a small photograph of his brother and handed it over to the man in front of him. It was a long shot he knew it, but he had tried everywhere else in the area over the last two days and was getting desperate.

"Sorry man, not seen him, doesn't really seem the type to hang here." The bartender replied as he leant towards one of the others who were working and showed him the picture as well. When the other too shook his head, the man shrugged and handed the piece of paper back to Dan.

"Yeah it's not, but he's not really himself right now, thanks though." With that Dan placed the picture back where it had come from and slowly turned around and left again. He was seriously at this point running out of places to look, he had tried JD's apartment, he had tried sacred heart, the bar that the staff usually hung out at, and he had tried cafes, bars, clubs and random shopping centres. He'd left about 50 voice mail messages on JD's phone and had even got Dr Cox to hack into personnel files and call Kim's mother in the hopes he may have tried to contact her. Each new lead left him in the same place as the last and no closer to working out where on earth his brother had disappeared to.

After forcing Turk to tell him what the hell had happened the previous day he was far from surprised to hear JD had taken off, still he would have expected him to have turned up by now, instead he seemed to have turned his cell phone off and disappeared off the face of the earth. As a last resort before his bar crawls, Dan had even gone back to the park that Kim had first collapsed in, wondering if maybe he had morbidly decided to hang there. Thankfully he was wrong on that assumption too, it would have been far from healthy to have found him there.

Stepping outside into the semi fresh air, Dan let out a sigh and checked the time. Ten o'clock, meaning Elliot would just be leaving Sam for the night.

"God Johnny where the hell are you" Dan mumbled as he glanced up at the night sky and just stared at the stars for a few seconds. He remembered when they were younger and their dad having promised to take them out for the day, took them up a mountain near their home town and the three of them just sat under the stars for hours. It was a couple of years after their parents had divorced and their mum had just gotten remarried for the second time. They had begged him to spend time with them, and that was the only thing he could afford to do at the time.

Dan let out a small laugh as he remembered how uttly bored he had been as they just sat there, but JD was fixated with the views and he hadn't had the heart to voice that boredom. The kid was going through a bit of a hard time at school and seeing him smiling instead of running away for a change was sort of worth it. Besides it had got a hell of a lot better once their Dad decided to buy them both their first beer. At Ten years old it was no wonder the hatred for the taste had stayed with the younger Dorian for years after. Still he always called it the best day of his life for years after. Thinking about it, Dan supposed it had to have been the longest time they ever spent with their father; he kind of dropped in and out of their lives rather quickly after that.

"I wonder... Would you have?" Dan continued, as he creased his brows in concentration and continued to stare at the twinkling balls of light.. as Johnny had called them many times over the years. It was possible he supposed, JD had after all insisted on holding their fathers memorial service at the very same place. It made sense surely that that would be the place he headed to if he felt he needed to escape.

Without waiting another minute, Dan legged it back to his car, turned the ignition on and swerved out of the car park. If he hurried, he could probably make it before the little pub there called last orders.

I didn't... I got stopped by the police and issued with a driving ticket for driving over the speed limit.

Or almost did anyway.

As it happens, the past month of Johnny's life makes an excellent sob story when re telling it as your own, add a single tear rolling down your cheek and it turns out it is possible to talk your way out of one

Who knew?

Would definitely have to remember that one for next time

Pulling up the next morning at Reggie Rockets on top of the small mountainside, Dan rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and slowly got out of the car. It was 8am, meaning the pub wouldn't open for another hour but that didn't mean he couldn't take a seat on one of the many scattered benches and just watch as the world slowly came alive.

He had got there late last night, only to find the place surrounded by darkness with not a person in sight, a part of him felt like Johnny was still around somewhere, but with it being almost impossible to see he had settled for renting a room at a B and B and coming back at first light.

Even now the place seemed deserted, yet there was the odd walker and their dog that passed by. Taking out a packet of crisps, Dan sat on top of the wooden table top and just stared out at the scenery as he munched away on his breakfast. He had to admit, his brother had a point all those years ago in saying the place was rather breathtaking, even if he had back then been too stubborn and teenage boy-ie to entertain the idea himself.

"Please be here, please." he mumbled under his breath as he rubbed his fingers together awkwardly. Waiting was really not one of his strong points, in fact it was probably safe to say it was one of his worst qualities, he just didn't have the attention span necessary for sitting still for a prolonged period of time.

"Come on Johnny."

"Be here."

"Please."

Something else I wouldn't admit out loud was how worried I actually was. Johnny was definitely not the type of person to do something stupid, deep down I knew that, but I also knew how much death changed people and how careless he could actually be while drunk. Being on top of a mountain, with cliffs not that far off whilst intoxicated was not a good combination.

Especially since he was not made to be alone, he didn't like it, never had, never would. That's why I had to find him, no matter what I had to, I had to let him know he wasn't alone. That he had me and this time, this time I needed him to really believe it.

By mid day, Dan was starting to wonder if he'd got this all wrong, that going there was the worst idea he'd ever had, for all he knew Johnny could have been hit by a car and be laying in a hospital waiting for him somewhere as he just sat on a picnic bench.

That thought alone almost made him get up and rush to his car, but he didn't, he just sat there and waited, knowing that being here made the most sense out of everything and he had to prove, not just to JD but to himself as well, that he could be patient, he could wait for an unknown amount of time if that's what it came down to.

If his brother needed it, he would god damn do it. End of story.

Eventually the amount of people around started to pick up slightly and Dan could swear he was almost on double figures as he looked around him. As he heard a young kid screaming for his dad to spin him faster, Dan glanced back over his shoulder and smiled at the scene which greeted him. That was going to be his brother, and may be even him some day, playing with Sammy and x amount of other kids which came along together.

That was when he noticed it, a flock of dark hair in the distance and the large nose which could only belong to one person, sat on a rock watching the very thing he was. Slowly, as to not startle him, getting to his feet, Dan headed towards the direction of the 30 year old. When he was certain he wasn't going to bolt on his arrival, he increased his pace.

"Hi Johnny" Dan spoke out softly as he got closer to him, reaching out with his hand and placing it on the younger man's shoulders. JD looked up slightly at his brother, but didn't say a word, even as Dan moved to his left to take a seat beside him, his arm not once leaving its place around him.

" I have been looking for you everywhere kid, like EVERYWHERE." He continued, seeing as he wasn't going to get a response other than the brief acknowledgement. "Don't do that to me again okay, I'm getting a little old to be staying up all night." he joked, nudging the younger Dorian in the ribs. It seemed to have the desired affect though as a small, barely noticeable smile appeared at the corner of his mouth.

"Elliot and Coxie are taking it in turns being with Sammy, so don't worry he's fine. Missing his Daddy though." Dan paused, wondering if that was the right thing to say, before shrugging his shoulders and figuring he may as well continue. "Listen, I know about what happened with Christopher, I completely understand you wanting to run away. Everyone has their breaking point, but Johnny, it will get easier and you have a little boy that needs you, you need to come home now."

"I... can't" JD muttered, barely audible as he continued to watch the family in front of him, something he would never truly have, not anymore, not thanks to his so called best friend. "Sammy deserves so much better than all of this."

"He does, he deserves his mummy, but he can't have her" Dan replied instantly, letting go of JD and standing up, so he could squat down in front of him and get him to look him in the eye. He'd been thinking for three days straight what the hell he was going to say to JD, how he was going to comfort him and make him realise that things were going to be okay. He'd been trying so hard to come up with the right words, but now he was here, with his brother safely in front of him, he found everything he had been prepared for, was no longer relevant. He found that without even trying, that he knew exactly what he had to say, even if it wasn't the most softly coated speech in the world.

"He also deserves a father. Difference being he can have him. Now, I have said I understand Johnny and I do! But things are so different now, dealing with the real world may be tough, but you have a son, a little baby who needs your love and for you to be there for him more than anything. You don't get to run away anymore, to escape anywhere. Now is the time to grow up! That's it, line under the sand, yes, Chris was stupid and no I'm not telling you to forgive and forget, but you have to face things." He knew what he was about to say could either solve things or make them a hundred times worse, but looking at the young Doctor, he knew without a shadow of a doubt this is what he needed to hear." When things got tough, Dad always bailed, he was never there for us because he always thought running from mum's endless amount of new partners was a good idea. Don't be like him, don't just up and leave your kid no matter what is going on in your life. Now this drowning in self pity needs to stop and it needs to stop now. You said it yourself, Sammy deserves better. You can grieve for his mother, but you do that by his side, not miles away."

For a moment, silence fell upon them, even the laughter of the family in the background could no longer be heard as the two brothers just looked into each other's eyes.

"I'm exhausted Dan! Like completely, I don't know how to be a dad...How to deal with everything. I just... I don't, I cant sleep, not really, I just eat because I know I have to eat but I'm never hungry. I just... I don't know what's going on." JD eventually replied, looking away from his brother and wiping at his face to try and snap himself back in to reality. Dan shook his head sympathetically as he got back to his feet and stretched his aching calf muscles out.

"Of course you do." He replied slowly as he placed his hands down by his side. "You're a doctor, and if a patient came to you saying all of this stuff... you would know exactly how to help them. You would say about the stress about the grief... and you would tell them to see someone, to talk to them, to talk through everything inside of them, to help them rebuild that inner strength, as for being a dad. Just do everything our dad didn't, the rest you will figure out as time goes on."

Reaching out, Dan grabbed hold of JD's arms gently and pulled him to his feet. Shaking his head in a friendly sort of way as he reached over and once again slung his arms around the other man's shoulders. Knowing that at least some of what he said would have gotten through.

"Now we have a two hour drive back and a lunch stop before we hit Sammy's hospital... so get talking, every little thing you have on your mind about Kim, Chris, Elliot, anyone... I want it all off your chest, I will listen, laugh and growl where appropriate and you will finally get a few things out in the open. If any of it needs repeating to them, then repeat it, if not it goes no further... okay?"

JD nodded slowly, his eyes not once leaving his brothers as he led them both to the car. To be completely honest he wasn't really sure what had just happened, what he did know however was that Dan was right, he couldn't keep running away and if he was his own patient, he would have recommended grief concealing from the start.

(a/n) thanks so much to everyone still with this story and to all that reviewed :) Hope you liked the chapter. WOOP summer is here, so hopefully i will be able to get this story completed (finally!) by the end of it. Thats the plan anyway, i mean its been going on 4 years now its got to end sometime right haha (Holy crap i just checked and actually its 2 weeks of 5 years. Whooooooopss)