A/N: All my formatting got screwed up when I uploading this. Ugh.
It starts at midnight.
I'm not quite sure what that really means. Maybe Plutarch was being literal, and his meeting started at midnight. But that didn't seem right. It seemed like he was hinting at something, but I can't figure out what. Maybe something's going to happen at midnight. That's in a few minutes, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Nothing. Nothing happens at midnight. I tell myself I'm over thinking things, but I can't leave it alone. What starts at midnight? I have no idea. A reporter for some magazine comes over to me, and asks if I'll give her an interview. I shrug, why not? She warns me before entering one of the rooms, "Don't freak out, okay?" I'm not prepared for what I see when I walk in the small secluded room. Sitting on one of the two white couches is Finnick… great. My first instinct is to hug him or kiss him, but I compose myself.
"Hello, Finnick." I greet him curtly, turning to the reporter, who's sitting down across from him. "Why is he here?" I ask her, realizing I sound kind of bitchy. I sit on the couch to Finn, leaving a small distance between us.
"Katniss." He smiles at me. "You look beautiful, as always." Finn says smoothly. I roll my eyes.
"Well," the reporter starts, awkwardly pulling out a pen and notepad, "I was thinking I could interview you about the breakup. It's all Panem is talking about! So tell me Finnick, what really happened?"
He sighs, looking down at his hands. "Well I made a big mistake, you know that, and as a consequence I lost the best girl I've ever had."
"Katniss, how did you react when you found out Finnick had cheated on you?"
I sigh. Here comes the acting part. "Well, I was really angry, and then I was just upset. I loved Finnick a lot. But even if I didn't break up with him, things wouldn't have been the same, you know? Trust means a lot to me." I try not to smile, that would make it obvious that we're making all of this crap up.
She scribbles something on her notepad and then asks us one more question. She turns to Finnick, "Would you get back with Katniss?"
"If she wanted to, in a heartbeat." Finn smiles at me. I avert my gaze.
She looks at me, tucking a strand of her green hair behind her ear. "And what about you, Katniss? Would you ever consider getting back together with him?"
I shrug. "Maybe. Who knows?" She thanks us for our time, and I leave as soon as I can, not saying anything to either of them. I really hope I said the right things. I'm worried that we made it obvious that we're in love with each other. I try to enjoy the last hour of the party. I down a couple shots with Haymitch, chat with Gale and Effie (who's with all her friends) and dance to a bunch of songs, staying as far away from Finnick as possible. I'm so thankful when Effie's extreme timeliness drags all of us out of the party early. We cram into the back of the limo. Haymitch is passed out drunk, Gale's hair is mussed up beyond belief and his lips are bruised - I wonder who he made out with. I know that he has a thing for Cashmere, but she wasn't there. Whatever. It really isn't my buisness, and Gale and Cashmere aren't in a relationship or anything. Effie's golden wig is out of place, and I can see her light blonde hair peeking out from the front and back. I wonder why she doesn't use her natural hair. I'm sure it looks really nice.
"You did really well in there." Finnick tells me, kissing my forehead supportively. I wonder if he knows I've been stressing out about that interview. He's really good at reading my emotions. I lay my head on his shoulder.
"I hate not being open about us." I tell him, sadly. "But we can't tell them. The consequences for doing something against his wishes would be devastating." I look around to make sure Effie didn't hear. Thankfully, she's too busy chatting to a bored Gale about some type of new makeup line that her friend created.
"I know, I know. Me too." Finn strokes my cheek, kissing me quickly, "But we can't- there's just too much at stake. Not even our own lives but the lives of the people we care about. It's really scary, Katniss. What he's capable of is terrifying. He's in most of my nightmares. There's nothing he wouldn't do. I've heard stories from Haymitch and Jo." I know he's an evil man, but I've never seen what he's done to people who have disobeyed his wishes. I know that Seneca Crane suddenly died, but how? He was a healthy-looking person. They couldn't fake some type of sickness. I swallow hard, making a gulping noise. I don't think I want to know.
"I think it would be scarier if someone bad found out and spread it than if we spread it." I tell him. Honestly, everything about Snow scares me, but if someone else found out, than it wouldn't just be an act of defiance - someone would have seen us doing something couple-y. I squeeze his hand. "This whole situation is terrifying." He shakes his head in agreement. The car comes to a halt, and I quickly separate my body from his, sitting up straight, holding in my breath. I run my hands through my hair. We get out of the car, we're back at the training center. I don't know what I was expecting to happen when we stopped. This whole secrecy thing is getting me way too paranoid for my own good. I'm keeping secrets from pretty much everyone- my family, my friends, heck, even the President of Panem.
As soon as I get upstairs, I take off all of my clothes, even my bra- leaving just my underwear on. I don't bother to wash off my makeup, put up my hair, or even brush my teeth. I just crawl into bed, pull the soft blanket over my head, trying to block out all of my worries. I don't even notice Finn come into bed with me. My nightmares are terrible - President Snow kills all of Finn and my family and friends - my mother, Prim, Gale, Hazelle and the kids, Madge, Jo, Haymitch, Gloss and Cashmere, Adrienne, Finn's dad and Annie. Once we've watched them suffer a slow and painful death, we're killed ourselves. I wake up screaming.
"Katniss. Katniss." Finnick wakes me up by shaking me. I wipe my hair off my sweaty forehead. I sit up, and exhale slowly, trying to calm down my racing heart. "Are you okay?"
I shake my head no. "Yeah… I had a nightmare. Did I wake you?"
Finn shrugs. "Not really. I was having my own."
"Wanna talk about it?" I ask him.
He laughs. It's one of those dark, scary psychopathic laughs that makes you wonder if the person who laughs is even sane. "No way. Do you wanna talk about yours?" He knows I don't.
I sigh. "We're really fucked up, aren't we?" I laugh with him, at the craziness of this whole situation. I wonder if we have nightmares about the same things, or at least relatively the same things. Considering we have an almost identical life- from the loss of a parent, to a sister getting reaped, to being in the games, having to hide your relationship from the press, being reaped, become a whore and watching your world fall apart, we've been through a lot of the same things. I don't know how I would have turned out if I didn't have Finnick to help me through all of this. I don't even want to think of the what-if's. They're too scary to contemplate.
"That's an understatement." Finn smiles at me. It doesn't reach his eyes. He kisses me a little rougher than usual. I lay my head on the pillow. He's partly on top of me, partly on my side. It must be a little awkward for him. "Lie with me?" He asks. I smirk at the double-meaning. I'm laying in bed with him, but we're both lying about the same things together.
"Of course. Always." I curl up into Finnick's side, wishing his arms could protect me from myself. It doesn't work like that. I try to get a few more hours of sleep.
"Jeez." I hear someone say. I sit up startled. "I've always wanted to see your naked boobs, but not in these circumstances." It's Gale. He must be here to wake us up. I pull the blanket over my bare chest, embarrassed. "Odair. Catnip. Get up. We're leaving for the train home in less than an hour."
Shit. Gale closes the door and I scramble around the room, packing all my things, and throwing on some clothes and makeup. I'm finished before Finnick is, which is kind of weird considering that guys usually take a lot less time to get ready than girls. They don't have to do their hair or makeup or anything like that. We grab our bags and make our way to the train station.
We all eat breakfast on the train, minus Haymitch who's grumpy and hung over, as usual. Effie chatters about how amazing the party at the President's house was last night, and how it's all anyone is going to be talking about for a long time. We all pretend to care. After breakfast, Finnick, Gale and I decide to watch the gossip channel on the Capitol television in the lounge. Effie has to make phone calls. The gossip channel is basically a television show like the nightly news where a Capitol woman talks about the most recent celebrity gossip. It's like reading all the tabloids for the whole day in less than half an hour. It's a lot easier than looking through all of them. Honestly, I could care less about all the junk they talk about. But I need to stay on top of Capitol fashion trends to keep up with all my customers, and make it look like I really am a celebrity. I also like to see what they say about me, if they do. The tabloids haven't really said anything about me since Finnick and I 'broke up', except for a few positive comments on my outfit choices for various outings.
The reporter talks about mundane, uninteresting things that don't affect any of us, but the decides to talk about the party last night. She mentions Gale's suit, my dress and my lipstick as well as Effie Trinket's shoes. Finnick makes the volume louder. "...magazine got to interview Katniss Everdeen and Finnick Odair. I'm surprised she got them in the same room!" The live audience laughs. She turns to the page in today's magazine that has the article about us. They show it on the screen so we can see it and I read it from the screen. I'm flabbergasted. They claim that we're still in love, that Finnick would get back with me "in a heartbeat" and that I "loved him". The quotes were taken way out of context. On top of the article is a picture of us in the car heading back from the training center. I'm leaning my head on his shoulder. "Ladies and gentlemen! I think it's safe to say our favorite couple is back together!" The crowd goes wild. I reach for the remote to turn the tv off, but Finn throws it at the screen, shattering it into millions of pieces.
"Holy shit. You guys didn't even say that, did you?" Gale asks. I shake my head no, unable to form words.
I hear Finnick mutter someone's name. It sounds a lot like Annie. He looks up at me, and I see a look in his I've never seen before. Sheer terror. After a minute, he manages to form words. "Who is he going to kill? Annie? Prim? Johanna?"
"I don't know…" I manage to whisper. "Can we not think about this?" I hug Finnick, trying to hold myself together. Someone I care about is going to die. Finnick did a great job. I should have made it more clear that I didn't have feelings for him.
"We can't not think about this." Finn whispers.
"Aren't you guys being a bit dramatic?" Gale asks. "I mean it's just the press."
"You don't get it." I shake my head.
"Snow wanted us to break up. This makes it look like we went against his wishes. He's gonna kill someone one of us care about as punishment. He also just really likes using any excuse to make us suffer. Isn't that why there's a Games in the first place? 75 years ago, a group of people committed crimes, so 23 kids die. That seems reasonable."
Gale frowns. "That really sucks. And you've been living with all that stress for what? 10 years?"
"A little less. They couldn't touch me until I was sixteen. So seven, eight years. I've seen the consequences of his wrath on my friends, and on me. I care enough about my friends and family enough that I'll keep on living so they can. They tried to kill the first- no the second - girl I ever cared about, and my kid sister. Annie was lucky enough to survive, and she was so mentally unstable after that she didn't have to be sold. Dahlia didn't make it out, which was pretty lucky on her part. She would've ended up like us, and a life like this is worse than death. I guess that's just my opinion."
"Do you ever wish you had died in your games." Gale asks. I wonder if he realizes that he's getting really personal. I don't question it because he's actually having a decent conversation with Finn.
Finnick sighs. "Honestly? All the time. If I had just died in the arena, then Annie and Dahlia would be alive, you wouldn't have been reaped in the first place, and Katniss probably would be with a good boyfriend."
I shush Finn, kissing him quickly. "Don't you dare say that. I love you, okay? And we have each other. We're going to be okay." Finn squeezes my hand. "You're a great boyfriend. And I wouldn't have been able to get a better boyfriend who understands me like you do. The only other guy who would even possibly date one of us would be Gloss. And that would be… absolutely no way. Let's not even think about that. He's a good friend, but just… no."
Finnick laughs, and even cracks a smile. "I love you too. But you deserve better."
I shake my head. "I think you have it the other way around." I lean into him, and kiss him. I think I hear Gale make a pretend gagging noise, but I don't really process it. It's just my lips on his, his lips on mine. The whole world melts away. I pull away reluctantly, after a few moments. I grasp Finn's hand in mine. "Look, this sucks. We're gonna get through this, together- okay? And besides, we don't know what Snow's thinking. Maybe he asked that interviewer to publish something like this." I point out. We have no idea what goes on in Snow's psychotic mind. Then again, nobody does. He always manages to surprise me.
I hear a grumpy Haymitch stumbles into the room, clearly hung over. He's mumbling curses under his breath, which wreaks of alcohol, which is a little bit premature considering he just woke up. "You two are in so much trouble." Haymitch pulls both of us up and into his car. We sit on two chairs, and he sits across from us. "I heard what happened. It's going to be a huge fucking mess. Look, I know two you didn't do this on purpose. I know you didn't want it out in the public, or at least not yet. But it's out there, and that's a big problem. Believe me, messing around with the President is a bad idea, but when the President is Snow, that's practically a death wish. Do you two know what you've done?" He pauses for a minute but then adds, "Even if it was unintentional."
"I honestly don't want to know." Finnick mumbles. I agree with him completely.
"Um, we've pissed off the most powerful man alive, who already hated us, and this is going to lead to our death or the death of our loved ones." I say, summarizing everything pretty well, if I do say so, myself. I think I understand consequences fairly well.
Haymitch sighs loudly. "Exactly. Trust me. It's not going to be quick, and it's going to be very painful. For whoever he chooses to get rid of, it'll physically be agonizing. But for you two, it'll be a lot worse. You'll have to live with that pain. That you'll love." I glance at Finnick, and he nods wearily. We both know Haymitch is speaking from experience. "So what are you two gonna do about it?"
What are we going to do about this? I have no idea. I look at Finnick, and can tell he's out of ideas, just as I am. We're not going to be productive for a bit. We're still processing all of this. It's a lot to handle. I don't know who Snow'll take out - Prim, my mother, even Annie. "Um, we try to fix things?" I suggest.
Haymitch laughs. "Good luck with that, sweetheart. The damage is done. My only suggestion for you is that you help yourself to a drink - trust me, you're gonna need quite a few of them by the time he's done. On top of that, the freaking Quell is going to be announced in a week."
"Haymitch," Finnick looks up, scared. "Do you think they'll hurt her?"
"If they did it before, what's stopping them now?" He rolls his eyes at Finn, like it's the most obvious thing. "I'm going back to bed. You two drink something for me. You'll need it almost more than I will. And that's scary."
I spend most of the two-day train ride passed out drunk, drinking, lying in bed curled up with Finn, or asleep. And I like it that way, in all honesty. I'm not a huge fan of all the cruelties this world has to offer. And my world seems to have a lot of them. When we get home to District 12, I have to act like nothing out of the ordinary has happened on this tour. Like nobody's life is endangered from my stupid actions. I've always been bad at pretending. That doesn't stop me from trying though. I do my makeup and hair, and grin and hug my family members when I see them. To my surprise, Johanna seems to have a soft spot for Prim. I think it's cute. And when I see Prim's fingers intertwined in Rory's, and their matching elated expressions, I know that Jo must have helped that out. I owe her one. Even my mother is warm to Finnick, and very motherly to me, which is a very nice change. She really cares about me, and I can see it clearly now. I better not get too attached - she might get killed any day now. Thanks to my stupidity.
District 12's Harvest Festival this year is phenomenal. There's musicians and catering from the Capitol. Everyone in the whole district will have full stomachs tonight. That's enough of a good feeling for a victor to stop wallowing in self-pity for a night, and be happy with the fact they killed people for this. It seems justifiable. Everyone dances in the town square, and everyone has a great time. Mayor Undersee makes a long speech about how he's known Gale for years, and how he's a great kid with a bright future, and how lucky we are that he was stayed strong during his Games. Gale even drinks a bit - to Hazelle's dismay, but he doesn't over do it. Johanna pulls me aside during one of the popular songs. "Hey," she says, an unusual amount of kindness in her voice, "Haymitch told me everything. Don't worry too much, sometimes these things are out of your control. These reporters are bat-shit crazy." We both laugh.
"Does it ever get better? The pain of losing one of your family members?" I ask her, already knowing the answer. The whole in my heart where my father should be will never be filled. Sure, it could get patched up, but it'll never really heal.
Johanna frowns for a minute before answering me, "Honestly, no. Things'll never be exactly the same ever again. But you find a new normal." She looks down at her black shoes, the tops peeking out from the skirt of her long, dark blue dress. Her hair has grown out a bit, and goes down to her shoulders now. I wonder what Johanna does all day. I don't know if I really want an answer to that. I see a group of little kids playing around, chasing each other holding cans of canned fruit. I smile at Johanna.
"See that?" I point the kids out to her, "Seeing that is the best feeling ever. Knowing that having me and Gale win keeps their stomachs filled. The people we killed didn't die for nothing, you know?" Johanna nods, a tight-lipped smile ghosting across her mouth for a fraction of a second before her expression returns to her normal, indifferent pout. Haymitch and Finn come over to us.
"Mind if I borrow her?" Finn asks Johanna playfully.
"Please. I'm getting sick of her anyways." She jokes. Johanna's tone makes her sound serious, but I know she doesn't mean it. Finn takes my hand, and pulls me onto the dance floor for a slow song. I stand close to him with my arms around his shoulders. Finn puts his around my waist. We sway slowly like the other couples on the dance floor, barely moving at all.
"This is the dance we never had back in the Capitol." Finnick murmurs to me, his voice barely above a whisper. He's making sure that if anyone is actually watching us, or trying to listen, they can't hear what we're saying. "You know, I'm terrified for what might happen next. But I'll never regret being in love with you." He says matter-of-factly. I press my lips to his.
"I love you, Finnick Odair. That's not going to change, even if it kills me." I tell him. Anyone listening in would think the moment is cute or romantic. It is, but I'm also stating our possible fate. We messed with the president, and that always ends with a body count. I shake those thoughts out of my head. All I want is to be able to enjoy these moments while I can.
"Katniss, wake up." Finnick shakes me lightly. I stir, and look at him quizzically. "They're going to announce the Quell." Shit. I must have dozed off at the desk chair, while checking Prim's homework. The clock says it's seven, and the sunset outside my window agrees. We all cram into the living room - Haymitch and Jo, Mom, Hazelle, Gale, Prim and Rory, Vick and Posy, and Finn and I.
President Snow comes out with a small boy wearing all white, who hands him a box. Snow opens the card labeled 75 in neat script. He slowly tears open the sealed envelope, building suspense. I squeeze Finn's hand so hard, he has to shake me off. President Snow clears his throat before reading the card out loud to all of Panem. "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among us cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."
Gale curses. My mother shrieks. I just feel confused. What does that even mean? I pause, and then I get it. I get why Johanna sprinted out the door, slamming it behind her, and while everyone is staring at me, waiting to gauge my reaction. There's only one living female victor to choose from, from District 12. That victor is me.
I am going back into the arena.
A/N: Thoughts? Make sure to R & R!
I was so emotional writing this.