Lessons
April 13th 1912
Morning
I woke the next morning feeling about as lively and chipper as the seventh circle of hell. My head was pounding and the light hurt my eyes. My stomach churned, making me feel queezy. There was a knock at the door that sounded like an iron first on an metal. I felt lousy and sick. With a groan I rolled over and pulled the covers over my head, trying to block out the noise and light that was doing nothing for my head.
I will never, ever, under any circumstances drink as much as I did last night, I vowed inwardly and Arlene answered the door.
I could hear soft voices and I recognized Tommy's Irish brogue as he asked, "Is she awake?"
Arlene said something to Tommy that I failed to catch. She then turned to her children, who were playing on their bed, "Declan, go wake Emily, will you?"
Declan did as he was told. He jumped down from his bed and clambered up onto my bunk, shaking my shoulder, "Emily," he said, "There is a man at the door for you."
I groaned loudly in response. I could hear Tommy's chuckle at the doorway. Declan shook my shoulder harder but I was refusing to move. He then crawled to the end of my bed, yanking the sheets right off my body. I sat up, glowering at the little imp. He smiled then scrambled down off my bed. I climbed down after him, wrapping myself in a blanket to maintain some modestly. I ran my fingers through my blonde hair as Arlene stepped aside, letting Tommy in. She grabbed up her children and they quietly left the room, leaving Tommy and I.
"How are you feeling?" Tommy asked.
"Stout is the devil himself," I replied, rubbing my temples. My head ached terribly.
Tommy chuckled softly, fishing something out of his pocket, "Here," he replied, handing me a breakfast roll, "You slept in late so I took the liberty of getting you something to eat. It will help with your head."
"Thanks," I murmured, taking the roll. I nibbled on it, taking a seat on one of the bunk beds.
"The roll dosen't come without a price though," Tommy said cheekily. He crossed his arms, leaning against the bed post.
I looked up at him. I should have expected that.
"You did promise you would teach me how to read," Tommy reminded.
I groaned. I had completely forgotten about the lessons. I took another bite of roll.
"I do not feel good today Tommy," I complained, "Besides, the library wont let us borrow. We don't have any books."
Tommy grinned, "You may not, but I do," he said simply, "Go ahead and get dressed, I'll meet you outside," Tommy added, slipping out and shutting the door behind him.
I sighed but did as I was told. I hurried and finished the roll then pinned my hair up and donned on a simple dress. I struggled with my corset, seeing as neither Helga nor Arlene were there to help, but I managed. Once done, I found Tommy out in the hall, smoking a cigarette. He glanced at me and smiled. He pulled out something from inside his jacket pocket and handed it to me. It was a small book.
"Poetry from Emily Dickinson," I said, "Interesting. Why would a man who can't read have poetry with him?" I asked.
Tommy and I walked along the hallway, making our way to the promenade deck, "Remember how I mentioned I would get in trouble more often than not? How I had a tendency to steal?" Tommy asked.
I raised an eyebrow, looking at Tommy, "A tendency?"
"It's in the past," Tommy reminded me gruffly, "I always wanted to know how to read so one day I took a book and tried to teach myself. It didn't fare well, obviously."
"Well, Dickinson isn't the easiest thing to read," I laughed. I opened the book and started flipping through the pages, trying to find simple words to start with. I had no idea how to teach, I had never done it before in my life. I wasn't sure how this was going to go either; neither Tommy or I were very patient. I gave it ten minutes before one of us lost our tempers and gave up. I figured I would just start from the basics and go from there. Hopefully Tommy was a fast learner.
We were walking along B Deck, when I spotted Jack and Fabrizio, heading our direction. Jack was marching with determined steps, Fabrizio close behind him saying, "Jack! Why go after her?"
"Because Fabrizio," Jack said, "I'm going to let her slip through my fingers."
They strode right past Tommy and I, Jack barley even looking up. We fell in step with Fabrizio behind Jack.
"What's up with Jackie?" Tommy asked.
Fabrizio shrugged, "It is Jack! He wants to go back for Rose. He tried to find her this morning, but they wouldn't let him."
"It was that Mr. Lovejoy," Jack grumbled, looking over his shoulder at me.
Tommy glanced at me and I shrugged.
"Forget it boyo," Tommy said, grabbing Jack's arm and turning him so that he faced us, "That was a one time thing."
Jack stopped, frowning at us. He didn't say anything.
"Try and talk some sense into him, will you Emily?" Tommy asked, turning to me.
I looked between Tommy, Jack and Fabrizio, all three men looking back at me with anticipation. I bit my lip.
"If Jack wants to find her, then let him," I said. Jack smiled at me gratefully then continued walking. Fabrizio's shoulders fell slightly and Tommy's expression was unreadable. I felt their eyes on me and I followed Jack. This is why I was doing this, for Jack's happiness.
"What's gotten into her?" I heard Tommy asked Fabrizio before they began following us.
"She's a goddess amongst mortal men, there's no denying," Tommy said about Rose as we all slipped through the gate to the second class deck, "But she's in another world, Jackie, forget her. She's closed the door."
"It was them closing the door, not Rose. It's her fiancé and her mother and all those people that are holding her back," Jack replied determinedly. We made our way along second class deck, avoiding Titanic crew. Jack led the way as we moved to the wall below A Deck promenade. He pulled himself up to peer through the iron bars onto the first class deck. He turned looked at us.
"Emily, keep watch," Jack said and I nodded. Jack turned to Tommy, "Give me a boost."
Tommy glanced between Fabrizio and I before lacing his fingers together and crouching down. Jack placed his foot in Tommy's clasped hands and Tommy hoisted him up. Jack climbed nimbly over the railing onto first class deck.
"Thanks," Jack called over the railing before disappearing to go find Rose.
"Let's go!" I hissed, spotting a crew man coming around the corner.
"He's not being logical I tell you," Tommy said with a shake of his head.
"Amore is a not logical," Fabrizio said as we made our way back to the third class promenade deck. Just as we reached the little gate to the stairs, the crew man spotted us.
"Back down to third class where you belong!" The man snapped, striding towards us.
"We go! We go!" Fabrizio said and the crew man latched the gate behind us.
We walked along the third class deck together until Fabrizio found Helga at the stern with her parents. He turned to Tommy and I, bid us goodbye, then went off to join them. I waved him off. Once we were alone again, Tommy turned to me as we walked.
"What was that about?" He asked.
"What?"
"Encouraging Jackie to find his girl," Tommy replied.
"Why shouldn't I?" I asked, "It's like I said, by this time tomorrow, Jack and Rose will have gone their seperate ways. Might as well let him have his happiness now," I replied simply, ending the conversation. I indicated to the book, "Let's get this done with, shall we?"
Tommy pursed his lips, looking like he wanted to say more. I didn't let him. I didn't want to have this conversation anymore. Instead, I took a seat on one of the lounge chairs, flipping open the book to a random page. It was a warm day, with a cold sea breeze coming off the water and the sun beating down on Titanic's decks. We started the lessons. I came to learn that Tommy wasn't completely illiterate. The few years of schooling he had before he had to leave to work on his family farm, had not been wasted. Teaching him wasn't too difficult. The hardest part about reading for him was putting the words together.
"Try this one," I said after an hour or so, handing Tommy the book, pointing to one of the words.
Tommy sighed took the book, "Ad..ad...abdominal?"
I shook my head, "There's no 'B' so try again."
"Ad...advise?"
"No, again."
"Dammit," Tommy muttered, looking the word over again. His brow knitted in concentration and he worked the cigarette in his mouth thoughtfully. I smirked. It was cute the way he puzzled over the words.
"The next letter is a 'J,'" I offered, trying to help him out. After almost an hour of practice, I could tell Tommy's patience was wearing thin. I was surprised that either of us had lasted this long.
"Adjacent? Adjourn? Adjust?" Tommy said, looking at me.
I sighed, "Now you're just guessing, Tommy."
"Can you blame me? This is bloody ridiculous," Tommy growled.
"It just takes practice," I insisted.
Tommy looked ready to throw the book off the ship, "Practice is a waste of time," he brushed off, closing the book and siting back in the chair, smoking his cigarette.
"Practice, is what makes you better," I shot back, crossing my arms.
Tommy just glowered at me, frustrated with himself and with me. I raised an eyebrow, and crossed my arms, both of us challenging the other.
"Look who's being a pain in the ass now," I snapped and reached across Tommy's lap for the book, "Here, listen to it all together," I said. I turned to the page we were at and read the poem for him.
"All but Death, can be Adjusted—
Dynasties repaired—
Systems—settled in their Sockets—
Citadels—dissolved—
Wastes of Lives—resown with Colors
By Succeeding Springs—
Death—unto itself—Exception—
Is exempt from Change—"
"See? It's sounds nice when you put it all together," I replied, "It just takes time."
Tommy just looked at me thoughtfully before asking, "What does it mean?"
"Well," I said, looking over the poem, "It means that there is power in change and anything can happen. Except death, death is the only thing permeant,"
"Well that depressing," Tommy said, rolling his cigarette between his teeth.
"Well it's the truth," I contradicted, "Everything can be made different if you have the bravery to change it."
"Like changing a status?" Tommy asked, referring to my angst against growing up with a first class grandmother, and as a result escaping to America on a third class ticket.
"Exactly," I replied, "Or changing of a person," I hinted towards Tommy and his own want for change in America, "Like Dickinson said, wastes of lives can be resown with color."
Tommy nodded and we lapsed into silence. I looked up, just as Jack was approaching us. He had a curious expression on his face, one I couldn't quite read. He looked content, but slightly confused. He ran his hands through his hair, making my stomach knot, and stopped in front of us.
"How did it go?" I asked, closing the book and setting it aside.
"Good, I think," Jack said slowly, looking around the deck. He looked a little lost on what to do.
"What do you say?" Tommy asked.
"I, uh, told her the truth," Jack replied, "I told her how I felt about her, that I cared and I wanted the best for her. I told her I couldn't leave her unless I knew for sure that she was going to be okay," Jack said with a sigh and sat down next to us, "They're suffocating her and I can't watch that happen."
"So now what?" Tommy asked.
"Now I wait," Jack said, standing again and putting his hands in his pocket. He seemed restless, "I told her what needed to be said, now I just need to wait and see how she feels...I think I'm going to head for the bow," Jack added and turned to leave.
I jumped up, "I'll come with you," I offered.
Jack glanced at me, "Alone," he said, then walked off the direction of the bow, where Jack Fabrizio and I had been the first day we were on Titanic. Now, it seemed like a lifetime away. I took my seat again slowly, feeling dejected.
"Are you okay?" Tommy asked after a few minutes of silence.
I wasn't sure. I felt a surge of emotions, emotions I couldn't quite make sense of, and I wasn't sure what to do with them. Something changed in Jack. He was turning into a man I couldn't understand. Before I could decipher him with a glance, but now, it was like he was different man. Was this because of Rose? Jack and I shared everything and did everything before Titanic. Now, it was like I was no more than a stranger on a boat. Was he moving on? Was I being replaced?
One more day, I reminded myself.
I looked at Tommy, "I think so," I replied truthfully and opened the book again, needing the distraction.
Tommy nodded, taking the book from my hands as I pointed out a new word for him to try. Tommy was a fast and eager learner, I just wish I was a better teacher. We managed to keep our tempers under control through the rest of the lesson and Tommy was catching on quick. Another hour or so flew by but by the end of the lesson, I was just reading the poems aloud to Tommy. I think he liked listening to me; he laid back with his eyes closed, smoking his cigarette.
A the sound of footsteps approaching once again I looked up from the book. When I stopped, Tommy glanced up at me. Rose was walking towards us, beaming with happiness and looking flustered. She was smiling gently, dressed in a dark velvet blue dress.
"Evening Rose," Tommy grunted, sitting up straighter.
"Evening Tommy, Emily," she greeted.
"Are you looking for Jack?" I asked.
Rose blushed, "Is it that obvious?"
"Well, I highly doubt you snuck onto third class deck to see Tommy or I," I replied curtly.
"Right, well, do you know where he is?" Rose asked.
I indicated with my head towards the front of the ship, "He should be at he bow," I replied.
Rose nodded her head and walked off. I felt Tommy's eyes on me and I stood up and followed her a few steps.
"More sneaking around? I thought you learned your lesson," Tommy teased, smirking as he held his cigarette between his fingers.
I rolled my eyes, "A curious mind is a healthy one," I replied.
"Yes, well, we'll see about that," Tommy said, but I was already off in the direction of the bow.
I followed Rose until she reached Jack. She hesitated before saying something. He turned to her, a wide smiling gracing his face. I stood back, ducking behind a set of steps to the second class deck. I peered between the steps. I couldn't hear anything they said but their actions were loud enough. Jack helped Rose onto the front railing of the bow. She wobbled precariously, so Jack placed his hands on her hips to steady her. He was whispering in her ear, then slowly he began lifting her arms so they were opened up in front of her.
"I'm flying!," Rose cried breathlessly, "Jack!"
Even from my position, I could see the dreamy smile on both their faces. Jack leaned into Rose and she melted against him. They stood like that for a minute, the wind whipping at their clothes and hair. Jack reached out, lacing his fingers through Rose's tenderly, then they brought their arms in together. Rose turned her body into Jack, tilting her head back.
They kissed. It was delicate at first, then more passionate as Jack and Rose leaned into each other. I had never seen anyone kiss like that before. It was so full of love and passion, it was a kiss that had defied all odds in order to happen. A kiss that had been fought for. A kiss that sealed a destiny.
It was at that moment that I came to terms with what was really happening. It hit me like a wave on the ocean, with so much force it knocked the wind from my lungs and I found it hard to breath. This was not some silly crush. It was love. A deep and real love. This would not end when Titanic docked in America, but would carrying on. All this that Jack and Rose fought for was going to last and they would be together.
I stepped back, turning and running back to my room. I needed to get away from it all; get away from Jack and Rose and everyone else on the ship. There was only so many places I could go on Titanic though. I ran across the deck and down the hall, struggling to keep my emotions under control. I ran to my cabin, throwing myself at the door and slamming it behind me. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt hot, like I was suffocating, and my head pounded from an entirely different reason other than all the drinks from the night before.
Jack was slipping through my fingers with each passing moment and there was nothing I cold do to stop it. I was loosing my best friend and the man I had grown to love. How on earth could I tell him how I felt? Rose and Jack were deeply in love, and I was a fool to try and convince myself otherwise. There was no way I could compete with someone like Rose.
I gasped, feeling a few thick tears spill over my cheeks. It was so bloody hot! I reached behind me, unbuttoning my dress with shaking hands as fast as I could. Once I was free I tried unlacing my corset. My fingers trembled with the laces, but they were so tight I couldn't loosen them. I dropped to me knees. I felt like screaming, on the point of hysteria, when there was a soft knock at the door.
"Go away!" I practically shouted between the tears.
"Emily, it's me," Tommy said, through the door.
"Go away!" I repeated, whipping at my face.
Tommy opened the door anyways, slipping inside. He looked at me, half dressed on the floor in only my corset and chemise, crying. I covered my face with my hands, feeling ashamed at myself for loosing control. I couldn't stop myself. Tommy grabbed a blanket from off my bunk, throwing it over my shoulders and kneeling down so he was my height.
His kindness only brought more tears. I tried taking some shaky breaths to calm down, but it was no use. Tommy, taking hold of my shoulders, helped me to Helga's bunk. We sat quietly, me wrapped in a blanket and crying on Tommy's shoulder, while Tommy put his arms around me. He didn't say anything, just held me, occasionally stroking my hair.
"This was supposed to be the Ship of Dreams," I finally mumbled, my voice breaking from crying to much.