A/N: Here is Ch.3. It definitely has it's light and dark moments. Over all I think I did all right though.
Let me know what you think, if you have any suggestions as to what you'd like to see or a song I could possibly use or you'd like to see used. The lyrics don't have to be just dark either. I'm looking for hope filled ones too!
Anyways, as always the only thing I own is the plot. The characters belong to Kay Cannon and Universal Studios. The song used in this chapter is Last Resort by Papa Roach and the right belong to them.
As always have a lovely day or evening and enjoy.
*TRIGGER WARNING* Self harm is very prominent in this chapter so be for warned.
I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong, would it be right?
If I took my life tonight,
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
and I'm contemplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Beca went to her second support group meeting that Wednesday and managed to at least make it through without getting into trouble again. Two weeks later she started her sophomore year of high school. It was just as she expected it would be, awful. People stared at her, ignored her, ran into her, you know, the usual. Thankfully her last hour of the day was a free period so she could just sit in the library and avoid people until it was time to leave.
She was just getting her stuff ready when she she felt someone sit down next to her at the library table.
"Hey you!" She heard. Turning her attention toward the source of the voice, she was less than surprised to find the bubbly redhead from her support group sitting next to her. Of course she would be a high schooler.
"Stalking me now?" Beca asked with a smirk.
"I went here first. Technically you're stalking me." She retorted, a grin of her own forming on her lips. Beca couldn't help but laugh at that.
"Touché." Beca responded then stood. Her stuff all packed.
"Are you walking?" Chloe asked almost to excitedly.
"Maybe." Beca answered plainly. Hoping that by some unseen force the girl would just leave it alone. Of course she didn't.
"I'll walk with you."
"What part of "I walk alone" didn't you understand the first time?" Beca still couldn't understand why this girl was so keen on bothering her but it was beginning to annoy her.
"The part where you thought I would actually listen to you." She quipped. Beca smirked at hearing this. Okay so maybe she didn't find this girl to be COMPLETELY annoying.
"Whatever." Beca scoffed after quickly schooling her features and rolling her eyes.
Just as predicted the girl followed her closely as Beca made her way through the halls to the front of the school.
"So are you going tonight?" Chloe asked after five minutes of silence.
"It's not like I have much of a choice." She muttered.
"Everyone has a choice." The redhead said as if reminding her of something important.
"Not if I don't want to end up in a psych ward I don't." Beca retorted sarcastically.
"Is that why you joined the group?"
"Do you really think I'd be there if I didn't have to be?" Beca asked shooting the redhead a questioning look.
"Well you did make your first meeting… entertaining."
"Yeah what's up with those things anyways? They're SOOO boring. How can you guys stand it?"
"It's not boring Beca. It's therapeutic! Share tonight and you'll see!" She exclaimed.
"Thanks but I'll pass. Sharing isn't really my thing."
"Then what is?" She inquired. Beca needed to think of something to redirect the conversation away from her and fast.
"Puppies." She replied with a lie. In reality she was actually allergic to dogs. Chloe didn't need to know that though.
"Oh my god really!? I love dogs! Especially puppies!" Good job on the diversion Beca, she mentally high-fived herself.
"Do you have any dogs?" She heard Chloe ask.
"Nope." Beca answered giving an extra pop to the p.
"Well you can come to my house sometime then! I have a dog named Snowden. She's a sweetheart!" Chloe all but squealed as she tugged at Beca's arm. Beca cringed at the contact and at the high pitch of Chloe's voice.
"Thanks but no thanks. Also, Snowden? What kind of a name is that?!"
"Don't judge it! When I was little I was always coming up with these weird names and with my own words for things. So when we got Snowden and I saw she was all white I immediately knew I wanted her name to be Snow. But that wasn't original enough for me so I added the den part so that she would have her own unique name!" Chloe explained.
"Sounds fascinating." Beca said as they exited through the front doors of the school. There was already buses and parents in cars waiting outside.
"You know it's kind of a long walk from here. I could call my mom and she could give you a ride." Beca knew she was trying to make it sounds like a statement but it came out as more of a question.
"Thanks but no thanks. I like the walk. It's… therapeutic as you put it."
"But it's like an hour walk from here!" Chloe exclaimed.
"An hour and a half actually. It's five miles from here to my dad's house." Beca clarified.
"Okay first, how do you know that? Second, you'd rather walk that instead of getting a ride?!" Beca had to smile at the shocked face Chloe was making.
"I used to walk everywhere when I lived with my mom and she lived in a city much bigger than this one. Walking here is like taking a stroll compared to where I used to live. And I know how many miles it is because I Googled it. You can find practically anything on Google. In fact if you can't find it on Google it doesn't exist." Beca replied. Chloe laughed at hearing this and Beca couldn't help but smile back.
"I don't think I've ever heard that before but you have a point." She said while still giggling.
"Of course I do. Keep hanging out with me and you'll find that I'm always right." Beca remarked without thinking about what she was saying. The moment she shut her mouth however she immediately berated herself for letting her guard down, even if it was only for a second. She wasn't sure what it was but this redhead made it extremely easy for her to forget about always being guarded and just be... well just be herself.
"No one's ever 100% right all the time." Chloe stated.
"Google is." Beca found herself responding.
"Nuh uh! Even Google gets it wrong sometimes!" Chloe joked. Beca stopped walking upon hearing this. When Chloe noticed Beca was no longer by her side she too stopped and looked for her. When she gazed back and saw Beca standing there with a completely horrified expression on her face she panicked a little.
"What?!" She questioned hastily.
"You just insulted Google!" Beca gasped. Chloe visibly relaxed and even laughed a little.
"I didn't insult Google. I simple stated a fact." She clarified. Beca only shook her head.
"Nope. You most definitely can NOT walk with me now!" Beca exclaimed and once again began walking. Chloe couldn't help but roll her eyes.
"You're such a drama queen." She teased.
"Bitch please! Fuck being the queen! I'm the King of Drama! I'm a drama king!" Beca declared proudly, causing Chloe to laugh loudly. The two then began the long trek towards Beca's house.
About 10 minutes in it occurred to Beca that this was the second time Chloe had in a sense "walked her home" and yet Beca didn't actually know where it was the fiery haired maiden lived.
"So you know this is the second time you've stalked and followed me to my house but I actually have no idea where you live. I mean do you even live by me or do you really just trail beside me until I go inside and then have your mother come and pick you up and take you home?" Beca interrogated.
"You caught me! How did you do it so fast?!"
"Google." Beca replied very seriously. This caused the ginger to burst out in a loud but somehow extremely sexy (wait what?) laugh.
"But seriously I do live by you. I live a block over in the white house on the corner." Chloe answered after she caught her breath and settled down some.
"How cliché." Beca commented.
"Hey! It's a nice house actually. You'll just have to come over and see for yourself." She said.
"That's the second time in a 30 minute period that you've invited me to your house. You must really want to get in my pants huh?" Beca had to try extremely hard to not laugh at Chloe's face. She blanched before her cheeks turned red and her jaw fell open slightly.
"OhmygodnothatisSOnotwhyIinvitedyouover! If that's the impression you got I'm so-"
"Woah there Red slow down before you hurt yourself. I was just teasing you. But if that's how you're going to respond every time I might just have to do it more often." Beca chuckled.
"Oh my gosh you're such a jerk!" Chloe screeched as she pushed Beca gently. Beca took this opportunity to milk the action by unceremoniously tripping and falling to the ground.
"Beca! I'm so sorry are yo-" She rolled Beca over to find she was laughing uncontrollably.
"You're such an ass!" Chloe yelled as she hit Beca's arm.
"Ouch! Stop! I already told you I don't have any money! Just leave me alone!" Beca shouted loudly.
"You are SUCH a drama queen!" Chloe groaned but still offered her hand for Beca to take. She accepted it and stood.
"I told you I'm not a drama queen, I'm a drama king. And I'm not the one pushing down poor defenseless people and then badgering them afterward." Beca informed, her signature smirk glued in place
"Whatever!" Chloe retorted and stuck her tongue out. Then she and Beca once again resumed their walk. The two walked while in a comfortable (very broad) conversation.
When they did finally reach Beca's house, she attempted to give an actual goodbye.
"So I guess this wasn't THAT awful. Even though you did insult Google, push me down, then proceed to beat me after that." Beca couldn't stop herself from grinning.
"You should be in Drama Club because you're good at over acting!" Chloe teased as she violently poked Beca.
"Drama Club is for dorks dude."
"Hey! It is not! I'll have you know I was in Drama Club!" She stated proudly.
"That only hindered your argument there Red."
"Are you calling me a dork?"
"Well if the shoe fits..." Beca looked away dramatically before she felt Chloe begin to pound at her arm.
"Rebecca Louise Mitchell!" She heard her father shout from the top of the stairs.
"Uh oh... someone looks angry." Beca mocked. Chloe didn't know if she should laugh or be afraid for the smaller brunette.
"Well I have to go deal with this asshole. Bye dork."
""It was nice to talk to you too Beca. I'll see you later." That's usually how goodbyes work." Chloe joked as she once again poked Beca's arm.
"Eh," Beca sighed and shrugged her shoulders before beginning the climb up the steps to her father's house. When she reached the top she peered back and found the redhead hadn't made it that far.
"Hey Chloe!" Beca called out.
"What?!" She yelled back.
"I'll see you tonight!"" Beca shouted. Beca didn't earn an actual response but was rewarded with Chloe's far too contagious smile before the ginger continued on her walk.
Beca then entered her house and was greeted by a less than happy looking father.
"Where have you been!? I've been sitting here for the past hour worried sick! When you didn't get off the bus and you didn't answer my text messages I started to panic! You better start explaining and now!" Phil boomed, his voice traveling through out the whole house.
"Okay first of all you need to back up. Second of all fuck you! You didn't care what happened to me after you left so why start now?"
"You know I've been very respectful of your wishes since you got here and I've kept my distance but now it's time that you start listening to me! Like it or not I am still your father!"
"Really? You could have fooled me Phil!" Both of them were shouting at the top of their lungs.
"Don't take that tone with me young lady!"
"Look Phil, I don't have time for your shit right now! I have a group meeting in an hour and unless you plan on actually taking me there like you're suppose to then I have to go and get ready so I can walk!" Beca went to move around him but he didn't budge.
"No, we're talking about this. You can't just do whatever you want and expect there to be no consequences! It's a wonder your mother made it this far without snapping!" At hearing this Beca lost it. She swung her left hand and and hit Phil with a left cross to the jaw. He doubled back and Beca took the opportunity to tackle him to the ground. Now with him pinned under her she gripped at his collar and pulled his face inches away from hers.
"Don't you EVER talk about my mother again! You have no idea what we went through after you left! So don't you dare for a second think you have any right to criticize her! She did the best she could as a single mother! At least she tried! You didn't even send us money! You selfish fucking bastard! Not only did you not bother to stick around but you completely forgot about us afterwards! Sometimes I fucking hate you so much that I just want to kill you! But I can't because deep down I still fucking love you! I used to worship you! I thought you were like Jesus and then you just left! You make me sick!" Beca spit at the ground next to his head before getting off of him.
"That was a warning Phil. Next time... I'll end you. And that's not a threat. It's a promise. You can say whatever you want about me but don't you ever EVER, talk about my mother again. She did more for me than you ever have." Beca snarled before heading up to her room.
Once in her room Beca locked the door and slouched down to the floor. She had been trying so hard not to cry. So hard not to be weak but... well his comment reminded her that this wasn't a dream. That her mother was really dead and she wasn't coming back. That was something Beca had managed to forget after her failed suicide attempt. Now though she remembered it and it hurt even worse than it did then.
Just wanting to forget about the pain she frantically began to rummage through her room for something, anything, she could use that would take her pain away, even if only for a minute. Scrounging through ever desk and dresser drawer Beca scanned for anything sharp that she could use to cut her skin. She was just about to give up when she spotted it. The answer to everything. There at the very back of one of her junk drawers was a small pencil sharpener. Using the tip of her pinky nail, she unscrewed the solitary screw holding the blade in place. Tipping the sharpener upside down she let the blade and screw fall into the palm of her hand. She discarded everything but the blade on the table top before proceeding to the edge of her bed. Slowly she rolled the sleeve of her flannel shirt up to the elbow and examined the open white canvas in front of her. Gently she ran the tips of her fingers over the now healed cut on her wrist. It was even more smooth than the soft flesh of her arm. She could finish it now. Finish what she had started three weeks ago. All it would take is one precise slice over a vein and she could end all of her problems tonight. The more she thought about it however, the less she wanted to. But only a few weeks ago she had been certain that was what she wanted... Why was she doubting herself now?
Deciding to stop thinking about it and Beca just went for it. Pressing the blade firmly against her skin she applied heavy pressure and slid the blade across her arm. The next thing Beca saw was a stream of red begin to trickle down her arm. It was like watching a masterpiece unfold before her eyes. The way her blood mix so fluidly with the white of her skin, it was a something even Picasso could appreciate. But there was only one stroke on the canvas. In order for a masterpiece there has to be more than one stroke. So once again she placed the blade to her skin. Instead of just putting another gash in her arm she built off of the first. She let the metal edge shred slowly into her skin with every new carving she made. By the time she was half way done with her creation her vision had become blurry from the tears that she refused to let fall. Furiously she wiped at her eyes, trying desperately to remove the stinging distraction that clouded her vision. She was almost done with her masterpiece now. Just a few more stroke from her steel paintbrush and her arm would be the most skilled painting she had done yet. The most skill painting on skin canvas that is.
She made one last stroke before putting the tiny blade to the side and admiring her creation. Holding her arm out in front of her she gazed proudly at the words she had etched into her soft skin; "NO HOPE" it read. It was certainly true for her. There was no hope. It died the night her mother did. It didn't matter to Beca anymore anyways. So what if she didn't kill herself today. That was still the goal. She was just waiting for a better opportunity. That was why she hesitated earlier. It just wasn't the right time yet.
Rising from the edge of her bed Beca felt light headed and a little dizzy. She couldn't worry about that at the moment. She had to cover up her artwork before her father saw it and had a heart attack. (Not like she wouldn't enjoy that.) She quietly opened the door and peeked her head into the hall. No one was around. Confident that the coast was clear she hurriedly tiptoed down the hall to the bathroom. Once safely inside she locked the door and quickly began dressing the cuts on her arm.
They may not have been as thick as a cut that was made by an actual knife but she certainly made sure they went deep, or at least as deep as a pencil sharper blade would allow. Just because it was a small cutting tool didn't mean it couldn't get the job done.
After Beca had washed away the mass majority of the blood that had escaped from her arm, she then took some cloth bandages and wrapped them in white gauze. After pulling the sleeve of her shirt back down her arm , returned to her room. Once inside she took off her flannel and instead put on a sweatshirt. She had just finished pulling the fabric over her head when she heard a knock at her door.
"Go away Phil!" Beca yelled knowing that he probably wanted an apology for her"poor behavior" or something like that.
"It's Sheila." She heard from the other side of the door. Beca inhaled deeply. Sheila wasn't the one she was angry with. It was Phil. Sure at one point she hated the woman, still kind of does, but it's not her fault that Phil's an asshole.
"What?" Beca asked as she ripped her door open. She came face to face with the taller blonde woman.
"Your father asked me to give you a ride to your support group today because he needed to run some errands he forgot about earlier. So are you ready to go?" Beca rolled her eyes.
"Of course he did. Yeah, let's go." Beca groaned before exiting her room and closing the door behind her.
A/N: Also to anyone reading Just Take My Hand, Don't Let Go I am still writing that story as well but I've it writer's block hardcore and haven't bee able to produce anything I am even remotely proud of haha. Don't worry though I am still working on it so don't give up on me yet!