[Disclaimers/warnings at top of Part I] Thanks to Linstock and Spockchick for encouraging advice.
Part VII
Briefing Room.
Kirk is tapping on the table, drumming, actually, with his fingers. McCoy watches; there's an air between Kirk and Spock that's more tense than usual. Spock seems disassociated and it seems as if Jim is trying hard to bridge a gap to communicate with the first officer. Kirk makes eye contact with everyone and begins.
"Okay, so here's the brief from Starfleet.
"Last month R'rau's government told the Federation that they've discovered kressantium in their soil. CSO Starfleet has ordered Enterprise scientists – namely you, Spock and your team – to take samples and analyze the mineral to determine whether it's pure enough for a new … undisclosed … project."
"I have received the purity specifications from Starfleet Operations," Spock said.
Everyone pauses and considers. Normally such specifications would come from the Federation Science Institute.
"No one at Starfleet or the scientific arm of the Federation has told us what it's about," Kirk says, looking at the first officer.
Uhura, always the first to hear about any business concerning Starfleet, has heard that – with Admiral Marcus the new Fleet Admiral (Chief of Starfleet) – FAS is activating sections dormant for many years. She's also heard a not-too-reliable rumor about Section 31, which until now has been a footnote in Starfleet history. She looks at Spock, who has been staring at the tabletop.
"Undoubtedly they intend to research kressantium for classified projects," Spock says.
There's a flash of disgust across Kirk's face; he doesn't like skullduggery any more than McCoy does. Scotty clears his throat and tugs at his collar.
Although Spock disagrees on principle with classified projects, he acknowledges their necessity. Since Nero had come from the future and destroyed the Kelvin over twenty-five years ago, Starfleet has accelerated research and development of new technology. The Enterprise is one of the first of many new ships to be built.
For a decade Starfleet scout ships have been reporting that the Klingons have also been employing new technology, and it is well known that the Klingons seek to dominate their part of the Alpha Quadrant, endangering nearby Federation colonies.
"The Klingons were able to examine the Narada for close to 25 years while Nero was in their prison on Rura Penthe; the ship was equipped with advanced technology, as we know too well. It follows that Starfleet will take precautions against possible Klingon – and other – incursions."
"But secretly?" Scotty says. "I guess it's true then. Admiral Marcus is oriented more toward military defense than exploration." He doesn't like what he's been hearing about the new FAS. Like his fellow engineers throughout the fleet he's been receiving various equipment with directives to make "improvements" to ship security: better hull plating, stronger plasteel for viewports, hardened deflector shielding with new "harmonics" introduced into the graviton fields, and computers armored against intrusion as never before. Harmonics forfucksake, next we'll be gettin' designs for intrusive comms to broadcast the aul' bagpipes and their tunes of glory to strike terror into the hearts of our enemies.
Kirk says, "Has anybody heard any rumors about the revival of Section 31?"
Uhura makes a face. "Not specifically, but … the sorts of things you'd hear around organizing … or reviving … a classified organization."
"Oh great, Black Ops." McCoy's sarcasm is just a reflection of everyone's trepidation over the intensifying speed of changes in Starfleet. What had once been described by Admiral Pike as a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada was apparently becoming more of a quadrant defense force.
Spock sighs inwardly, knowing that the destruction of Vulcan, with its six billion lives, was only one of the reasons for this, but it is enough for him to go along, and, Human-like, surrender some of his beliefs to keep his people – Vulcans and Humans alike – safe. If not safe, at least well-defended.
"So, to our business on R'rau …" Kirk says in a back-to-business tone. "Lieutenant Uhura and I'll be going down ahead of the Science Team to meet with R'rau's president to get the clearances we need. Sciences will head down once we're back. Commander Spock, please stay; everyone else is dismissed."
McCoy and Scotty are on their way out first, heads together, conversing quietly. Uhura remains for a second, her eyes on Spock; he meets her gaze briefly and then stands to attention, looking away, ready to hear from Kirk. Uhura stays a second longer, shoots a glance of concern at Kirk, then departs.
"Commander," Kirk says, standing by the viewports, "Come on over here."
Spock blinks, then joins him. "Yes, Captain?"
"You see where we are, right? Standing in the flagship, looking at a planet, one of many in the vastness of space?"
"Yes, Captain." Spock realizes that this rather wooden response has focused Kirk's attention.
Kirk turns to look at him, and Spock is, as he has been in the months since they defeated Nero, a bit taken aback by Kirk's sense of friendship, of his desire to connect on a "human level." He was getting used to it until ….
He has been working with Dr. Noel to learn what has caused him to distance himself from everyone, and is beginning to understand that Uhura's experience on Al'Rugh revived his … fears … of loss.
"I want – and Lieutenant Uhura, and everyone who works with you wants – for you to be around to continue seeing this, to continue living, to continue your incredible contributions to this crew and our mission." Kirk reaches out a hand and clasps Spock's shoulder. "We all want you to take care – and I mean maximum care – on your science mission below."
The captain takes away his hand and focuses on Spock, brows raised, eyes intent, indicating he wants to hear confirmation.
Spock nods. "I understand, Captain."
"Good. You're taking Hendorff, Trinh, and the members of your Science staff who are most qualified. And you're coming back in one piece. That's an order, Commander." Kirk says it with a small smile.
"I will act with utmost caution," Spock says.
Kirk nods, and leaves the room. Spock gazes out the viewport for a few moments, remembering his mother's love for watching the stars, and Nyota's remarks about her own stargazing dreams.
He does not want his father or Nyota to be harmed by hearing of his death. He realizes, suddenly, how much he wants to continue living, if only to communicate with Sarek, and be near Nyota, even if he might never touch her again. He is still devoted to her. He misses her, as Mother might say, she who never met his ashayam except over the commlink. He regrets his separation from Nyota, the wall he has raised between them. Metaphorical, yes. But real, in its way.
Spock.
Spock wakes alone, truly alone. He does not search for the small spark of Nyota's consciousness that he knows is in the space his mind and hers share.
Her scent is fading from the bedclothes. He has not changed them since she left him, over a week ago. Some of her clothing programs are still here, clothes she does not normally wear, formal dresses; he could call up pictures of her wearing them but does not see the point. The perfume he gave her still sits in the dressing alcove on its small table, with hairpins, some false hair she weaves in for dress occasions and to please him. But he does not hold them near his nose to catch their scent. Dwelling on something that is completed is pointless; and he cannot stop his subconscious from constantly replaying the day he lost nearly everything.
As he lies in what used to be "their" bed, he feels physically comfortable but bereft. He recalls how they spooned together, resting on their left sides, the moderate heat of her back near his chest and belly, her thighs against his, the soles of her cold feet pressed against the warm tops of his own. He can feel her right forearm brushing back to rest near his heart, in his right side. He inwardly hears her contented sigh when they settle into each other for sleep, her soft, soft snore. He sees her right hand gently curled near her chin. The scent of her hair so near his nose, the parting of her lips in sleep, the long in-breaths she would take that reached to, and expanded, the middle of her back, and the long, relaxing exhalations.
He remarked on it once, saying that most Humans he had observed did not inhale so deeply. He used to remind his language students that attention to the breath eased the flow of communication, but he had never specifically trained them in deep breathing.
"But I'm a singer," Nyota said, then lay on her side and took his hand and placed his fingertips to one side of her middle back. She exhaled, saying, "Singer's breath …" As she inhaled he felt her chest inflate all the way down to near her twelfth thoracic vertebra. "I've expanded my intracostal muscles … my diaphragm's giving me a sturdy foundation, so I can sing long, legato, or short, staccato – any way I choose." She inhaled again and sang a long, low note, moved up an octave, sang some descending melismas, then hummed a phrase of a song from her childhood.
As she fell asleep, he listened to her breathing ebb and flow; it sounded like a gentle ocean. He rested his hand on her side to feel that regular, stable breath.
Ebb and flow. Perhaps their couplehood is being tested, and she will come back into his life. He is dubious though; he has lost all sense of intimacy with another – he has intellect, logic, duty, superior ability and longevity remaining to him. He has decided to respect these important remainders of his life; to be useful is a very worthy goal for any Vulcan.
Therefore, for the sake of being useful – not to mention respecting Nyota's feelings, and the orders of the captain – he will observe strict safety protocols on the science survey tomorrow.
His gut yawns achingly, his lips part. His diaphragm jerks, once, twice – it is as if he is clutching for air – he winces and feels hot moisture coming from his eyes.
To be Continued
A/N: Your opinion is very valuable to me, dear reader. Please comment on what you liked … or didn't. More angsty stories (e.g. Loss, The Way Back) at my FanFic site SpockLikesCats; you'll find humor (Put Your Junk in the Box, Sketches of Sparrow) and romance (my Hot Tubs stories) there as well!
/\ Glossary /\
Asenoi: fire-bowl [used for incense]
FAS: Fleet Admiral [chief] of Starfleet
Hir: 'him or her'
Loshirak: lotus position
Masa: mother [ki-Swahili]
Ozh'esta: the touch of the first two fingers of each partner's hand, a "Vulcan kiss"
Pakuv vil-yai: "odor flame," incense coil [author's construction from Vulcan words]
Plebe: an Academy midshipman/cadet just reported for the summer before the first academic year; one who hears constant swearing at and condemnation of, hirself, the better to get hir to conform to all the new rules; one who engages in constant swearing with hir fellows in private moments; one who is obedient to all above hir; the lowest life form at the Academy.
Zero hundred hours: midnight