Serial Killer Finally Brought to Justice
By Rita Skeeter, Special Correspondent
Today's highly anticipated Wizengamot trial
of Diloras Umbridge, formerly Undersecretary
to previous Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge,
went about as expected, as the vicious woman
was sentenced to receive the Dementor's Kiss.
Punishment was administered shortly after the
trial, so the wizarding world can finally stop
living in fear.
Over twenty five previously unsolved murders
from the past two years have now been identified
as casualties of her rampage. Deloras had
targeted a wide variety of victims, including not
only mudbl ... muggleborns and crossbreeds
(for information on Doleris' well-known anti-
creature and anti-muggleborn views see page 7)
but halfbloods and purebloods as well.
They included males and females of a wide variety
of professions, including school teachers, aurors,
ministry workers, shop owners, and a large number
of fan-fiction authors. Each victim was lured to a
private location, and then bludgeoned to death
with a large sledge hammer. The bloody butcher's
trademark? The final blow to the victim's skull, and
comments about something called a Sledge-O-Matic
painted on the walls in the victim's blood.
After sentencing had been announced, this intrepid
reporter tried to get a word with the insane Toad
Woman, but was attacked for her troubles. Still, for
my readers' sakes, I persevered. "Dillorus, why?
What set you off? We know of your hatred for
muggleborns and cross-breeds, but why all these
other victims?"
"IT'S YOU," she screamed. "YOU AND THE REST OF
YOUR ILK! The reporters, the school teachers, the
bloggers, and all those damn fan-fiction authors!"
I tried to explain I didn't even know what some of
those things were, and furthermore I do not and
never have owned an elk, but she just kept screaming.
"IT'S D ... O ... L ... O ... R ... E ... S! DELLOREES!
Is that so difficult? You can say what you want
about me ... just spell my damn name correctly!"
And as I wrote down her final quote, her eyes
widened, and in ever-increasing fury she SPAT
on me as she was dragged away to (likely) her
first and last kiss. As she was led away, I
pondered her final words, hoping for under-
standing, but came up blank. We may never know
what led this once-proud Pureblood to this horrible
end, but of one thing we can be thankfully certain.
Dilaros Umbridge will kill no more.