Ch. 15 I Hate This, Don't Leave Me
Kate checked her cell phone for any texts from Rick but even as the screen confirmed her suspicions, she couldn't accept it. She tossed the phone back down and her Wizard Of Oz case made a clack sound as it hit the table next to her. She ran her hands through her already tangled hair and just became more frustrated. She tossed her head against her pillow in shear madness.
The clearing of a throat at her door made her toss her head in that direction. When she saw Rick carrying two bags of something she sat herself upright. She ignored the fact that her nightgown gathered around her hips.
"I was wrong. I shouldn't have done that, you agreed to let me take care of you without hesitation. I should have taken you into consideration. I apologize." She waited for him to walk around her bed and set the bags down on the table before she made a motion to grab him. She reached out her hand and grabbed his wrist.
He didn't fight her as she tugged him down on the edge of her bed. She clutched his left hand in hers and just waited. When his baby blues gave her honey eyes their attention, she let go. Her eyes slowly released tears down the sides of her cheeks.
"Don't cry Kate. Sweetheart, please." He reached out and swiped the tears off with the swipe of his thumb. "I get it. I just wish I didn't have to let you know how I feel."
"I can't read your mind." Her tears continued to trickle down but he made no more attempts to wipe them away.
"But you should think how your decisions might affect me. God Kate, I do that for you." He rose from the bed, dropping her hand atop the flimsy hospital covers. He walked the space of her room, rubbing his head, sending his hair flying wildly around.
"You're right. I can't keep saying I am sorry. I don't know how to do this. Ok?" She shoved the covers off the rest of her legs to rid herself of the heat her body was taking on.
Her voice was tense and he swiveled towards her. "What are you talking about?" He stopped pacing but he was still far from her.
She jerked her head upwards and crinkled her eyes at him. "Nothing." She shook her head as if she could erase the fact that she already said it.
"No. Tell me. What are you talking about?" He crossed his muscled arms across his chest and returned her stern look.
"I haven't had a relationship that lasted this long because I…" She stopped as her words stuck in her throat like strong honey.
"Go on." He sent the words out as daggers and knew she felt them.
"I end them. They were never this good anyway but I start to get scared. My life is fucked up. I don't know what a strong or stable relationship looks like. I get scared and I run. But they never make it past a couple weeks, maybe a month. They've never felt this way, Rick. I never loved them the way I love you. I never cared the way I do for you. I couldn't be myself when I was with them. And I haven't had a relationship since my dad passed away. Is that what you wanted to hear? That you are involved with an unstable, crazy, and fearful woman? Well, it's what you got." She could no longer look at him as all her words sunk in.
She kept herself so neatly tied in this little box but she just unlaced the bow keeping it all sealed away. Her tears were fully falling down around her cheeks but that was the least of her problems. She pulled her legs up to her chest and rested her head atop her knees. She continued to cry, feeling her chest heave with every sound she made.
Rick stepped back as though her words literally hit him. He dropped his arms from his chest and took in her form. She clutched herself closer and she looked so small, fragile from where he stood. He never knew all of that. He knew she was a little closed off but to never that extent. He didn't feel guilty of what he said, it needed to be spoken. He grasped the seriousness of what she just laid out to him. He closed their distance just enough to not send her backing away from him.
Kate slowly lifted her head off her knees and examined Rick's now soft features. Gone was his set jaw, his lips no longer were clutched together in a tight line, and his eyes relaxed. She shook her head, this wasn't what she wanted. Pity was like a weakness she didn't want to carry around.
"Stop looking at me like that. I didn't want you to feel all bad for me."
"Then what did you want to get out of telling me? You obviously had a reason for it. What was it?" He was soft in the way he spoke to her.
"I don't know. I just wish that I wasn't this way. I get scared and run but you're different. I wanted you to know that you are different. I talk, move, and feel differently with you than I have with anyone else. I am myself. Not some version that I thought I should be. My dad hated when I did that but I didn't even realize it. I can see it now because of how I act with you. My dad was my rock. He was the only one I had and slowly, I lost pieces of myself when he died. Like as if I kept shedding layers each day." She stopped crying and let her tears continue to stain her cheeks.
"I don't know if I am doing things wrong or when I do something right because of my example of stable. My dad was stable, I don't want you to think that our relationship was messed up but I can't grasp what an intimate one looks like. So, when I hold back it's my way of remaining in control of what I can't control. Does that make sense?" She watched his head nod and stopped speaking. She ran out of things to say and she begged him to find the words that she couldn't.
"You don't want to let this go. You don't want to be alone but you are so used to it that part of you is still stuck in that mentality. I get it, that doesn't make you fucked up. It makes you human, Kate. When you don't have the words, I do. It's ok to be scared, look at me." He pointed to himself and scooted further onto the bed. "I had to raise my sister and look where she ended up. Thank God that she is sober now but how many years was she not? Do you know how many times I thought I was letting my parents down? How many times I felt I failed them all? Too many to recall."
"How did you get past it? How did you make yourself ok?" She relaxed her legs a little and felt her feet touch his thigh.
"I can't say that I did. I know life moves on, it presents obstacles you never could have thought of. I still feel bad sometimes but I look at what I have now that I didn't then." He scooted even further back on the bed and her feet recoiled.
"Like what? You have no parents. You have a fucked up girlfriend." She dug her toes into the thin, white fitted sheet. She tucked her hair behind her ears and tried to keep herself together.
"I have a great relationship with my sister that I never really had. We can talk about everything and anything. I couldn't do that before. I have a relationship that I believe in. I am skeptical over most things, Kate. I don't believe in much. Our relationship, though rocky, is strong. Sure we fight, like right now but, every relationship has that. We love each other and I give all of myself to you, or at least I try. I never wanted to do that with anyone. If you are fucked up than so am I. We can be fucked up together." He chuckled lightly then allowed a warm smile to spread across his face. He noticed her legs were drawn closer to her and he tugged on them until they were spread across his lap.
"You want to be with me even after all of that?" She was so childlike in her question that it surprised him. She was sincere with her astonished face and even when she caught him studying her, she still looked for an answer.
"Of course I would. I love you." He tugged on her legs until her nightgown rolled up on her hips and her ass was firmly planted on his lap.
"I love you too." Relief flooded her voice and she leaned her forehead on his, inhaling his musky scent.
He watched her eyes close and held tight around her waist as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She straddled his legs and tried to save this moment in the back of her mind. It was one she wanted to be able to whip out like a photo.
When they kissed it was more than natural, like it was the only thing that could be done at a moment like the one they were experiencing. When their lips settled apart from one another's, he motioned, with a shake of his head, to the bags on the table.
"What is it?" She sat flat back on the bed and let him rise off the bed. He took out two foil wrapped sandwiches and laid them out. She clasped her hands together and shook them with delight. When he caught that twinkle in her eyes he felt his heart jump with joy. He took out two hash brown patties and laid them across the empty paper bag.
"I thought we needed breakfast. It's probably cold now but…"
"No. It'll be perfect." She hungrily unwrapped her breakfast sandwich, said a quick prayer, then chomped down. Trails of grease escaped from her mouth. He handed her a napkin and they both snickered.
She rubbed her stomach with a satisfied grin and plopped herself back onto her bed. He let her have the last sip of the Vanilla Coke he had bought and had run to get a few more when her phone buzzed.
Kate,
I am two minutes out. Can't wait to see you and fix that nest you are working on! :P
Alexis,
Ha Ha! Very funny. :P back at you. Hurry fast, there are birds trying to get in through the window thinking it's their home. J
Kate,
Too funny. Catch ya in a sec.
Alexis,
Thx. K.
She set her phone back down and welcomed the rest of the day with a newfound glory.
While Rick observed her while peering over his phone, she sent the necessary texts to everyone who needed to know that she was awake.
Lanie,
Yes I am awake. Can you stop by later with the essentials? Maybe get some clothes at my apartment?
Kate,
How did you… never mind. I def. want to see you but I am stuck reviewing autopsies. Cliff's orders. By the way he is so worried about you. Sure there isn't any reason Rick should be jealous?
Lanie,
No. Never. Rick is everything. Cliff is a pain in the ass. When you can say hi. K?
Kate,
Deal. Sorry. Love you girl! 3
Lanie,
Me 2 3
Espo,
No big deal that I am awake. No work talk. K?
Kate,
Deal. Good to know Snow White woke up.
Espo,
What is with all the fairytale references? You are not the first.
Kate,
The last? Now stop bugging me I have work to do.
Espo,
Sure. Shut up and stop slacking.
Ryan,
I am awake but I don't want any updates. I am on medical leave for a few days to get better. Ok?
Kate,
So glad to hear you are awake. Is there anything I can do?
Ryan,
Just keep working. Thanks. J
Kate,
Anything, you name it.
Ryan,
Thanks. Now bye.
Cap,
I will be back to work in three days. Until then, no work calls no matter what.
Kate,
Since when are you giving orders? But I promise to follow them. Get better. We need you back.
Cap,
As soon as I can Sir.
Kate,
No mushy stuff.
Kate knew that was his way of saying he cares for her. Words no one says but words they feel. No mushy stuff was their way of saying I love you. It felt good to be loved.
"What are you smiling at over there?" Rick set his phone down and offered up his hand.
"They are jerks. No love." She laughed it off because he was in on their code. Their fight was over but the discussion wasn't. She had already prepared to lay it all out, and that meant everything. The time would come but it wasn't now, in a hospital. It was unspoken but she could read the understanding in his eyes.
"When will Al be here?"
"Now." Alexis smiled and stepped in with her bags of happiness. Her cheeks blushed and her white, lace tank was thin enough to breathe in.
Kate smiled and hugged her back but all the while hating how she could never be free from her emotional shackles.