Ch. 18 Maybe I Can
Kate must have dozed off because she hadn't noticed the dark of the early night creeping through her room, creating threatening shadows. Now that she saw them, she startled. She sprung upright knocking over her songbook. She fumbled for the lamp that was right off to the side but her hand gripped nothing. She heard her door creak open and she couldn't see through the bookshelves that lined the room. The light flickered on and she saw Rick make his way to her.
"Kate? What are you doing?" He stopped right in front of her and she let out the breath she didn't even know she was holding. He stood shirtless and held his elbows in his hands. "It's freezing in here. Aren't you cold?" He sat on the end of the chaise reaching out to rub her leg.
"Now that you mention it, I am a little cold. Um, I was writing a song. Nothing more. Are you hungry? I am hungry." She scooted closer to him and her thigh bumped his. She reached her hand out and ran her fingers through his messy hair.
"Yeah I guess I am. What were you writing?" He leaned back to get a grip on her songbook but she yanked it from his hands.
"Nothing. Let's go out to eat." She held the book behind her back and he tried to reach around her to grab it away. "No. Don't touch." She scooted all the way back into the chaise but that didn't faze him. He just leaned on top of her and around to get it.
"I will get it. Stop being so fussy. Wait I remember little lady, aren't we ticklish?" He proceeded to tickle her and she cried out in laughter.
She heard the knock on her door and tried to escape him but he held her together. "Rick, door. I need to get it." She barely got the words out and he stopped, poised above her. He looked at the doorway then took a running start. "Wait!" She ran behind him but she wasn't fast enough.
There, in the open doorway stood Lanie, Esposito, Ryan, and Captain Montgomery. They looked over Rick, who stood in nothing but his boxers. Espo laughed and shook his head while Ryan peered around him at Kate.
"Hey girl. We heard you got home. We brought pizza and beer. Move Rick."
"Ah, sorry." He moved out of the entryway and they all moved around each other.
Lanie ran right into Kate's arms. She gave her a big squeeze like if she let go, Kate might disappear. She heard Kate say something muffled and released her.
"What did you say?" Lanie held her at arms bay.
"That I can't breathe." She smiled then pulled Lanie in for another hug. "But that's ok."
"Hey, when is our turn?" Espo held his hands out sideways waiting for Kate to let Lanie go.
"Hey Espo." She lightly punched him then let his arms wrap around her. "Glad you came."
"You know your boy's wearing boxers right? Nothing else?" He looked at her, his eyebrows raised.
"Yes," she whispered, "we were alone you know." She winked but he just laughed her off.
"Kate!" Ryan grabbed her in his arms and gave her a loving hug. "I am so glad you are doing ok." He never gave her a second to respond before pulling her tighter.
Kate smiled to herself knowing that he sincerely loved her, in which way, well, that was still uncertain.
"Give it up." Captain Montgomery rested his hand on Ryan's shoulder and he let go. As soon as he did, the Captain pulled her into a hug. "How are you, baby girl?"
Kate, confused at what he had just called her, said with her most uncertain voice, "Fine, Sir?"
He let her go then looked around to see if anyone else could hear him. But they were already getting set up for the dinner they all brought. "Call me Roy right now. Not in front of anyone else, you got it?"
"Yeah." He still looked unfinished. "Anything else?"
"Kate," he led her to the couch. "You have always been like a daughter to me and I guess after your dad passed, I just naturally stepped up. You had me so worried. I know I am not your father, I could never be. But what I am trying to say is, if you need me the way you might need a dad, you can come to me. I will always be there for you." He smiled and tapped her knee.
"Thanks Roy." She pulled him in for a hug and smiled. This was something she never asked for but somehow realized she had wanted all along.
"Babe?" Rick stood near them waiting for her to look up.
"Yeah?"
Roy excused himself and left Rick by Kate.
"You want to change?" He motioned to his bare chest and then to the bedroom.
"Sure. One sec. Hey guys?" They all looked at her and she motioned with a jerk of her head to the bedroom. "We're going to get changed and then be right back." She didn't wait for a response, she was already leading Rick after her.
She slipped out of her nightgown and into a pair of thermal pajamas. The outfit was pink and black striped and the long-sleeved shirt had a pocket. She slid on the shorts and tied the drawstring. She slid on a bra then the shirt. She watched Rick slip on a pair of black sweats and a white t-shirt.
"Are you only wearing those shirts because you know I find you practically mouthwatering in them?" She ran her index finger down his chest.
"No but now that I do, I think I should wear them more often." He smiled then went to bend down for a kiss but she slipped away from him.
She laughed on the way to her little table off to the right of the front door. "Hey. Where is my favorite?" She peaked through the boxes and after lifting them all, saw no sausage.
"We only got pepperoni. Sorry." Espo mocked being sorry and handed her a beer.
"Thanks jerk." She lightly slapped the back of his head then pulled out a chair for her and Rick.
"Here." Rick handed her a plate with two pieces on it then a plate for himself. He uncapped a beer and took a good swig.
She hadn't touched her pizza but gazed around the table. She saw the deep conversation Espo and Ryan were having. The jokes Rick must have been telling Roy to get him to laugh. And then she landed her eyes on Lanie, who was looking right back at her. They both smiled to each other but Lanie could read Kate. But before Lanie could say anything, Kate took a big bite of her pizza and let the grease run down her cheek. Rick wiped the grease off Kate's chin then handed her the napkin.
She smiled, the whole time she pretended to be overenthusiastic. But the truth was, she was sad. Happy all her friends were here but sad, her mother wasn't. She knew she shouldn't have expected anything. But in the back of her mind a voice told her she had every right to. Her mother wasn't there for her only daughter. Worst was she said that she would try and to Kate this was far from trying. She choked down the tears that wanted to escape and just adjusted herself into the conversation.
But she had no idea what they were talking about, she could barely even hear them. Her vision began to blur and she just rose from her seat and walked to the couch. She sank herself into the deep cushions and ignored the voices around her. She hadn't noticed Lanie sitting next to her.
"Kate, sweetie, are you ok?" She wrapped her blue, sleeved arm around Kate's shoulders and let Kate fall into her.
"No." That was all Kate could manage to get out before the tears cascaded down her cheeks and onto Lanie's shoulder.
"It's ok. One more beer and everyone will leave. What is it?" Lanie swiped the tears off her cheeks and Kate tried to catch her breath.
"My mom, my dream, too much." She let herself cry for a few more seconds before cutting them off. "Is there anything new on the case?"
"Now, I know you are distracting me from the real questions. Especially because you are asking about the case after you made us swear to not talk about it. Now what is really getting to you?"
"My mom isn't here. She hasn't called. What is up with that?" Kate kicked at the end of the cushion she was sitting on.
"Maybe she is really busy." Kate passed her an oh really face. "Ok. Maybe she is just a big bitch." Kate laughed at that and wiped her nose. "But you shouldn't let her go." She moved the loose hair off Kate's forehead and tucked it behind her ear.
"What do you mean?" Kate crossed her legs and laid them on top of her coffee table.
"Don't let her get away with it. Let her know she hurt your feelings, tell her. You may feel better." She stroked Kate's head then rested her hand on Kate's shoulder.
"Yeah. You're right. But Lanie, every so often the old mom comes back. I mean last year we had our moments and then this year it seemed like that never existed. I don't know which version I will get." She played with the ends of her shorts and made an attempt on studying them.
"Make her realize that. Tell her you only want one version." Lanie was going to say more but the boys had gotten up from the table and waved their goodbyes.
"Bye guys!" Kate stood up and led them all out the door and nodded when Lanie went to open her mouth. "I will talk later." She kissed her on the cheek and shut the door after her.
"Hey." Rick came up to her and held her tight to him. "I saw you crying but I distracted the boys. I thought you needed the girl talk but, what was wrong?" He stroked her back and slowly walked her back to the couch.
They sunk down together on the thick, deep, beige couch. She was still in his arms and he still rubbed her back.
"My mom didn't even call Rick! She doesn't care!"
"I am sure that is not the case but you are right, she should have called. I am so sorry Kate. I really am."
"If my dad was here he would have been sleeping on the couch. He wouldn't have left me! He would have been checking up on me the whole time! Why couldn't he be here!" She cried and her breathing seemed to come out in gasps and she started to choke.
He pushed her back and handed her a beer. "Take a sip." He made sure she started to calm herself down before holding her again.
"I don't know what I did wrong. What was so wrong? Was I not good enough?" She leaned her head on his shoulder letting the tears cease. "I tried to be so perfect for her but I'm not perfect. I never will be. And after my dad died, I had no one. You know that." She wrapped her arm across his chest.
"Didn't you have Lanie and the boys?"
"Sure but you know I never really talked much to them. I closed myself off because it was easier. Then with my mom, you know all of that. But, no. I didn't really have anyone I could talk to. I associated with them but we didn't hangout. Not even Lanie and I did. Then when you came into my life, the Kate I had lost after my dad died, came back. Trust me, my friends thank you. But I still find myself holding back and getting nervous when it comes to socializing. I get scared I won't have anything to say or that what I say isn't good enough somehow. You know how bad that is? To always be afraid?" She stopped and heard him take in a deep breath.
"Honestly, no. I withdrew but I knew I had no choice, I had to for Alexis. And I am proud of you for being more social, I know it's not easy. I never knew how hard it was for you, granted but, I always knew you were a little scared. Kate, it is ok to be scared. You can be afraid as long as you don't hold yourself away from anyone anymore. Ok?"
"Ok. And Rick?" She was prepared to tell him all about her dream but found herself holding out a little longer. He already had an ear full today. Save it for another time.
"Yeah?" He caught her eyes.
"Never mind." She snuggled closer to him then realized a more pressing issue, she was still hungry. "Is there any pizza left?"
"Nah. The boys ate most of it. They were coming off of work and, you know the rest. Why? You hungry?"
"Yes! Starved! Want to call Sweets to see if she wants to eat too?" Kate was already sliding off the couch and heading to her closet. "Is it cold out?"
"I'll call Alexis and ask her first." On the second ring, Alexis picked up.
"Ricky? What's up?"
"Kate wants to know if you want to grab a bite with us. Are you up for it?"
"Hell yeah! Where are we meeting?"
"Kate!" She popped her head out of her bedroom doorway. "Where is she meeting us?"
"Actually," she reached out for his phone. "Want to spend the night? Like an old fashioned sleepover?" She twirled with her braid and waited while Alexis thought it over.
"Sure. I'll be to your place in ten! Thanks!"
"No problem." She hung up and smiled at Rick. "What?"
"You are incredible. You know that?" He set his phone down and rose to her.
"Maybe. Yeah. Now let's get ready. She'll be here any minute." She laughed as he ran after her and tackled her on the bed. "Rick! We have to get dressed!" She pried him off her and sent him falling back on the bed.
She opened her closet doors and felt him behind her. She ignored his presence and began scanning though her clothes. She still didn't know how cold it was. She went to her bedside table and picked up her phone.
Sweets,
Is it cold out?
Classic,
Kind of. Have nothing warm enough?
Sweets,
No. Just wondering. See you in?
Classic,
Eight. Bye.
Kate clicked her phone off and went to her chest. She pulled out a pair of black, high-waisted, skinny jeans. She tossed them on the bed and went to her last drawer, where she kept her really warm clothing. She kneeled down, in front of the open drawer and pulled out a navy and yellow pullover. She tossed on her bed behind her, then proceeded to get dressed. She pulled her shirt on first then tucked the ends into her jeans. She slid a pair of white socks then turned to get a look at Rick.
"Aren't you gonna change?" She pointed to his sweats and shirt.
"In to what? This is comfy."
"Jeans?" She sat on the edge of her bed and watched him change into a pair of his jeans, he kept in one of her drawers.
"Happy now?"
"Aren't you going to get chilly?" She slid off the bed and opened his drawer back up. "Here." She handed him a navy blue sweater and waited for him to slide it over his shirt. "Now we can get our shoes on." She slid her phone into her back pocket and slung her beige, hobo bag over her shoulder. She slid her wallet, keys, and a scarf into the bag.
"What shoes do you want?" Rick sat, kneeled, in front of her hall closet. He made a sweeping motion over her many shoes.
"Those." She pointed to her grey, mid-calf, lace-up boots. She slid them on where she stood and went to answer the knock at the door.
"Hey!" Alexis immediately hugged Kate then walked in, dropping her overnight bag and sleeping bag. "Hey Rick." She waved to Rick's back and stepped back to admire Kate's outfit. "Let's see." She made Kate twirl for her and gave her an approving look.
"OK. What do we have here?" Kate made Alexis twirl too and took her outfit in. Alexis had on a pair of dark blue, skinny jeans and a purple, knit sweater with grey owls across the front of it. She had on black Converse sneakers that laced all the way up her leg, just stopping at the knee. Her hair was pulled into a loose ponytail with little pieces of hair framing her face. She had her hobo bag slung across her chest and wore a big grin.
"Well?"
"Approved."
"Where are we going?" Alexis stepped in the hallway and they followed after her.
"Everywhere." Kate said as she ushered them all into a taxi cab.
They pulled up to Wo Hop and all filed out. Kate walked them into the Chinese restaurant with a more than knowing grin. She had Rick holding on to her hand the entire time, just proving to her that he was there to stay. They had sailed through Chinatown and made it there in little time. And now waiting in the restaurant, their stomachs growling, they were ushered to sit down at a table in the middle.
Kate scooted her chair in and was happily handed a menu. Kate handed one over to Alexis and then Rick.
"What are you going to get?" Alexis peered over the menu in hand and seemed perplexed. She wanted so many things but knew she would never be able to eat it all. "They are so many good things to get."
Kate saw Alexis getting nervous and eased her worries. "I say we come back here again. Make it our hangout or something. Maybe one day invite everyone else?"
"Hell yeah. Count me in! They have so many choices, I can't decide!" Rick set his menu down and rubbed his forehead. "What you getting babe?" He looked to Kate as did Alexis.
"Well," She tucked her loose hair behind her ear and pressed on. "I was thinking we could all share. Like, I know you like the fried dumplings," She looked to Rick and he nodded in agreement. "Then, I like General Tso's chicken, and some chicken fried rice. We could have some of it all. Alexis?"
"I agree. Then I will order sesame chicken, chicken Yat Gaw Mein, and two egg rolls. Yum!"
"I'll share the sesame chicken with Alexis, and I will have some fried dumplings and two egg rolls as well. Kate?"
"I'll have General Tso's chicken, chicken fried rice, and hot and sour soup."
After they had their order place, they all talked about how good the food was going to be.
"So, I will let you try my chicken if you let me try yours." She looked at Kate and pleasantly smiled.
"Sure. But only if you give me a bite of your egg roll."
"Deal." She secured it with a nod of her head. "Hey, where are we going after this?"
"I said everywhere! I have the rest of the week off, Captain's orders, and I plan on living it up!" She threw her hands up in the air, as if she was riding a roller coaster.
"Ok. So after this?" Alexis leaned both elbows on the table.
"Shopping! But don't worry we will still be able to watch the movie."
"I trust you." Their food arrived and they passed it around tasting everything as it went by. Dinner was a success and they made plans to go back there on Friday.
They were rummaging through the shelves of Ricky's, Alexis insisted on it because of her nickname for Rick, but they were having girl time. Alexis had purchased two nail polishes: a bright red one and a sparkly gold one. Kate bought three: a blood red one, a black one, and a white one. When they were finished with that, they moved on to clothes.
They ended up at Beacon's Closet and rummaged through the heavily supplied store. They opened the glass door and flipped through the racks that spread around the store.
"Here! Try this!" Alexis thrust a black and grey striped sweater in her hands. "You need this!"
Kate held the v-neck up to her chest and got the approval from both Rick and Alexis. Kate found a floppy hat that was white with an obnoxious purple flower on it and shoved it on her head.
"Look at me! I am a star!" She poised with her right hand leaning on her face and her other hand on her hip.
Alexis burst out laughing and returned with an old fedora on her head. "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse." She stroked her chin and even made the lady behind the counter laugh.
"I got all you beat." Rick turned around wearing an old fashioned capped hat that a woman would have worn. He strutted down the store like a runway model and they all burst out laughing.
Kate gripped her stomach and leaned into the shoe rack. "Vogue darling! Vogue!" She said in a poshed voice. She watched him vogue and laughed even harder, falling to the floor, clutching her stomach.
Rick took off the hat and made a sweeping bow. "Find anything though?"
Kate handed over the sweater Alexis found for her and picked up a leather jacket. She found a pair of brown leather, cowboy boots and handed them over as well.
"Did you find anything?" She kissed him when no one was looking and took credit for the blush on his cheeks.
"Just a couple of plaid shirts. Alexis?"
Alexis burst from behind one of the racks and she had a handful of items. "Look what I found!" She modeled a yellow sundress that accented her curves, then she found: three beanies all in different colors, a sleeveless, white dress with little, pink roses all over it, and two pairs of black leather boots.
"You really did good. Let's partake in leaving." They all paid for their purchases and were the last ones out of the store.
They walked, with their bags in hand, smiling like idiots.
"Anymore stops?" Rick carried both his and Kate's bags and his muscles bulged as he did so.
"Sweets?" Kate stopped in front of Alexis and rocked back and forth on her feet.
"One more, Ice cream. We can finish this fun adventure together. Just you and me." She smiled a winsome smile and locked her arm through Kate's.
"Where do you want to go?" Kate looked to Rick then checked her watch, which was her father's.
"I vote we go home and make our own sundaes." He looked uncertain as if his idea wasn't going to measure up.
"I think that is a great idea." Kate pinched his cheek then offered him a quick peck on the lips. "To the grocery store."
They took a cab to Fairway and Rick waited in the cab while Alexis and Kate went in to get the supplies.
"I pick chocolate, Rick wants strawberry, and you want?"
Alexis grabbed a pint of coffee ice cream.
"Ok. Daring, I like it. In that case…" Kate put two pints of chocolate, three strawberry, one vanilla, three cheesecake, and two coffee ice creams in her grocery basket. She led Alexis down another aisle and picked up a jar of cherries, hot fudge and caramel, then a tub of whipped cream. Alexis tossed in a can of it for good measure.
"I think we have enough to make ourselves really sick." They paid for the groceries and took the cab back home.
"I am so happy to be home!" Kate dropped the groceries on the counter and helped Rick and Alexis carry in the shopping bags. They set them off to the side and Kate kissed Rick and was delighted to be pulled into a hug.
She quickly washed her hands and they all followed suit. "I want to get in my jammies before we crack open the pints." She smiled mischievously and started to make her way to her bedroom but Rick's words stopped her.
"What are you up to?" He stood with his hands on his hips and waited for her to turn around.
She turned around to look at him and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Alexis putting away the ice cream and moving around her kitchen so comfortably, that it seemed Alexis owned the kitchen. The sight startled her and her heart took a dive.
Maybe I can have this. Not this in particular but a life with them. A home with Rick, hell a marriage. And kids and, the dream might come true. Is it possible? She turned her gaze back on Rick and smiled so welcomingly that he looked at her a little puzzled. Sure it's possible, I have him. Nothing is better.
She said nothing and ran to him. She didn't care in that minute if Alexis was watching or not. She kissed him so passionately that she felt his mouth do new things to hers. Her heart soared and she gave it her all. She let her arms wrap around his neck then locked her fingers tight in his hair. Their moment was so heart filled that she hesitated to let him go. She wanted nothing more than to freeze the moment with a picture. When she released him she heard Alexis chuckling.
"What.. is… so… funny?" She said through little gasps, she was evidently out of breath.
"I snapped a picture, I had to. I'll send it to your guys' phones." Alexis set to sending it and when Kate's phone beeped and she checked it, she silently thanked her dad. Even now, he was saving moments for her.
Dad? I think I want a life for myself, for the first time in two years. But you will always be a part of it. I want him Always, dad, Always. She closed her eyes and relished in the touch of Rick's lips on hers. Her cheeks burned and her body ached for him. But she could have this feeling for the rest of her life if she wanted, and she did.
I want this. She smiled welcomingly, as if welcoming her inevitable life with Rick.