Jacob expected the rest of the pack any moment. Usually they would all arrive at the same time, as if they were all running off the same clock. Jacob grinned to himself, standing alone in the doorway to his home. These boys had a bond that Jacob could barely remember having. He tried to recall what it had been like when he had first joined the pack, when he had realised that he had a family larger than he could ever have imagined. But he didn't remember it being like it was between these boys. Even though the pack was only half formed, this group showed the rest of them up.
Jacob's smile turned to a frown. He needed to get a move on and stitch the pack together. Despite their strengths, Jacob thought that he could detect hairline cracks forming between members. They needed him to do this properly, especially if Edward wasn't going to budge.
Jacob straightened up as Sam emerged from the trees. He smiled at the boy, who smiled shyly back. No other figures came through the trees, nor did anyone come in from the direction of the road. Sam had come alone, before the others. Strange, Jacob thought. Sam came closer, sat down in one of the white plastic chairs on his lawn. The day was warm, no hint of the snow that was melting away upon the mountains.
Jacob could see the tension in the boy's shoulders. Sam didn't speak, but Jacob knew that he was just trying to work up the courage to broach the subject. Jacob didn't know why Sam was here, but he was curious about what the boy had to say. He remembered watching Sam quietly trying to hold in his anger the other day. Jacob didn't know a lot about Sam, and the boy had hidden depths that he couldn't even guess at. He approached slowly, knowing that, whatever Sam had come to talk about, it had to be important, and they didn't have much time. The others would be here soon.
Jacob sat in one of the other chairs, relaxing in the warm sun. Sam had his eyes fixed on his fidgeting fingers. Jacob wished that he knew how to make the boy more comfortable.
"What brings you here Sam?" He kept his voice light and casual, but made sure that the kid would hear the acceptance and openness in his tone.
"I'm sorry about yesterday." Sam began in a small voice. Jacob knew better than to interrupt him. "I didn't mean to get so angry, it was just…" Sam didn't meet his eyes. Jacob could see that the boy was trying to evade the truth, to tell Jacob just enough that he wouldn't think there was something else going on. Unfortunately for Sam, Jacob had been a teenager for too long not to recognise the signs.
"Sam, whatever it is, you should tell me now."
Sam didn't speak, didn't look up. Jacob saw his frown, like a childish denial.
"Today, I'm taking my rightful place as alpha. You won't be able to hide anything from the rest of us. It's better to tell me now. Maybe I can help." Sam's eyes shot up and he looked at Jacob with unadulterated horror in his eyes.
"It's okay," Jacob quickly tried to reassure him. "I can help."
"It's…it's just…"
Jacob took a shot in the dark, hoping that he would find his target.
"Yesterday, that wasn't your anger that nearly caused you to shift, was it?" Sam's shoulders sunk. Bullseye.
"I don't know why, but he was angry, so I-"
"Who?" Jacob thought back to the faces in the room. "Jack?"
Sam nodded. Jacob could almost feel the confusion that the boy was feeling.
"You two share a connection already?" Sam nodded.
"Oh." Jacob said, at a loss for what to say. Then it hit him. What Sam was saying, Why the boy was here.
"Oh."
Sam sunk even deeper in defeat. He looked miserable.
"Does Jack know?" Even as Jacob asked, he doubted that Sam had been able to keep it from his friend.
Sam half nodded, half shook his head. "I think that he knows, but he doesn't want to hear it, so he just ignores it. But I know how he feels. We've known each other for such a long time. I know how he feels about me. Please," Sam begged. "Don't tell the others. I know that…in the old stories…but I don't want them to know."
Jacob was stunned. He was glad that Sam felt that he could tell him, and he truly felt horrible about the situation that Sam found himself in, but he didn't see how he could help. He understood just how much courage it had taken the boy to come out to Jacob. Once the thought sharing began, though, Sam wouldn't be able to deny it. That led Jacob to another thought. There was something in Sam's voice, as he vouched for Jack's own feelings, that Jacob found very familiar. He recognised the repressed pain and doubt of possibly unrequited love.
"You didn't imprint, did you?"
"No," Sam scoffed. "That's not the way it works."
Absently Jacob nodded his agreement.
"Sam, I don't think that I can help you. Maybe you should tell the boys, now, today, before they find out any other way."
Sam looked on the edge of tears as he stared at Jacob. He looked back down at his hands and his next words were mumbled. Jacob leaned forward to hear them.
"I heard my grandfather…he said that you knew how to conceal thoughts from the pack? I thought maybe…you could help me."
Jacob wished, with all of his being, that he could.
"I do know how to conceal thoughts." Jacob hated to squash the hopeful look that rose to Sam's features. "But it took me ages to figure out. I trained for months with the pack, years, and even then I didn't have it right. I'm sorry, but we don't have enough time for me to teach you. It would be better to get it out in the open now."
Sam choked back a sob. Jacob didn't envy the boy.
"Please, just help me. I don't want…" Sam trailed off, and Jacob nearly flinched as the boy's voice broke. He wanted to protect the kid, to stop him from feeling the immense sorrow that wormed its way between them. The emotional and mental link between all of them was growing stronger. He knew that the other boys were on their way. They'd be at Jake's in less than a minute.
"Okay." Jacob said, uneasy about the promise he was about to make. "When the link comes...online, I'll try to help you. I'll do what I can, but Sam," He waited for the boy to look at him, hating the hope and trust that he saw in Sam's face. He didn't know if he could really help. "I'm not saying that I can stop them from finding out. It'll be hard, I don't know if we can do it. But I'll try. I still think that it would be better if you-"
Sam's emotions took a sudden turn, flowing easily from pained to happy and excited. Jacob knew that they had run out of time. The other wolves came into the yard, approaching from different directions. Jacob welcomed them with a smile, but inside he couldn't quell his worry about the whole situation.
(...)
It was times like this that Jacob wished he was a little more human. Wished that his physical fatigue would match his mental exhaustion. But he didn't bruise, his limbs didn't tire out. It wasn't his body that wanted to collapse onto the neared horizontal surface and sleep until it was tomorrow. Or the next day.
He had been an alpha before. For about a week. For a pack of three people. Turned out this wasn't all that different. Jacob had been born to be alpha, and it was as natural as breathing to him. It had been harder to let someone else be alpha.
They would have to be careful, but Jacob had managed to keep Sam's secret from the others. He'd been keeping a close eye on Sam and Jack, and on their interactions, but had been able to keep the reason to himself. It had earned him a confused and amused look from Jack, but he thought that everyone was a little bit too occupied to notice anything.
It had taken a lot out of him though. Catching Sam's thoughts, his emotions, before they flew too far. He was tired.
The new wolves had wanted to test the range of their new capabilities. Jacob, not being new at this, wasn't about to deny them the excitement of exploration. They had paired off. Jacob didn't want them going off alone. Sam and Kallem. Harley and Pond; Jacob hoped that one would be able to talk even a little bit of sense into the other. Jacob had taken Jack with him. When he had arranged the couples there had been a few groans of displeasure, but since he was now officially the alpha there was nothing more they could do. They were a team now. He wasn't about to have them forming their own little factions and leaving people out.
Sam had shot him a wary look as they separated. Jack didn't seem to mind that he'd been paired with the old guy, though. He looked about him with a bit of pride, feeling that he'd been chosen to take his rightful place as Jake's beta. Jacob hadn't meant the decision as an act of distinction, but he didn't correct Jack. It was probably the right choice anyway.
Jacob kept a careful eye on the two boys. He remembered Sam's tone as he had assured Jacob of his belief. That Jack felt the same way about him. Sam had been absolutely determined but it had come out sounding like he was reassuring himself. The slight hint of doubt had made Jacob dubious.
But as Jacob watched the boys, he couldn't help but see it. He believed that Sam was right.
But Jacob would never admit it, maybe even to himself. Of that Jacob was equally certain.
They had all headed off in different directions, keeping in contact across the distance. They hadn't reached the limit to their communications before it started to get dark, and Jacob had told them to head back. He was impressed, happy with the result of solidifying the group.
Jacob had been worried about the amount of emotional damage that he was dumping on the kids, but they had taken it in their strides, with barely a shuddering groan. Jacob tried to be as open with them as he could. The only thing that he held back was Edward. He was there, of course, in Jacob's memories of Bella, and of the Cullens. But everything else, going to the house and finding Edward, feeding him, Jacob kept that to himself.
The wolves had all been running on a high when they met up in Jacob's yard. They were so excited about the new things that they were discovering. As they laughed and fooled around, Jacob watched them. Envied them a little. They all looked carefree. It seemed that nothing mattered to them in this moment. They were young, they'd just been told that they had abilities that defied the laws of nature. And they had a family. Who wouldn't be celebrating? Even Sam looked utterly untroubled. Jacob supposed that there were more important, more spectacular thing to think of, and that their conversation earlier could be buried under all of that.
Alone in his house, darkness pouring into the room through the open windows, couldn't stop thinking about the conversation. He'd carefully kept himself from thinking about it while he had been with the pack, the thoughts always transferred better when they were all together and in wolf form, but bow he couldn't stop the thoughts from coming.
Sparing a thought for Sam and Jack, who were unable to do the same, Jacob switched off his mind from the mental link. It was a lot quieter in his mind when it was only him.
Something Sam had said had been bugging Jacob. When he had asked Sam whether he had imprinted, and he had immediately replied in the negative.
That's not the way it works.
Jacob had never thought about it much. Imprinting was supposed to be an instinctual thing. Some evolutionary chain to create a future generation. So a man couldn't imprint on another man.
It didn't bother Jacob that Sam was gay, it had long been acceptable in their community. It bothered him that Sam was worried about it. Jacob knew that in a younger generation, where culture mattered less, and outside influences mattered so much more, homosexuality took on a different hue.
Jacob shuddered when he thought about the consequences of a gay man imprinting. He didn't know what it was like to imprint, at least he had no firsthand experience, but he knew that it was all consuming, and sappy, and uncontrollable. He'd seen his friends imprint, felt them imprint. Whether it was just a thing for natural selection and reproduction or not, it was strong.
Jacob remembered the sad chuckle Sam had spared him while they had been speaking. It was evident that the boy thought that he would never imprint, but Jacob guessed that he would. One day, when the right person came along, his own identity would be completely rewritten by the wolf gene.
It was bittersweet really. Sam wouldn't have to worry about the pack finding out and possibly judging him, although Jacob doubted that they would. But he would have no give up an integral part of himself, something that made him who he was. Jacob reflected on what being a wolf had taken from him, and wondered how Sam would face the coming challenges.
He's stronger than you give him credit for, a voice in his head crooned. He's find a way to deal with this. After all, you did. He'll just lie to himself, just like-
Jacob pushed the thought away. Now wasn't the time to be thinking about things that he had no power to change. It was depressing to think about problems for which he had no answer.
Jacob tried to think of other things, but his mind wouldn't settle. The voice continued, but Jacob ignored it. It was the same voice that had been plaguing him since Edward's return, since he'd decided to help the man he had intended to kill. It was the voice that Jacob was hoping would just fade into the background, before he had to listen to it, actually hear what it was saying.
The house suddenly seemed so small. And so loud. Jacob couldn't clear his thought in the crowded rooms. Grabbing his coat and keys, he escaped out to his car, hoping it would take him somewhere new.