Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. Maki Murakami does.
Prompt: "And it hurts that I can't let him touch me, because all I want is for him to hold me"
Rated T for implied rape and sexual innuendos.
Fear
I hate this.
I don't understand at all. I let it happen for Yuki -- I let them ... do that ... so that I could protect Yuki. I did it for him, he knows that I did it for him, and even though he never says anything about it -- about what I did for him -- I know that I see just a little gratitude in his eyes every time he looks at me. But every time he reaches out to touch me, I can't help but remember their hands and their words. Those threats.
And I pull back.
God, I love him more than anything in the world. Whenever he's not around, even when I'm at the studio or he's at the publisher's -- it's hard to breathe or think straight. Loving Yuki -- making love to Yuki -- was all I lived for.
But he's so intimidating, so big, and his eyes are so hard and cruel. They usually soften, at least a little, when he looks at me, but there's always that split second before he knows it's me he's looking at, when his eyes are still cold, that reminds me of their eyes, and that's enough.
I hate to say that I fear him, because I love him so much. And it hurts that I can't let him touch me, because all I want is for him to hold me, to make me -- us -- as we once were. But when the apartment goes dark because the sun's gone down, and all that's lighting our room are the dim lamps, I feel like I'm back there. And when he touches me -- just a small, gentle graze across my face, it burns and I whimper. Because all I see in the dark is Tachi.
He never says anything about it. But with that gratitude, I see hurt. And I see guilt.
And I hate my stupid fear of my lover even more.
As always, I want to hear from you! :)