Jacob drew in a shuddering breath. He was still trying to convince himself that the air he as breathing was actually reaching his lungs. He inhaled again, trying to fill his lungs with cold air. He was alone in his house again, moonlight pouring in the windows.
When he had left Edward, night had just been taking a true hold. Jacob hadn't really noticed, despite the oversized windows in Edward's room. Jacob had been distracted by the past, delving into it for the first time in a very long while. It had been so long since he had remembered, intentionally, anything about that time, so long ago when everything had been so different. He'd been so caught up in it, just talking, not even caring if Edward was listening, that he hadn't noticed Edward leaning in. The first thing that really registered was the shock of ice against his lips.
It had been surprisingly pleasant.
The alcohol had long since stopped having an effect on him, though he hadn't felt the urge to drink more. It was comforting, to find that he didn't need to drink to feel truly comfortable with Edward. All that he had to do was forget that he was there. Jacob wondered whether that boded well for their relationship.
Relationship. That was a laugh. After today, even a simple friendship had flown out of his grasp.
It had been that feeling again, as if all the air had been drawn slowly out of his lungs.
Not while Edward had been kissing him. If it could even be called kissing. It was only a brief touch of lips. Nothing like Jacob's limited experience in the kissing department. And yet it had been so much more. Jacob felt the kiss, with a greater resolution and clarity than he had ever felt anything. It was only contact, physical contact, but it resonated throughout his being with a magnitude that rocked him to his core. He felt, he couldn't even begin to describe what he had felt. Edward had begun humming against his lips, the vibrating movements almost imperceptible. Some wordless melody, sung to Jacob through their connected lips.
They Edward had pulled away, and taken with him all of the air in the room. Jacob felt it, that sinking feeling, the realisation destroying the fantasy. For a second everything had made a strange kind of scene, like truth and reality didn't matter. But that second was gone as soon as Edward recoiled from the kiss. Jacob had felt it all dissolve. He realised just how much he wanted this, this whatever it was, and how much it would hurt him to have it taken away. He was almost angry with Edward for ruining it, for denying him the chance to finally feel something, after all this time, to feel right, and safe, and close.
He couldn't breathe. Suddenly the walls of the room were so much closer than Jacob had first realised, and Edward was staring at him, eyes wide. Jacob had felt horribly guilty, as if it were him, not Edward, who had leaned in, broken that unspoken rule. Jacob felt that he had, in some way, betrayed the vampire. Was it all his fault? He was the sober one, after all.
He could barely understand what had happened, or how it had happened, but he had realised that he had to get out. Edward didn't move at all, not even in that parody of breath that they unconsciously employed. The tension in the room, the anger, or rejection, or pity, whatever it was that Edward had building up inside of him, Jacob didn't want to be there when it broke.
So he had left. He had listened to his empty lungs, refusing to even look back as he ran out of the room, out of the house.
He'd at least had the presence of mind to take the car, unlike the other times he'd rushed out of the Cullen household. His shoes, though, were still sitting on the carpet, next to Edward's still body. Jacob didn't want to collect them. They could sit there for eternity for all he cared.
Everything had changed and it had only taken couple of seconds. All it had taken, for his hopes of a stable friendship to go flying down the drain, was brief kiss. And it hadn't really been his fault.
Jacob paced the room. There was something else. There was always something else. It bugged him and without thinking it through, he knew that he would be unable to settle down. He didn't want to sleep, but he knew that it would evade him anyway.
Jacob didn't want to think about it. Chances were it would only make things worse, if possible. His sanity depended on not thinking about the thing.
Like he had a choice. His sanity was shot to buggery anyway, because, whatever way he looked at the situation, however much he didn't understand, Edward had kissed him.
He'd apparently changed his mind and reacted with disgust he deemed appropriate for the situation, but the fact still remained that Edward had kissed him.
And Jacob had felt a jolt of hope that his strange attraction wasn't quite as unrequited as he had thought.
What he felt for Edward hadn't diminished in the slightest. Jacob wished that he could either understand it or stop it, since he'd been unable to go back to just ignoring it. But it was beyond his powers of comprehension. It made no sense that he would feel this way towards his mortal enemy, the sole reason he'd been forced into being a wolf and had chosen to remain one. It was beyond weird.
But that Edward would begin to like him back… that was simply crazy.
Even though it had been hours ago, adrenaline was still being very much a nuisance. Jacob was finding it impossible to think straight, and a very small or very large part of his mind was screaming at him to go back.
Now.
Jacob wasn't entirely sure, because the screaming was so loud that no rational thought could really get purchase.
And even though Jacob knew that it was the worst possible things that he could do, he wanted to listen to every crazy thought that he was having. Because no matter how much he tried, he couldn't get his heart to slow down. Every time he took a step he could feel it reverberate along his knees, and his legs would go weak, because it was so tiring. Whatever it was that had or hadn't happened, it had done something to him, and now he couldn't calm down. He was freaking out, and all attempts to stay calm weren't working. He was getting closer and closer to doing something rash out of desperation. And hope.
He didn't want to let himself hope, but hope came anyway. He hadn't let himself hope in over half a century, now he couldn't stop himself. He knew that he would most likely get hurt, that all that was waiting for him was rejection. But that didn't seem to matter.
He had to get control of himself. Just stop himself from doing something stupid until he could think straight. He couldn't just leave, like he'd done before when things got too difficult. Now he had a pack, people who were reliant on him, he couldn't just go.
He had responsibilities. He couldn't do whatever it was his irrational mind was telling him to do. The group already had to deal with a lot, without Jacob adding to the crazy in their lives.
He just had to get through the new day. Nothing had to change. He just had to pretend that nothing had happened. Just because pretending had never helped him before, didn't mean that it wouldn't work this time.
(...)
Jacob was working in the garage. Tinkering with the car, keeping his hands busy, it was helping to keep his mind of what had almost happened. It stopped his from focusing on the ghost of a chance that Edward had bought into an eerie half-life. At the very least it allowed him to escape from everything. Everyone in the pack knew not to disrupt him when the garage door was closed. Unlike his old pack, the new boys didn't spend every waking moment in their alpha's house. They'd bunked down in some house that Sam Senior had provided for them. Secretly Jacob suspected that it was Sam's way to have at least a little control over the new pack. Jacob didn't blame him. All of Sam's fears about Jacob's leadership had been spot on. Jacob wasn't cut out to be a leader. All that he had going for him was his genetics, and some freaky twist of fate that gave him a good batch.
Jacob had always been a loose cannon, before and after Bella's death. Too good at twisting the rules and too willing to disobey. The perfect candidate for a bad influence.
But Jacob trusted his boys to pull through. Even after everything that had happened they were all staying together, and all still training hard. It was enough to give Jacob some hope for them.
He fiddled with a small part, grease staining his hands black and blotched, but still heard the door creak slowly open. Breathing deeply Jacob tested the air for a scent amid the oil and metal smell that filled the air. He didn't really need to though. He'd been expecting another visit
Speak of the devil.
Sam Senior came around the side of the car.
And he shall appear, Jacob thought, a little bitterly.
Neither man spoke for a while. Jacob went on fiddling with his car parts, not really focusing on the task. He was grateful for the intrusion. It promised to distract him for a while.
Jacob figured that Sam wasn't going to speak until he stood up but he was in no rush. When he did rise, his knees creaked. Wiping his hands on a rag, he turned to his visitor.
"To what do I own the honour of your time?"
Sam smiled wryly.
"Hello to you too."
"No but really. I heard that you're a pretty important person nowadays. Good to see you've still got time for the little people." Jacob bantered. He knew that he was blowing off a little steam, but he couldn't stop himself from sounding like a petulant child.
"I'm not here to chat-" Sam began, but Jacob interrupted.
"No one ever comes to chat." Just to complete the image of childish absurdity Jacob pouted. Sam almost smiled, but controlled his features just in time to look disapproving.
"Can we just be serious for a minute here?"
"You can be serious. If you want."
"It's about Edward."
Jacob fell silent. He'd expected this. What else would Sam want to talk about? He hadn't expected the mere mention of Edward's name to cause such a sensation of memory. He had hoped that the perpetual argument that had been boiling away in the back of his mind would continue to simmer until it burnt itself out, but it was brought back to the front of his mind with a cool precision. Sam took advantage of his silence to continue.
"It's not like I want to break up the pack, not when they're still so new and showing so much potential. But they don't need a vampire nearby to keep them active. They've got you to teach them that."
"What do you mean?"
"Edward's here all alone. I think that maybe it's time he returned to his own kind."
"Why?" Even as he said it Jacob realised that it was the wrong question for him to be asking.
"Because he's doing no one any good where he is. He'll start attracting more vampires, one's that aren't so human friendly."
"I don't think-"
"It's what they do Jake. Like us, they're clan oriented. They can't be alone."
"But-"
"Just get rid of him. We don't want him so close to our land. He's unstable."
Jacob didn't say anything. Sam had gone back to being the voice of the community. A community that Jacob had no part in, that he merely lived on the outskirts of. A community that didn't really know what had happened all those years ago.
They wanted Edward gone, but Edward still couldn't leave. Whatever it was that Edward wasn't ready to give up on, Sam was telling Jacob to wrench it out of his grasp.
Jacob remembered the confusion he'd seen flash across Edward's face, just as he had recoiled from the kiss. He wasn't about to deny that his wish to keep Edward was around was selfish. At least not to himself.
Sam didn't need to know, though.
"He can't go."
"Why not?"
"Because he's not ready to leave."
"We know you spend time there. He's ready to sit down and drink tea with his mortal enemy and ex-rival, but he's not ready to leave?"
"He's not ready to leave her."
Sam was quiet. He seemed to detect the magnitude, without fully understanding the context, of Jacob's revelation. Jacob's mind was spinning. His worst fears had found words, at last, and he'd come to realise exactly why he'd been hesitating, why the argument was still flying back and forth in the back of his mind. He was afraid that, for Edward, it would always be Bella. There was always the possibility, probability, that if Edward did progress or heal enough to move on, he wouldn't want to do it with Jacob. But greater was the fear that such a time would never come. Bella's ghost stood between them, and perhaps she always would.
Sam sighed, and chuckled a sad laugh.
"Jake, you and I are too old to argue. I understand that he needs time, but he can't stay indefinitely."
Jacob nodded. Sam was only saying exactly what Jacob had been saying himself a couple of months ago. Sam appeared to be pleased with Jacob's nod, he placed his hand on the younger man's shoulder before turning and walking out.
Jacob went back to tinkering with the shell of a car, hoping that the thoughts that had been stirred up by his impromptu meeting with the town's most respected senior citizen would quickly settle.
(...)
For some unknown reason, it was so important to Jacob that there was no choice. If there was choice it meant that he was free to go running back into the arms of rejection with a goofy smile on his face. He didn't want to be that person again. He needed to have no choice but to try and make everything the same. It would be easier.
And in the end he guessed that there wasn't really a choice. Because his sanity and his rational mind were fighting a losing battle against a tide of emotional shrapnel. In the end, the only choice that he had was whether or not to choose. He could choose to keep fighting and slowly go mad, or to give in, because there was only one way to stop all this.
He had to go and see Edward. Only he didn't know exactly what that meant. He could just turn up, without a plan, and see what happened, but he didn't know if he could do that. He needed to think, but he was too far past the time for sane thought.
He was sitting down, grounded to the chair. It felt safe. Stable. Less like Jacob's knees were going to give in if he tried to take a step.
Jacob didn't know what was wrong with him. It had never been like this with Bella.
He had to go now, before he changed his mind. He stood up and began walking towards the door. He'd only taken a few steps before he turned around again. He sat back down, but his initial movement had started his blood pumping and now it was deafening him. Now was the time. He stood again, resolutely fighting against the urge to run in the opposite direction, and made it to the door. The night air did nothing to counteract his raging pulse, but he was glad for it. The adrenaline that was pumping through his beings was the only thing keeping him standing.
Run or take the car?
Take the car. For reasons that became completely obvious as a blush spread across Jacob's features.
He didn't remember much of the drive, his attention barely on the road. It was night again, with nothing but the streetlights dancing upon the hood of his car and lighting up the road for brief seconds at intervals. Jacob was unable to hold his focus on the black asphalt, and was glad that the road was pretty much deserted.
When he pulled into the driveway, Jacob took a deep breath and forced his way out of the car, knowing that if he hesitated for even a moment he might get back in the driver's seat.
Jacob ascended the few steps and did what he had never, in all of his long memory, done. He knocked on Edward's door.
(...)
It was only seconds, but Jacob would have sworn that it was longer.
He was waiting, as patiently as he could. Just waiting. It was right to wait but he could feel his heart beating, each thrum against his ribcage desperately urging him to turn around and leave.
But he'd made it this far, he could wait a few seconds more.
He hadn't really thought before knocking, but he realised as he stood, trying to stare through the great wooden door, that it had been the right thing to do. He'd given Edward a choice. Edward would be able to hear his standing there, and know what he was doing there. It was Edward's choice whether or not to open the door.
Jacob didn't have a plan. He was running on instinct and a lack of sleep. He didn't know yet what he would do if the dopers opened, but he knew he would be even more lost if it remained closed. He felt each shuddering breath rip through his body, feeling as if he had actually run all of the way. It was a reminder that breathing was just about all he was capable of while the door was still closed.
He was completely hopeless. Ridiculous. This was not acceptable behaviour for someone going on seventy. He wondered exactly when he'd become a teenage girl.
Jacob knew how crazy he as acting, but he was there now, and he was going to see it all through. He'd made his decision and finally an end was insight. Whatever happened; it calmed him a little to think that he was only doing the inevitable. He had had no real choice.
He focused on the dark wood of the door. He was trying not to listen, not wanting his enhanced hearing to pick up either silence or the sound of footsteps from within the house.
The door opened.
Instead of staring intently at the door, Jacob found himself staring at a shirt. A blue shirt. It took his mind a little while to catch up and figure out that the shirt was being worn. He didn't look up. Now that he was here, standing in front of Edward, his mind had gone completely blank. He couldn't bring himself to either look up or move.
Edward didn't say anything, but Jacob couldn't see his face to know what the vampire was feeling.
They stood like that, neither speaking, neither moving, until Edward sighed. Leaving the door open Edward walked back into the house, and Jacob finally found enough control to follow.