Estrangement

Disclaimer: Don't own Victorious

A/N:

Chapter 16 (A Counselor to Vent To)

"Are you vacuuming? Really?" Tori was indeed vacuuming the apartment as Jade asked, and was talking over the phone at the same time. She knew it was probably unnecessary, but she had to make sure everything was spotless. She'd gotten off work and was going to be watching Alex tomorrow for Zack.

"I'm watching someone's kid Saturday." She heard Jade cough and raised an eyebrow. Did Jade not think she could handle this? "I met someone at the store, they helped me with groceries, and I insisted that I pay them back. They asked me to babysit because some important guests were going to be visiting the hotel he works at, so I'm making sure the apartment is thoroughly clean."

"Well I never thought you'd be watching a kid. Does Trina know? Or is it just one of those sudden things?" Trina did not know yet, she wasn't sure how Trina would react. Surely she wouldn't care if a kid was in the apartment or not, but she may wish to be informed, being the landlord and whatnot. "Are you even allowed to have kids at the apartment?"

"Trina did not specify, and I don't think she'll care. Besides, it gives me something to look forward to on the weekend. I mean I'm not hanging out with my bestie or anything, so what else am I going to do while I'm off work?"

"Touché. How are things at the apartment?"

"Well the people aren't going to fix the water until the 5th, so I'm dealing in cold showers right now. I'm learning how to cook meals, although…so far microwave cooking…" Jade laughed and Tori narrowed her eyes. "There's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to microwave cooking! I'll use the stove…when I'm sure I'm not going to blow something up. I don't think Trina wants to find a giant hole in the apartment wall. I'd be kicked out for sure. I mean, I'm kind of on thin ice with her. It's 'one mistake and you're gone.' So I'd rather not risk that."

"Understandable. So you told me you had something you wanted to talk about?" Tori gasped and adjusted her phone with her hand while kneeling to sweep the vacuum hose under the couch.

"Yes. I um…I wanted to talk to you on counselor-client basis here. It um-it involves one of our former friends. I'm furious and it's taking everything I have not to call him up and scream at him. Especially since this happened twenty years ago. He's probably forgotten about it by now because-well it involves Trina, and god knows nobody gave a shit about her."

"Yeah, you sound angry. So it's serious? Who did what?" Tori clicked off the vacuum and fell back onto the couch, running her hand through her hair as she let out a heavy sigh. "Are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just exhausted, it's been a long day, and really difficult with all those sweaty men and people." She smacked her leg and looked towards the vacuum cleaner. "Anyway, you remember when Trina moved out and Robbie confessed to having been the one that cut her cord that day I begged her to be in that play?"

"Yes."

"Jade…Trina was pregnant." Her eyes started to water as her hand slowly clenched around her pants. "She never told us, probably didn't think we'd care, especially not after that. She-She lost the baby because of what Robbie did…she miscarried." Jade gasped as Tori bowed her head. "I had to let this out to someone I knew wouldn't go blurting it around."

"How did you find out? Did Trina tell you?"

"No, and I doubt she'd want to talk about it. Sounds like she's moved on from it. My um-my boss and one of her close friends told me in brief. She didn't know the specifics but it wasn't hard to piece it together. She um-Trina hit the bottle pretty hard when she moved, the stress of leaving us all behind kind of ignited the trauma of that miscarriage. Nearly flunked her classes, her friends were the ones that built her back up."

"So it sounds like you are pretty upset with Robbie, but yeah, contacting him wouldn't do anything but reopen an old wound that is probably long since closed. Not that our arrival in New York didn't open up some old wounds. Then there's the matter of Robbie not realizing what he'd done, no one did. So to bring it up to any of them, it would just upset them, and probably burn some bridges you might not want to burn."

"Yeah, I just…It's hard not to want to yell and scream. Hell, I'm mad at Andre, even! Now that I think about it…didn't he just want to go on some stupid date?"

"Yeah, I remember that pretty well. All he cared about was a date, right?"

"I'm mad at myself too! I should have been there for her! She didn't trust me-didn't trust mom and dad-enough to tell us she had a miscarriage or even was pregnant. That fucking hurts, Jade! I don't want my sister to be in pain, I never wanted that, and here I was being so heartless back then. God, I was so fucking stupid! I hope they all lose my number! I don't care for them…I don't…I just want to focus on mending whatever broken bridges there are with my sister"

"That is a good idea. You can't blame yourself for what happened to Trina, or that child, however. You didn't know, they didn't know, and it's not Trina's fault. Robbie should not have done what he did, and twenty years have gone by, it's much too late to do anything about it now."

"Daddy would have fried his ass if he knew! Don't mistake my papa-he loved Trina with all his heart! He would have made the greatest grandpa alive." She put her hand to her chest, weeping silently as she released all her emotions. "It was my fault. I pushed, Jade, I grabbed my parents attention and pushed Trina away. Because of what I did, she didn't want to tell us she was pregnant or that she miscarried. I wouldn't have even put her in that play if I knew she was pregnant! I wouldn't have given Robbie that opportunity! We would have been there if she told us about the miscarriage. If anything, Daddy would have."

"Tori, if anyone is at fault, it is Robbie. Do not blame yourself for him. Besides, if there's one good thing that can be said, it looks like Trina has grown from it. She's moved on with her life, it may just be best for you to let go as well. There is nothing that anybody can do."

"I know…"

"And do you think Trina would want you holding onto this? Would she want you losing sleep over this?"

"No…" Tori shifted her gaze to the right and huffed. "It was so long ago that she probably would prefer I just move on and not make a big deal out of it. It's hard not to, but I can understand why. She's got a great husband, three beautiful children, and doesn't appear to be affected by anything of the past. All she wants is to see me make some sort of commitment. I have to work for her respect, have to prove my loyalty. Stirring up old drama isn't going to help me."

"Exactly. So focus on one thing at a time." She heard Jade open some sort of box, then she started speaking with her mouth somewhat full. "So tell me about this 'hunk' you met at the store."

"Oh! Zack Martin. He's been divorced for ten years, hasn't seen his ex since. He works as a hotel manager and is raising his son there. He's very handsome, yes, and he's really made a life for himself and his son."

"You totally want to date him. I can tell from the tone in your voice."

"Well he just seems like a man I can respect." Tori looked over to the end table and her eyes fell onto a black journal she'd found tucked away in the far back end of her closet. "Oh! By the way Jade, I found this um…book in the closet."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it's pretty old. Like Trina old." She raised her eyebrows as she reached for the book and opened it up to the front page. "It's her journal. The first entry is after her move here. She says in her first entry that it was suggested by a counselor of hers and Sinjin as well that she write down her personal thoughts and emotions. I think she lost it. The journal, I mean. I looked at the final entry, and it was talking about her wedding with Sinjin, and their newborn baby, and how they were going to find a place to live. It must have fallen off the shelf in the closet and was pushed so far back that the last tenant didn't see it."

"It is her personal journal, Tori. Recommended by whatever therapist she had at the time. I wouldn't touch it. In fact, you may want to return it to her." That was a good idea, and so far Jade hadn't been wrong about anything. What would one peek hurt? "Also, do not look at it. It may be twenty years old, but it's still an invasion of her privacy. If you're wanting her to trust you, it would be better that you not look in that journal."

"I guess." She took a deep breath and slowly closed the book. She did want to know what Trina's life had been like, and how difficult of a time she had, but the unfortunate thing was, it would be a grievous misstep and invasion of privacy. "Jade. I hate when you're right."

"What are your feelings right now?"

"That on one hand I can use this to get some insight on Trina's life and find a way to get closer to my sister, but on the other hand, it could just get out of hand if she knew that I read it…and I might not like what I see, there is that possibility."

"Right, because most likely it was from a time she was depressed. There are likely to be a lot of angry thoughts towards you or your parents that she's since put away. Reading those thoughts are like what hearing about that miscarriage did, it will cause you more pain and grief than it would her at this point in her life."

"Do you think I should go ahead and shred it?"

"No. I think you should just be honest with her and give her the book. Let her be the one to get rid of it if she doesn't want it anymore. Sometimes, however, I have clients who write in a journal and they like to read in that journal years later just to see how their life has changed and so on, so Trina might actually want to keep it."

"Okay Jade…You've convinced me…" She tossed the journal to the end table and took a deep breath. "I won't read it, I won't do that to her."

"Okay. I'm glad."

"Yeah, I think…I think I needed this talk. I just had to vent."

"That's what I'm here for, Tori. That, and making sure you end up doing the right thing."

"That isn't ironic at all."

"Yeah I know, you've been saying that for the past fifteen years-get used to it." She laughed and said her goodbyes.

It didn't take long for her to figure her next step, and Trina was over in half an hour responding to Tori's 'emergency'. When Trina stepped in, her eyes turned to the black book in Tori's lap. "So. What's the emergency, Tori?"

"I um…found this in the closet while cleaning. I think it belongs to you. I didn't look." Trina raised an eyebrow as Tori walked over to her and handed her the book. The woman glanced down with heavy eyes and took a slow, deep breath.

"My journal, huh? Haven't seen this in damn near fifteen years. Fourteen, really. Lost it around the time I had Megan. You say you haven't read it?"

"Just the first part of the first entry, and the final entry about your wedding. That was all." Trina's face grew stern, then relaxed after a second.

"Why did you look at all?"

"Well I didn't know it was a diary or anything like that, so I was curious what it was when I read the entry. Then I wanted to know how long it had been back there, so I looked at the final entry." Trina closed her eyes and breathed in slowly.

"Okay. Well. Thanks for being honest. This is…um…not something I'd want you to be reading-I'll be honest at that. Old as it is, there are some pretty personal things in here that I don't need you knowing about right now."

"I understand. I didn't want to infringe on your privacy."

"I appreciate that. Is there anything else?"

"Yes. I met this guy at the store and he wants me to look after his son on Saturday." Trina's eyebrows shot up and she leaned against the wall. "I said I would because he doesn't have anyone else on short notice, but I thought I should ask you. His son's eleven."

"Okay. It should be fine if you're looking after him for an afternoon or something. Just don't neglect other duties." Trina looked down to her journal and started to become misty eyed, for the first time, startling Tori. This hardened, sharp-nosed woman was being emotional? "I'm going to deal with this journal appropriately."

"What are you going to do?"

"Honestly?" Her jaw locked and her eyelids fell halfway. "Probably burn or shred the damn thing page by page…I'm glad it was just in the closet. I was afraid I lost it somewhere and someone would end up reading all my secrets. Caused me a lot of grief at the time. Thanks…for returning it, and not reading it…"

"You're welcome."

"Yeah…You uh-have a good night sleep. Goodbye."

"Bye…" She watched as Trina scurried out of the apartment. Her lips curved into a smile and her heart skipped a beat. She was amazed by the turn of events, and how good she felt over doing the right thing. Sure she wanted desperately to read it, but if there was anything Trina wanted her to know, she'd tell her. "Well, better finish cleaning…I have a busy day tomorrow…"

Doing the right thing is never easy, but it can feel good. Well what do you think of everything?