Chapter 32 How am I meant to feel?

Punk;

Sighing, I took myself to my room with no new hope that Jamie would suddenly be friends with me again, she was pissed royally at me and I don't blame her, I had tried to apologize but I guess two words weren't enough, I was starting to think that perhaps I needed a bigger gesture to show her that I was really sorry, or maybe I should just leave it and let her stew. Instead of taking the lift I decided to climb the stairs, my room was right next to Jamie's and I was hoping that by the time I got to my room, she wouldn't be there or asleep or something. When I got in I heard her pottering around, it bought a smile to my face, she sounded so happy, her flute like voice spurting off some song, usually I would reconize any song but Jamie's song didn't seem to make much sense. It was just random words and an even more random tune, still I could hear the happiness in her voice, it actually hurt to know that if I went in there or she saw me, it would vanish and she wouldn't be happy no more. I pulled out some night gear and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and stuff, I could still hear her voice, only it was louder now that I was closer. In this weird hotel the bathrooms were connected, we were sharing a bathroom, yeah its weird and really messed up but we don't choose where we stay, some hotels were different and some had shared bathrooms, weird shit aside I listened to Jamie and let myself believe for a second that I wasn't the worst human being alive. I finished up and was on the way out when I heard her talking, for a split second I thought she was talking to me, sadly it sunk in that it wasn't me she was talking too when I heard her say 'Batman!"

"Hey Jam, I heard about what happened, you ok?" Raven looked to her younger sister concerned, Jamie took most insults with a grain of salt, but the R word was just something that broke her, it was heart wrenching to see but in a way good, it showed that somewhere deep down, Jamie was still normal. Well to a point.

"Yeah I guess" Jamie shrugged, "Raven he said sorry, should I forgive him?"

Yes! Yes forgive Punk he didn't mean it forgive him! He willed it from his rooted spot in the bathroom, where he was listening anxiously.

"Jam I can't tell you how to feel, if you want to forgive him then forgive him"

"I don't know what I want" Jamie let out a sigh "I'm just so mad at him, he called me a retard! He thinks that I'm not worth the same oxygen"

"Did he say that?"

"Probably"

Raven let out a laugh "I don't think he thinks that, and you are worth the same oxygen as he has"

Jamie let out a breath "Its like he's saying that it don't matter how much healing I've done, it don't matter about all the things I've re-learnt to do again, I'm still not worth common decencies, which is totally unfair, I deserve air and stuff as much as he does"

"Jamie if you want to forgive him then thats ok, you don't have to stay angry because you think thats what's normal"
"I'm still a little mad at him, but" "But what?" Raven looked to her sister worriedly, she got the same look in her eye that her other sisters did when they had an idea, usually it was an idea that could easily bck fire.

"But I have an idea, a great one! That will make him eat his words"

"Is there any point in telling you not to go through with your plan?"

Jamie finally let out a laugh "No, I want to do this, its better than what I'm feeling now"

"Which is?"

"I don't know! Damnit Raven give me pain that I can define!"

"I am not shoving your hand in the toaster again"

Jamie scowled, "I just wanted pain I could define"

"Yeah well shoving your hand in the toaster isn't gonna happen again"

"Raven I'm afraid to forgive him"

"Why?"

Yeah why?

"Because if I do, he'll just do it again because he got away with it so easily"

Thats a good point but no I won't do that, I give you my word

They talked for a while longer, Punk stayed for almost all of it, needing to hear what else she was going to say about him, she didn't say much else about him or her plan, but he hoped that she would at least forgive him.

Finally she logged off and started to get ready for bed, Punk scattered like a discovered ant, even Jamie would be able to click onto someone eaves-dropping.