Author's Note: Groveling apologies for the late update! I was midwifing a website. It was a long, arduous birth with complications, too. Thanks for all of your reviews and favorites to remind me to make time for writing even when it seemed impossible! And on reading your various hopes for this chapter, I realized that no matter where this story went, it was going to disappoint some of you. I am very sorry for that, and I hope you find some redeeming qualities in this chapter!

Chapter 42

Lisbon woke for the second time that morning to the smell of coffee and bacon. Her first stop was the bathroom, where she found a towel still warm from the dryer and a pregnancy test on the counter. She rolled her eyes but decided to get the test over with, and when she went into the kitchen a few minutes later she waved the stick with the negative result in front of her husband's face.

Jane's poker face was second to none, so she looked in vain for any trace of relief or disappointment. She wondered what he would have said if the little stick had given them a different answer. She also wondered if he really was strong enough to be a single parent. If Red John had stuck to his pattern and only killed Angela, would Jane have ever embarked on his quest for vengeance, or would he have focused on rebuilding a normal life for Charlotte instead? Maybe even dated again, found her a stepmother?

"Eat up," Jane encouraged her. "It could be a long day."

"What do you think is next?" she asked, digging into her omelet.

"Mm." He sat across from her and sipped his tea, obviously having eaten earlier. "He'll definitely escalate, but it's hard to say how quickly. He's close to you, and he knows I know that. He'll take great glee in making me paranoid and possessive, which will have the added benefit of driving you nuts."

"So that's what you meant by it being a long day." At least her stomach had settled so she could face it without the added annoyance.

"I'm sure something new will come up as well. Having failed to frame me for Lorelei's murder, he'll try something else to make you doubt me." Jane tapped a finger against his teacup. "I wonder if it isn't time we started acting like you're pregnant."

"I thought you said that wasn't his goal anymore."

"All the more reason. It will tempt him to go back to his original plan, which will buy us time until we can lay our escape plans."

"Jane, I told you, I'm not dumping this into the others' laps. There's no telling what Red John would do. I'm not going to run away and leave them to face it alone. I'd never forgive myself."

"You would if you were pregnant."

"That's different." She took another bite, then frowned. "Is that why you've been so obsessed with the possibility? You think you need to knock me up to get me to safety?"

"The thought had occurred, although I am still opposed to bringing a child into the world while Red John is in it. A pretend child is another matter though." He took another sip of tea. "It would be natural for you to be in denial about it, given how you'll hate to give up fieldwork. And it would be equally natural for me to hover over you, monitor your caffeine intake, and redouble my efforts to eliminate junk food from your life."

"I'm not giving up coffee for a pretend baby," she warned.

"You will only have to cut back."

"Not if I'm in denial," she pointed out.

"Then I will let people see me secretly swapping out your usual high-octane brew for decaf."

Lisbon groaned. Leave it to Jane to come up with a plan that didn't require her to cooperate at all. "I can't function without coffee," she protested, in a last-ditch effort to stop this crazy scheme.

"I know. But pregnant women are expected to be tired and out of sorts. Caffeine withdrawal will simulate that nicely. No acting required." He looked very pleased with himself.

If her omelet hadn't been so delicious, Lisbon thought, he'd be wearing it about now.

mmm

When they got to work, Jane commandeered the table in Lisbon's office to work on his list and compare it to the one of the people in CBI during the bug sweep. After cross checking the lists for a couple of hours, he decided to put the rest of his plan in motion. "I'm going to run an errand," he announced to Lisbon, getting to his feet.

She was engrossed in some deathly dull reading, he surmised, because she only gave a vague "Mm hm" in response. He was actually in the doorway before her brain processed his words and she looked up. "Take Cho with you," she ordered.

"Of course." She didn't know it, but Cho was perfect for what he had in mind. He grinned as he went out to the bullpen to get started.

Half an hour later, they were back. Jane was carrying a brown paper bag, which oddly enough had been harder to get than what was inside, and Cho was smirking in a way that was invisible to anyone who didn't know him well.

Lisbon did, however, and she was immediately suspicious. She had come out to talk to Rigsby and Van Pelt to distract herself, Jane thought. Apparently the result of his last outing was still painfully fresh in her mind.

He treated them all to his biggest, most blinding smile. Lisbon started to smile back involuntarily before she caught herself, and he held the bag out to her.

She eyed it as if it might contain a dead mouse. Or bugs. "What is that?"

"Proof that I'm right." He didn't try to conceal his smugness.

"About?" She folded her arms, ignoring the bag. Her eyes were making dire promises of a woeful fate if he did what she thought he was about to do.

"Or, I suppose," he mused, "there's a remote possibility it may enable you to prove me wrong." She wouldn't be able to resist that.

Lisbon had definitely guessed what was in the bag, and she was already planning where to bury his body. If she couldn't find a pack of coyotes to feed his mangled corpse to, that is, he amended his thought. "Jane. That had better not be what I think it is. We are at work."

Chuckling, Jane winked at her. "Lisbon," he said in mock reproof, "you'll make Rigsby blush if you keep talking like you think I've bought you a kinky new sex toy."

Rigsby did blush, but his color was nothing compared to Lisbon's furiously red cheeks. "Jane!" she hissed.

He waggled the bag at her. "The sooner you get this over with, the less embarrassing it will be for everyone."

"I already went through this once today," she hissed. "Just because you didn't like the answer doesn't mean it was wrong."

"Who are you going to believe," he asked, "me or a stick?"

"Me and the stick," she retorted.

They had quite an audience by now, which suited his purposes but meant that Lisbon was going to take her time killing him. If she didn't have an aneurysm once she saw what else was in the bag, that is.

"You," Lisbon growled, "are going to regret this. Deeply and for a long, long time." She snatched the bag out of his hand and stalked off, Grace hurrying to catch up.

Jane grinned and rubbed his hands together, while Cho shook his head and said, "You know when she comes back to kill you, none of us are going to stop her, right?"

"Watch and learn, my friend," Jane replied. "Watch and learn."

mmm

Lisbon went to a rarely used women's restroom for privacy, Van Pelt trailing in prudent silence. They not only checked for previous occupants, but also swept for bugs before locking the door and opening the bag. The pregnancy test was not a surprise, but the note was.

Have Grace take it for you.

Lisbon and Van Pelt stared at each other in shock. Then Van Pelt cleared her throat. "Jane thinks that I'm..."

Lisbon turned the piece of paper over. P.S. Grace, don't tell Rigsby until you get home and sweep for bugs. Congratulations! "Apparently."

Van Pelt stared at the box with wide eyes, barely breathing. Then she gulped in a breath, grabbed it, and went into one of the stalls. When she came out again, there was a sheen to her eyes, and she wouldn't meet Lisbon's gaze.

As they waited for the stick's verdict, Lisbon thought about the mix of terror and barely acknowledged, conflicted longing she always felt when she was the one waiting for an answer. Van Pelt looked like she was mostly on the longing side, but then she wasn't being stalked by a serial killer. And if Lisbon was interpreting Jane's plan correctly, Van Pelt's pregnancy was going to remain a secret for a while, eclipsed by the very public fake pregnancy she herself was about to embark on.

Lisbon, by now an old hand at this, had set a timer on her phone. When it went off, Van Pelt jumped, then bit her lip. "I'm afraid to look," she admitted, her mouth twisting wryly.

Lisbon reached for the stick, but Van Pelt snatched it before she could. "No. I want—" She swallowed hard. "I want to know first."

"Go ahead." Lisbon fought back a smile. But she needn't have bothered, because Van Pelt's entire attention was on the stick.

She didn't have to ask what the verdict was; it was written all over the younger agent's face. Shock gave way to wonder and then to joy, and when Van Pelt finally looked up, there were tears in her eyes.

Lisbon couldn't help smiling back. "Congratulations."

Van Pelt dabbed at her eyes, smiling broadly. "Thanks, Boss."

Oh, this was ridiculous, Lisbon thought. If ever a hug was called for, it was now. She steeled herself and went for it, and Van Pelt clutched at her like a lifeline.

When Van Pelt finally let go and stepped back, she was frowning in thought. "So what's the plan? I give you this?"

Lisbon shook her head. "Throw it away." For some unfortunate disciple to dig out of some really nasty trash, she hoped.

"And then?"

"And then," Lisbon sighed, "we go out there and lie through our teeth."

mmm

"They've been gone a long time," Rigsby murmured, looking around worriedly.

"Not to worry," Jane grinned. "If I was wrong, Lisbon would be back by now to wave it in my face. Gone a long time means she's in there grinding her teeth and trying to figure out how to punish me for being right. It's a good thing."

Cho said, "You like getting punished. That explains a lot."

Rigsby did a spit take with his coffee while Jane continued grinning like a lunatic. His cheeks were just beginning to hurt when Lisbon stormed down the hall, shot him a death glare, and vanished into her office, snapping the blinds closed. Ah, perfect.

Grace followed soon after, smiling uncontrollably. She was so happy she seemed to light up the entire bullpen, but she didn't look around as she came straight to him and threw her arms around him. It was the most fierce hug he'd had from anyone but Lisbon in a long time. It was, he realized, the hug she wanted to give Rigsby but couldn't, because she had committed to the plan.

"Congratulations," she said, pulling back.

He smiled at her with absolute sincerity. "Thank you, Grace." He patted her shoulder, then flashed his toothy smile around indiscriminately, heading for his wife's office. A few steps later, he spun around, pointing at his friends. "Dinner at our place, seven o'clock. Don't be late!"

They all smiled back at him, even Cho. As Jane left the bullpen, he heard Cho say, "That's gonna be one scary kid."

Grace laughed. "You have no idea, Cho."

Jane pushed open the door to Lisbon's office and glanced around for incoming missiles. But she was bent over her paperwork, choosing to ignore him instead. He contemplated doing a little soft shoe routine, but decided to settle for a dramatic backwards leap onto the couch, facing her. He could see that she felt his smug grin from across the room but was making a valiant attempt to ignore it.

Normally, he would enjoy a little nap at this point, but his role of excited father-to-be called for something entirely different. "I think it would be appropriate for us to leave early for a strategy session."

"Oh? Pregnancy requires a strategy session?" she said tartly.

"Ours does. And everyone understands that," he pointed out. Then he added reflectively, "And they all do, to an extent. There's so much to decide. Which preschool waiting lists should we get on? Do we want to know the gender or be surprised? What theme shall we go with for the nursery? How far apart are we on potential names?"

"Victoria," Lisbon said, then looked surprised that she'd spoken aloud.

"Victoria Jane?" Jane mulled it over. "Hm. I like it. As long as you don't want Victor for a boy."

"No. But I want something traditional."

"But not named after anybody," Jane guessed. She nodded, biting her lip before going back to her paperwork.

Ah. Grace's happiness had affected her more than he'd anticipated. Perhaps it was the contrast between that and the disappointment she wouldn't admit to feeling every time the tests came out negative. And Lisbon was terribly competitive, after all.

He should do something to cheer her up. Coffee was now out of the question, of course. He found himself at a bit of a loss, and it was very early days yet. "What would you like for a push present?"

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "It's ridiculous to bribe me into something completely involuntary, Jane. After waddling around for months, I'm sure I'll be all too glad to get it out of me."

"Not 'it,' Teresa, please," he said, pained.

"We don't know the gender, so I can't use the correct pronoun," she pointed out.

"We could think of a fetus name," he grinned. "Like Tadpole."

A wadded up ball of paper bounced off his nose. "Go annoy someone else. Shouldn't you be strutting around like you invented the very idea of pregnancy?"

"My darling wife, I do not strut," he protested, sitting up. "But I will go enjoy myself at other people's expense until lunchtime if you prefer."

"I do prefer. And no bringing me organic vegan crap for lunch! I want a bacon cheeseburger and a chocolate shake."

"Getting a head start on the weight gain. Got it." He ducked out of the room just in time to avoid the stapler.

mmm

Mid-afternoon, Lisbon emerged from her office and snapped, "Jane, come with me."

He stopped pretending to sleep and got gracefully to his feet. "I will follow you anywhere," he declared, "but where in this specific instance?"

"To undo a great wrong," she replied, echoing his dramatic tone. Let him wonder for once.

"Ah. The estimable Rachel has agreed to work me into her busy schedule?" He rubbed a hand through his hair.

"She's dying to meet you," Lisbon said, leading the way to the elevator. She was less thrilled, since she was not immune to the impulse to chat to her hair stylist, and Jane had featured pretty prominently in the last few months. Or even years. But she had faith in Rachel's discretion and, more importantly, her skill with hair color.

Rachel was a pretty laid back person; since she was raising four kids, not much seemed to surprise her. She gave Jane a critical once-over as they were introduced, but it wasn't until Lisbon showed her a picture with his original hair color that she let out a gasp, looking again at the muddy brown curls. "Oh my God! Who did this to you? Teresa, I hope you arrested them!"

"Don't worry," Jane assured her. "The person in question will never dye again. Can you fix it?"

"Of course," she smiled. "You just leave it to me. I probably need a couple of hours, Teresa, if you want to come back."

"Thanks, but I never leave him unsupervised these days," Lisbon said. "I'm worried next time he'll come home with a tattoo."

Jane grinned. "If I do, it'll be your name. In a great big heart."

"I should make you get one that says 'If found, return to Teresa Lisbon.' Rachel, I'll just be over here." Lisbon gestured to the waiting area.

"Good," Jane said. "You shouldn't breathe whatever chemicals she'll be using. They can't be good for the baby."

Lisbon endured the hugging, the exclamations, and the questions with as much grace as she could muster, grateful beyond words when her phone rang.

mmm

Jane and Rachel got along just fine, since they had babies to talk about. Lisbon spent her time trying to get some work done, talking on the phone or emailing. Jane was the best actor she'd ever known, so there was really no need to think about how happy he seemed, or take him seriously when he admitted to wanting a boy. But she couldn't help wondering if he really could be happy with just her. Once Red John was out of the picture, they would try for a baby, she decided. She wanted to see him this happy and know it was real. She just hoped she would be as happy as Van Pelt was.

And there was a nice little nightmare. Lisbon wouldn't be able to ignore her agents' rekindled romance forever. She desperately hoped they would make plans before she had to get involved, but her heart ached when she wondered which of them she would lose. And finding a new team member who could put up with Jane and whom they could be absolutely sure wasn't a Red John plant would be next to impossible. Just thinking about it gave her a headache, and she closed her eyes.

"Hey," Jane's voice roused her out of her half-doze. "Wake up, sleepyhead."

She opened her eyes and smiled. Rachel might have made him a little blonder than before, but she had no objection to that. "You're done?"

"I paid the bill and everything. Let's go. We're having guests tonight, and I want to cook you the dinner of a lifetime." He gave her the blinding smile. It really did work much better with the blond hair, she realized. Maybe she shouldn't have been so quick to undo the dye job. But no, she had needed to erase all traces of Lorelei from him, for her own piece of mind.

Van Pelt met them at the apartment under the pretext of bringing some files, but she was bursting with the need to talk. Lisbon could only imagine what it must be like to have to keep such a huge secret from her lover, while they were in the same room. It wasn't something she would have to deal with, since Jane was sure he'd know before she did. He might even be right. She'd had no idea about Van Pelt, who apparently hadn't either.

"When Rigsby gets here, you can use the den," Lisbon said after they finished the sweep.

"Thanks. You won't tell Cho, will you? I want to see his face," Van Pelt said.

"We won't tell him, then. Grace, I know this is a sacrifice, and I appreciate it."

"It's too early to tell anybody yet anyway. Even my family. But we can't keep this up for very long." She frowned. "Does Jane really think this will smoke out Red John?"

"That's the hope." Lisbon paused, then said, "In the field, we stay together, and under no circumstances are you to go anywhere near the line of fire. We won't risk you getting hurt. Or giving Rigsby a heart attack. Understood?"

"Of course, Boss."

"And I don't officially know about this. But I expect you two to decide how you want to handle it when it isn't a secret anymore."

"Right." Van Pelt looked sad for a moment, then smiled again. "I don't think two parents should be on the same team anyway, even if we could get away with it. Don't worry, Boss; we'll figure it out before you get in trouble for it."

"That's not what I'm worried about," Lisbon assured her.

When Cho and Rigsby arrived, Lisbon distracted Cho by demanding a report on their latest case while Van Pelt dragged Rigsby into the den and closed the door. Jane wandered out of the kitchen, wearing an apron with interesting splatters, and waited with ill-concealed glee.

When Cho finished his report, he turned in his chair to look at Jane. "So what's next? You wouldn't have made sure everyone knows unless you have a plan. You running?"

"No," Lisbon said, as Jane said, "Yes."

Cho looked from one to the other, then said, "You should."

Jane nodded. "And we want him to think we're planning to, soon. We have to push him into action before he has time to think about it too much."

"Who says he hasn't already? He's been telling you to have a baby since your wedding. He's had tons of time to think."

"That was before he became obsessed with Lisbon. His old plan was to kill her. That's not on the table anymore. Now he wants her alive, which is much harder. " Jane took a seat on the sofa beside Lisbon. "And taking care of a pregnant woman requires specific arrangements."

"What if he doesn't want her until after she has the baby?"

"No, he'll want her as soon as possible. He won't take the chance that the baby will bring us closer. He'll want to go through all those firsts with her, not watch me do it."

Lisbon suppressed a shudder. "So you think he'll want to kidnap me and hold me until the birth? That long? With me trying to escape every day?"

"He might wait a little while, but not long," Jane predicted. "And you wouldn't risk the baby to escape. He'll use that. And of course he'll be working on you the whole time. He knows you're susceptible to charm, after all."

She scowled at him, but he was making sense. She was fiercely grateful she wasn't pregnant. If she found herself in Red John's hands, that would be her biggest advantage.

Rigsby and Van Pelt emerged, glowing, rumpled, and holding hands. "We're pregnant!" they chorused.

Cho folded his arms. "I figured."

Van Pelt and Jane looked skeptical, while Rigsby was crestfallen and Lisbon amused. Cho said, "Come on. If Lisbon was really pregnant, we'd never know. You'd just disappear. And Van Pelt is way too excited to just be a godmother."

"Just for that," Van Pelt grinned, "we'll make Jane the godfather instead of you."

"Good. Let him buy the expensive presents," Cho said, but the smile tugging at his mouth was obvious.

"I accept," Jane said. "After all, I am partly responsible."

"I beg your pardon?" Rigsby demanded.

"Obviously I lifted one too many condoms out of your pocket," Jane explained. "I take it Grace has explained the plan?"

"Yeah, but do you think it will really work? I mean, what doctor is going to go along with this?" Rigsby wondered.

"You leave that to me," Lisbon said. She had already pondered the story she would tell her doctor. She tried not to think of the mess of deception and downright fraud her life was about to become. But really, she'd known that was inevitable when she'd married Jane. Maybe even before that.

"Now," Jane said, "we enjoy our celebratory dinner. Then we'll talk about how we leave an irresistible opening for Red John, something he'll never suspect is a trap." He grinned. "And baby names."

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to little Victoria Jane [last name redacted], who is the star of my email inbox, as well as having an irresistible name!