Alec thought Jace might've said something to the fact that he, Alec, had been 5 minutes late for training the day he went to see Magnus, but he didn't. He thought Jace might've questioned him about it when they'd finished, but he didn't. The golden haired shadowhunter said nothing. Absolutely nothing. That disturbed Alec more than if Jace had confronted him about his incongruous tardiness. I bet he was too busy pining over Clary again, he thought, a little bitterly.
Alec was positive that Jace knew where he had been and what he'd been up to, even though it was nothing of interest to Jace nor any of his business. As he'd entered the stiflingly hot training centre after his rendezvous with Magnus, Jace had looked at him, with his probing golden eyes, as if looking straight through him. Alec was paranoid that he could read everything on his mind from just a simple glance at his face, paranoid that his thoughts were flashing across his features like a slideshow. He'd therefore dutifully avoided eye contact with Jace throughout there training, only subjecting to it when absolutely necessary. Then as Jace had left before him - Alec always insisting on doing the cleaning up – he'd paused by the door, looked back at Alec and stared at him like he was seeing him for the first time. He looked a little bewildered with a dash of surprise and a sprig of understanding. Formerly, Jace had turned and left, leaving a very confused Alec to try and interpret his parabatai's current train of thought.
He had concluded as soon as he left Magnus's house that he liked him, at least in some way. He just wasn't sure how strong those feelings might be but there was no other explanation to 1) why he went there in the first place, 2) why he had felt something when they touched, even in the smallest of gestures and 3) why he found the elusive warlock awfully attractive. He also found that he would visit Magnus again; he wanted to try and sort out his feelings for the warlock and get the situation under control, to make sense of it in his own mind and to talk it out.
However, he was seriously terrified that Magnus didn't return his feelings; Alec had to know for sure that the feelings were reimbursed before he declared his undying love for the warlock. He was as inexperienced as they came when it came to relationships and feelings and all that malarkey. It didn't help that Isabelle kept dropping cryptic judgments about what she thought of the whole affair. Isabelle has known about Alec's sexuality from a young age, being the only person who had known for as long as he could remember (before Clary came along of course). That may have been one of the reasons for how close the two siblings were.
When Alec had first discovered he was different from most other guys, he'd been a wreck, an absolute shambles and too young to fully understand what it meant. Being brought up in a world where being gay was frowned upon, to suddenly discover you were attaining said obscenity was horrifying. He hadn't spoken to anyone for days, only eating and drinking when his body made him. He'd walked around dead eyed and docile, not quite knowing what to do with himself. Isabelle had thought it was just a phase, she didn't know about his sexuality at the time. Eventually it had gotten so bad that she'd confronted him about it, demanding to know why he was walking around looking like a Forsaken. As soon as he saw the deep worry in her eyes he'd broken down, just fallen to his knees and sobbed uncontrollably in Isabelle's arms. They'd remained like that for a while, Isabelle waiting patiently for Alec to cry himself out, Alec clutching Isabelle with all his might, like she was his final life line, his only attachment to reality. In due course, Alec had stopped crying, disentangled himself from Isabelle's arms and just sat there. He'd taken a deep breath and told her everything, all the gritty little details and waited for the sympathy lining her features to morph into revulsion, but none ever appeared there. She'd just sat there and listened until Alec had calmed himself down and got everything out. Then she'd told him in not so simple terms that he was an idiot and did he really think she'd abandon him over something to which he held no control. He'd been so relieved that he'd just hugged her, nearly crying again with relief, he had needed the reassurance she had given him to finally come to terms with his sexuality, one piece at a time.
Since then Isabelle and him had been virtually joined at the hip. Ever since that day, when Alec had divulged his deepest secret, given Isabelle enough trust to drown her with, something had changed between them. Izzy hadn't judged him for how he was, or shown any form of distaste towards his gender preferences, and Alec couldn't have asked anything more from his sister. He had felt a sudden respect towards her, a sudden wave of gratitude at how understanding she'd been when others would've disowned him or worse.
All these thoughts ran through his head as he made his way to his bedroom in the Institute after training with Jace. He was in desperate need of a shower; he was covered in sweat from training and probably stunk like a sewer rat.
He rounded the last corner between himself and his bedroom and almost threw himself onto his bed. Then, moving because he realized he was probably making his sheets stink too, grabbed a towel and headed to the bathroom. He stepped in the shower, turned the steady water stream on and stood there, reveling in the feeling of the mild water washing away all the sweat and grit from his body. Grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his waist when he was done, he entered his room to Isabelle sitting elegantly on the edge of his bed.
"Izzy?" He asked a little bewildered. He was suddenly conscious of that fact that the only thing between him and complete nudity was the measly towel slung across his waist, he clung to it, and making sure it wouldn't fall.
"Hello, dear brother." Isabelle said, moving so she was standing in front of Alec. "I need to talk to you."
Noting her serious expression he sobered up a little. "Iz, what's wrong?"
"Maybe you should put some clothes on first," indicating his bare torso with a flourish of her hand.
"Come on, Iz, you've seen me in less than this. We used to bathe together when we were little," he said, trying to make her crack a smile. She just stared at him, well she's not in a good mood, he thought. After a moment he said, "Alright then," then proceeded to pick up some random pyjamas, head into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
He emerged a few minutes later, minus the towel, with the edition of multiple pieces of clothing that did not go together in the slightest. Magnus would not be happy, neither would Izzy if she was in a better mood, but he'd enver cared about fashion, therefore he was not ashamed of the mismatched pyjamas he found himself in. Alec grabbed a wooden chair from by the desk in his room and dragged it next to the bed, placing it in front of his sister. He waited for her to say something. Finally she did.
"Alec," she began, pausing after she said his name.
"Yes?" He prompted when she gave no sign of continuing with the sentence.
"I need to talk to you," she said, looking him straight in the eye, she looked confused.
"I'm all ears," he said, sitting patiently with his hands clasped his in lap.
"I'm just going to be blunt about this," she paused again, as if she was anxious about what she was about to say.
"Isabelle, spit it out, the anticipation is killing me," he said, trying to get her to finish her damn sentence.
She took a deep breath, as if anticipating Alec to shout at her afterwards, "Do you like Magnus?"
Confusion flitted across Alec's face, then a hint of secrecy. He didn't want to divulge everything to Isabelle until he'd figured everything out for himself, but he couldn't lie to her, he knew that as well as she did.
"Er, yeah I guess. He seems… nice, y'know, for a downworlder," Alec felt a twinge of guilt when calling Magnus a downworlder, like he was just some random warlock or something.
"Alec, don't play stupid, you know what I mean," she said, irritation lining her tone. "I mean, do you like like him."
He had no idea how to answer that question. He knew he definitely liked Magnus in some form. Maybe he held strong feelings for the warlock, and maybe he was just throwing himself at the closest gay man he could find. Even as he thought it he knew it wasn't true, he liked Magnus, even if he didn't want to admit it. So the key to handling an awkward situation was to remain evasive.
"I don't know," was all he said. He could tell that Isabelle didn't believe him at all.
"Alec, this is me you're talking to. I think you do, but you're afraid to admit it," she said with certainty. She crossed her arms loosely across her chest and stared at Alec, waiting for an answer.
He looked at her for about an eight of a second before averting his eyes, unable to look in her eyes and blatantly lie to her. "You know you can't lie to me, Alec. It's me. You can tell me anything, you dolt, you know you can."
He knew he couldn't lie to her, so sucking up his courage he planned to admit it (well maybe not all of it). "I know, Iz. Alright, yes I think I might do."
"Aw, Alec," she said, taking both of his hands in her own. "I knew you did," she grinned at him.
The sides of his mouth switched, an almost smile. "Sure you did."
"I am very good at reading you, ya see," she grinned again. A serious expression took its place upon her features. "So, what are you going to do about it?"
That made Alec think, what am I going to do about it? He knew the obvious, he certainly liked Magnus, but that didn't help him decide what to do about it.
"I don't know," he said with as much honesty as he could squeeze into one miniscule sentence. "What do you think I should do?"
She pondered that question for a moment. "I think you should confront him about it. I know you're afraid to admit it to him of all people but you have to grow some balls to get anywhere in life." Well that was blunt.
"You know I can't do that until I know if he likes me back!" Alec cried, horrified just thinking about all the possible outcomes.
She sighed with impatience. "Are you blind? Of course he does, he was bloody flirting with you at his party! I know you're afraid of rejection but that won't happen. Of course he likes you, you idiot."
Alec let that sink in. It might explain the flirtatious manner he sometimes used with Alec, but he didn't want to get his hopes up. False hope isn't great for the insecure. He knew he couldn't handle the rejection, it would completely shatter any confidence he may have gained, no matter how minimal it might have been. "I don't know, Iz," he mumbled.
"There must be something else making you wimp out," she declared, talking more to herself than him. She seemed to be deep in thought for a few seconds before realization dawned on her face. "Oh," the sympathy was obvious in every crevice of her face. "Oh, Alec. You can't let that infatuation hold you back."
Alec's face paled. He knew exactly whom she meant. That had also been a strong worry of Alec's, what if he was now repulsed by him if he discovered the truth? Even if he did tell Magnus he couldn't keep it a secret, not from Jace, his parabatai, surely there were laws against it. Sensing Izzy's probing eyes searching his expression, he looked down, trying to shield the whirlwind of emotions he could feel his face morphing into. He could feel her tracing circles soothingly ob their entwined hands.
They sat in silence for a minute or two, when she did speak again her voice softened dramatically, like consoling a hurt 5 year old. "I know you're afraid of the impact it will have on everyone else, like our parents and… Jace, but you can't let that stop you."
"I know, but I don't want to have to face their disapproval, not yet at least," he said, his head still hung slightly.
Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Then don't." The way she accentuated the 'don't' made it sound so easy, so obvious, it made Alec chuckle under his breath. The tension in the air seemed to decrease a fraction at the noise.
It would be so easy, so easy to see Magnus in secret, with only Izzy knowing anything about it. Just like with his other secret, it was no different than that really. He wouldn't be lying either, just leaving out certain aspects of the truth. And he could do it, to spare having to see the disappointment in his parents – particularly his fathers – eyes every time he saw them, to avoid it all in order to keep life as it was right now – normal, or as normal as life for a shadowhunter could be.
"I suppose…" he started, finally looking up at Izzy, his voice now clearer than a mumble. "I suppose I could tell him, Magnus that is, without having to tell… our family," he was careful not to single Jace out.
"That's the spirit!" She beamed, a huge smile plastered on her face, Alec grinned the tiniest division, even if he didn't really want to. "Now," her expression sobering slightly, "you have to tell him before you lose your nerve. I'd say go tonight but he might not be in the greatest of moods if you woke him up. Therefore I say you go tomorrow." She grinned again, just to show her enthusiasm.
Alec's heart beat quickened, thinking about confronting the warlock so soon. Isabelle was right though, he had to do it soon or he'd lose his nerve and never do it and never be happy and just, yeah. I have to do this. He knew he couldn't keep it a secret from his family forever but he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.
"Okay, Iz," he looked her right in the eye, trying to convey how serious he was being. "But you have to promise me that this won't ever be repeated. You can't tell mum or dad or Jace or Max or Clary or anyone. Please. At least until I'm ready. Swear to me."
She didn't even hesitate, "I swear," she looked rather excited. "So, tomorrow? I'll cover for you."
Even if his palms grew sweaty just thinking about it Alec couldn't deny he was at least a little excited. "Okay, okay fine. I'll go see him tomorrow."
"Good," she beamed, "because I would have been forced to use some form of violence if you didn't cooperate with me." Her grin widened. Alec let out a chuckle; he didn't doubt that she would.
"Thanks, Iz, for everything," he smiled at her.
"It's what I'm here for, big brother," she stood, pulled Alec up by their still connected hands, stood and hugged him.
They stayed like that for a minute. Thinking he had to break the silence Alec said, "But if you do for some unknown reason decide to reveal certain forbidden pieces of information about me I will go all kind of shit crazy on your ass," he pulled back so he could see her face, pointing a menacing finger in her face, "You have been warned."
Isabelle simply rolled her eyes at him and laughed. "Right," she said, dropping her arms from around Alec and taking a minute step back, "I'll let you get some beauty sleep, big day tomorrow and all that," she headed towards the door, winked at him and left with a cheeky 'Night, Ally-boo' thrown over her rune covered shoulder.
That left Alec all alone in his room, donning mismatched pyjamas, standing next to a wooden chair that was out of its place, a mussed up quilt where Izzy had previously been sitting, an open window that he hadn't been aware of being open letting in a breeze that he also hadn't noticed and all Alec cared about was the warlock he was going to see tomorrow. So as Alec finally moved the chair back to his desk, closed the window on the night, rearranged his quilt so it didn't look like it'd been trampled by a horde of angry Ravener demons anymore and manoeuvred himself under the sheets, he closed his eyes and let sleep take him in its firm grasp and pull him into the depths of unconsciousness, a smile still lingering on his face, and all the while thoughts of said warlock remained in his mind like he had never left at all.