Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. Maki Murakami does.

Prompt: "I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know. I promise I didn't know." Ryuichi grieves. Character death.

Ties into entry 9 - Poor, Sweet Innocent Thing.

Rating: T for character death, implied suicide.

Grieve the Closed Eyes

I don't think I can wait much longer.

There's something wrong about my impatience, I know. Or wrong with me, maybe. I know, or I think I do. It's wrong, regardless.

Maybe.

It's cold, because it's snowing. I usually like the snow -- it's soft, powdery pieces balled up in my hands, freezing and wet but so gentle against my skin. A great companion to play with, as kind and moldable as I try to be, always there in the colder months, pure in its whiteness, always there to catch me when I fall. Like it's falling now.

But I don't catch it. Not now.

I don't I can wait much longer, standing here so far back. So far away.

Eyeing the two bowed pretty blond heads, the shorter one taller this time. I watch a familiar pale hand sooth a tense, dark back.

And I fidget.

Have you ever been surrounded by every comfort you've ever known, and still felt sick? Not philosophically sick, or bored sick, but so sick you wish your insides would just disappear, and that the world would just split open and you'd fall down the crack? So sick you just want to curl into a ball on the ground and plead for death because it's just too terrible -- to much to handle? I'm past that, I think. I feel so sick that I don't feel anything at. Nothing but an intense shivering pain that makes me just want to be cold. Really, really cold.

I hate feeling like this. I want to smile again, and laugh, and make that hurt go away with sparkling words. But nothing's sparkling.

I really don't think I can wait any longer.

It's so empty here, empty like I feel now. There's footsteps in the snow, slowly filling up, though it's so empty. Three sets, maybe four. I don't remember, and besides, they're gone. Here, the snow isn't dancing while it falls, and it doesn't hold that gentle playfulness I like about it. It's freezing against my fingers, on my face, against my hair. Stinging me, biting me, making me regret its very existence..

It's mean, like everything else here. Really, really mean like everything else.

Almost everything else.

I hate mean, but I'm really done waiting.

But the pretty blond heads lift just as I take my first step forward, the dark bodies turning to me, one set of eyes lowered and unreadable, the other staring at me intently. Same old eyes, same old expression. The pretty ones walk by me.

"Please don't be long, Ryuichi," that same old voice whispers as they do. "It's very cold out here."

And their footsteps start to disappear too. I wonder if they were even here, even as I step backwards in them to go to where they were. And I bow my head, too, even though it's not blond. Kuma is in my arms, and he shifts just enough so that I remember he's there. Which is nice, because I forgot.

I'm so sorry, pretty little baby. I knew something was wrong. You were different, so different. I knew something was wrong, and still... I didn't...

"I didn't know." The words leave my mouth as I stare at the snow-covered spot you lay in. Maybe it will be better if I say this out loud. I want you to hear me. "I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know. I promise I didn't know."

You didn't tell me. So much time from when it happened, and you didn't tell me. Tell anyone. But it's not your fault. I wouldn't ever blame you -- I don't blame you. I prided myself in knowing you, more than I thought others did. I should have seen it.

"I brought Kuma for you. He wanted to stay for a while -- Touma didn't tell him he couldn't, so he's going to stay ... for the both of us. And for Eiri, too." For some reason, I have to swallow. "Touma is taking him home, or he'd be here still. He wants to stay with you, like I do. So Kuma is going to do it for all three of us. Is that okay with you?"

Kuma liked you the moment he laid eyes on you -- he told me. And I know you liked him, too. Your eyes always shone when you saw him. So I think it's okay.

"Pretty baby." You always blushed when I called you that. I hope you don't mind it now. "Sparkly Shuichi. I'm sorry I yelled at you, when I found out you left. I didn't mean to say all of the things I did -- I don't hate you. I miss you. Forgive me, please."

I don't blame you for what you did, leaving us like that. I would have done the same, I think. Being angry at you would just be selfish. I just want you to be happy, and I think you are now.

I hope you are.

I set Kuma down on the ground, a stark contrast of brilliant pink against the cold white snow, against the marbled overcast headstone.

I don't think I can wait much longer. Touma will get mad, he says I'm sick enough. And even if I wasn't ... I can't ... stay here with you, Shuichi, and not hear your voice.

So I turn away. And I don't look back to see if I can see my footsteps, either. I want to remember I've been there.

I hate crying in the cold.

In the end, maybe I just wanted a reaction piece. That, and I really needed an entry to seperate that previous one and the giant Yuki/Shuichi one coming next. I can't actually decide if I'm really pleased with it ...

I feel like I've written something like this before, but at the same time, that I haven't. What do you think? I know Ryuichi would have had a stronger reaction to Shuichi's suicide, but this is post that reaction.

Please let me know what you thought. :) Does it work?