Title: My Heart Cries for you
Author: Trista Groulx aka dustytiger
ating: T (same as the show)
Disclaimer: I am remain poor and don't own NCIS it belongs to it's creator, network, writers, actors and actresses who bring it to life weekly.
Summary: Tony is diagnosed with leukemia and needs to rely on his family for support.
Notes: The baby talk, but... you'll see. Okay I lied, again it's going to be 35 parts plus the epilogue. This is one of the parts I added on the fly. Oh and I'm a little bit evil. Let me know if you're still reading this one guy.

Tony was curled up under a blanket with Ziva watching a movie. He had taken it upon himself to share some of his favourites with her when they had time. She seemed to be enjoying their somewhat regular movie nights, although sometimes she would pull out a book as he watched a particular movie that didn't hold her attention, just happy to be curled up with her husband, not looking for more. That night she was watching the movie he'd chosen, but he noticed she seemed to be distant.

"Hey, Zi, what's on your mind?" he asked as the credits began.

"I am not sure if I am ready to share," she told him honestly.

"You know you can tell me anything."

"I know, when we visited your father he said something about grandchildren you said we'd talk about it."

"We will."

"When?"

"You seem to want to do this now so I guess we're gonna talk."

He could tell she wanted to talk about it, and he knew he probably wouldn't be able to stall the conversation much longer. He took her hand but she pulled it away from him. He started at the floor, trying to find the words he needed to tell her. His mind was racing trying to figure out what he thought about this, but he couldn't sort out what he really felt.

"And you do not Tony," she told him.

"I never said that," he retorted.

"You do not have to."

He sighed loudly, he knew they would eventually have to have this conversation with her, but it didn't make him feel any less uneasy about it. He wasn't sure what he should tell her what he felt about having kids. It wasn't something he'd ever really thought about much. He had a feeling he already knew what she wanted, and was worried everything would change between them if he told her how he felt. He ran his fingers through her hair, but she pulled away from him again.

"Tony, are you avoiding this because it is something you do not want?" she asked.

"Ziva," he sighed. "I've never been around kids much before Palmer adopted Celeste, but they terrify me honestly. They're always sticky, and a little smelly. I guess if it was my own kid I'd feel different but honestly Ziva I don't know if it's something that I want."

"I should not be surprised."

"I'm trying to be honest with you. It's not something that's come up before."

"I find that hard to believe."

She knew a lot about his history with women. She knew he had in fact had a few serious relationships that had all failed for some reason or another. She was also sure that at some point in his life one of the women he had been with would have told him she might have found herself pregnant. She had had the discussion with a few men in her own past, and found it hard to believe he had never talked about it before. She didn't want to force him into wanting something he didn't but she wanted him to be honest with her.

"You know my past, I haven't had that many serious relationships. When I was engaged to Wendy she told me she never wanted kids. Maybe that meant she didn't want them with me, I never asked her, but she adamant she never wanted kids when we were together."

"What do you want?" she asked.

"I don't know."

"That is not an answer!" she snapped.

"If you're going to force my hand right now I'm going to have to say no because it's all I've got."

"Then you have made up your mind," she growled.

She felt like she'd been slapped in the face. Had he not realised that she wanted to be a mother before everything had happened? It was something she always knew she wanted, and now finding out that it may no longer be an option hurt. He made her happy, and she knew he would continue to do so but there was a part of her that she knew would always want more if they decided children were not a part of their future.

"You're mad at me?" he asked.

"Yes I am!"

"I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you Ziva! Right now I don't want kids. Things are good between us and I don't want to change that."

"I am not saying it will happen tomorrow, I am just wondering if it could happen."

"I don't know," he sighed. "That's my answer, I have no idea if I want kids because I haven't thought about it before."

"I think it would be best if you stayed down here tonight."

"I think you're right."

She stormed up the stairs, and he sat there stunned. He'd been honest with her but he understood why she was upset. He then pulled out the couch bed, and found the sheets for it. He knew he should talk to her, but he wasn't going to lie to her in order to get on her good side. He needed to think about this, and figure out what he actually wanted. He knew now what she wanted, and hoped he could find a way to want the same thing.

He had never been around children much before and that's what scared him. He hadn't had a good example of how to be a father, and although he was sure that Ziva would make a great mother he didn't know how he would do. He didn't want to be the reason their child ended up screwed up like so many criminals he'd seen in his career. He laid in the bed, wide awake, his mind racing, hating not having Ziva next to him. He tried to figure out what it was he really wanted in the future, and hoped that he could explain what he was feeling when they were ready to talk about it again. He hoped he would get some sleep because he had something planned for the next day he would need energy for.

Notes: Okay, so this isn't how anyone wanted this talk to pan out. There's a couple parts before Tony gives her a solid answer. Just so you know. I added this one cause I realised I'd missed something. Reviews are a little down the last couple of parts let me know what you're thinking as this fic nears the finish line.