The face of lost Pride

Sun filtered through the blinds warming up the hospital room. Makoto scrunched his nose and slowly opened his eyes with a groan. He had been in the hospital for a few days now and he had been getting sick of it. Haruka and Rin always visited him when they could but Makoto found himself worrying when they weren't with him. One look at his hands and Makoto would feel his entire body clench with fear and worry. Makoto had always considered his hands to be one of the most beautiful parts of his body. Long and strong fingers complemented the large hands that he came to love so much. When he looked at them now, they looked nothing like they had before. He still had a few blisters here and there and several small scars could be seen on his fingers. The blisters were still covered with gauze but the scars would taunt him every single time. Makoto would always become even more depressed when he thought of how his shoulders looked. They didn't have any blisters but he had a rather large scar on his right shoulder blade. He couldn't see it but he knew it was there and it frightened him. Neither Haruka nor Rin had seen how his hands and shoulders looked and Makoto was afraid they wouldn't want him anymore…

Makoto didn't like his body when he was smaller because being tall meant that you were also a bit slumped and unsteady. However, as time passed and his body shaped into what it was now, he could only feel proud. His pride was nowhere to be found when Makoto looked at his damaged skin now. He felt utterly hideous and every time Haruka and Rin came to visit him, he would hide his hands under his blankets and he would keep them there, no matter how many times Haruka asked to see them. The doctor had assured him that his hands would only have minimal scarring and that he just needed time to heal but Makoto didn't believe him. He would stay like this forever and he would never ever use his hands to touch Haruka or Rin again.

Makoto was allowed to go home later today but a part of him didn't want to go. How would he keep his hands hidden from his lovers? Dread filled Makoto and he groaned miserably, turning in the hospital bed and hugging his knees to his chest, soft sobs escaping from his throat.

"Makoto?" a soft voice spoke and Makoto immediately tensed as he recognised the voice. The olive-haired male was slightly confused given that it wasn't time for visitors just yet and normally, the hospital had very strict rules on that. Makoto didn't turn around to face Rin, he didn't want Rin to see him like this. His cheeks felt like they were on fire and his eyes were wet from the few tears that had escaped.

"Makoto?" Rin asked again, walking towards the bed. The redhead wondered why Makoto didn't answer because Rin could obviously tell the boy was awake.

Makoto kept his eyes clenched shut because he didn't want to face Rin now. He wanted to be left alone with his misery because as soon as Rin really saw how he looked, he would back away and Makoto would lose him forever. Neither of them knew what kind of relationship they had but they all knew they were closer than ever.

"Why won't you look at me?" Rin asked as he placed a hand on Makoto's right shoulder and the boy tensed even more. What if Rin could feel the scar on his shoulder? Makoto was going insane with doubt and he wanted to push Rin away but that would require his hands and those were even worse. Makoto wanted to scream, cry and hide and never turn up again. He was repulsive and he didn't understand why Haruka and Rin didn't just leave him alone.

"Just leave me…" Makoto whispered softly, still keeping his eyes closed, wishing that someone would take him away. Makoto didn't want to be rejected and to him, it seemed easier if he was the one to push Haruka and Rin away.

"Why would I do that? I came to pick you up to go home, the doctor called and you can go home even sooner, isn't that great?" Rin replied happily and Makoto could simply hear the joy in Rin's voice. It warmed Makoto's heart but at the same time, it also made him feel cold because that joy would disappear as soon as…

"Makoto! Open your eyes already! I don't like talking to the walls!" Rin shook Makoto a little and the olive-haired male finally let his eyes flutter open. He didn't dare to look at Rin and an annoyed sigh escaped from Rin's lips.

"What's wrong with you today?" Rin asked softly as he took a seat on the bed, letting his hand rub over Makoto's back soothingly.

"Nothing," Makoto replied softly, finally looking into those warm and loving crimson eyes. The love won't be there forever…

"Don't bullshit me Makoto," Rin huffed and he tilted Makoto's chin to gaze into those pools of emerald even more, hoping he would see some kind of answer in them. Unfortunately, Rin wasn't a pro at reading someone and all he could see was sadness in Makoto's eyes. Rin didn't understand why Makoto was sad given he could finally go home and then they would be reunited again, trying to cope with the tragedy that happened a few days ago.

"Just…uhm… scared I guess," Makoto whispered softly, trying to break away from Rin's gaze but the redhead wouldn't let him.

"Why?" Rin asked, clearly not realising that his presence was scaring Makoto even more. Makoto's mind was filled with doubt and fear but Rin didn't notice, he was far too happy to finally bring Makoto home again.

"It's complicated…" Makoto muttered and with a final sigh, Rin gave up. He figured Makoto would go back to normal as soon as they stepped outside of the hospital. Being in a hospital can really get under your skin and Rin hoped that Makoto would snap out of whatever that was holding him down.

"Why don't you get dressed and then I will pack up all of your stuff and then we'll go to Haru's, he's waiting for us," Rin mused and Makoto nodded. Please don't hate me…

Rin hopped off the bed and turned his attention to the clothes in the closet. Makoto quietly slipped from the bed and darted to the bathroom, hoping that Rin didn't see his hands. Makoto ignored the mirror as he quickly washed up carefully like the doctor had shown him and then proceeding to get dressed. He slipped on a pair of thin black gloves that he had to wear for a few days. Makoto didn't need to wear them anymore but he felt better while wearing them, at least it'll keep his hands out of sight.

Perhaps I should let them go…

When Rin opened the door to Haruka's house, they were soon greeted by a soft smile that curled Haruka's lips. Makoto was instantly engulfed in a warm hug and Makoto couldn't help but close his eyes and enjoy this peaceful moment. No matter how much he hated himself right now, Makoto still loved Haruka more than anything in the world. Haruka's scent alone was enough to make Makoto feel that he was home, home in the arms that held him so tightly and lovingly.

"Shall we watch a movie?" Rin suggested and Haruka and Makoto complied with a soft nod. They all shuffled into the living room and soon Makoto was contently sighing as he was sprawled on top of the couch. Makoto lay against Rin's chest while Haruka was seated in Makoto's lap, his head resting against Makoto's shoulder. The movie wasn't able to capture Makoto's attention for long because the warmth of Rin and Haruka was enough to make him fall asleep.

"Hey Haru," Rin said softly, afraid to wake Makoto up.

"Yeah?"

"I think something is wrong with Makoto," Rin replied and Haruka tilted his head to look at Rin. Haruka couldn't help but gaze at Makoto first, studying the sleeping face of his boyfriend. Makoto seemed just fine to Haruka and the raven-haired male wondered what Rin could be talking about.

"He looked so sad in the hospital this morning," Rin added, hoping that Haruka could figure out what was wrong.

"Really?" Haruka asked, not quite believing Rin. It was hard to imagine the last time Makoto had really been sad given how masterful he was at hiding sadness.

"Yeah, perhaps he's nervous or something?" Rin replied, wishing Haruka and he weren't as clueless right now. It wasn't always hard to figure out how Makoto felt but now it seemed like a puzzle that didn't really have an answer.

"Hey Rin, have you seen Makoto's hands since the accident?" Haruka asked, while looking down at the gloved hands. Haruka had never thought of it before but now it seemed weird. It had been days since Haruka saw those slightly tanned and utterly beautiful hands.

"Now that you mention it, no," Rin added, shaking his head in confusion, he wasn't really getting what Haruka was hinting at.

Haruka furrowed his brows and then he took one of Makoto's hands in his own. Slowly but surely, Haruka started peeling off the black little glove. A startled cry made Haruka flinch and draw back a little. Makoto was wide awake and he looked at Haruka with wide and pained eyes.

"What's wrong?" Haruka asked, wondering how Makoto was able to look so pained. Haruka didn't think he had done something so painful that it would make Makoto look so hurt.

"Don't touch me," Makoto whispered, clutching both hands to his chest, afraid that Haruka would try to take away the gloves again.

"Why not?" Haruka asked and Makoto slipped of the couch, looking at the floor.

"Just don't, I'm not… I'm not how I was before!" Makoto yelled and he ran upstairs, leaving two very confused boys behind.

Haruka and Rin looked at each other but neither of them spoke. They didn't need to because they finally realised what had been bothering Makoto for days. Haruka sighed deeply, wondering how Makoto was able to even think they didn't want him anymore. Why would they be repulsed by a few scars? It was still Makoto whether his skin was perfect or not and Haruka didn't even care about that. He loved Makoto both inside and out but it seemed like Makoto had forgotten that.

"Let's show him how perfect he is," Haruka whispered and Rin nodded, both boys standing up with a determined plan in their minds.

When the door opened, Makoto tensed, afraid that this was the moment that Haruka and Rin said their goodbyes. Why would they want to date someone with scars anyway?

"Makoto," Haruka whispered softly and Makoto tried to ignore the soft voice but he couldn't. He looked up and the first thing that made him gasp was the loving gaze he was receiving. Sapphire and ruby pools were looking at him like he was the most precious and beautiful thing in the entire world. He didn't really understand why they would look at him that way. I'm far from perfect now…

"I want to show you something," Haruka held out his hands and Makoto worried at his bottom lip. He didn't take Haruka's hands but he did stand up and he let himself be led towards the bedroom that once belonged to Haruka's parents. Makoto didn't understand why they were taking him here.

"What are you doing?" Makoto asked once they were standing in front of the large mirror. Haruka was standing in front of Makoto and Rin was standing behind him.

"Shh, just let us show you something," Rin whispered and Makoto held his breath, afraid of what was to come. What could they possibly want to show him?

"Look at yourself," Haruka demanded and Makoto's gaze shifted so that he could look at his reflection.

"See those sparkling emerald eyes, I love drowning in them," Rin's whisper made Makoto shiver as Rin's breath tickled his neck.

"Those beautiful pink lips are the most delicious treat I have ever tasted," Haruka pressed his lips softly against Makoto's and Makoto couldn't help but kiss back, his whole body longed for both boys but he couldn't possibly voice those feelings.

"My sister says your biceps are amazing and she's damn right," Rin said as he squeezed Makoto's arms lovingly, letting his hands massage softly.

Haruka's hands glided over Makoto's chest and the Makoto gasped softly

"I love what's underneath your t-shirt, and I especially love this," Haruka placed his hand over Makoto's heart and the boy couldn't help but whimper softly as a few tears spilled from his eyes.

"Stop…" Makoto whispered, he couldn't deal with this. He knew exactly what they were doing but it hurt so much. It hurt that he couldn't be who he used to be because he wasn't the same. There were things about his body that had changed and he was afraid that he could never love himself again and if he couldn't do that…

Haruka's next whisper was soft and it made Makoto shiver with love.

"Makoto, please just let us show you how perfect you are…"

This feeling's so deep inside of me, such a tender fantasy. You're the one I'm living for…

A/N: The next chapter will probably be some sweet love-making and Haruka and Rin trying their damnest to show how perfect Makoto truly is! Please let me know if that is what you would like! :) and if you want something else, you can let me know as well! ;)

Sorry for the long wait, work is slowly but surely killing me and I hardly got any free-time for myself this week :(

Hope you enjoyed!

Lots of love!