A small happiness

Makoto's eyes darted at the scene next to him and he honestly didn't know what to do. Rin had just planted his lips on Haruka's and Makoto didn't know how to feel about that. He was experiencing a wide surge of emotions and he couldn't pinpoint one of them. Was this jealousy? Was this supposed to open his eyes? Was this hatred or was it love? Makoto wanted to react to the scene any way or the other but he couldn't. What would he say anyway? Would he yell at Rin for touching Haruka? But even if he wanted to yell, did he have the right to do so? Weren't they all in the same complicated relationship in which things like these were supposed to be okay? Ever since the fire, Makoto hadn't really dwelled on it because dealing with his own feelings was trouble enough already. He had tried so hard to feel an inkling of passion and love towards Haruka but nothing had worked so far. He still loved being around Haruka but he has always loved that even before they became an item. He would probably always want to be around Haruka because there was just something that Makoto couldn't explain. It was a mixture of being safe and feeling at home and Makoto was hell-bent on experiencing that for the rest of his life. He wished he could still feel passion and love whenever he looked at Haruka but nothing happened. What he was feeling now was weird and Makoto quickly turned his head and kept on studying the dimly-lit walls of the cave that their boat was flowing through. It was peaceful and Makoto could easily tell that the kiss that Rin and Haruka shared took all but three seconds but that didn't mean that it didn't happen. Makoto wished he knew how to feel about this but it seemed that feeling anything was a true burden and nightmare now…

When the ride was over, Makoto tried his best to not look at either Rin or Haruka but he failed. He couldn't possibly ignore the rosy dust on Haruka's cheeks and the glint in Rin's eyes was unmistakable. What they experienced with their small kiss was what Makoto had wished desperately for but couldn't grasp. Something had broken inside of him and Makoto wondered if he would ever be able to repair it. Perhaps it was better to just give up and let Haruka and Rin have a decent relationship. Makoto cast his gaze towards the sky and wondered how long Haruka would tolerate him when he was acting like this. Haruka was probably getting sick of him and his stupid lack of feelings. Makoto's mood had plummeted drastically and he really wanted to go home. He felt like dragging his mum on the couch and then just let her hold him like he was still a small child that wanted comfort after scraping his knee. However, Makoto was dealing with something more than a scraped knee and he wasn't sure whether a cuddle of his mother would be enough. Perhaps a cuddle from…

Makoto shook his head, willing his silly thoughts to go away. Like he would be allowed to just march up to Haruka and press him against his chest. Makoto knew that in the past, things like these would be considered normal but were they still normal now?

"Mako-chan!" Nagisa shouted and Makoto looked up to see that his friends had already moved forward. He must look so stupid, standing still in the same place while trying to sort out how he felt. Makoto smiled a little and he let Nagisa drag him towards the next attraction, it didn't matter which one, he just hoped it was something thrilling that would make his body sing with a heart-pulsing rush instead of those deep feelings that he didn't understand.

Sometimes when I miss you, tears fall from the sky…

"Haru-chan, aren't you excited?" Nagisa beamed as they shuffled closer. They were going to tackle an attraction that made you really wet and Haruka had been itching when they had first passed the attraction. He didn't really pay attention to the screams of the people, he was too entranced by the sight of sparkling and pristine water flying everywhere, perfectly wetting the people that were sitting in the small boats. Rin and Rei had decided to skip since they didn't want to get their clothes wet but Haruka couldn't be stopped. He had dragged Nagisa and Makoto along and neither had protested. Makoto dreaded the moment of being alone with Haruka but Nagisa was still there, bouncing up and down in front of Haruka, effectively trapping the attention of the raven-haired male. Makoto heard the laughter of small children around him and it was so different from the desperate cries of suffering people in the cinema. Makoto tried to forget the cries of sorrow but every time he closed his eyes, the cries would become louder and more desperate.

A sharp tug at his hand made Makoto shake his thoughts and focus on the present. Haruka was holding his hand and Makoto blinked a few times when he looked down at their entwined fingers. It looked so natural and it was the first time since the accident that Makoto truly felt at peace with touching Haruka. The attendant made sure they got in the small yellow boats and he instructed Makoto to sit in the back since he was the tallest one. Haruka's back was firmly pressed against Makoto's chest and Nagisa was pressed against Haruka. Makoto could already hear the steady but heavy flow of water as their little boat took a ride upwards only to ride back down within a few seconds. When they reached the top of the climb, Nagisa began to squeal and Haruka gripped Nagisa's chest to brace himself. Makoto knew that Haruka wasn't exactly comfortable so Makoto held Haruka firmly pressed against his chest, arms snaking around Haruka's waist. When their boat slid downwards, water splattered everywhere, soaking the three boys until the bone. Giggles escaped from Nagisa's lips and not too long after, Haruka also began to splutter and giggle a little. Makoto craned his neck to look at Haruka's face. Small beads of water were trickling down Haruka's gorgeous face and the warm rays of the sun made his skin almost sparkle. Haruka didn't notice that Makoto was looking at him, he was too busy relishing the feeling of water against his skin, his clothes sticking in all the right places because of the water.

Haruka also didn't notice that the emotions in Makoto's eyes had changed, his eyes weren't displaying a mixture of confusion and distance anymore. They were displaying something entirely different and Makoto finally felt something familiar that he had missed whenever he looked at Haruka.

"Rei-chan! Did you see us?" Nagisa bounced towards the boy with the red frames and the boy tried to keep the blonde away but it was no use. In a matter of seconds, Rei was also dripping with water and the boy was not amused. Of course he had been looking at them when they went down the hill, splashing water everywhere.

Makoto chuckled when he saw Rei trying to escape the blonde wonder but he didn't stand a chance. It wasn't until Makoto started walking again that he noticed he was holding Haruka's hand once more. Makoto didn't know when it had happened but he didn't mind being close to Haruka anymore. He needed it and without letting his darker feelings get to him, he walked together with Haruka, following the bouncing blonde.

"I don't want to fucking do this!" Rin spluttered and he looked at Haruka for any form of comfort or perhaps a way out of this mess. They were standing in front of an attraction that made Rin feel dizzy when he tried to count how many loops the fucking thing would make. He didn't mind rollercoasters but he liked the ones that went through dark tunnels but this one didn't have one part that was covered in darkness and Rin felt sick. There was no way he would ever voluntarily go on a ride like this. He was lucky though, he didn't have to volunteer because Makoto was already dragging him along, ignoring the steady stream of curses and profanities. People were looking at them and some mother's even covered their children's ears but Makoto ignored all of that. He decided to give Haruka a break so it was Rin's turn to suffer a little bit. The redhead had kindly passed on every rollercoaster today but Makoto was determined to get him in a least one and knowing Makoto, he picked out the scariest one. Rin wished that Makoto would go back to his old and scared self but it seemed like that wouldn't happen anytime soon.

"What if I lose my shoes?" Rin's protest fell on deaf ears and Makoto just smiled while continuing down the lane. All of the sharp tugs on Makoto's hands were ignored and Rin even contemplated the idea of fake-crying but that would make him seem like a pussy and that was never a good thing.

"Makoto, please, let's go back, we can do something else," Rin tried once more but Makoto wouldn't even look at him. The redhead wondered why he had to go through this cruel punishment. Was it because he kissed Haruka earlier? Or was this karma laughing in his face? Rin honestly didn't know and he didn't even have time to think about it. There were only three people standing in front of them and that meant that it was their turn soon enough.

"Makoto, please?" Rin's last plea finally made Makoto turn his head and Makoto saw the slight fear in Rin's eyes. Normally, it would have been enough to make Makoto turn around and leave but not this time. Makoto couldn't explain why he wanted to do this with Rin and Makoto really didn't want to hurt the redhead but he needed to go on this ride with Rin. Makoto needed the rush to clear his head. The feelings that Haruka's gorgeous face had evoked made Makoto feel happy and worried at the same time. He wanted to erase everything and feel nothing but his pounding heart and his pulsing blood. Makoto blinked a few times and then turned his attention towards Rin again. Makoto wanted to calm Rin down but he didn't know how. While he was wonderful at comforting other people in the past, he felt like a total idiot when he even contemplated it now. Would he try and give Rin a hug? Or maybe a kiss? Makoto didn't really know what to do so he acted on instinct and he shuffled a bit closer, pressing his chest against Rin's. The redhead gasped and tilted his head upwards, gazing deep into those pools of emerald. Rin didn't even bother reading Makoto's eyes because he had never been able to so such a thing. Makoto inched his face closer and just when he was about to bridge the final gap between their lips, the attendant called out to them and Makoto grasped Rin's hand to lead him towards the carts. Rin scowled but he let the attendant firmly strap him in. Rin stared at his wiggling feet and he prayed that he didn't lose one of his shoes and that he would make it out alive.

"Hey Makoto, in case we don't survive, we love you…"

The carts took off at a remarkable speed but no speed would be enough to erase Rin's words. No matter how violently Makoto shook his head, no matter how many loops the attraction made, his head wouldn't stop spinning. The words danced around in his mind and Makoto could feel his heart pound and blood pulse and he desperately wished the attraction was the cause but it wasn't…

I guess I am in love as well…

Makoto was sprawled on top of his own bed. The day had brought him many rushes and he had loved each and every one of them. It was like an addiction and it was the only way to forget how he felt. Speed and adrenaline made him feel alive without having to figure out the feelings that were flowing through his body. He didn't have to understand them and he didn't even feel the need to understand. Saying goodbye to his friends hadn't been easy but saying goodbye to Haruka had been utter torture. Makoto had wanted to say a few things but every time he tried, his voice was stuck in his throat. The words were welling up but they never came out. Haruka had looked so hurt and there was nothing that Makoto could do to take away the hurt. It was Makoto who said that he wanted to sleep alone in his own house and that had nearly shattered Haruka. The raven-haired male had hoped that today had been the day that brought change in Makoto's feelings but it seemed like a hopeless cause now. Haruka would still try but if Makoto didn't even want to be near him…

Makoto sat up and wrinkled his nose. He knew he had made a mistake and he quickly slipped out of his bed, not caring that he was only wearing a pair of black shorts that hung low on his hips. He tiptoed through the hallway and left the house without anyone noticing. Makoto hoped that Haruka was still awake and he wished that he would finally be able to just be around Haruka and feel what he used to feel.

The house seemed fairly dark but Makoto could see light coming from Haruka's bedroom. Makoto quietly snuck into the house and made a dash for Haruka's bedroom. Makoto knocked on Haruka's door and the raven-haired male looked up with a surprised expression etched on his face.

"What's up?" Haruka asked softly while Makoto stepped into the room. The air was thick with tension and Makoto knew it was his fault.

"I…uhm," Makoto started while Haruka sat up, his legs dangling over the edge of the bed.

With a loud gasp, Haruka's back fell against the soft sheets of his bed. He hadn't realised what had happened, but the steady pounding of Makoto's heart against his own chest was enough to patch the pieces of the puzzle together. Makoto was sprawled half on top of Haruka, his face mere inches away from Haruka's. They were breathing in the same air and Haruka's heartbeat rose rapidly, matching Makoto's pulsing beat. Haruka remained motionless, letting Makoto decide what he was going to do next…

This is the game we play tonight, come on and let me win…

Unable to say it's wrong or right, just start undressing…

A/N: I really wish I had more time to update because one update a week is so little :( I really hope things will become more relaxed at school but I cannot really get my hopes up given the fact that I stayed at school until two in the morning last night… woops.

I hope you enjoyed and that you are looking forward to the next update!