Chapter 116
It takes a few moments before I recognise what it is I'm feeling. It's that same, familiar need. I haven't felt it since that day Howard found me. Taking one last look at Noelle, who's still asleep, I stand up. Peering around, I see that the coast's clear, and creep into my room.
I know I shouldn't do this. I know it's stupid and dangerous, because I've been told a thousand times, but I need this. After everything I've done, I deserve it.
I don't cut straight away, though. I trace my fingers over some old marks. 'Julia' is carved into my inner left calf, with 'Noelle' carved underneath it. Positioning the blade, I re-open the wounds, hissing slightly at the pain. They were some of the first cuts I made. I remember when I made them. I remember sitting with my legs half crossed, my left foot resting on my right knee, as I engraved the names. I remember coming so close to crying, but not shedding a tear. I remember looking at them, night after night, tracing my fingers over them, marvelling at how beautiful they were. I'd never seen anything so beautiful, so perfect. I loved them. I still do.