Their journey home was not as pleasing as Loki wished it to be.
The relief Loki had been expecting to feel never came, leaving him drained and empty. It did not help that Tony refused to speak anymore than simple yes or no answers, If he spoke at all.

After convincing him that blue eyes were not the best choice considering a certain staff, Stark grudgingly changed them back. Loki nearly sighed with relief at the sight of those brown eyes, as if some sense of normalcy had finally returned. But Tony's eyes grew hard and dark when they began their travel. Even with strain on Loki's concentration, he felt how strongly Tony clung to him as he transported them between worlds.

When they did arrive home, Loki could barely stand. He was physically and mentally exhausted, having pushed himself too far at last. All the work on Thor in the past few months had, indeed, stretched him thin. Heimdall was never wrong in his observations, his eye saw far more than the physical world. Loki was tired. He was worn down, beaten, and thirsty for his full power.

Unfortunately, their arrival was noticed by all, giving him no chance to slink away to rest. Immediately there were hugs and strong pats on the backs. Doom was pointedly left out of the group hugs. He moved to lurk around the edge of the room to avoid any further awkwardness. When they all went for the inventor with happy tears in their eyes, he smiled at them nervously.

Instead of hugging them, Tony pushed them away, flinching back and muttering to himself. He hobbled backwards until he was against the wall before everyone stopped trying to touch him. Loki watched the pain and fear flicker across the group's faces before he could no longer stomach it. He saw the doctor attempting to catch his eye. Ignoring the man's obvious attempts, he shuffled a little away. Bruce came directly over and gave Loki a hard, searching look.

"Couldn't do it?"

"The beast resided outside of his mind," Loki replied testily. "It wasn't needed."

"That's not the only thing it was for. I think," Bruce said, glancing at where Stark stood, still avoiding any physical contact. "You should have used it."

"He is fine and well. Simply a little shaken, perhaps."

Bruce gave him another searching look, as if dissatisfied with what he found the first time. "I don't need some magical soul connection to know he's not 'fine'. He's about two seconds away from a break down and you're probably the only one who can feel it."

"You should be able to feel it at least. Unless you guys aren't as in tune with one another," he added wearily.

Loki's irritation grew at Bruce's implications. He gave up when the man stared back as if challenging him, and leaned heavily against the wall. Turning his focus from his own exhaustion to the tense waves coming off of his lover, Loki frowned. Tony's emotions were running at full power. It was as though someone had turned everything on at once and amplified it.

Loki closed his eyes and let the sounds of Tony's thoughts trickle back through the Mind Link once more. It was slow and oddly laborious for him to establish a connection that he could control. It had been far too long for both of them. Loki was surprised he could even still access his lover's mind, considering the events that lead up to their separation.

He realized, then, that Tony had no walls up at all. There was no resistance, not because Loki was welcome to his mind, but because the creature had left Tony's mind wide open.

Left him raw and bleeding.
Just like he did me when he threw me to Thanos.

The mere thought was enough to make Loki sick. The nausea only grew as Stark's words began to grow louder in his mind.

No. Don't touch me.
You cut me apart again again on a steel table.
No no no wasn't real.
Thor is angry and it's all electricity in my brain and he smiles.
No.
The spies. The spies pretend to be friendly, but Fury is pulling their strings.
So why was I surprised when she stabbed me?
Five times from each of them.
So angry. The glee in their eyes.
No
Not real.
You broke my bones.
You flayed my skin.
Oh
Please
Don't touch me.

Loki forced the bile that rose in his throat back down, jerking his eyes open just before his knees gave out. Bruce let out a shout of surprise and attempted to hold him up. Loki began to drag the doctor down with him until strong arms came and lifted him from the floor.

Thor.

How could his brother still have such strength after such a long battle in his own mind? Even the mighty thunderer got tired, which was clear by the dark shadows that still lined Thor's eyes.

Loki nearly smiled at his brother's selflessness, shaking his head to clear his mind. "I am fine," he said, meeting his brother's blue eyes. "Please, I'm fine, brother."

Thor gave him a weak smile, his eyes flickering to Tony nervously. Loki frowned at the oddity of Thor actually being subtle in forcing Loki's attention to something. Then, he too glanced at Stark.

Tony hadn't moved, unless you count leaning more heavily against the opposite wall and the way his hands clutched the fabric wrapped around his wounded leg. He was staring at them with wide, terrified eyes, as though he were surround by a pack of wolfs instead of his friends.

Something in Loki's expression must have startled the others. Everyone who had looked around at Bruce's shout stopped and looked at Tony once more. Whatever words they had wished to speak fell short at the look on Tony's face. What was already a stressful situation seemed to grow heavier for him with their added eyes.

"No..." he muttered quietly.

Steve made a sound between a sob and disbelieving laugh. "Tony, we aren't gong to hurt you."

Something closer to the normal sharpness returned to Stark's eyes again. He narrowed them at the captain and hissed, "Like you haven't said that to me a hundred times."

Steve faltered as if hit by a heavy blow. "Me...?"

Tony's eyes widened again, his hands releasing the grip on his leg. He crossed his arms in front of him. "No, no, no... not you. You're real." He paused. "You are real, right?"

"Everyone here is real, Tony."

"So you would say," Tony replied slowly, his eyes wandering around the room. He paused on Loki and forced a small smile.

Loki tried to smile back, and felt it take the form of a grimace. He could barely function anymore, let alone respond correctly to the situation. His own pain was enough to flatten a lesser god, but Tony's added weight was simply tearing him apart. For the first time since the Mind Link started developing, Loki wished they had no such connection. Not only the ability to speak to one another in the most intimate ways, but the shared suffering, or pleasure.

If it were gone, Loki could actually focus. Then, he would have the strength to heal Tony. Then, he would not have to bare the memory of his own lover's fear of him. The sight of his own image hurting Tony over and over again.

Loki stumbled forward, shaking off the kindness of his brother and Banner like a cat. He pushed past everyone else, ignoring Natasha's humming sound in warning, to reach his panicked lover.

He would do as he had planned to from the start. Stark was his to take care off. Stark was still his, and his alone.

"An— Tony," he began carefully. "Why not rest a while before confronting all of your demons."

Tony snorted, his expression slipping into his 'accessible' mode. The Stark that was easy to talk to, sharp, and bright. It was startling to watch how quickly he was able to revert back to it. Loki wondered vaguely if the others would feel betrayed to know how easily he fooled them most days. How fake his smiles could be, or his happiness. He supposed they would all know better now, after watching the panicked Tony give way to a perfect calm, rational Stark.

"My demons are..." Tony's voice came out raspy. He paused, mid fake smile, and looked confused.
"Well, they're nastier versions of all of you guys."

"Not my choice," he added as Clint's expression turned to hurt. "He chose you guys for a reason."

"How long were you there?" Natasha asked, her voice strangely high.

Loki watched carefully for Tony's response, wondering the same thing. Tony's face remained the same confident smile, but instead, Loki was nearly thrown over by the explosive force of Tony's internal screaming. It echoed throughout his mind, tearing through his soul much like Fury's machine did.

He shook his head once, twice, and was forced to block it out. Another wave of nausea hit him. Sickness for the sound of Tony's screams. Disgust for blocking Tony out from him. Self loathing for losing him all those months ago.

"Oh," Tony said almost cheerfully. "I don't really know. I didn't exactly have a way to mark the time."

From somewhere across the room, Doom made a small noise. If the rest of the group hadn't been so tense and silent, they might have missed it all together.

Tony turned his charming smile to his fellow inventor, his eyes meeting Doom's with a level gaze. Something dark twisted its way through the cheerful facade and growled at Doom. Victor looked away, visibly shaken, and said no more.

Loki smiled bitterly at the lie, wondering why Stark felt the need to hide it. There was the notebook that he had nearly ripped from Doom's hands as soon as the inventor brought it to him. The same notebook that clearly did have the markings of time passing. Why, of all things, was it a secret?

"Yeah, I think I'll lay down before I chat up my demons again," Tony said, making a show of stretching and yawning.

They let him go. The group allowed the phoniness and lies to wash over them, because they could do nothing else. Tony needed to get better, and that was what was the most important thing right now.

Loki, once again, felt something of a friendship with the mortals. Or, at least, a much stronger level of appreciation for them. The feeling of closeness to this group seemed to be happening more often. He still hadn't decided if he liked it or not.

Loki joined him on his journey upstairs, leaving behind a sea of worried faces. Tony wasn't all that sorry to be leaving them behind. They were, after all, all the faces of his imaginary tormenters.

The god helped him make it to the bed, being his legs for him since he was still unable to manage himself. It left a bad taste in his mouth. He wasn't blind to the fact that Loki was just as exhausted as he was. Probably even more exhausted than he was letting on.

Tony groaned, the softness of the bed almost painful to his body. The unfamiliar feeling threw his mind into a mild panic. Where was his hard cave floor? Where were his rough blankets to curl up under?

"Tony," Loki spoke near his shoulder, placing a gentile hand on his back. "May I sleep next to you?"

Tony grunted in approval. "Do you even need to ask?"

"Yes"

Tony opened his eyes and started at the burgundy sheet in front of him. He went over the past few hours in his mind with careful deliberation. Loki had been nothing but careful and loving. The god had gone above and beyond to take care of him, and Tony had thrown it back in his face over and over again.

He knew why he had no control over his body's reactions, but he had to be honest with himself. Some of it could have been avoided. He could have done better for Loki, could have sucked it up and faced his fears. With every flinch away from the god, Loki's mask grew more solid.

The man I love is blocking me out and, god damn, does Loki have every right to.
Not that that makes me feel any better about it.

"If you don't mind the smell," he finally said, "go for it."

He felt Loki's body slip into the bed next to him, careful not to touch him at all. Tony smiled bitterly to himself, and swallowed his fears. Turning carefully, still battered and broken enough that every movement ached, he snuggled into Loki's body. The god gave a soft gasp in surprise, but otherwise seemed pleased at Tony's decision.

"You do smell rather badly, love," Loki mumbled into his ear.

"Am I displeasing to your godly sensibilities?"

"I am rather sure you would be displeasing to a pig's sensibilities right now," Loki said with a soft chuckle.

Tony let out a huff of laughter, snuggling in closer. Loki felt so real.

He is real, idiot.
He came and saved you again.

A smaller, colder voice whispered from the recesses of his mind,

Yeah, just like he did back then. Just like he did under the orders of him.

Tony tensed slightly, feeling for the first time like he was in the arms of a stranger. He stayed there regardless of his unease, beyond exhausted but wired with fear and something else.

He finally started to drift off when he placed a name to the emotion.

Anger.

Tony woke up so violently he threw himself right off the bed.

"Ooowwwfuucckkk everything," Tony groaned from the floor, his eyes closed tightly against the pain. Loki followed him off the bed in seconds, lifting him from the floor in one swift moment.

Tony's eyes snapped open, a wave of fear washing over him. "S-stop!"

Loki froze, still holding Tony's body in his arms carefully.

"Just..." Tony glanced away. "Just put me down. Okay?"

Loki nodded and placed him back down near the bed, looking down at him with an unreadable expression. Tony tried not to squirm as more bad memories flooded his brain.

Loki is laughing at me as I fall off the cliff again and again.
Loki throwing me out the window, only this time, he follows me down to the ground. The last thing I see is Loki's smile before we hit the pavement together.
Loki kissing Steve before gutting him.
Laughing.
Loki is always laughing.

He winced before glancing once more at the god. Loki's face seemed only to close off further with every awkward moment between them.

"Lokes," he started, unsure of how to breach the subject.

"Yes?"

"Why did you save me?"

Pain flickered across Loki's face before he answered, "Because you were lost... and because I love you."

Tony stared up at him in confusion before he realized that the god hadn't understood what he meant. He kept forgetting that this Loki wasn't prying on his thoughts all the time.

"No, I mean originally," he said more quietly, feeling a little guilty for pushing the topic.

"From the portal?"

"Yeah."

Loki paused, looking slightly disappointed. "The same reasons."

"You didn't love me back then," Tony reminded him carefully.

"No... But I still had reasons to rescue you," Loki agreed, looking more and more like he would rather not talk about it.

Tony sighed and finally brought himself to meet the god's eyes. He was going to have to be blunt about it.

"Why the fuck did you save me when you hardly knew me?" Tony asked, trying to keep his voice steady. "When we were enemies only minutes before." Tony came to a stop, feeling all the fear and resentment of the past year bubble to the surface.

"Why did you suddenly need to help me?"

Loki grasped for words, finding it difficult to explain. "It was... it was simply the right thing to do."

Tony scoffed quietly, crossing his arms as if shielding himself from Loki's words. "The right thing to do, huh? From what you told me, even before your little trip down Thanos lane, you didn't exactly care for 'the right thing'." Tony paused, his eyes darkening. "So really, why did you save me?"

"I just," Loki began, growing more frustrated by the second. "I just had to."

Tony's face hardened at his words, not a single hint of amusement left in his eyes. "And doesn't that sound exactly like you weren't in control of your desires?"

"I already spoke to you about my previous fascination with you," Loki replied with a confused frown. "Why is it so surprising that I offered my help?"

Tony's reply came back too fast and practiced. It had clearly been on his mind for quite some time.

"You never wondered why, out of anyone on the team, it was me you just had to save?" Tony's smile was not kind as he continued, "It never occurred to you that I was a little too 'fascinating' to you?"

Loki felt his blood turn to ice in his veins. He finally understood what Stark had been hinting at this entire time. That Loki was being controlled, a mere puppet to another more powerful being. His rescue of Tony was at the whims of another and perhaps, even that his love for the mortal was, in fact, all a lie.

The ice melted quickly as a hot rage filled his body. "What, exactly, do you mean by this?"

"I think you know damn well what I mean. Batman may not be the most reliable source, but of all the shit he said, that was the most plausible thing I'd heard the entire time," Tony snapped in response, taking a small step back. It was probably an unconscious action on his part, considering the months spent being tortured by Loki's own image. Tony was retreating, even while his words attacked him.

At that moment, Loki didn't give a damn about that. He was not going to stand here and let the man he had nearly died for, yet again, tell him he was lying.

"You truly believe that creature's word over mine?"

Loki watched as a shadow fell over Tony's face, as if uttering the words had drawn the darkness to them. He froze for a moment, honestly fearing that he had brought the beast back. With a small movement, the shadow shifted off of Stark's face enough to reveal a solid determination.

"Yes."

Something old and dark crawled out of the cave in Tony's memory. It roared like fire and took shape of his first suit, born of necessity. A creature made to survive.

No other suit since then had been so heavy to wear, and he wasn't talking about the physical weight. The need was never as strong as the first day he used a metal suit to save himself.

The memory was a curse and and blessing. Always there to remind Tony of his own sadistic cruelty, or the weakness of his own heart. The roar was the fire that killed his captures, and sound that drowned out those last painful words spoken by Yinsen.

Caves. It was always about caves.

The darkness had used Loki's voice to torment him. But Tony knew all along that the one thing torturing him the most was the knowledge that they were set up. Set up by some creepy, shadowy Cupid with ulterior motives. Made to act out a little play, not all that different than the sickening theatrics Obadiah designed for Tony's capture.

Loki's voice somehow managed to quiet the roar. Loki always managed to take center stage.

"I know what is my will, and what is another's. You really think me so weak to fall under his control?"

"Yeah, I think that," Tony replied, sounding nastier than he intended. Oh well, he was feeling pretty nasty right now. "Did you just forget the whole Thanos thing? Or was that all a lie?"

Loki's lip curled in rage. Tony remembered the last time he had seen that expression in the god's face, sometime after his little comment on performance issues. It had been a long time since Tony had seen him that angry.

"You dare say that to me?!" the god spat, his face crumbling into despair. "After all this time, you say this to me... now"

Something about the way the last word fell from Loki's mouth stopped Tony's roaring beast in its tracks. It had sounded more like a choked sob, than a word. Something desperate and nearly pleading.

Tony faltered, the angry fire running through him beginning to die. "No..." He said softly, then suddenly blurted out, "I'm sorry!"

Loki froze, still panting. "What?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Tony said quietly, still trying to find his words. He ran a hand over his face, suddenly feeling deflated and tired.

"I don't think you're lying about anything, actually. I was just trying to make a point," he said from behind his hand. "You have been controlled before. It's not too far of a stretch to wonder if you were this time too."

"I was not controlled," Loki snapped back, his breath catching. "Perhaps... Perhaps we were... persuaded in the beginnings, but I know I..."

There was a lengthy pause where Tony let his hand fall, looking the god directly in the eye.

"Love me?"

Loki's anger slipped away, a small, painful sob escaping him.

Tony's resolution snapped in a second, his arms already wrapping around the god before Loki could do anything more.

Nothing else was said. Nothing else needed saying. So they held each other a little tighter and let the silence do the talking.

It was well into the afternoon before they said another word to each other. Between their argument and then, Loki kept touching him as if to be sure he was real.

Tony thought he would be doing it, seeing as he was the one living with mad hallucinations the past year or so. But every time Loki touched him, he proved himself to Tony that he was just as real. No one but his Loki felt like that. Only the real Loki touched him like he meant something, not because he was useful.

"How long?" Loki asked in a whisper, pressing his forehead against Tony's. It was the first words either of them had uttered in a while, and it took Tony slightly by surprise.

"I... I lost count," he replied after some time, trying to relax his body.

They had collapsed ungracefully to the floor, Loki clinging to him like a raft in the ocean. The god cried, and cried, and cried while he held him close. Tony had whispered words to him to calm him, and at some point he lost track of what he was even saying.

Tony never wanted to hear such sounds from Loki again. It was by far, one of the most painful experiences in his life. And that was saying something, considering.

Plucking up what little courage Tony had left, he pulled out the battered old note pad from his back pocket. It was small and dirty, held together now with only a string. He had written in it, at first, every week. Then it became every two weeks, then every month. Then he stopped because it really didn't matter anymore. Because no one was coming for him, were they?

He leaned back in Loki's arms and flipped through some pages, trying to avoid showing the god what he had written. Loki stopped him and pulled the notebook from his hands.

"Hey!" Tony grunted, making a desperate grab for it. "Don't read all that shit."

"I need to," Loki replied firmly. "I've been without you all this time. I need to know you again."

Tony frowned and watched his lover's face flicker through a wide range of emotions as he went through the notebook. In each of Loki's expressions, he could read which page the god was on.

"Today is actually a little warm, think I might try to crawl to the top on the cliff and throw rocks off of it. Got nothing better to do."

A small smile.

"I called out to Heimdall again. I should stop before I lose my voice."

A small frown.

"He keeps talking to me while he thinks I'm asleep. Fucking moron has no concept of subliminal messages."

A hint of anger.

"How can I kill myself and make sure it's a speedy death?"

This was the page that captured Loki's attention the most, and he knew it. Tony watched as the god froze, his face growing impossibly calm. He nearly smiled at his lover's attempt at self control when Loki's hands were obviously shaking.

"Jumping off the cliff is not final enough. I would just end up with a few more broken bones. I've got nothing sharp enough to really cut me open. Besides, I tried that last month with a scrap of armor and Batman did something to stop the blood. He also knocked me out for a day and gave me fucking nightmares as punishment. If I'm going to do it, I have to get away from this cave. I'm so tired. I'll figure it out tomorrow."

"Hnn."

Tony frowned at the sound, trying to discern what exactly it meant.

"Lokes?"

"It was no accident," he spoke quietly, his eyes remaining on the words in front of him. "Your fall from the cliff. You said it was an accident."

Tony swallowed the lump that had grown with each page the god flipped through. He knew it was coming, because even as he wrote it down, he knew someone would see it. That someone would most likely be Loki, and he knew what came after that.

"No," he replied carefully, feeling his tongue turn to lead, "it wasn't."

After some time, Loki managed to tear his eyes away from the paper. They were sad, but a little wistful.

"I suppose this is what you felt when I told you of my time with death."

"Probably. Do you feel like crap?"

"... yes."

"Then definitely."

"Why?" Loki asked, trying and failing to keep a steady voice.

Tony smiled at him and reached out, taking the notebook from his hands. "Everything," he said quietly, tossing the book to the side.

He ran his hands over Loki's slowly before intertwining their fingers together. "Because I was alone with my demons for so long, and nobody was coming for me."

"I was coming for you."

"I... I wasn't sure anymore. I honestly thought you would be there sooner," Tony said. At the pained look on his lover's face, he added quickly, "I don't say that to make you feel bad or anything. It was my own desperate expectations."

Loki looked down at their hands, his voice coming out dead and emotionless. "I was a fool. I knew you would have used a familiar path, but I did not think you had the strength to reach Jotunhiem."

"I had a little help," Tony offered sheepishly.

"I realize that now," Loki said softly. He took one of his fingers and began to trace the lines on the back of Tony's hand. " Heimdall spoke as if it was the most obvious of things."

Tony swore the colors of the rainbow, startling Loki out of his funk.

"I, what?" Loki asked, a faint smile on his lips.

"You heard me. And there's more where that came from for that bastard."

"He does regret his actions, or lack thereof."

"I don't give a fuck," Tony snapped, turning away. He felt the prickle of tears form in the back of his throat. It had been months since he last cried.

"I screamed for him some of those nights," he added in barely a whisper.

Loki tilted his face up, his thumb brushing against his cheek so gently, Tony was sure he imagined it.

"I came for you," he said, meeting Tony's eyes firmly. "I would do it again and again if need be."

Tony's smile died half way through forming. Something inside him let go. The angry beast went to sleep again, leaving him with nothing but an empty cave. He didn't even realize he was crying before he heard his own choked voice say, "We promised, didn't we..."

"Promised what?" Loki asked, pulling Tony closer to him and brushing his tears away.

"We promised that we wouldn't go where we could not reach one another."

Loki's smile was filled with pain as he leaned forward and kissed Tony's forehead gently.
"I will always come for you, no matter how far you roam."

"You seem to be in the habit of saving me," Tony joked, his tears still falling freely.

"You have done your equal part in saving me, Tony."

Tony looked at him and tried to smile. "Are we gonna be okay?"

"Yes," Loki said with more confidence than either of them felt.

"We are going to be okay."