Kid found Jed sitting on Ben's bed and holding the leather ball in his hand. "I loved that kid."
He obviously hadn't been trying to run from him. Perhaps he did want to talk. "I did too."
He snorted as if he wasn't sure he believed that. "Having you here has dredged up all those old memories. Do you think I like being angry at you? But I can't help the way I feel."
"I do know. Being here has dredged up a lot of memories for me too."
Kid saw the proceedings of the burial without the comfort of the words, not that he thought he ever could be comforted. He caught the scream that was threatening to bubble up in his throat.
His eyes fell on his clothes and the clothes of those in the distance. Black, black, black. He hated black now and yet it perfectly reflected the state of his mind and soul. Maybe he would keep on wearing it long after the period of mourning ended.
He shut his eyes as they went to lower the casket into the grave, not able to bear watching. It would make it all too real and he didn't want it to be the last thing he would remember about Ben. He also trying to drown the sound of the weeping he heard from his mother, but it was as loud to him as if she were crying right in his ear.
He thought he had managed to remain unseen, but when he opened his eyes, Jed was in front of him.
"You don't have the courage to own up to what you did. You're not only a murderer, you're a coward! You don't even have the decency to show some respect by showing up to his funeral. You're worse than a coward."
He didn't deny it. He agreed.
Jed blew a sigh of disgust and then turned his back on him as if he wasn't worth the time. And he wasn't, Kid thought.
Millie's girlish sobs through the wall, memories, his own mind accused and tortured him back at the house as he sat in his and Ben's room. He wondered if he would ever know peace again.
His stomach growled in protest. He hadn't eaten since yesterday morning; he hadn't felt like it and no one had tried to convince him he should, but it was ridiculous to starve one's self over grief. It wouldn't bring Ben back. He went to scrounge for a slice of bread or a bit of cheese and that's when he heard the terrible words.
"He took the wrong son," Wallace said, his voice tight and unsteady with pain and drink. "It should have been Kenneth, not Benjamin. He was 13, Eleanor. 13. He had so many good plans and dreams. It's senseless. Kenneth should have known better."
He waited through all that, though it was killing him inside, only because he wanted to hear his mother's response, but she had none.
He went back to his room. He couldn't stay here. His family had no use for him anymore and he was old enough to strike out on his own. He grabbed only another set of clothes, his guitar, and gun.
He hesitated a moment over the gun. It was the same pistol that had killed his brother and he didn't know if he even wanted to own one anymore, much less this one. But it was foolhardy not to have one if he was going further west. He would wear it and it would always serve as a reminder to be sure he knew where the bullet was going and to be fast but not too fast.
He left as soon as everyone was in bed and he never looked back, at least not with his eyes.
"You were even a worse coward than I thought, but I suppose I should have seen even then that you would run," Jed said.
"I shouldn't have run. I should have said all that I was feeling no matter the outcome, but that's never been easy for me and you were right I was a coward. My world had collapsed and I was the reason for it. I was afraid of everyone's reactions and that it would never get good again. I was also young, but if it matters to you, I didn't outrun the pain and grief."
"It wasn't so fun being left to hold the bag either. Don't you think I wanted to run from it some days?"
"I'm sure you did."
"I didn't though because somebody had to stay and take of our parents and little sister."
"You were always more responsible than me," he agreed.
"You're so proud of yourself, aren't you? Does it make you feel good about yourself to think you're helping bring his dream of going further west and carrying the gospel to fruition?"
"No."
"And you've got a beautiful, godly wife who loves you. It probably won't be long before you have beautiful children. It's a charmed life that you don't deserve. Ben will never have a wife and children because you robbed him of his life. Doesn't that ever make you feel guilty?" Jed asked.
"All the time, but I remind myself that as fallen people we don't deserve any good; it's because God is good that we have such blessings. Ruth also reminds me that Ben wouldn't want what happened to keep me from living my life; he would want me to enjoy a family and helping with the Lord's work. In fact, he would be rejoicing and encouraging me on this path if he were here. And I kind of hope and think that maybe he does know somehow or at least he will one day."
He shook his head. "Maybe you have changed, but I don't know if I can forgive you," he said honestly. "A part of me wants to, because I know God and Ben would want me to, but I just don't know if I can."
"But you're trying. That's all that I can ask," Kid said and then he went to get some air.