Charlie sat with Bella in the waiting room, and Bella wondered if he'd be there for the entire exam as well. With a head injury Bella hadn't had to dress down for too many of these, so it wouldn't be too awkward, just not how she'd like to do this. She'd had enough of the Doctors comforting Renee, rather than dealing with her for a lifetime. She doubted Charlie would be like that, but still it was nerve-wracking that she could be wrong. She didn't want to see him cry.
She was staring out the window, wishing she was walking out into the cold when she felt, or heard the change in the waiting room. Voices that had been louder were quiet and she looked up to see the blonde doctor she'd been waiting for. He smiled as he came up to them, "Bella, Charlie, why don't you come with me to my office."
The hospital was a bit mazelike and Bella wasn't comfortable with the idea that she wasn't sure she could find her way out quickly as she followed him. Charlie was chatting with Carlisle about some car accident from a few weeks ago, the last time they'd really talked, apparently. Bella paid more attention to trying to see if Carlisle did anything she could see was not human by walking behind him. She wasn't seeing anything.
He held the door opened for them and then closed it behind them. "Take a seat." Carlisle smiled at them and Bella moved to sit, while glancing around subtly. She did see a family photo she was more than eager to grab and look at, but she couldn't do that now. She couldn't see much from her seat either. "Bella, Charlie mentioned you have amnesia, brought on by an accident this summer." Carlisle spoke while sitting down at his desk.
Bella just sighed, and glanced at Charlie before answering. "Waterslide accident, hit my head rather hard I'm told." She could see Carlisle watching her even as she focused more on his desk and the files on it. "The doctors really didn't know what to say, they didn't see why I'd lose all my memories like that but retain the ability to read, do math, and so many other things. I've heard theory after theory, some doctor was claiming I'm actually just lazy and don't want to work to remember, that caused a few arguments at home." Charlie might have growled at that and Bella didn't bother looking over at him. "Some claim it was trauma induced, but as scary as a waterslide might be I don't think they would cause me trauma."
Carlisle gave her a small smile, his eyes far more gentle than any doctor she'd been forced to see so far. "I'm sure this has been a bit of a nightmare for you." He glanced down at the files on his desk. "When Charlie told me what this meeting was about I sent a request for your files, and I've looked over them. I'd like to do a basic examination myself, but I promise it won't be invasive and I'm sure you are sick and tired of Doctors by now, but I just like to draw my own conclusions."
Bella knew she'd agreed to this before they came, but what came out of her mouth was different. "I won't be staying the night, right? I don't want to stay in a hospital again."
"No," Carlisle shook his head, "No, nothing like that. I imagine you'd rather enjoy the first Christmas holidays you remember."
"Yeah." Bella managed to grin a little at how normal he made that sound. She glanced at Charlie for a moment and then back at Carlisle, willing him to understand her expression. She didn't want Charlie to be in the exam room, for two good reasons. Hearing how his 'daughter' didn't remember anything at all would be hard on him, as the line of questions would really highlight that, or had in the past with other doctors. Renee always cried. The other reason was that Bella was going to have to find ways to make sure her scent was all over Carlisle, and it was way too important that she succeed. She might have to embarrass herself to pull it off and the fewer witnesses the better to that.
"Charlie, I have the newspaper and a few magazines in the corner if you'd like." Carlisle proved to be good at reading body language projected to him. "We might be a little while, I want to be thorough." Bella didn't like the sound of that. "You could even get a bite at the cafeteria."
"Oh, okay." Charlie seemed a little startled, but then he looked at Bella like he was checking that it was okay with her. Bella appreciated the gesture and nodded. "I could see if they have anymore of those fries."
"Okay, I'm sure they do." Carlisle got back up, grabbing the file, and lead them both out of the room. They stood in the hallway and Carlisle told Charlie, "We'll find you when we're done." With a friendly smile, but Bella's eyes widened a little before she could stop it. There was only one way to think you could find someone wandering around in this place, if Charlie didn't stay still. Carlisle was going to follow his scent, Bella was pretty sure that was it. Still perhaps he meant for Charlie to stay in the Cafeteria, but if Charlie left, they'd probably still find him fast. That was weird and a bit neat actually.
"So how are you liking Forks so far?" Carlisle asked her while walking with her towards whatever exam room they could get.
"It's okay." She gave a weak smile. "It would be nicer if I had more winter clothes. I didn't have anything to bring, we had to buy the coat." She touched her coat as she said that.
He chuckled, "I'm glad my daughter isn't visiting me today, she might have just decided to steal you and take you shopping instead of letting me examine you." Bella gave him a small smile, knowing which daughter exactly he had to be talking about.
"People don't like to go shopping with me. I'm a bargain hunter." She said, thinking of the times she'd tried to shop with others. "I think Charlie might need therapy for taking me out. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't buy this coat until I was sure it was the best deal I was going to find."
Carlisle grinned and stopped at a doorway. "Maybe I want you taking Alice out shopping then, she needs to learn to at least look at the pricetag." He opened the door. "This is our room." Bella stepped inside first, since he was indicating she should.
It took a moment to take her coat off and for him to log into the computer to put his notes in it, but it really didn't feel like a long enough break for Bella. She watched his hands type and considered that doctors wash their hands a million times a day. She'd need her scent on his clothes, not his lab jacket, but his actual clothes. How the hell was she gonna pull that off?
White coat syndrome, Bella thought in a flash, remembering a co-worker who got sick anytime she had to go to the doctors. She'd been traumatized by past doctor visits. Could claiming that get that damned coat off him? Or did she need to get her scent through that coat and onto his clothes?
It was likely she wasn't getting that white coat off of him. Pant legs were too close to actually groping him, so she wasn't doing that, even though the coat didn't cover those. Oh well, planning it too much would make it look like she was a creeper if Alice saw, so she was going to play like she needed physical comfort. Dammit, she might even need to cry.
"Bella?" Carlisle's voice sounded concerned and Bella looked up from his pant legs to see he was watching her. She bet he was not the first time he'd said her name. She couldn't help but blush.
"Sorry." She muttered and then sat up a bit straighter in the chair to the side of the computer. It was questions and answers time.
"Do you fade out like that often?" He asked, and Bella frowned at the question. She just was too busy thinking, why was that an issue?
"No," She spoke slowly, still trying to anticipate where that question came from, it was new. Doctors hadn't asked about that before.
"Do you have any strange dreams? Or feel like you have seen some things before, perhaps as if they were visions you couldn't remember having?" Carlisle asked and Bella's frown grew, before her eyes widened in comprehension. He was comparing her to Alice. Alice who lost her own memory of her human years and they didn't yet know why. Bella knew why Alice had amnesia, but no one else did yet.
"No, no." She shook her head.
Her heart was a little faster and she damned it when he glanced at her chest briefly as if he heard it speeding up. Sure, that made it sound like a desperate lie, perfect. Now his mind was making up more interesting things about her that weren't even true, when she wanted to be boring and average and blend into the background.
He followed up with a few more ordinary questions she'd heard a dozen times before, but unlike the others he asked follow up questions that were new. It felt odd, worrying that maybe he might figure out what was wrong, so she dismissed that thought as soon as she had it.
"I read that for the first two days you didn't even recognize your own body." Carlisle asked and her heart betrayed her again, pounding really. She never said anything about that after the tests and the looks she'd gotten, she knew it was a dangerous claim. She did not want to end up in a mental hospital.
"Yeah, that was kind of scary." She muttered and glanced around the room. They hadn't even started the physical yet and she was wishing it was over. A cool hand over her arm brought her eyes down to her arm on the desk and his attempt at a comforting touch. She looked back up at him, and normally she'd try and shake that hand off politely, but her plan for her scent had her keeping it there. "I came to with this annoying woman staring down at me and people were asking her questions. I remember being pissed that they didn't ask me, that they were asking this stranger instead." She grimaced. "Turns out that was my mother."
He gave a weak smile at her tone, it was partly joking. "Annoying huh?"
"She still is." Bella had no amusement in her voice. "I feel bad for her, losing a daughter like this, but I don't like her." Carlisle's eyes became very serious and his gentle hand squeezed her arm just a little.
"Is she abusive?" He asked and Bella frowned as she considered that.
"She's in over her head if she has to find her shoes in the morning. She's pathetically immature and helpless. She is not able to deal with this, this," Bella pointed to herself, "is too much for her. If I didn't still remember how to cook, pay bills, and take care of the house I don't know what she'd do. She can't take care of herself and I kind of hate her for that. I have enough going on," Bella's voice cracked. She'd delved into this topic knowing it was hard for her, because she needed to keep him comforting her. She rarely let her emotions out on purpose and was surprised it was working.
"What's been going on Bella?" He asked and he wasn't focused on her amnesia, just on her. That was kinda nice.
"I think some of the kids at school are pretending they knew me because they know I don't know any better." Bella gritted her teeth. "I ignore them, they're just useless pieces of garbage, but it's not fun. I once made the mistake of telling Renee, and she made it all about her, like usual. How her Bella told her everything and was wonderful and could have had all those friends and I was just pushing them away. They don't want to be my friend, you can see the plotting in their eyes and they were up to something and I had to endure a lecture about being closed off." She shook her head and took a deep breath. She'd managed to stop that teasing soon after she'd brought it up with Renee, by ignoring when people talk to her and focusing on getting her homework done in record time while at school. She ate in the classroom while reading.
"Renee doesn't want to let me get a job, she wants me to focus on trying to remember. If I hadn't been able to outline how 'useful' it would be for me to have a license she wouldn't have let me take driver's ed. I can't live my life, because all she wants is my past. I don't care anymore that I've forgotten, I just want people to leave me alone about it." Bella shifted and put her hand over his arm, over his coat and what might be a long sleeve shirt and stared into his yellow eyes. "For the people that knew me, it's harder, I've been told and I understand that much. I feel bad for them, but when do I get to live for me?" She grasped his arm harder, since rubbing it would send a completely different message.
She was talking about her feelings more than she ever did, in either life. It was hard, exhausting even, but she pushed on. "I'm here because Charlie wanted me to try this. He respects you, and if you tell him to just leave me alone about it and let me live my life he'll do it. She would seek another opinion, one that had her nagging me even more, but Charlie's better. We both know there isn't anything that can be done. I just need to make him feel like he tried."
"Do you even want your memories back?" Carlisle asked a new question.
"No," Bella shook her head and sighed. It wasn't her memories, but if they came to her out of some weird fusion of the two of them it would be the stuff of nightmares. "Not really. I feel like if I became that Bella again, I'd be a doormat and people would continue to walk all over me for the rest of my life." That's what she'd called Twilight Bella after all. "That's what Renee is upset about losing, she trained her daughter to be her keeper, to be self-sacrificing and have a need to do it all for others, even at the expense of herself. I don't want to be selfish, don't get me wrong, but I think I matter somewhat. My opinions about my own life matter somewhat." She glared at nothing, but she was also remembering how the Cullens had not figured that out for their Bella either, that Bella never got to make decisions easily.
"You're at that age when you normally would be pushing to make your own decisions." Carlisle spoke and Bella didn't let go of his arm even when he fidgeted a little. She pretended not to get the non-verbal hint to let him go and he settled down and let her continue to get her scent into his clothes. "The amnesia added a wrinkle to that, but you sound very mature in all of this. You are right, your opinions, your desires, they matter. I almost wish it had been Renee to bring you in so that I could talk with her for you."
"If you don't agree with her, she wouldn't listen." Bella grumbled bitterly. "If the doctors don't give her what she wants soon, I'll bet I'll be seeing new age quacks soon if I can't get her to give up."
He sighed. "I still want to examine you, see if they missed anything, but I'm just checking for your health. Your memories will come or they won't. I've known cases where they never came back, but that person still leads a fulfilling life and has recreated herself. It looks like that's what you want to do and I think you should. Find out who you are now and go with that. It's the only thing you can do."
Bella nodded and then was forced to let go as he stood up. The physical exam was simple, heartbeat, eyes, a few motor tests, the typical tests she'd done a million times.
"You've talked a lot about Renee, how is your visit with Charlie going?" Carlisle asked while having her stare into his eyes while he shined a light at her pupils.
"I haven't been here long, but I love staying with him. He's laid back and doesn't treat me like a freak at all." She answered and watched his pupils grow just a little at her words. He didn't like the word freak either, apparently. "I kind of wish he had custody." She whispered. "He gave me a choice about coming today. He lets me wander around the town when I'm bored and alone and he can dress himself in the morning without help." She gave a weak smile to the vampire doctor as he pulled away, and the light stopped shining in her eyes. "I don't want to go home." The tear had to be because of that bright light, she told herself.
"Bella, would you be willing to say that to Charlie?" Carlisle stared into her eyes again. "With what you've said you could give him what he needs to fight for custody."
Bella glanced at his sleeve she'd been touching as much as possible during this visit. "I don't know yet." Maybe if Edward didn't become an issue she would. It was faster and a bit more honest than she'd planned to be, and far more confrontational. She needed time to figure out what would be best.